Moonlights and Sunrises
by StarlightNights
Summary: The gang survives an unspeakable tragedy and are left wondering, how will they cope? What secrets will emerge? And how does one keep on living? Be warned, very mature and dark themes. Do not read if offended by death, rape, torture and the like
1. 1: Little Bit of Time to Clear My Head

**Chapter 1**

**Little Bit of Time to Clear My Head**

The sound of the gunshot silenced the room for only a moment. Children screamed and cried as a gentle mist of scarlet drops rained down on them.

The deafening scream pulled me from the nightmare. It took me a minute to realize that I was the one screaming. I was able to stop my screaming but it was only replaced by unrelenting sobs. I didn't even try to hide it when my door burst open. It was only going to be Jake. It was his night. Charlie allowed him to move in shortly after the incident, with the condition that he stayed on the couch. At first Charlie had refused but after two sleepless weeks he finally agreed with Jacob, I needed a babysitter. I guess he thought it would be easier if I was never alone. But that is just about all I wanted.

I felt strong arms wrap themselves protectively around me. I folded myself into my fiance, letting him envelope me in comfort. "Do you want to talk about it?" Jacob asked me, his voice still rough from the sudden awakening. I pulled myself away from him, sitting up in the bed we shared. My sobs had stopped as the anger boiled inside of me. "Bella, it's been over a month. You're going to have to talk about it sometime."

I glared at him, knowing that he couldn't see it in the dark but it still made me feel a little better. "No, I don't," I spoke with finality. And that was going to be the end of it. I got out of bed and quickly started clothes on.

We had been having this same argument for weeks. He keeps pushing me. Pushing me to talk to him. Pushing me to return my life to normal. But I know without a doubt that my life will never be normal again. And he wasn't willing to accept that. But to him the benefit of the doubt he didn't have a clue. He had no idea what it was like. And I want to keep it that way.

"Bella, please," he whined. "Come back to bed. We'll deal with this later."

"No," I refused, slipping into a comfortable pair of jeans. "We will not deal with this later. We will not deal with this ever. When are you going to get that?" I had never been able to sound this mean before but I was glad that I could now. He wants me to talk to him. To tell him all about those three days. But I can't. All he wants is to know. And all I want to do is forget.

"Bella," he called after me again but I ignored him, threw a sweatshirt on and flew out the door with nothing more than the keys to my truck. I needed to get away. I needed to get out.

It was a process. I was put through hell for three days. The next three days was spent in the hospital being harassed by doctors, police officers, detectives, you name it. Then, I spent the first week lying on the couch in a sort of a daze. I don't know if the TV was on. I don't know who came and went. I don't even remember eating. But slowly that slipped away. The week after, everything finally caught up with me and I cried. I cried everyday almost all day. After two weeks my family started to worry I could see it in their faces and hear it in their voices as they talked about me right in front of me like I wasn't even there. So the following week I reassumed some sort of a life. I got off the couch and wandered around the house. I ate and I showered and I tried to move on. But the moment I thought that I was getting my life back to normal I would break down and spend the next hour crying until there was nothing left. And these past few weeks, to anyone who didn't know me would say that things were finally back to normal. But that's not the case. I'm still a mess. I just chose not to let everyone see that.

I drove the truck around hardly paying attention to where I was going. But I should have known where I would end up. It was the last place I wanted to be. But I had been driving there everyday for the past week. I wanted to get my life back. I kept trying. But my feet would never allow me to get out of the truck. I took the keys out of the ignition as I looked at the building. From the outside, it looked the same. Through the window I could see a fresh coat of paint, a necessity to silence the walls from telling the grizzly tale. And I'm sure that a new security system had been put in place. All the windows and doors were replaced with the new safety measures. But even with all of that, I still couldn't get out of the truck. I rested my head against the steering wheel, trying to keep myself from crying. A soft knock on my window forced me to look up, my eyes bloodshot and wide with fear. "Jesus Christ!" I shouted, looking at a familiar face. "You scared the shit of me. Never do that again," I screamed, rolling down my window.

Jasper smiled and forced a laugh. "I'm sorry," he drawled. "I didn't mean to scare you." There was a long pause as we both looked away uncomfortably. "I thought I saw your truck through the window. It's good to see you."

"Yeah," I breathed softly. It was the first time I had seen someone from those days since the incident. It brought back a lot of painful memories. "You too."

"Your hair looks good short. I like it." He kept the talk light and cheery.

"Thanks," I nodded. I looked down and found myself holding the steering wheel so tightly that my knuckles were white.

There was another long pause. "You coming back to work?"

"No," I shook my head quickly. "I'm not ready. Not even close," I scoff.

"Alice misses you. She says it's just not the same without you."

"She's back?"

"Yeah, she jumped right back in as soon as the doctors cleared her."

I sucked in my bottom lip and chewed on it nervously. "Good for her. And good for you." I paused not knowing where I should take the conversation. "I know that it couldn't have been very easy."

"It's alright," he stopped me. "It's not easy but it gets a little easier everyday."

The tears threatened to fall again. "I am so sorry," my voice cracked as I spoke.

Jasper laughed to keep his tears at bay. "None of it was your fault."

"But I…"

"Bella," His voice was strong. "It wasn't your job. You did your job." He shook his head and looked away. "If it weren't for you… everything you did… everything that happened to you…" his voice trailed off weakly. "You did what you could."

"It wasn't en-"

"You did what you could." His voice was stern. She could tell that was the end of the topic.

"So what are you doing here?" She welcomed the change of subject.

"It's time to pick up the pieces and get back in there." He nodded, his voice finally returning to normal. "There is a lot of work that still needs to be done. Carlisle and Esme have been freaking out. They got everything you can imagine in there now to insure that nothing like that can ever happen again. They're keeping me busy."

I paused and stared at him. He's amazing. I wished that I could have that same kind of courage that everyone else seemed to have. "How? How can you possibly go back there?"

"The past is the past. Nothing is going to change what happened. I'm never going to forget it. So I might as well just face it. Maybe that will help ease the pain a little."

Again I wanted a change of topic. Jasper may be ready, but I still wasn't. "So how is everyone?"

"Okay." Jasper nodded. "Things are rough but we're all getting there." He sucked in his bottom lip. "Look, we've all been meeting once a week for dinner. I think it would be good for you. We miss you."

"I know. It's just…I don't know." I sighed. "I've had this terrible flu." I rubbed her stomach for effect.

"It's just dinner with friends, Bella. Promise me that you'll think about it." I nodded when I saw the look on his face. "And promise that you'll call me. I'd like to hear from you."

"Okay." I nodded again. "Look Jazz, I've got to go," I rushed the words. "I'm not feeling well."

"Yeah." Jasper chuckled. "You still look like hell. But promise ok. I would really like to see you there."

"Yeah." I nodded. "I'll try." I raced home and quickly locked myself in the bathroom. After violently vomiting, I stepped into the shower and prayed that all the water would wash away my memories.

XXXXX

"Why is it that Friday is always the longest day?" I sighed, resting my head on Alice's shoulder for a spilt second before getting back to my feet again.

"Because these parents know that they have to spend the whole weekend with their children so they want to have as much time to themselves as possible on Friday," she explained. "Plus, if this child belonged to you, would you ever want to come back?" She grimaced as she picked up the screaming infant.

"Be nice," I rolled my eyes handing her a bottle for him. "He's not so bad when you're not starving him."

"It's just barely been over four hours," she whined.

I rolled by eyes. "Yeah, but he eats every three hours. And you get awful cranky too when you haven't eaten."

"I know, what do you think all this popcorn is for?" She said, throwing another handful in her mouth.

"How is it that you can eat all day and not gain a pound?"

"Jealous?" She raised an eyebrow teasing me.

"Very much so," I said looking up at the clock. 4:50, in about ten minutes Carson, our screamer, will be going home and so will I. I did a quick check of the children's daily sheets and groaned, time for another round of diaper changes. The door opened and I did a little happy dance on the inside, but it was a little premature it was only Alice's brother, Edward. He didn't walk all the way into the room, men are always too scared to get close to the babies, so he stayed in our small entranceway and only watched us.

"What brings you here?" Alice asked, looking up at her brother.

He shrugged casually. "Tanya called and said she was running late and needed me to pick up Raena for her."

"Ooh, he's already playing daddy," Alice teased.

"Of course I am." He rolled his eyes. "Do you think I plan on marrying her without associating with her daughter?"

"How are the wedding plans going?" I asked joining the conversation.

He took in a deep breath. "Is there something about women that make them go absolutely crazy when they are planning a wedding? Like completely bat shit crazy."

Alice giggled softly. "Bella is the wrong woman to ask that to. She is being far to casual about her wedding. I've had to forcibly drag her out of her house and make her try on dresses. I think she'd be perfectly content to let me take over her wedding plans."

"I would if you wouldn't go overboard with them," I offered.

"Oh, Bella," she sighed. "You only get married once. Or at least that is the hope. So why not go all out and enjoy it a little?" I eyed her suspiciously. "Please, please, please let me help you?" she begged. "Emmett's already married and Rosalie was a major bridezilla. Edward is getting married and Tanya is the bridezilla from hell. And I don't think Jasper is too keen on the idea of marriage at all. So this might be my only chance to create the fairy tale wedding."

"See," Edward interjected. "Bat shit crazy. And she's not even getting married. It's just the thought of weddings drive most women crazy. What I wouldn't kill for Tanya to just ask me to drive away to Vegas and just get it over with."

"I couldn't agree more," I said.

"And let the record state that I will kill you if you do that to me. That goes for both of you. You are not denying me a wedding." Her brown eyes narrowed as she tried to force us into submission.

"I'm going to have to have a talk with Jazz," Edward said, finally breaking into laughter. "He needs to get his ass in gear and pop the question already. All this waiting around is making you even more crazy than you already are, sis."

"Don't scare him away!" Alice shouted. "But a little friendly encouragement might be nice." She shrugged and smiled sheepishly. "We've been together for two years and it's really throwing off my plan."

"Good luck with that," Edward interrupted. "You can't plan life, Ali. Like this, I'm sure you had big plans for the night." She nodded. "Well, mom sent me in to tell you that she forgot about dad's conference tonight and she needs you to close."

"Why me?" she whined. "Can't someone else do it?"

"I'm just the messenger." He shrugged, leaning against the side of the wall.

"What about Emmett? Why doesn't he ever have to close?" Alice whined.

Edward laughed. "Would you trust Emmett?"

"Very true," Alice agreed. "What about you?" she said with a huge innocent smile. "Please," she added for good measure.

"Nice try, sis. But I'm not in the family business. The thought of even having the smallest chance of changing a diaper just disgusts me."

"You know as soon as you and Tanya finally tie the knot mom is going to be expecting babies. She hasn't stopped harassing Emmett. And I'm surprised she hasn't started on you yet."

Edward shrugs. "Yeah, yeah, yeah," Edward laughed it off. "Maybe someday. I think my own wouldn't be so bad. But having to..." he grimaces as I lay an infant on the changing table. "God, Bella," he cries. "How can you do that? It smells awful."

I shrug and laugh. Typical man. There is something in their DNA that just prevents them from being able to deal with children. And the younger the child the more awkward they are. "You get used to it."

"I don't think it's possible to get used to that. That is not normal. Get out of here while you still can. There are much better career choices than ass wiper or snot cleaner," he frowned as he stared at Carson who was still screaming, snot running from his nose and right into his mouth. I shrugged and wiped it clean with a tissue.

"You forgot about-" Alice was interrupted as the infant she was in the process of burping spit up on her pants. "the vomit," she added with a sigh. "I can't wait until mom retires and I can take over all the administrative duties."

"And leave me all alone?" I teased, picking up another infant and carrying her to the changing table. I had just unfastened her diaper when I heard a scream from the hallway. And another second later the door opened and I looked up to find a man dressed in black holding a gun to the back of Edward's head. "No one moves," he demanded.

XXXXX

"Bella," Jacob said through the bathroom door. "You have a call." Jacob slipped the phone through the door and left me alone.

"Hello," I greeted the caller.

"It's Jasper."

"Hey. Sorry about before," I apologized. "This flu is really kicking my ass."

"Is it really just the flu?" Jasper pushed.

I sighed heavily. Why does he always have to be so damn perceptive. "What else would it be?"

"I've heard, you've been ignoring everyone. Could this flu just be your excuse?"

"I haven't been ignoring," I protested with a shake of my head as if he could somehow see me and interpret that as being strong and indignant. "Things have been crazy. Me and Jake are working on the wedding and it's just been a crazy time for me."

"It's been crazy for everyone, Bella." Jasper sighed heavily. "I don't want to lecture you or anything. I know it was hard in there. But we promised that we would stick together and…"

"I know. I'm sorry." I sniffed.

"Edward left you a message."

I sucked in my bottom lip. "I know. I got it."

There was a long pause on the other end of the phone. "We decided that dinner is tonight. In an hour. We hope that you'll come."

"I'll try," I said just above a whisper.

"Please," Jasper pleaded.

"Yeah," I agreed, licking my lips nervously. "I'll be there." I hung up and threw myself back onto the bed. I covered my face in my hands and inhaled deeply, trying to gather enough strength to get myself through the night.


	2. 2: The Best of Me

**Chapter 2**

**The Best of Me**

I had stalled for as long as I could. I spent an hour getting ready, about triple the amount of time it should have taken me. And I found myself stalling again. I sat in my car and couldn't bring myself to get out and face the world. I watched as small crowds of people filtered in and out of the crowded restaurant. They went about their lives with out a seconds thought. If only I could be so lucky again. I closed my eyes and gripped the steering wheel tightly, trying to push all of the thoughts from my mind.

When I opened my eyes again, I focused on the party at the window. It was where I was supposed to be. I watched as they laughed and they smiled and I longed to be like that. What I wouldn't give to be there right now laughing and smiling with them. But no matter what I tried I was still locked in a prison of depression. All it took was three days to change my entire life. I longed to forget all those long hours. And I longed to get back to the life of simplicity that I had resented for so long.

"Hey," a voice was accompanied with a soft knock on my window.

Panic immediately set in before I finally met his eyes. "You have to stop doing that to me," I said, offering a simple smile to Jasper.

"I've been watching you through the window for the past ten minutes. Are you coming in or what?" he teased.

I exhaled loudly. "I'm still working on the courage." I nodded, taking in another deep breath. It did nothing to calm my nerves.

He let out a hearty guffaw. "You've got more courage bottled up inside you than everyone in that building combined."

I looked away from his gaze to the safety of the car mats. "That was different. That wasn't bravery or courage. That was just instinct."

"You're the only one that thinks so." There was a pause in our conversation. I looked to the window again and they were still laughing. I don't think I've laughed once since coming home. I shouldn't have come. It was a huge mistake to be there. "Come on." Jasper nodded his head towards the building. My stomach twisted in knots and I wanted to do nothing more than to flee and crawl back under the covers of my bed. But instead I found myself opening the door and accepting Jasper's hand. He led me inside and gave my hand a quick squeeze for reassurance. "That wasn't so bad, was it?"

"Not yet," I whispered. "But I'm sure it's coming." My deep breaths were slowly turning into hyperventilating. "I think I'm going to pass out," I exclaimed, leaning my body against his for support.

"Calm down," he demanded. "Nothing is going to happen. You're alright. I'm right here. You're safe," he kept repeating these types of phrases trying to comfort me but they weren't helping. I wasn't afraid that something bad was going to happen. I had already been through enough of that. It's not like a little more could do that much more damage to me. I was simply afraid of having to face them. They seemed to be over it. They seemed to be happy and well adjusted. They continued to live their lives while I could hardly crawl out of bed in the morning. I wasn't ready to come face to face with anyone yet. I wasn't ready to let them know just how damaged I had become.

"Oh my God!" Alice exclaimed as she ran up to me and wrapped her arms around me. I could see all eyes on me as the entire place grew quiet. I stood sheepishly, waiting for the awkward moment to pass.

Carlisle was the next to greet me. He stood, a big smile gracing his face as he loosely wrapped one arm around my shoulder. "Glad you could make it. You have been missed." His words were quiet and careful. He seemed to be able to sense just how delicate I was. He softly kissed my cheek and with that the awkward moment seemed to pass. The restaurant again began to buzz with life. I took the empty seat between Jasper and Carlisle and tried my best to fade into the background.

"Oh, Bella," Alice crooned. Her voice was still vibrant and happy, how could that be possible? "It is so good to see you. I've missed you so much. And I've just been beside myself with worry. I've been calling you. Have they told you that?" I shook my head. Her smile fell and she pouted for a moment. "I call every night and I've stopped by and that damn Jacob keeps blocking me. He keeps insisting that you're not up for it. That you need time and space. And I'm slightly ashamed to admit that I thought you were mad at me over something. And that you were avoiding me. You haven't been avoiding me, have you?" she asked, her usually hopeful voice suddenly becoming sad.

"No," I respond softly. And it's only a little lie. I haven't just been avoiding Alice. I've been avoiding everyone. But why bring that up and strip her of her happiness?

"Oh, I knew it!" Her voice was back to being bright and cheery. "And when you go home you tell that Neanderthal Jacob to stop being such an intolerable asshole. Who is he to stop you from seeing your best friend?" I nodded in agreement. "So how have you been? There must be so much for us to talk about. It's been so long. I really hate not seeing you every day," Alice continued to ramble.

"I've been...good," I concluded. My voice was cordial and colder than I had anticipated. "And you? How have you been?" I politely followed through.

"I don't think I can even begin," she said with a shrug. "So much has changed. We'll have to meet and talk. Just the two of us. I've missed that. I've missed you," she spoke honestly. "The place just sucks without you."

I shook my head almost violently. "I'm not ready yet."

"I understand," Alice reassured me. "It hasn't been easy. But these meetings are helping. Every time we get together I feel like a little bit of the weight is lifted off my shoulders. I nodded and looked up and out the window, my eyes meeting with the emerald green eyes I had come to know so well. I tore my gaze away from his and looked at the table.

"You're late," Jasper exclaimed, bringing his best friend in for a quick hug. "And look who's decided to join us this time," he said, gesturing to me. I nodded my hello and forced a smile, all while avoiding his intense gaze.

"Hey guys," the sweet voice of Edward's fiancee rang through the room. She marched straight up to me and extended her hand. "I don't think we've met. I'm Tanya," she said, flipping a mountain of strawberry blond curls over her shoulder.

"Bella." I accepted her hand but Tanya used it to pull me to my feet and into an awkward and unexpected hug.

"It is so great to finally meet you!" she shouted, refusing to let me go.

I quickly forced a smile. It didn't last long but it was the best I could do given the circumstances. "You too."

"The stories I've heard them tell. They don't talk about it much so I know there must be so much more that I don't know. But I already know that you're a hero," she gushed finally releasing me.

"Its just what anyone would have done," I answered simply.

Alice excused herself and disappeared to the bathroom before I could seek its privacy for myself. But thankfully trays of appetizers were placed on the table before I could get dragged into another conversation I didn't want to be involved with. I did my best to avoid any direct conversations. I just pretended to be listening, which was easy enough for the moment since no one wanted to talk about the incident and for that I was thankful. I think the memories were still a little too fresh for a lot of us.

"Bella, eat," Carlisle demanded handing a plate of mozzarella sticks to me. I shook my head and pushed it away. He gave me a concerned look and I again shook him off. "Bella..." his voice was stern and fatherly.

I cut him off. "Not now," I whispered as I glared at him. As time went by my stomach began churning. The combination of nerves and the many smells of the different foods at the table was doing me in. I didn't last very long before I excused myself and disappeared into the bathroom. I hovered over the toilet as my stomach cleansed itself. When my stomach finally settled I felt the familiar sharp sting of tears and I sat down and let my emotions out. There was a soft rap on the stall door that quieted me. I thought I was alone. "Bella, it's Tanya," she spoke softly. She was just about the last person in the world I wanted to hear from. "I know things in your life are crazy right now. You've got a lot going on. People always looking at you and judging you. I know what it's like," Her soft voice floated through the door.

"I hardly think so," I scoffed. I hadn't meant to sound so bitter. I hadn't meant to speak at all.

Tanya continued as if she hadn't heard me. "I know I wasn't there. And I didn't go through anything like you did. But I do understand. All the people watching you. Studying your every more. Judging you. Waiting for you to mess up or break down. They all just want you to be perfect and smile and get on with your life. But you don't know how." Edward told me she was a teacher so why was she talking to me like a psychologist? "The pressure is tremendous. But that is no reason to do this to yourself. You have to eat and you don't have to make yourself sick."

I couldn't help but laugh. "It's not like that."

"Bella," Tanya laughed softly. "You don't have to lie to me. I get it. I've seen it all before. I watched how you ate, or didn't eat I should say. And I heard you vomiting in there."

"You have no idea what you're talking about," I insisted as I slowly let the door swing open. My bloodshot eyes met with Tanya's and somehow my walls broke down. "I'm pregnant," I admitted as the tears began to fall again.

"Oh," Tanya gasped. "I'm sorry. I didn't know. Congratulations."

"Not really," I said, shaking my head and drying my tears.

XXXXX

The panic didn't set in right away. I was able to keep a level head for just long enough. At the location and angle I was at my left hand would be concealed and I would just be able to reach the panic button on our phone. The other rooms would be quietly alerted and we would go into lock down mode and the police would be here to save the day. I quickly pressed the button and returned to changing the babies diaper.

"Stop moving," the man shouted at me.

"I can't," I shouted back. "I'm not finished yet. I need to put a diaper on him before he pees on me." I finished quickly then studied the man. If these guys get away before Charlie gets here then I know he will ask me for a description. I'd guess he is a man in his late twenties or early thirties of about average height. He wore sunglasses and had pulled on a baseball cap to help cover his facial features. And he isn't dressed the way you would think a criminal would. He's actually dressed nicely. He's in a pair of black slacks with a gray sweater with a black messenger bag slung over his shoulder.

"Hurry up and keep your hands where I can see them."

I nodded and looked to Alice and she was frozen in fear. But I'm sure that it wasn't easy watching a man put a gun to the back of your brother's head.

"Alice, take the kids and put them in the cribs," I instructed.

"Alice," the man with the gun spoke soft and slow. "You will stay where you are. That goes for all of you."

The panic was finally begining to register with me but I amazingly I was able to look composed. While Alice seemed to be falling apart, she was hyperventilating and tears were starting to pour down her cheeks. "Sir," I spoke soft and calm. "Why don't you put the gun down and we can work this out."

"You need to shut your pretty little mouth and start listening," the man growled. The emergency lights started to flash with no alarm sounding, signaling for everyone to begin the lock down procedures. I only prayed that it would work. "What is that?" he barked. None of us responded. "What the fuck is that?" he yelled even louder.

"I don't know." I shrugged.

But Alice chose that moment to become responsive. "It's the alarm," she breathed.

"Fuck!" the intruder cursed. "That was really fucking stupid." He kicked over the baby gate and forced Edward and himself inside. "I have a list," he said as he dangled out in front of him. Alice took one slow tentative step forward but he stopped her. "I want big mouth to do it." I placed the child in his crib and walked over calmly. "You better fucking hurry, sugar tits."

I pulled the paper from his hands and quickly read it, shaking my head. "These are names."

"Yes," was all he said. I didn't move. What the hell did he want me to do with a list of names? He pointed the gun at the wall behind me and fired. I felt bits of paster hit my back. Alice screamed and collapsed to the floor. "I don't have all fucking day!" he shouted at me.

"What do you want me to do?" I asked the panic quickly multiplying as he now aimed the gun toward me.

"I need you to bring me those children."

I shook my head. "I can't do that."

I could hear him groan in frustration. "Let's try this one last time." He pulled the gun's hammer back and held it at the ready, aimed right at me. "Bring me the children on the list!"

My mind raced a million miles a minute as I tried to figure a way out of the situation. I couldn't just hand over children to this man. But was I willing to die right here right now? Because if I didn't do it he would kill me. Then he would only force Alice to finish for him. But before I could do anything I heard more shots being fired followed by a scream in the hall. "Speak to me," the man shouted and waited for a response.

"Cops," I heard a woman's voice respond.

"Fuck!" he cursed and pulled me close to him, his gun pressing into my temple. "You and me are going to come up with a plan to get us all out alive."

"That I can do," I respond, letting out a heavy breath.

XXXXX

"Look, I haven't exactly told anyone about this so I would really really appreciate you keeping your mouth shut," I told Tanya. I turned toward the door. "And I'm sorry if I'm being a bitch but I've got a lot on my mind." That and the fact that I would never admit it to anyone's face but I really did not care for her. Sure, this was the first time I met her but everything about her annoyed the shit out of me.

"Been there," Tanya giggled as she followed me. "It's the hormones."

"It's not the fucking hormones," I whispered under my breath as I walked out. I was able to quickly compose myself and rejoin the table.

Edward was sitting across from me and looked up and smiled at me. "It's good to see you out."

"Yeah," I responded softly. "It's been awhile."

"You can say that again," Alice chimed in.

"I've been wondering when you were going to show up to one of these. We've really missed seeing you. And Tanya has been wanting to meet you forever." I nodded and listened to him ramble. "I've stopped by the daycare a few times, the place is really different. I've missed seeing you."

"I know," I said softly. "I do miss it. It's just been... Every time I think I might be ready..." I shrugged. "I'm just not there yet."

"How come Jacob didn't come today?" Alice asked suddenly changing the subject for me.

I sucked in my lower lip. "He had other plans," I lied.

"I would have liked to meet him," Edward spoke. I inhaled sharply. I was not ready to be here. Why did I let Jasper talk me into this? "Since I've heard so many great things about him."

I nodded uncomfortably. "Maybe next time," I answered quickly with a forced smile. He was beginning to test my boundaries and I was quickly reaching me limit for the night. "I need some fresh air," I excused myself suddenly.

"Just don't skip out on us," I heard a voice from the far end of the table call after me.

I froze in my tracks. "I'm not the type that abandons my friends," I shot back over my shoulder and rushed out of the building. I sat down on a bench outside the doors and rested my head in my hands. I heard footsteps approach and beside me someone lit a cigarette. "I could really use one of those right now," I breathed.

"Help yourself," Edward offered, holding his pack out to me.

I inhaled deeply and took in just enough of his secondhand smoke. "I quit."

"I thought I did too," Edward laughed. He looked at me with sympathy. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have started all that. I shouldn't have brought it all up. I've got so much going on and... I've been a real fucking idiot."

"No," I interrupted him. I pulled my coat tighter around me, trying to keep out the frigid air. "It's ok. I get it. My mind hasn't been exactly clear lately either." I finally looked him in the eyes and immediately regretted it.

He laughed. "No shit. Who would have figured we'd survive all that shit and come out so fucked up."

There was a short pause before I spoke again. "I meant to do a lot of things when we got out. Make a lot of changes to my life. But my life decided to make some for me instead."

"And what does that mean?" Edward asked, looking at me in confusion.

"Do you still think about it?" I wondered, changing the subject.

"All the time," Edward sighed, looking far away.

I furrowed my brow and tried to keep the tears at bay. "For me it doesn't stop. It replays in my head like a movie. And I can't get away from it. It haunts me wherever I go."

"I can understand that," Edward agrees. "It was different for all of us. Some of us had it easier."

"No one had it easy." I shook my head defiantly.

"But not everyone had it so hard," Edward argued locking eyes with me. "You don't need to do that with me, Bella. I know what it was like for you. I was there. I..."

"Please, don't," I pleaded, my breathing becoming labored. "I can't. Not right now."

He grabbed my hand and squeezed for support. "We're all in this together. We all have our own personal demons because of it. And if you need help slaying yours, I'm here. You know that, right?"

"I know," my voice cracked as I held back a sob.

"I called."

"I know," the lump in my throat rose, making my speech almost inaudible.

"Sometimes I don't know where to go from here," Edward said, finishing his cigarette. He again looked out into space. "I said a lot of things in there. And I meant them. I meant them all. But after we left, I don't know. It was so much harder. I want to. I want to change. But it's so easy to sweep it under the rug and go back to the way things were."

"Me too," I cried.

"Are you guys coming back or what?" Jasper peaked his head out and interrupted us.

"He can be such an ass." Edward rolled his eyes and stood. "I guess we should get back. It's fucking cold out here."

"Yeah," I sighed. I stood but found myself falling into his strong arms. The small stream of tears quickly turned into a river and I sobbed openly on his shoulder. "I'm sorry. I don't..."

Edward rubbed my back and tried to comfort me. "Don't," he pleaded.

I heeded his warning with a small change of subject. "I'm sorry I've been ignoring you when you needed a friend the most. I should have been there."

"And I should have called more than once," he said, wiping away my tears.

"I still wouldn't have answered." I shook my head. "I wasn't ready. And I still don't know if I am. But I'm close."

"Good," Edward nodded in agreement.

"And when we're both ready..." Edward raised his eyebrow and waited for me to continue. But I was at a loss for words. "When we're ready."


	3. 3: I See What's Going Down

**Chapter 3**

**I See What's Going Down**

I rejoined my table and sat back, watching all the people surrounding me. They were all telling stories about their lives. They were all able to move on and put the past behind them. Why was I the only one that seemed to be struggling with it? We all had one thing in common. The one thing that brought us all together. We were all affected by the hostage situation. But no one talked about it. No one talked about the blood that was shed. No one mentioned the lives that were lost. No one said a word about it. Instead it was all sunshine and rainbows for them. They talked about their futures. They discussed the things they wanted out of life. And there I sat stuck in the past unable to see through to the future. Even though I had a lot of thinking and planning that needed to be done. I couldn't see what my future held until I was able to let go of the past. And with each day that passed, it grew harder and harder. So I faked it. I pretended to be one of them. I put on my fake happy face and I heard their stories and listened at first but it only made me feel more depressed. So I just tried to space out and keep my undulating emotions in check.

And then the topic of conversation took a surprising turn. "How is Em?" Jessica questioned. The table grew silent and the happy faces turned somber. Maybe they were like me. Maybe they were all struggling just as much as I was. But they were just better actors. "Has any one been to see him?"

It remained silent, a think haze of gloominess filled the room. "Rosalie is there now. She hardly leaves his side any more," Alice said softly. "I try to go there at least once a day. His doctors say he needs to be surrounded by positive and familiar people."

"There hasn't been much of a change," Carlisle offered his doctoral opinion of his son.

No one other than his family spoke up about visiting him. After getting out of the stressful and scary environment of the hostage crisis, no one wanted to be reminded of it and certainly no one wanted to be bothered by the aftermath of it. Since the incident I had been to the hospital far too much. Exams. Blood work. Check ups. Crisis counseling. And twice a week I stopped in to see Emmett. I owed him a lot and visiting him a handful of times was at least a start. But I was stealthy. I didn't want to be there with anyone. I wasn't ready for conversation regarding the hostage situation. Carlisle was the only one who saw me. He knew about my visits and he was willing to keep a lot of secrets for me. Though he encouraged me to jump back into my life and begin to pick up the pieces he understood my reservations. So he did his part to help me, he always found an excuse to get his family out of the room just long enough for me to sit at his bedside and offer him my support and along the way vent out my frustrations and sorrows on someone who could only listen and not judge.

"I tried," Jessica added. "I got halfway there and turned around."

That was when I snapped back to the conversation. I breathed heavily and my jaw tensed in anger. "Running away seems to be your specialty," I spat at her.

And again the mood of the table shifted. It was a heavy and awkward silence. No one wanted to chose sides of the fight. I'm sure that has already been hashed out in one of their prior meetings.

Jessica bit back her tears. "I've already said I'm sorry," she said sniffling as she looked up to me. "I don't know what else to do. I can't take it back."

"And you wouldn't either," I corrected.

"Please," Jessica sobbed.

"Bella," Carlisle sided, resting his hand on my shoulder. "I think that's enough."

I turned to glare at him. "I thought that out of everyone that was here, you would understand! You may not have been in there with us but because of her a lot of bad things happened, Carlisle. A lot of people got hurt and one of them was your son! Your brother, Alice. Your family, Edward," I pleaded. "How can you guys forget?"

"It was an accident," Carlisle pleaded.

"No," I corrected. "What happened to Maria was out of our control. We couldn't have stopped that. But Emmett... She doesn't even care. It happened and she's fine and he's not, we're not and she doesn't care. He has a family. He didn't-he doesn't deserve..."

I looked up and found everyone staring at me. And it wasn't just our table, it was the entire restaurant. I stood frozen, waiting for someone to save me but they all continued to stare. How could I be the only one that could see it? How could I be the only one that felt that way? I took a few deep breaths and tried to calm myself. "This was a mistake," I uttered softly. "I shouldn't have come." I shook my head and quickly turned my back to them. "I'm sorry," I apologized before running outside.

XXXXX

I began to plan in my head. I needed to get out of this. I needed to get everyone out of this. And most importantly I needed to keep everyone alive. That was priority number one. So instead of trying to be a hero I went along with the gunman, buying myself more time to think. Right now the gunman wants everyone to be in one location so he and his cohorts could think of their escape plan. "Edward, close all the blinds in here then help Alice. Alice, you need to get all the kids into cribs and get them down to the gym. We'll worry about supplies later." I walked out of the room and looked around. I had been too late with the lock down and it had failed. The doors to the other rooms were opened and a woman with a gun patrolled the halls, trying to keep the situation under control.

"Get back," the woman's voice shouted at me as she aimed her gun.

"Let her go," the man shouted peaking his head out the door. "She's going to help save our asses."

"We're going to play a fun game!" I shouted, trying not to sound as terrified as I was. Stay calm and the children will stay calm. "Everyone line up at their doors and we're going to throw a party in the gym! Hurry, hurry or we'll miss it." I stepped back down the hall to the infant room and watched as everyone quickly marched down to the gym. Alice moved past me pushing a crib full of infants down the hall. I began to follow but stopped when I saw the red office carpet. It didn't used to be red.

"Keep moving," the man commanded me as he jabbed his gun into my back. I ignored him and took one step into the office. "I will not hesitate to kill you."

"Esme," I heard Edward cry from behind the gunman. "Bella, is it my mother? Is my mother in there?"

I walked over to the body and dropped down beside her. "Maria," I sighed as I rolled her over. I checked her vitals. Her heart rate was slow, hardly noticeable as my hands shook wildly. Her breaths came in soft irregular pants. "She's still alive." I looked back to the gunman. "You can't let her die," I argued. "She needs to get to a hospital." He didn't respond he just lifted his gun and aimed it at me. "So far you haven't committed any harsh crimes but if you let her die it will be murder. And they will show you no mercy for that."

"It's a good thing I don't plan on getting caught," he smirked at me. "She doesn't leave. No one leaves."

I furrowed my brow, my brain working quickly. "Then let me try to help her."

"We don't have time. Let's move," he demanded.

"I can help her!" I argued. It wouldn't be much but it would be something. Before settling on childcare I tried a semester of EMT training. I hoped it would be enough basic knowledge for me to help save a life. "Shoot me if you want but I'm going bot try to save her." I reached under the office desk and pulled out a first aid kit. I quickly cut away Maria's shirt and found the source of all the blood. A bullet hole in her chest. "Shit," I cursed. I lowered my ear to Maria's chest and listened. "She's got a collapsed lung. She needs to get to a hospital." The man didn't respond. "Fuck!" I cursed again. I stood and cared to unlock a cabinet and retrieved a small red kit. I opened it and pulled out a small syringe, I pulled off the cap and squirted out all the insulin onto the carpet. I pulled out the plunger and drove the needle into Maria's chest. I held my breath and hoped that it would do the trick. A small rush of air escaped, sounding like a soda bottle was just opened. Maria's breathing regulated itself but she remained unconscious. I taped the syringe in place then looked over Maria's wounds the bullet entered her upper left chest and exited out her back. I grabbed a baby blanket from the laundry basket in the corner and put it over the wound, applying pressure to help ease the bleeding. "Edward, in the maintenance closet there should be a sewing kit. I need it." The man didn't protest as Edward ran down the hall. I focused my attention back to the gunman. "She needs a hospital. I can only do so much. Maybe give her an hour or so, enough time to get her the help she needs. Please," I begged.

"No," the man said coldly.

"If this goes bad and you get caught, letting her get the help she needs will help you," I pleaded.

"I can't do that," he responded. "Just leave her be."

I again ignored him as Edward ran back in with the kit, I locked eyes with him. "If this doesn't work, I'm going to need you to go to the kitchen and do something for me.

"What? Why?" Edward questioned, kneeling beside me.

"I've never actually done this before. So if I can't do the stitches and get them to stop the bleeding, we're going to have to cauterize the wound." I could tell from his silence that he knew that that meant. And that he was praying just as much as I was that the stitching would work. I opened a sterile alcohol wipe and cleaned the area. I took a deep breath and was amazed that my hands didn't shake as I threaded the needle. I had never given stitches before. My only experience with a needle and thread was sewing buttons back on Charlie's uniform. It didn't take long for me to finish stitching both wounds. It ended up being a sloppy mess but it would do. The blood flow didn't stop but it seemed to slow. "That's all I can do right now," I sighed. I looked up to the man. "Please, let her go. I will drop her outside the doors and come right back. I swear."

It's time for us to join everyone," he insisted. "I've let you play doctor long enough."

"We can't just leave her here," I argued.

"You said you did all that you could," he shrugged. "And if you're right and she's only got an hour... I think we may be stuck here just a bit longer than that. It's time for us to move on."

"But she's still alive. We can help her," I insisted. He shook his head. "I'm not leaving her," I wiped my hands on my shirt, smearing dark read blood all over.

"Lets go," the man said as he pointed his gun at me.

"Bella, please," Edward whispered, grabbing my arm. "You did what you could." But I held my ground. The man had plenty of opportunity and reason to shoot me but so far he hadn't. I stared him in the eyes trying not to show any trace of fear. I took in a sharp breath as he tightened his grip on the trigger. I looked back to Maria. I had done pretty much all I could. I propped her feet up on a chair and curled my legs underneath me as I grabbed her hand.

The sound of the gunshot silenced the room for only a moment. Children screamed and cried in the distance. A gentle mist of scarlet drops rain down on me. My eyes grew wide with fear and I released a loud gasping sob. The gunman moved his weapon at the last instant, shooting Maria in the head and presumably killing her instantly. "I said, let's go," he demanded again. I didn't move. I couldn't move. "Hurry the fuck up!"

Edward grabbed my arm and pulled me to my feet. He led me down the hall to the gym. I was lost in a haze. I had helped Maria. He had let me. He stood and watched, allowing me to attempt to save her life. But in the end it didn't matter. He killed her. And I saw it. I saw the last breath leave her body. I watched the blood pool around her body. I was covered in her blood.

"Bella," Alice shouted as she ran up to me. "Shit! Oh my god, the blood." Her eyes scanned my body. "What happened? Are you ok?" I glanced at my reflection in the glass of the gym's office. I was a mess. My while shirt was now mostly red. And my face was freckled with Maria's blood.

I nodded slowly. "I'm ok. It's not mine," my voice was weak and distant.

"Where did it come from?" Alice asked.

"The office..." I started. "The carpet was red. I got it all over," I rambled.

"Edward," Alice turned to her brother in a panic. "Was it mom? Is that her blood? Is she ok? Did she get out?"

Edward locked eyes with his sister. "I didn't see her. She must have left already." There was a moment of silence between the three of us. "Alice, it was Maria."

Her posture stiffened. "Oh god! Tommy. What do we do? Jasper," she rambled. "I have to tell Jasper." She quickly ran away.

It had seemed like forever since the siltation had started. But when I looked at the clock it had only been about fifteen minutes since I was laughing with Edward and Alice over a conversation about wedding plans. I looked around and found Emmett directing traffic. He had began to organize the room. Alice had taken the infants into the small kitchen area, secluded against the front wall. It was walled off from the rest of the gym with plexiglass windows from floor to ceiling and one door that could be closed but it wouldn't provide any privacy just quiet. Toy shelves had been arranged in a small square against the back left corner to provide a makeshift playpen for the toddlers their teacher, Rosalie playing blocks with them. The 3-year-olds and the 4 and 5-year-olds were grouped together against the left side wall, singing songs with their teachers Jessica and Lauren singing songs with them. And Emmett and Angela had the school age children against the right wall. They were the only ones that had the look of terror on their faces. Some cried. Some just looked lost. And a few looked angry. I did a quick numbers count. 42 children. 10 employees, if you included Edward. And 2 parents cradling their children. Too many people. Too risky to do any bold escape plans.

I was approached by the man who had shot Maria. "You're sure this is the safest place to be?" he questioned me.

"Yes." I nodded. "No windows. Only two entrances, both in a very open view on the same wall. One only leads up that hall again and the other out to our patio. It's large enough for everyone and it will keep the kids occupied."

"Good work," he commended me before walking away.

I leaned against the wall and slowly sat down, placing my head in my hands. I couldn't get the image of Maria's lifeless body out of my mind. I had no use for that. I needed to clear my head. I needed to think. I needed to get everyone out of there before someone else met the same fate. "We need to get out," I said softly. But it wasn't necessary. Everyone else was thinking the same thing.

Edward approached and crouched in front of me. "How are you doing?" I shrugged. I didn't know what to say. "Do you mind?" he asked, holding out a dampened paper towel. "I thought you might feel better if we got you cleaned up a bit," he offered as he gently rubbed Maria's blood off my face.

"Thank you," I sighed.

"Are you ok?"

I nodded. "I'll be fine," I responded getting to my feet and making my way to the gunman. "I need to get supplies."

"No," was his simple answer.

I stared at him blankly and blinked several times. "I need to get supplies," I tried again. "The kids need things. We need things. The hall we all just walked down to get here, has a bunch of windows that need to be covered and blocked out if you don't want the cops using them against you."

He smiled and laughed. "You are a very smart girl. A big pain in my ass. But I think I might just like you."

XXXXX

I quickly reached my truck and fumbled through my purse to find my keys. The cold winter weather caused my hands to shake worse than they already were.

"Bella," I heard Edward say softly.

"Please," I cried not turning around to meet him. "I don't want to do this."

"I know." He nodded. "I'm not going to force you." He paused and looked at the icy ground. "Tanya sent me out. She wanted me to check on you. I guess she likes you."

I laughed and turned to him. It hurt that she seemed to care more than anyone else and I had just met her. And I had been rude to her. And I had made up my mind not to like her and I think I might have to change it. "Of course she does." I wiped away my tears.

"How are you doing?" he asks, resting his hand on my arm. "And don't lie to me and tell me you're great because I know you're not."

"I don't know," I admit softly. "It was so much easier before. And even while we were in there. Things made sense. You did what you had to do. And now... I don't know where to begin."

He nodded, trying to digest my words. "And Jacob? How has he been taking it?"

I shook my head. "We've been having some problems." It was the first time I had said it out loud. "We were ok before, you know. Not great but ok. And then... I don't know. So much has changed. I see things so differently now. And I tried. I don't know how to go back. And he doesn't get it. He doesn't understand." I paused. "After we got out... I don't know. Things were good. He was so attentive and grateful. But he can't give me time. He won't give me space. All he wants to do is talk. And I don't. All I want to do is forget. I'm not ready to talk. I'm not ready to face it. I'm a mess. But he keeps pushing me. He wants to know everything. And I can't do it. I can't talk about it with him."

"Have you talked about it at all?"

"No." I shook my head. "I went to the crisis counselor but I just couldn't talk to him. He... he wasn't there. He wouldn't get it."

"I called you. I was there. You could talk to me."

I ignored him and changed the subject. "Have you talked to Tanya?" I looked away from him. "Have you told her things?"

"Not really. She wouldn't understand," he echoed my sentiments with a smirk. "I guess we're in the same boat." There was a long pause. "Do you want to?" I furrowed my brow, waiting for him to finish. "Talk about it?" He shrugged. "We can forget all about those guys. Go somewhere else. Just the two of us. And talk."

"What about Tanya?"

"She'll understand."

I shivered from the cold and crossed my arms in front of my chest, trying to keep myself warm. "That would be nice." I nodded. I didn't know why I agreed. I had spent a lot of time and effort avoiding everyone, especially him. But I guess it might be nice to have a friend. Someone who knows some of my deepest darkest secrets. Someone who experienced a lot of them with me. Maybe it would help me to be one of those happy people they all moved on to be.

"I'll drive," Edward offered, leading me to his car. "I really have missed you," he said as he opened the passenger side door for me. I couldn't find my voice so I just nodded. "I think there are a few things that we need to talk about anyway," he said as he started the engine.

Again I nodded. "Can we wait? Just for a little bit."

"Of course," Edward nodded. "I know that this isn't easy for you. Especially if you've been keeping everything bottled up."

"I couldn't. There are just some things that I couldn't say. I still can't. You know... You haven't been able to say things to Tanya. Or anyone else..." My last sentence was more of a question than a statement.

"No," he shook his head. "No, I haven't. And I can only imagine what it's like for you."

"It's not just me..."

"Bella, I was there. I saw and heard a lot of things that no one else did. You don't have to pretend with me."

I inhaled sharply, feeling the tears sting in my eyes again. "This isn't the place."

"Where do you want to go?" he asked.

"I don't care," I sighed and looked out the window. "Just some place where we can be alone. I want to be alone." Edward nodded, understanding completely.


	4. 4: What if You

**Chapter 4**

**What if You**

I sunk into the bed and looked around uncomfortably. Edward's choice of a quiet location where we could be alone to talk was a little odd. Sure, it was a nice room. But I'm sure it looked a little odd to an outsider that he and a woman, other than his fiancee, would get a hotel room together. I certainly thought it was odd.

I avoided the inevitable conversation that was ahead of us by surveying the room. There was a wonderful plush king sized bed that I was trying to get lost in. And because he had requested the best and most private room (I'm sure that made it look even more suspect), the concierge gave us the honeymoon suit. There was a giant Jacuzzi in the shape of a heart in the middle of the room. I sighed heavily as Edward removed his jacket and sat beside me.

I grabbed a pillow, cuddled it close to me and fell back into the bed, resting on my side. "I don't know why I wanted to do this," I whispered into the pillow.

"We don't have to," Edward assured me, resting his hand on my back. To anyone looking in, it may have looked like two lovers contemplating an illicit tryst.

I nodded slowly. "I know but I think we have to." I rolled onto my back and looked up at Edward. "I've stalled long enough. It's been a long time. I should be over it. Or at the very least getting comfortable talking about it. Right?"

Edward shrugged. "There may be some things that you may not ever be able to get over."

I frowned. "Well that's not what I wanted to hear."

"But it's the truth. I don't think any of us are ever really going to get over what happened. We can't forget it. Move on, yeah, slowly. Some have started, some are trying and well... there are even a few that can't seem to get their start."

"Which one are you?" I asked, holding the pillow tighter.

Edward looked to the floor, searching for his answer. "I'm having a hard time," he admitted, his voice cracking.

"It sure doesn't look like it," I assured him.

"Don't be fooled," he said, laying beside me, folding his hands over his chest. "I am. I saw things and did things that... I don't even know where to begin."

I understood. I felt the exact same way. "And you don't wanted to think about them let alone ever admit to them." I rolled back onto my side and faced him, looking right at him.

He followed suit and rolled to face me. "But it's not like the two of us don't already know each other's secrets."

I sucked in my bottom lip. "Maybe not all of them," I admitted softly. I don't know why I said it. They were called secrets because you don't want anyone to know them. So why was I walking around blabbing them to anyone who I spoke to? He have me a questioning glance but didn't push the subject. Because he knew what it was like. If he were in my position he would be just as hesitant and I would be just as willing to give him the time he needed. That's how things worked between us. We talked when we were ready and we waited patiently when we were not.

"So are we going to dance around the subject some more or are we actually going to talk? Either way it doesn't matter to me," he assured. "I just want to know who is going to start if we decide to do this thing."

I sighed heavily. "If I knew where to start, I would."

"Start with whatever is bothering you the most," he offered. "I'm all ears."

"There isn't just one thing." I paused. I wanted to start slow. I wanted to start with something that he would be able to understand. I needed to practice discussing the moderately difficult things before I began to tackle the really difficult things. "I miss my home. I know I'm still living there and all. Everything looks the same because it is the same but it doesn't feel like my home any more. Nothing feels right. My whole life changed in there. And yeah, that is to be expected, right? But I don't want that. I just want my life back the way it was before. And it sucks to know that it's never going to happen," I admitted as I gnawed on my bottom lip.

XXXXX

"Edward," I shouted for him. "I need your help." He hung his head and walked towards me and under the watchful eyes of the hostage takers we began to gather supplies and block out the windows in the hall. I could see the flashes of red and blue from the police cars outside. And I could just imagine Charlie frantically pacing back and forth. "It's starting to snow," I said trying some casual conversation, I hoped it would help ease the mood a little.

He gave me a puzzled look. "At least we don't have to go anywhere," he went along with my conversation with a shrug.

I discreetly and inched closer to him. I looked over my shoulder, two of them were watching the gym while the one that killed Maria stared at me and Edward, making sure we didn't do anything stupid. "I know you're family is... prosperous but Tanya's as well?" I asked softly.

"Yes, I suppose," Edward answered in an equally soft tone. "But what does that have to-"

"And Maria," it was difficult for me to say her name. "Her family is wealthy also?"

"I don't know. Maybe. I guess. Why?" he asked angrily, dropping the baby blanket he was trying to use to cover the window.

"Keep working," I encouraged him. "And keep your voice down. We don't need an audience for this," I chastised him. "Raena and Tommy were on the list." Edward gave me a confused look. "Keep working," I insisted. "I can't talk in front of them so let's keep them off our backs so we can continue. I will explain as we go." I moved farther down the hall and began to tack the blanket to the window. "He handed me that paper back in the room. It was a list of names. Raena and Tommy were on it. There were others too. All came from wealthy families."

"What does that mean?"

"I don't know for sure. But my best guess is they are looking for money. A kidnapping for ransom or something like that." Edward nodded in agreement. "I won't let anything happen to them."

"And neither will I."

Our conversation paused as we continued to block out the windows. "I'm going to try to get a message to the outside."

Edward shook his head. "And how do you plan on doing that? They've stripped everyone of their cell phones and good luck getting to a land line."

The hall darkened as I draped another blanket over a window. "I don't always follow your mother's rule about the phones staying in the car," I admitted softly. "I found that if I keep it on silent and hide it just right in my bra no one knows the difference. And they haven't searched me well enough to find it." I shrugged. "I don't like being without it. I've always felt sort of... naked without it. Call me paranoid but it's paid off."

"Just don't do anything stupid," Edward insisted. "We really need you. Somehow you're the only one able to completely keep their cool."

"Don't be fooled." I shook my head. "I'm a wreak. I'm just trying not to think. If I start, I don't think I'll be able to stop. And then it would be all over for me. I would just become a blubbering mess and that does us no good."

"But you do need to starting thinking,' Edward said and he stopped to look at me. "You already almost got yourself killed."

I shrugged, trying to be nonchalant. "I couldn't just not do anything. I had to try. And better me than someone else."

"Don't say that," Edward snapped.

"But it's true," I almost cried. "I've already watched one person die. I don't have the heart to see another."

Edward grabbed my arm and stared into my eyes . "Neither do I," he said, squeezing my arm gently. I nodded and covered the last window.

We walked back to the gym and to our captors. "All the windows and doors are covered. All hallways. All rooms. It's getting late. I think we should eat," I informed the gunman who was sitting down.

"I told you, baby," he smiled at me. "No one leaves. And no comes in. Not even for food."

I roll my eyes and laughed as Edward came to my side. "This is a daycare. We house large amounts of children for 12 hours a day. If you know anything about children know that they eat. A lot. We have an industrial sized refrigerator in the kitchen. And a side note that I think you may like... our freezer is probably big enough to hold 3 bodies. 4 if you you put a little elbow grease into it." He didn't give me the green light so I kept talking. "If we don't feed these kids soon all hell is going to break loose. You think they are crying a lot now? Withhold food from them for a few hours. It'll get really ugly. And food makes everything better. They'll shut up and go to sleep." He still didn't respond to me. "Plus, we need some supplies. If you get a little closer to those babies, you'll smell what I'm talking about. We have no diapers, no bottles or formula. We have nothing and we need things. Badly. And I really have to pee." He moved his head to the left and gestured towards the restrooms. "Something else you'll learn. Since this is a day care and it's all about kids. Everything is child sized. I'm not using the mini potties."

It took the man a minute to think. "Take Nehil with you."

"What?" I gaped. "You have names? Should have told me that earlier. It would make things so much easier."

He nodded. "Nehil," he said pointing to the the dark skinned man in jeans. "Omnis," he pointed to the nicely dressed woman with curls the color of fire. "And you can call me Nemo."

"Like the fish?" Edward asked. The man chuckled lightly. "You named yourself after a Disney character? That's a little weird."

"Not like the fish," I responded. "Nemo me impune lacessit."

Nemo quickly jumped from his seat and knotted his fingers in my hair. He pushed my head forward, slamming it into the wall. I bit my tongue to keep quiet. He kept his fingers in my hair holding me still as he leaned forward and whispered into my ear, "I bet that hurt. And please, tell me what you plan on doing about it?" he asked with a laugh. He grabbed a knife that was tucked away in his pants and held it up to my neck threateningly. "You can't get any sort of revenge if you're dead."

"But I can," Edward spoke up, walking closer to us.

"Stay out of this," I growled.

"No," Nemo laughed. "Let the boyfriend talk." He looked at Edward. "What would you do? If I killed her," he said, pressing the knife harder against my skin. "Would you kill me? If I hurt her, would you hurt me?" The man moved the knife away from my neck and cut a fistful of my hair off, throwing the discarded locks at Edward's face. Edward didn't move. "Exactly what I thought. Now be a good little boy and do what you're told."

I pushed Nemo off my back and quickly spun to face him, picking up the overlooked pair of scissors on the table beside him. He reacted by aiming his gun at me. "If you really wanted to get a reaction," I said moving the scissors to the back of my head. "You would have gone shorter." I snipped my hair small sections at a time, letting my it fall softly to the floor. My brown hair now fell unevenly just below my ears, strands slowly falling into my face, covering my eyes. I slammed the scissors back on the table and stared into the barrel of the gun and then into Nemo's eyes. My breath came in quick pants. I pushed the hair from my face and continued with my angry gaze. "May I go cook dinner now?"

Nemo lowered his gun and laughed. "You have spunk. I like spunk." He waved his hand up the hall for me to go. "Nehil, follow," he demanded of his partner in crime. As I began to walk away he called over his shoulder to me. "Do something stupid and I start killing babies."

"What the fuck was that?" Edward cursed as he chased after me. I just shrugged and continued to stomp up the hall into the kitchen. "Bella," Edward stopped me. "You're bleeding," he said looking closely at my forehead.

"It's fine," I brushed him off. "I don't even feel it. Edward, you find the chicken nuggets. I'm going to pee."

"You're not going anywhere," Nehil said, grabbing my arm roughly and holding me in place. "We stay together."

"The kitchen is right there." I pointed to the open door to my left. "And the bathroom is right there." I pointed to the closed door to my right. "You can stand here and see both rooms. So if you don't mind..." I tried to shrug him off but he just gripped tighter. "Look, neither room has an outside exit. You can see the entire kitchen from here and the bathroom as no windows, no other doors and nothing but toilet paper, paper towels and hand soap. Not even Macgyver can do anything but take a piss in there."

That time I was able to brush him off and walk in, slamming the door behind me. I moved quickly, turning the switch for the lights and fans on. I removed my phone from my bra and composed a text to my father. I was never thankful that he was the town's chief of police until now. It was great to be able to have direct contact with the police department. He wasn't exactly tech savvy but I figured that he would be able to figure it out. My fingers typed quickly trying to convey as much information as I had.

3 armed assailants looking to kidnap children: 1 blonde man 1 African American man with long dreadlocks 1 woman long curly red hair. 42 children. 10 staff. 2 parents. 1 Maria Manuel dead. All gathered in gym. Otherwise safe for now.

I knew I should have added a personal message but what do you really end that with? I made sure it sent and replaced the phone between my breasts. I flushed the toilet and washed my hands. I tried not to look in the mirror but couldn't resist. I looked like shit. My white shirt was covered in Maria's blood. And even after Edward wiped my face I could still see errant speckles of dried blood on my face, in my hair and pretty much covering every part of my body. My hair looked like I allowed one of the children to cut it. And worst of all fresh blood dripped from a cut above my right eye. I washed my face and arms quickly trying to get rid of as much of Maria's blood as I could. The new cut I had on my forehead stung and throbbed as I tried to clean it and stop the bleeding. But I gave up when there was a sharp knock on the door. "Hurry up, Princess," Nehil demanded in a heavy accent. I wish I would have known that earlier I could have sent that information to Charlie as well. I joined Edward in the kitchen, Nehil remaining in the hall not wanting to help.

"You promised you wouldn't do anything stupid," Edward reminded me softly as I started the oven.

"I never promised anything." I shook my head. "I told you I can't stop to think... I just react."

"Well stop. You need to think before you get yourself killed. These guys aren't fucking around. They holding 50 people hostage. They've already killed one woman completely unprovoked. What do you think they'll do to you if you make them mad?" I looked away and shrugged. "I don't want to lose you," his voice cracked. I turned away from him and we resumed making dinner in silence for a few minutes. "What did you say to him to make him so mad? I didn't understand it." Edward wondered.

"It doesn't matter." I shook my head.

"Obviously it did to him," Edward argued.

"It was just a stupid quote," I responded with a shrug. Edward glared letting me know he wanted more information. "It was in Latin. When I was younger my parents fought a lot and they eventually divorced. They thought that I would benefit from the stability of private school. They decided on a Catholic all girls boarding school. And it was just what you would expect. Petty cat fights. Name calling. Slutty girls in short skirts. It was one axe murder away from being a cheesy horror film. And just like in the movies they taught you Latin as your foreign language. I guess I retained a few things. As did Nemo, he's apparently also a product of prep school. Their names are all Latin words. Nemo is no one. Nehil is nothing. Omnis is everything."

"So you nearly got killed because you said some stupid phrase in a dead language?" He shouted at me. He opened his mouth to yell but he knew it wouldn't do any good. And he could probably tell from the look on my face that I regretted it at least a little bit anyway. He met my gaze again. "You never fixed your cut."

"I'll be fine." I shrugged and continued to work.

"Let me fix it," Edward insisted.

"It's fine," I argued, bitting back tears.

"Let me fix you." He pulled me away from the chicken nuggets and held me close.

XXXXX

"Who says your life if never going to be the same again?" Edward questioned. If he only knew.

"Trust me," I sighed. "It's just not possible. I mean, can you go back? Is your life the same?"

"I suppose your right. The events of your life are supposed to change you. But it doesn't have to be a bad thing."

My phone rang and I checked my caller ID. "Jacob. He worries a lot."

"He loves you," Edward said. The tears threatened again as I nodded. "What's going on, Bella?"

"So much," I cried. "There is so much going on right now. It's breaking me down and I don't know what to do. Do I keep going on the way things are and hope I get over it? Or do I... I don't know. My head is so messed up. I can't-I can't think."

I paused to gather my thoughts. And Edward just watched me like the open book he promised to be. "Like Jacob. He's trying. I see that. But he's trying too hard. Especially now. He wants to be there all the time. He wants to make sure he's there whenever I need something. And I can't stand it! He can't fix me. I'm not like a car. You can't just get under the hood and see what's wrong. And it kills him. He thinks he's letting me down. He wants to make everything better for me and he can't. He wants so much. He wants to be my life and my everything. But it doesn't work like that. And even if it did... I don't think I want him to be." I shrugged and wiped away the tears.

"I thought when we got out, maybe all those feelings were just because I was alone and scared and I was trying to distance myself in case of the worst case scenario. But I never got over it. I've tried. But... He doesn't even know the half of what happened and he already looks at me like I'm damaged goods, completely broken. And I am. I know that. But I don't want anyone else to know that. I'm a person completely separate from all the bad things that happened. I don't want those things to define me. I don't want all of those things to be the first thing people think about when they think of me. And he doesn't understand that. He thinks if he knows everything it will make everything better. But it will just let him see all those bad things when he looks at me. He wont see me. Or the reasons he fell in love with me. He'll see death and... tragedy and... so much more. And he gets frustrated when he can't get me to open up. And when he can't miraculously fix me. And because no matter how hard he tries... I changed in there. And I can't go back. I love him, I really do. But I've come to realize that I'm not in love with him anymore. And I don't know how you go about telling someone that. I don't know how to tell him that when I need someone to hold me, I don't want it to be him. I would rather be alone than with him." My frown deepened as the tears came faster. "And I especially don't know how to tell him that when I had a gun held to my head he wasn't what I was thinking about."

Edward rubbed my back gently as I vented out my fears and frustrations. It wasn't much but the small physical contact was comforting. It helped draw the words out of my mouth. "What were you thinking about?" He asked, gently placing a hand on my waist.

I looked away from him. "Which time?" I joked.

"All of them," he offered.

I took a deep breath and curled in closer to him. "I got off topic. This isn't really what I wanted to talk about." I stopped, searching for the strength to continue. "We've all been keeping secrets. Some more than others." I sighed heavily. "I just can't figure out the right way to say it. I think that's why I've been avoiding everyone for so long. And I didn't respond to your call or anyones calls. I've had this thing that's just been eating away at me. And I've wanted to say it. I've wanted to talk it out. But I don't know who to talk to. And I've been so scared to say it out out loud and admit that it's actually happening." I looked away from him and to the wall behind him. I didn't want to see his face when I said it. I didn't know why that with all that I've been through this scared me most of all. "I'm pregnant."

I could tell from the way his hand tensed on my hip that he was taken aback by my announcement. "Well, congratulations to you and Jacob," he said quickly. "You must be happy. Both of you. Is that why you're still with him? Even after all of your... realizations and fears."

"Yes. No. Yes." I couldn't decide what was the truth and what was the lie. So I took in a few deep breaths and continued. "I've got so much going on. So many things that I'm silently dealing with that I didn't want to add anything to it. I don't want to sit down and explain myself to Jacob. I don't want to break up and have to tell him why. I guess, i just thought that it would be easier to tough it out for a little while. At least until... I don't know, my life gets back to some semblance of normal." I sucked in my lower lip and chewed on it nervously. "But I'm not going to stick with him because of the baby. That's asinine and causes more problems than it's worth in the end. And he doesn't even know yet. And I don't plan on telling him." Edward gave me a questioning glance. ""Because it's not his." Fresh tears streaked down my face and I buried my face in Edward's.

He wrapped his arms around me, trying to offer his support. But I could feel his fear and tension fall into me as he gently held me. "Who?" he whispered coldly into my ear.

I shook my head. I'm not ready yet. But I found myself speaking anyway. "I've got it narrowed down to two."


	5. 5: The Only One Around

**Chapter 5**

**The Only One Around**

I could hear his breathing halt for about thirty seconds. "Wow," he finally breathed. "That's... some heavy shit." And when his eyes met mine, I broke down again. He pulled me in close and rubbed my back. He placed a soft kiss on the top of my head. It wasn't much but his small showings of affection held to sooth me. It reminded me that no matter what I thought or felt I did have people out there to love and support me. Or at the very least I had one.

I started to speak several times but failed at every attempt. My lower lip quivered as I pulled away from him. I wiped the tears away in vain, knowing they would just fall again. "So..." he began to speak. I met his eyes and saw the worry and question in them. "That's... You..." he floundered for some words. His head reached between us and rested it gently on my stomach.

"Please don't," I stopped him, pulling away from his touch. "I didn't... I couldn't... I can't." I sat up and looked away from him. "We promised." I reminded him. "We would get out and forget about all the bad things. It was over and there was no need to dwell on it. Just let the past be in the past. But I couldn't. And I can't. And I never will be able to. You guys can move on. But I'm... I've got thing that I can't escape." I turned back to him. "When we got out and I was in the hospital they ran so many tests I couldn't keep up. And I kept going back for more and more. And I've been told they're still not over. But from the very beginning this was their fear. They said that mathematically it was a good chance and then two weeks pass and... Surprise." I shrugged. "I've been so lost since then. I don't really know what to do."

Edward paused a moment, taking in all of the information. "And you're sure it's not Jacob's?"

I shrugged again. "The doctor's have said that anything is possible. But it's highly improbably," I explained softly. "They can do a DNA test when I'm farther along or after the baby is born. But I don't know."

"You don't want to know?" Edward questioned.

"Why would I?" I asked, glaring at him. Trying to convey my uneasy emotions.

"What if-"

"It doesn't matter," I cut him off. "Whoever the father is. It doesn't matter. It's not like they'll ever be an active part of this kids life."

"But..."

I shook my head softly, silently pleading with him to drop it. "I don't even know if I'm keeping the baby. I've been thinking about it. An abortion would be the easiest. You know, just do it and then pretend like it never happened. But every time I even consider it... I just don't think I could ever go with it. I get sick every time I think about it. It's a life growing inside of me and it has every right to live. It's done nothing wrong. And then I begin to think about adoption. But I love kids and I don't think that I can carry a child for nine months, give birth, look at that beautiful baby that's a part of me and then let it go." My voice cracked as I fought the tears away. "But I don't know if I can just... act like this isn't going to destroy me. I am afraid that if I raise this baby, all it's going to do is hold me back. Keep me stuck in that room. In that place. Scared and alone. Surrounded by death and destruction and everything else that is horrible in this world."

"It was horrible," Edward agreed. "But remember that you were never alone."

I inhaled deeply. "Yes, I was. But those are the moments that I don't talk about. I try to keep from even thinking about them. But it's getting harder." I frowned, fighting with all my strength to keep my lower lip from visibly quivering.

"Bella," Edward sighed sitting up and again wrapping his arms around me. "I'm sorry."

I shook my head. "Nothing you could have done."

"How do you know?" Edward argued. "Maybe I could have. Maybe if someone would have just spoken up. Made a move. Did something-anything other than just listen. Maybe I could have stopped it. But I just sat back. And look at what it did for us?"

"It wouldn't have made a difference. The only thing that could have changed anything is if I didn't hit the panic button. All I had to do was give into their requests. But I wasn't going to let that happen. I couldn't risk it. I didn't want to just hand over children to sadists like them. And because I couldn't live with that, people are dead."

"A lot more people would have died with out you."

I ignored him. I didn't like the turn in the conversation. But I had a feeling that anything either either one of us had to say to the other was going to make a difference. We had both placed all the burden and blame on ourselves and I know I wasn't going to relinquish any of it. And we could only comfort each other so much and words could only get us so far. But we were still forever bonded by the days we shared together. "It's getting late," I sighed.

"Do you want to leave?" Edward offered.

"Not really," I sighed again. "I don't want to go home. Jacob will be there, pacing back and forth anxiously waiting to hear about my day. Then begging to hear about everything else. And I don't want to. I just want to make it all go away."

"You can stay if you want." Edward offered. "The room is paid through the night. And if you need some more time I will put a few more days on the account for you."

"Thank you," I said, offering a smile.

Edward returned my smile. He looked past me and out the window. "Fucking snow," he cursed. "It's really coming down. It's going to be a bitch to drive in."

"Then don't. The bed is big enough for two," I suggested. I didn't think before i said it. It didn't come out right. "Or since you did pay and all, you take the bed and I take the couch. I'm sure Tanya wouldn't really like it if we shared a bed today, even if it much larger than the one... We should see if we can switch to another room. Maybe with two double beds instead of this ridiculously large one."

Edward stood almost frozen looking between me and the weather outside. "I really should get home. Tanya can be very understanding, but I don't know what she would think about this."

I sucked in my lower lip. "She doesn't have to know if you don't want her to. I mean, we..." I paused. "Kind of slept in very close proximity already. Some would say we even shared a bed. I know it was different. Don't get me wrong. I don't want you to feel like you have to stay..." I trailed off. "But I don't want you to leave because you think you have to either. I just don't want you to take the risk. If the roads are bad and... I don't want to lose anyone else."

I could see the inner war raging inside his head. I thought for a second that I might even see smoke come out from his ears. "I guess I could make a call and see what Tanya thinks."

XXXXX

An hour later, dinner was served and for the moment everyone seemed to be happy. Or at least as happy as we could be given the current situation. I sighed as I stood and made my way to Nemo. "We have more work to do."

"I beg your pardon but _we _don't have any work to do. Any work that may need done is yours and yours alone. And what else could you possibly have to do?" He groaned.

"Well, technically I'm still at work so..." I shrugged. "It's getting late. Some of the kids are very tired. I think it's time to get blankets and pillows and cots and start setting up for the night." I rubbed my arms, trying to keep myself warm. The gym didn't hold heat well and with the snow coming down outside the room seemed to have already dropped ten degrees.

"Is that all really necessary?"

"Yes. I'm very surprised at how well the kids are doing so far. And to keep them as happy as we possibly can, we need to keep things as normal as we possibly can."

"Fine," Nemo agreed. "But maybe this time you could leave your shadow behind," he suggested.

I turned back to face him. "I can't do it all alone. That would take forever."

Nemo laughed. "Do you really think I would let you do anything alone?" He turned to his right and instructed Nehil to follow me.

I marched up the hall and started in the infant room. I gathered everything I could think of that would help and put them all in a crib and started to wheel it out of the room. I looked over my shoulder and could see Nehil's black eyes staring at me. "If you don't want this to take forever and a day, I suggest you help."

"I have a better idea." He smirked.

I brushed him off. "If it doesn't have to do with helping me, I don't want to hear it." I turned around and pushed the crib forward. It was only a few seconds before I was roughly turned around.

"Did you forget which one of us has the gun?" His breath was hot on my ear.

"Is that some sort of..." My tongue darted out of my mouth, wetting my lips as I exaggerated my thoughts. "Overcompensation for you? Possibly making up for some shortcomings?" I allowed my eyes to wander down to his exaggerated belt buckle. I could hear his breathing quicken as his grip on me tightened. "I think you should let me go now."

"And why would I do that?"

"Because I'm not afraid of you." I looked him right in the eyes and hope he wouldn't see through my lies.

Nehil lifted me up and slammed me back against the wall. "I will give you something to be afraid of."

I fought my fears and leaned forward, closing the distance between us. "You're nothing," I whispered. "Or didn't you know that?"

"I was sent to help," Edward said softly as he entered the room. He paused, unsure of what he was seeing between Nehil and I.

"Finally, someone to actually help." I pushed the man off of me and exhaled all my nerves.

"This isn't over," Nehil reminded me as I gripped the crib again.

I ignored his statement and looked at Edward. "Grab a crib and fill it with as many blankets and pillows as you can."

"What's going on?" he whispered to me so softly I could hardly hear, let alone anyone else. My only response was a small head shake that I wasn't even sure he could see. After we got all the cribs we needed I left Edward with the mission to gather the leftover crib mattresses and I enlisted the help of Emmett and Jasper to gather the cots with me. It took just under an hour to get everything down to the gym and set up.

After completing the job I sighed and slowly stepped backwards, hoping that the usual squeak of the door was quiet. And at least that one small prayer was answered. I slipped into the girls bathroom and let out a loud sight. I quickly pulled my phone out and saw more new messages than I ever had before. I didn't take the time to listen to my voicemails but I read through my text messages. There were several panicked messages from Charlie trying to get more information and give me updates from the outside. I didn't send anything out, nervous that I would be found with my phone and I hastily replaced it.

I threw my head back and a frown tugged at the corners of my mouth. I sunk to my feet and curled up in the corner, drawing my knees up to my chest. I struggled to hold back my tears, if I started I was afraid I wouldn't be able to stop. So I sat alone in the darkness, trying to keep myself from falling apart. I closed my eyes and rested my head on my knees when I saw a quick flash of light as the door opened. "Please," I begged, my voice so small and defeated I didn't even recognize it. "Leave me alone."

"I can't," Edward insisted, lowering himself down in front of me. He moved closer, wrapping his arms around me.

I pulled away from him and pulled the pack of cigarettes I sneaked out of the office from my pocket. "Please tell me that you have a lighter on you." Edward extended his lighter to me and I let out a sigh of relief. I lit the cigarette, the soft glow of the lighter illuminating the fresh tearstains on my cheek for a moment. I took a long first drag. "This is the only vice I get to have at a job like this. I can't grab a beer at lunch if I'm having a bad day. I can't even be here if I'm under the influence of drugs. Even the legal ones. I had some dental work done last month and they prescribed me Vicodin but if I wanted to be here, I couldn't take it. I have to be of sound mind and body to be responsible for children. And it's almost impossible for me to even get a little time off, even when I'm legitimately sick because there are state laws and ratios and they count on me to be here. So all I get is a handful of cigarette breaks. And even those get to be a hassle. I have to change clothes in case someone has allergies to the smoke and it's bad for their health and it's a bad habit in general. Your father's exact words. And I know I should give it up and I should really use this time to quit. But _fuck _do I need this right now."

Edward lit a cigarette and we enjoyed the silence for a moment. "What happened before? In the room with... the dude with the funny name."

"Nehil?" I asked, running the cigarette butt under cold water before throwing in the trash bin. "Nothing. Nothing," I sighed, sitting closer to Edward and taking in his scent, molding my body against his.

"What's going to happen?" he questioned.

"I don't know. And I really don't want to talk about it."

"Bella, I want you to promise not to do anything stupid." His hands held my face in front of his and he frowned as he could see the tears glisten in my eyes.

"I've just been testing my boundaries. Omnis has been quiet. A willing participant but seemingly harmless for right now. Maybe she's even a little scared. I don't know. But I think she wants out just as much as we do. Nehil is a big more problematic. He is quiet but is a lot different when he's away from the other two. More unpredictable. He has a lot of anger. I pushed him and…his response was a little more violent. No thought involved, he just responded. He didn't have a message. He just wanted to prove his dominance. Nemo on the other hand is smart. Obvious the leader. He never intended for it to get like this. And he's only become violent when provoked. I pushed him and he pushed back. But it wasn't bad."

"Did you forget that he almost killed you?"

"But he didn't," I reminded him.

"And he did kill Maria."

"I know. He did. But he didn't shoot her. He was with us. Someone else tried to kill her and he simply finished it."

Edward didn't release his grip on me. "Now that you've done all of that and got all the information you needed from them, promise me that you're done. You won't do anything stupid."

"We're going to have to do something stupid to get out of here," I insisted. "And I would rather it be me than someone else. I don't have kids. I'm not married yet. No one depends on me. So I have the least to lose."

"What about Jacob?"

I felt my body be wracked with guilt. "I haven't thought about him since this started." I exhaled deeply. "It sounds awful. I thought he was the love of my life. He asked me to marry him and I said yes. And I guess I never stopped to think about it. Do I really love him? Or am I just going forward like this because I think I'm supposed to? Because that's what people want from me. And it's really pathetic that it took me this long. It took being held hostage to figure it out. I found myself in dangerous predicaments and I'm not thinking about Jacob. And I should. I should be thinking about all the good things out there, waiting for me. But there's nothing."

That doesn't mean you need to put yourself out there in those kinds of situations. You don't need to get yourself killed because you figured out that you're not in love with someone."

"I'm not! I wasn't!" I insisted. "I was testing. I just want to get everyone out of here before someone else gets killed. I just needed to gather some information to help me plan."

"Now you got it. So you need to stop."

"Edward, I don't need someone to take care of me."

"Someone has to. If you're not going to take care of yourself."

"Stop twisting my words around," I insisted, trying to free myself from his grasp. "This is easy. I have the least to lose. So it should be me. I have nothing to live for."

"Why is it that you feel like you deserve to die? Bella, there is so much out there for you. Just because something isn't working out now doesn't mean anything. You don't deserve to die."

"I don't want to die." My voice was small. "But if it comes down to that…why not me?"

"Because we need you," Edward pleaded, resting his forehead against mine. "Because I need you."

I tried to pull away but he held me close. "Edward, stop."

"Why?" he asked, his lips brushing past mine. "Bella, I feel the same as you. I have been thinking about things so differently in here. It's amazing how clear your life gets when you think it's about to end."

"But you've got so much going on in your life. You're in love. And you've got potential, you're going places. I'm kind of just wasting my life just floating by."

"I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know if I'm in love or if I was just settling on the first thing I found. But I do know that when Nemo held a knife to your neck, I felt something. My life outside of here stopped existing for me and all I could think about was you. Getting to you. Saving you. I just didn't know what to do."

"Edward," I cried. "Stop. You're under a lot of stress and in situations like this people bond. And that's fine. I'm bonding, I feel close to you. Very close. But… don't forget about the life you have on the outside."

"I tried." He shook his head. "But like you said. I'm in love with the idea of being in love. I pushed it. I wanted it so bad, I pretended to have it. Now that I really think about it. I'm just with Tanya because I'm supposed to be. I got involved and everyone fell in love with her and it pushed me. And then there is Raena and how can I justify breaking a little girls heart like that? When Tanya and I got serious she asked Raena to call me daddy and how could I say no? And then things just snowballed from there. And I fell into a routine. It was nice to come home to a family even if I didn't feel like I fit in it. But is it what I really wanted?"

"And those are very good reasons. Hold on to them." I moved my head to the left, trying to keep my distance from him. "Think about it for just a minute."

"I've been thinking about since Nemo pointed that gun to your head in the office. For a second, I thought he shot you. I thought you were dead. I don't want that to happen."

"Yeah," I laughed, trying to lighten the suddenly serious mood. "Neither do I."

"Bella, just listen to me."

"No, you listen to me." But he didn't let me finish. He held my face in his hands and pressed his lips to mine. "I'm not going to do this." I pulled away. "You've known me for about a total of five hours or something. I don't even know how long we've been here. There is no way that you have feelings for me. Not even a little. It doesn't happen like that. It takes time." I held up my hand to shush him as she continued to rant. "All I know is that you feel the need for some human connection. I get that. I want that too. I want to feel something. Something other than fear. And the only thing strong enough to overpower the fear is…Love or sex or something closely related to the two. But save that. Imagine the sex that you and Tanya are going to have when you get out of here."

"This isn't about sex. This isn't about Tanya. This is about me. And this is about you." He stared into my tear filled eyes as he spoke. "What are you so afraid of?"

"Does there have to just be one thing? I'm terrified in general. I'm scared of everything right now. I watched someone die today. I'm not going to get over that. And thinking about it…"

"So stop thinking about it."

"That's like asking me not breath. You don't forget the first time you had sex. And I can say now that without a doubt you don't forget about watching someone's life end." I shook my head. "Edward, I completely understand where you are coming from. The thought that death is just around the corner makes me want to strip you naked and do ungodly things to your body, possibly your brother too. Or for that matter, to any man here that is of course of consenting age…" I stopped myself and tried to get back on track. "If I'm going to die, I want to do it with a smile on my face. But I am thinking about the bigger picture here. Sex can wait."

"This isn't about sex. It's more than that."

"So you want to start dating or what? Because this has to set some kind of record for worst date ever. I don't think hostage situations count. Plus, technically we are both still in very committed relationships. I am not an adulterer," My loud whisper was slowly getting louder and my speech quickened with each word I spoke. "And didn't you ever watch the movie Speed. Overrated, yes, I agree. But they made a very good point in that movie. Relationships that start in situations like these never work out. And guess what, they made Speed II, it was wonderfully horrific and the characters were broken up. They couldn't even make it work in the movies!"

Edward started to speak but I stopped him. I pushed him away as I stood. "We can't stay here forever. They're going to notice that we're missing and all hell will break lose so before that happens, I'm going to end it with this. Stay way from me. Just stay the hell away from me. It's not for me. It's for you. And for Tanya. And for Raena. Just stay away from me, please. I pissed them off. And I'm sure they'll be taking some stuff out on me and I don't want them to include you. Interpret that however you want. Maybe I feel a connection to you, like you do with me or something. Maybe I do have some feelings for you. But we'll get there. We'll deal with that when we get out. Okay? For now, just stay away from me." Edward stood and moved towards me. I pushed out my hands to keep him away. But I didn't fight him, he moved my arm out of the way and closed the distance between us.

"I can't do that," he whispered, again pulling me closer to him. His lips met mine and we didn't start slow. There was no time for that. We needed the comfort of the connection we felt. We needed to forget about all the things that were happening outside the door and just live in the moment. Letting everything slip away with each needy touch.

But the moment was short lived. The door opened, letting a blinding light filter in. "I thought I saw you hide in here," Nehil interrupted. "Let's go." Edward moved towards the door. "Not you." He pushed Edward back. "You can hide in the girls bathroom like the bitch you are all you want." He shrugged. "But I need you." He pointed to me and I nodded. He grabbed my arm and pulled me away, leading me away aggressively. "I told you this wasn't over."

XXXXX

I sighed, I was trying not to listen to Edward's conversation but I couldn't seem to help herself. It's not like he was being very quiet. I moved across the room and pulled out my cell phone and dialed my house. Charlie's panicked voice answered on the first ring.

"Hey, Charlie."

"Hey, Bells. I was worried when I got home and you weren't here."

I sighed. "Yeah, I went out with some friends."

"Good! Great!" he couldn't mask the excitement in his voice. "It's good to see you out again. You could use it."

"I know," I bit my lip to try to keep myself from crying. "And I know that things haven't been... that I have been..."

"Bells, it's ok. You don't have to."

"No, Dad, I do." I heard him gasp softly. "What?"

"You called me dad. You haven't done that since you were little girl."

"I know. I've been... It's been. I'm trying to say that I'm trying. It's taking me awhile but I'm getting there." I paused. Charlie remained silent, he never had a way with words and I respected and often times appreciated that. "And I wanted to tell you that I'm not coming home tonight. It's snowing pretty hard."

"I'll come get you," he offered. "Where are you?"

"No, it's fine. I don't need you to do that. I have a place to stay. And I think it's good for me to be on my own for a little while. I think I need some time and some space. I don't think I'll be coming home for a little while."

"Bells, you don't have to do that." he paused. "I know I'm not the easiest guy to live with. I'm no fun to be around and I know that. But I can try to do better for you. We can do more. And I know that things have been... I just don't know what to do. I always say and do the wrong things. Like in sixth grade when that Newton kid broke up with you. You spent days crying your eyes out and no matter what I did it just made you cry harder. I didn't know how to help you through it back then and I still don't know how to do it now. But I'm trying like hell."

"I know that," I cried even harder. "I do, believe me. It's not you. I just need some time on my own to figure some stuff out first."

"I understand. But don't forget that I'm here. If you need me. I'm here. I'm always here. I know I'm not exactly the greatest conversationalist but I will do anything for you. All you have to do is ask."

I nodded. "Yeah, I know."

"You'll tell me if I can do anything? If you need anything?"

"Promise."

"And you'll call?"

"Every day," I promised. "I'll be back soon. Can I talk to Jake?"

Charlie agreed and handed off the phone. "Where are you? You were starting to worry me."

"I'm not coming home tonight," I answered quickly.

"What?" Jacob sighed.

"I went out with…my support group you could call them. The weather is getting nasty so I'm not coming home."

"Do you want me to come and get you?"

I shook my head as if he could see my response. "No. I'll be fine. Charlie already offered but I don't need it."

"Where are you staying?"

"With a friend." I shrugged. This was the longest we had spoken in awhile without yelling at each another. But I wasn't sure it would last much longer. "Jacob, I have something to tell you." He didn't respond. I'm sure he was expecting me to start baring my soul to him. But that was far from the case. "I'm not coming home."

Jacob laughed. "You already told me that."

"No." I shook my head and frowned. "I'm not coming home for awhile. And when I do, I don't want you to be there."

"Bella."

"No." I smiled. My first real smile in ages. A huge weight was just lifted from my shoulders. "I made up my mind a long time ago." I sucked in my lower lip and made the decision not to prolong this any longer. "Goodbye, Jacob."

"Bella." I could hear his protest. But I hung up the phone anyway. And before he could try to call back, I turned my phone off.

"Good for you." Edward smiled at me.

"I needed to do it. It was coming down to a now or never point." I shrugged.

"Where are you going to stay?"

"I hadn't thought that far ahead." I shook my head. "I'll figure it out tomorrow. Right now, I need a shower."

"Need some help?" he teased, noticing the smile falling from my face.

I forced my smile back, pushing all the thoughts from my mind. "You went from being unsure if you should stay in the same room as me for the night, even in separate beds to wanting to shower with me?" I laughed uncomfortably.

"Yeah. I guess that joke is only funny with Tanya."

"Yeah." I nodded. "I didn't really…not by a long shot."

"Yeah," Edward agreed. "I'm sorry. I really should have thought that one through, huh?"

"It's okay." I bit back the tears as I forced my smile to broaden.

"Maybe I should go."

I shook my head. "No!" I protested a little too loudly. "I don't want to be alone. If that's okay? I really haven't had to be alone yet. The time in the hospital was the closest thing to being alone and there were always doctors and other patients and cops and Jacob and my dad coming in and out." I paused, looking around nervously. "I know it sounds stupid because what are the chances of anything happening but…I'm scared to be alone. Because I always thought that I was strong before but now…"

"You are strong," Edward defended.

"Not as much as I thought. I'm breakable."

"We all are."

"No," I protested. "I'm not strong physically. I knew that, but I thought I could at least put up some kind of a fight and well…I proved myself wrong there. And mentally and emotionally… I was put in a situation to test myself and…I did okay I guess. But the aftermath I can't deal with. I don't know how to deal with… everything. Maybe one day. But right now I'm one person dialing the wrong number away from completely losing it and becoming paranoid beyond belief." I looked into Edward's eyes. "So please, will you stay with me? Because if you're not here, I think I'm going to fall apart."


	6. 6: Justify Me

**Chapter 6**

**Justify Me**

I had left Edward on the bed and moved into the bathroom. I had been almost done with my shower before I completely broke down. I was making changes in my life and I was moving on. I was trying to move forward and push on to my future but was still struggling to shake off my past. And it didn't help seeing how well adjusted everyone else seemed to be. Jasper seemed happier now than he ever had been before. Alice was her usual chipper self. And though Edward said he struggled he didn't show it at all. And the others... well, they didn't even seem to care. They forgot about all the horrible things they saw. They offered no sympathy. I was surprised a support group had formed. No one seemed to need it.

I was broken. My attackers had made it their goal to break me and they did. I tried not to let them win but in the end, I wasn't strong enough. And instead of just giving in at the beginning I forced myself to bear too much. And I carried the burdens of their tortures around with me. And I never spoke of them. Not only was it too painful to think about let alone talk about. But why would I want to burden others with it? And even if I did, would they even understand it?

And on top of it all was the baby. The bastard child I was growing inside of me. I had always been able to envision myself as a mother. And I knew I would be a great mother. But I couldn't imagine it under these circumstances. I was lost and alone. And I was in no way, shape, or form to be able to raise a child. I don't even think I was capable of properly caring for myself. I was reduced to tears at the simplest things. I was terrified of everything. I had no plan or hope for a future. And on most days I could hardly drag myself off the couch long enough to pretend I had a life outside of moping and feeling sorry for myself. How could I bring a child into that?

I lowered myself into the tub and cradled my knees to my chest. My body shook violently with heavy sobs. But I managed to keep myself relatively quiet. I had already embarrassed myself in front of Edward enough today. He didn't need to be made aware of this.

I was pulled out of my bubble of self pity with a soft rap on the door. "Bella," Edward called softly. He gave a second slightly harder knock on the door. I didn't respond. I was too much of a mess to respond. I heard the door open slightly. "Bella" he called again nervously. He took two slow steps into the bathroom before clearing his throat loudly. "Bella." And I couldn't hold it in anymore. The sob I was holding in released in a loud squeak. And that one small squeak said a lot, it was full of fear and panic. Edward rushed forward and pulled the shower curtain back. "Are you ok?" he rushed the words.

I didn't look up to him. "Please go away," I pleaded, my voice small. I clutched my legs tighter to my chest as if by doing that I would be able to keep myself from falling apart.

"What's wrong?" he asked, kneeling beside me.

"Nothing," I breathed. I still refused to meet his eyes. If I did he would be able to see right through me.

"Bella, you're scaring me."

"I can't talk anymore," I sniffled. I felt his hand gently rub the small of my back. "This has nothing to do with you so please leave me alone." I waited for him to leave but he seemed to refuse. "I can't do this. I'm supposed to be strong. I'm not supposed to break down and cry like this. But that's all I seem to be capable of anymore. And I want it to stop. I don't like it." My body began to shake again. "This was a really hard day for me. I don't think you can even begin to understand just how horrible everything about today was for me. But I did it. And I made it. Barely. And now I just want it to all go away," my voice cracked. "I was so sick of keeping it all in, I thought that telling you about it would help. But I feel worse. Because now I can see the pity in your eyes when you look at me. And that pity I see it just reminds me... no matter how many times I shower. Or how long. No matter how hot I can make the water. Or if I scrub until my skin bleeds I still don't feel clean." My lower lip stuck out further in a pout. "I still feel like I'm covered in blood. I wake up from nightmares and I swear I can still see it on me. I feel like lady Mcbeth. Nothing I do will ever be able to wash me clean." I met his eyes for the first time. "I just want to be clean again."

"I'm sorry," Edward whispered softly. He looked away from me, a delicate blush coloring his cheeks as he finally became aware of my nakedness.

I let out a halfhearted chuckle. "Like that really matters. Aren't we over this. I mean we..." I paused, panic again rising. "At least I got over my fear of people seeing me naked awhile ago. Like, when everyone did see me naked."

"I'm sorry," he repeated. "And for more than just that." He looked into my eyes again. And I saw it, the pity and the guilt. "I can't help but feel-"

"Shut up," I commanded quickly and sharply. My voice was laced heavily with anger. "I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear about how guilty you feel. Because I don't give a fuck." His face fell and I saw tears brim over his eyes. I felt a sting of pain, I didn't mean to hurt him but I just couldn't handle anything more right now. "There isn't room in this shower for two weepy and pathetic people. Let me have that. I told you it was fine and it is. Now just let it be my burden to carry."

"Why?" Edward shook his head. "Like I don't still have fucking nightmares from all the shit that went down in there. You don't own a fucking monopoly on that shit. So why do you get to be the only miserable one?"

"Because you can't be! You have a fiancee. You're helping raise her daughter. You're going to have a family. You have a career. You have a life. You have all this good shit going on in your life, you don't need all these fucking feelings weighing you down. Forget about your guilt because as far as the world knows you have nothing to feel guilty about. So move forward with your life because you still have one."

"Bella, don't be like that. I don't care what the world thinks. I care about you. This isn't your mess alone. You shouldn't be miserable. And you sure as shit shouldn't want to be."

"I don't want to be," I argued. "I just don't have a choice. I have to suffer for at least nine months of misery. I don't see a way of getting around that."

He looked away, the guilt again returning to his face. "But I do feel bad. We were f-"

I held up my hand to silence him. "I said I don't give a fuck and I mean it. I told you that you don't get to feel bad. What do you have to feel bad about? Doing what you were told? You didn't have a choice. And I said it's fine. Now let's move on. I've already expressed just how horrible of a day this was for me. I don't want to make it any worse. So don't you ever tell me about how you feel bad or guilty. You didn't get anyone killed. You didn't kill anyone. You never got blood on your hands, figuratively or literally. And you got out and it's over for you. Be thankful for that. And I am so jealous of you because your adventure is over and mine is just beginning."

"But I-"

"Stop!" I shouted, my jaw clenched. "I don't want to hear you say it. Not now and not ever. We agreed. Forget about it and move on." I locked eyes with him and I saw him silently plead with me. "Is there more to your story than I know?" I asked. "Were you ever pulled aside without me knowing? Were you ever alone with any of them?"

Edward hung his head. "No, but that's not what I want to-"

"Don't go there. I already know all about it. I already lived it. And more. So you don't get to play the victim with me," I snapped.

"I'm dropping it! But I'm also trying to tell you that-"

I shook my head. "I know it sounds selfish and that's not who I usually am. But right now I need to be. Or I feel like I might die. Literally I feel like I might pull apart and die. So don't take offence but I don't fucking care. This isn't about you. And I don't want to hear about you. I want to freak out. I want to meltdown. And I want to do it behind closed doors. I don't want people to see me this way because this isn't who I should be. This isn't who I was. And this isn't who I want to be. I'm falling apart. I called off my wedding. I broke up with my fiancee. I moved out of my house and I don't even have anywhere to go. I don't even know if I have friends anymore. But I have this. I have this moment, right here, right now to be greedy. And that's just about all I can handle. I just want my epic movie moment of me in the shower trying to wash away all the atrocities that occurred over the three longest days of my life. All the sweat, tears, blood and everything else. All those things that I dealt with so no one else would have to. So don't you da-"

I was stopped short as Edward climbed into the shower, still fully clothed, and pressed his lips to mine. The kiss was quick and intense. He pulled away and looked into my eyes. I was torn. Was I mad at him? Or did I welcome his distraction? "I'm sorry," he quickly apologized. "I know it was inappropriate. Kissing you like that was not something I should have done while you were trying to prove a point about you being raped." I cringed hearing the word said out loud. "But it was the only thing I could think to do to get you to shut up. And normally I would let you rant all you wanted because you need it and you deserve it. But right now it's my turn." He ran his fingers through his hair. "You said you want to forget about it. So do it. For at least the next thirty seconds. Because for the next thirty seconds nothing about those three days counts. Just pretend it didn't happen. And I know that's hard. But just close your eyes and let it go. I don't want to be your support group. Right now I just want to be your friend. And I want to help you. You have a problem and I want to help you." He gave me a moment to calm myself. "Move in with me."

XXXXX

The hands on my back that pushed me out the door felt like they were made of fire. My hands trembled and my body shook as I took one small step out into the darkness. I wasn't aware of how long I had been locked in the room with them, it seemed just short of forever, but it did seem like it was awhile if they had already chosen to go lights out. The walls were only softly illuminated by the gentle glow of the emergency lights. I jumped and gasped as the door behind me slammed shut. I took another small step as I struggled to put my shirt back on. I bit my lip to keep from crying out in pain as I raised my hands above my head.

"If I were you, I wouldn't bother," Nehil's voice called out from somewhere to my left. "I haven't gotten to play yet. And I think you know what I want."

I ignored him and bit my lip to keep from crying out in pain as I finally got my shirt on. I looked around again and was thankful that no one seemed to take notice of me. I wiped my tears away and took a moment to take in a few deep breaths before joining Alice in the kitchen area.

"Where have you been?" she shouted at me.

"Nowhere," I sighed. "It's not like there are many places to go." I walked to the nearest crying infant and picked him up. I cooed in the child's ear as I slowly lowered myself into the rocking chair. I sat forward, not allowing my back to touch even the soft pillow of the chair.

"Do you know how impossible it is to get all these kids to sleep, by yourself?" Alice snapped.

"Maybe it wouldn't be so hard if you'd stop screaming," My voice was soft but heavily laced with anger. "I'm sorry," I quickly apologized. "But a couple of crabby infants that don't want to sleep in a strange place with people with guns is the least of my problems right now."

"Bella," Edward breathed, entering the room. "I'm sorry. I wanted to be here when they let you go. I just wanted to check on Raena. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I lied.

"What happened?"

"Nothing." I shook her head. I bit my lower lip to keep the tears back. I cradled the 13-month-old child close to my chest, trying to draw some comfort from him. It wasn't much but his small arms wrapping as far around me as they could was a start. I looked away from Edward so I wouldn't have to see the disbelieving look in his eyes.

Edward knelt beside me. "Do you want to talk about it?" he whispered so softly that Alice wouldn't have been able to hear I didn't speak, fearing that my voice would fail me, I just shook my head. Edward nodded and stood. "Alice, why don't you take a break? I'll help Bella in here. I think it's time we started to get sleep. We're going to need it. You take some mattresses and make a bed. Take half the staff with you and the rest of us will take the first awake shift."

"No, I'll do it," I spoke. "You should sleep too," I told Edward. "I'm perfectly capable of handling this room by myself. And I'm not even close to being ready for sleep."

"I'll stay with you," Edward insisted.

"Okay," Alice agreed. "I'll let everyone else know."

"Are you ready to talk?" Edward prodded as soon as Alice closed the door behind her.

"No." I shook her head. "There isn't anything to talk about." I slowly rocked back and forth, soothing the child to sleep. "I just want to sit."

"Well, if you won't talk about what just happened, how about us?"

I drew my brow in confusion. "What about us?"

"Back in the bathroom," he reminded me.

"That was nothing." I shook my head. "It was a moment. We got caught up in it. It happens. It didn't mean anything. We're just two people trying to figure this whole mess out. And we just wanted to forget about it for that one small moment. Kissing was a good distraction. But it doesn't mean anything."

"That's all it was to you?"

I gave a little laugh. "Of course. What else would it be? It was a kiss. People do stupid things like that all the time when they're under this kind of pressure. You don't stop to think about the consequences. You just do whatever is on your mind. It didn't mean anything. So I'm willing to just forget all about it. It never happened. We can both resume our normal lives." She shrugged.

"I'm not," Edward declared as he sat across from me. "Things happen for a reason. And I'm not just going to forget about it."

"Really?" I snapped. "So there is a reason that you happened to walk into the infant room at that time so you could get caught up in this mess. This is the plan for you? So suffer like this. You should have been at home in your office doing whatever it is you do. But instead you came here and now your life sucks and it just might be over soon. Like Maria. She came into work today like she does almost every day and now she's dead. Is there a good reason for that?"

Edward shrugged. "I don't know the plans."

"How can you be so… I understand that things happen. But these are innocent children. Some of which, I'm sure aren't going to get over this. It's inevitable that someone else is going to get hurt, possibly killed in front of them. There is no recovering from that."

"I didn't say it was fair."

"Fuck no! It isn't fair. Not to them. Not to us. Not to Maria or her son. Or the people waiting for us outside."

"Did he hurt you?" Edward changed the subject.

I inhaled sharply and gnawed on my lower lip. "No," I managed to squeak out quietly. And it wasn't exactly a lie. I had been hurt, but it wasn't by a him.

"Bella, please. You don't have to do this alone." He made his way over to me. "It will be easier if we stick together." He placed his hand on my shoulder and I winced in pain as I drew in a sharp breath. "What is it? What did I do?" his voice rose in panic.

"Nothing," I shook him off. "It's fine. My back is just a little sore. Forget about it." But he couldn't. And his eyes grew wide with fright as he finally looked down at my shirt.

"Bella, your shirt. There's blood. You're bleeding," he stuttered.

"It's not bad. It's just a little." I tried to make excuses. He took the now sleeping child from my arms and placed him in a crib. He then moved around behind me and gently pushed me forward. "What happened?"

I shook my head. "I said it's fine." He gently lifted the back of my shirt up and again I heard him gasp. "Jesus! Fuck! What did he do? Did he whip you?"

"You're not far off." I shrugged. "But it wasn't... It was Omnis. I seem to have underestimated her. She can be quite vicious when she wants to be," I informed him softly. "She said I needed to be punished. So she took off her belt and... The buckle was rather large. That's probably what broke the skin."

"Was it because of me?"

I laughed, pushing the tears away. "Why would she hurt me because of you?" I scoffed. "I'm fine. That didn't last too long. She struck me maybe 10 times on my back. It's just a little sore but it's already beginning to fade a little. But it's still the least of our worries. We still have a lot to do before this is over."

"What do you need me to do." He offered without a second thought.

XXXXX

"What?" I whispered, slipping from my trance.

"You need a place to stay," Edward reminded me. "I have some extra space. Why not?"

"Do you really think that's a good idea?" I questioned, pausing for a moment. "You're not just inviting me to live with you but you have a fiancee and her daughter with you. And this is something that you should probably discuss with her."

Edward shook his head. "Tanya will understand. You saved Raena's life. And we are forever indebted to you. It's the least we can do."

"That really isn't necessary. I have a little money saved. It's enough to get me started. I'll have to go back to work. But I can make it work."

Edward grabbed my hand. "I'm not taking no for an answer," he said, finishing the argument. "Now lets get out of this shower. It's fucking freezing." He shouted jumping up and helping me out. He grabbed a plush white towel and wrapped it around my naked form. "Just stay with me. I would feel better."

"But-"

"Please," he nearly begged. "It's not just you. You're pregnant and though I don't know exactly what its like, I have a good idea. And I know that it's not a good time to be alone and in transition. And it really isn't a good time for you to be settling on the first place you find. I know you haven't made up your mind on if you're keeping the baby or not but it's a possibility and that would change everything in what you would need in a place. So stay with me until you figure it out. Please. It would be my pleasure. Our pleasure."

"Don't you think you're rushing this."

"All I'm doing is helping a friend."

"I don't have much to offer you. Small rent payments maybe. I clean. And I cook. And I could watch Raena for you guys. If that is okay with Tanya. I don't want to do anything if she isn't on board."

Edward laughed. "I don't need anything from you. I just need to help you."

"I think I'm well past that." I frowned.


	7. 7: Tidal Wave

**Author's Note: **Sorry this chapter took a while to get out but I really struggled with the content of this one. And I know some of you are frustrated by all the secrecy going on but I promise you that there are answers coming in the near futre if things go the way I think they are. So stick with me. I promise I won't leave you in the dark forever. And I know that some of you are confused about the relationships (specifically Edward and Bella... especially after this chapter) but there is a lot to the story and like I said we will get there (and I would also love to hear what you think is going on because I find a lot of you are much more perceptive than I sometimes think). This story is just as much about the present as it is the past and all your questions will be answered. And thank you for all your reviews, they really make me smile and help me to find some inspiration to write!

**Chapter 7**

**Tidal Wave**

It should have felt more awkward than it did. I was wrapped loosely in the towel Edward had placed around me, his arms resting softly on my shoulders. He was standing in a large pool of water as his soaking clothes dripped. And our eyes were locked onto one another's. In his bright green orbs I could see the pain that had been hiding before. "God, Bella," he cried taking a step forward and closing the distance between us. I could feel the cold moisture of his clothes against the areas where my flesh was still exposed. "It kills me to see you like this. It absolutely kills me to see you this sad and not be able to help you," he breathed. He was so close to me, the beads of water dripped from the ends of his hair and fell onto my nose.

"You can help me. You can stay the night." I bit my lip and looked away from him. I felt guilty playing on his emotions to get what I want. But I've already told him that tonight I am being selfish. "Please. I don't want to be alone."

"Anything," he agreed.

"Then you take this," I said shuffling out of the towel and handing it to him. "I at least have dry clothes to wear." I know I should have been bashful about my nakedness around him. I used to be so shy around people. I blushed at the mere thought of being nude. But now... none of that seemed to matter anymore. Edward turned his back to me and allowed me to redress in private. When I was dressed again I walked up behind him and wrapped my arms around him from behind. "You need to get out of these wet clothes," I demanded, pulling the hem of his shirt up. He turned back towards me and helped me to remove his shirt. "And your pants," I requested. You can't go to bed in soaking wet pants."

"Bella," he began to protest. "I don't think..." he trailed off, unable to make up his mind. So I made it up for him. My hand trembled as it fell the buckle of his pants.

"You walked in on me while I was in the shower. You watched me and you joined me and you kissed me all while I was naked. But you're a little bashful about being seen in your underwear?" I mocked him. "You can stay in your boxers, it shouldn't be too uncomfortable. They'll dry fast. We'll hang your clothes in the shower and hope they dry by morning." He let his pants fall to the ground and he stepped out of them. He quickly wrapped the towel around his waist and we finally moved out of the bathroom.

"I'll sleep on the couch," Edward insisted as he grabbed a pillow and a blanket.

"No," I said shaking my head. "Stay in the bed. With me," I requested as I crawled under the covers.

"Bella," he sighed. It sounded like a protest but he dropped the towel and got under the blankets with me. He faced me and we locked eyes once more.

"I told you I don't want to be alone. I'm so tired of being alone. I know it's my own doing but... no one gets it. No one gets me like you do. You were there. You get it. You understand." A tear slipped from my eye as he wrapped one arm around me.

Edward quickly wiped it away for me. "What are we doing?"

"I don't know," I cried even harder as I inched even closer to him. "And I don't care either." I buried my face in the crook of his neck. He reached in between us his fingers gently cupping under my chin softly lifting and making my eyes meet his again. And suddenly his lips were on mine. He moved slowly, starting out soft and tentative but it quickly gained intensity as his tongue plunged into my mouth. I moved my lips against his and for the first time since everything started, I was still. My mind didn't race. The tears calmed. And for just that one second everything was quiet and still. I was completely at ease. I found peace inside his arms. And with that peace came something else. Something unexpected. I was consumed with something that I thought I'd never experience again. Desire. I wasn't planning it but it felt right.

It was fast but not rushed. It was kind of perfect. There wasn't time for thinking or analyzing. We just did what we wanted. My hands tangled in his wet hair. His lips teased my neck. His hands traveled under my shirt and up my ribcage. Our legs tangled and I could feel the cold wetness of his shorts on my thighs. He lifted my shirt above my head and tossed it across the room and he immediately went to work on my bra. And as soon as he removed my bra his hands cupped my breasts. I brought my body even closer to his, wanting to feel every inch of his body against mine. I wriggled out of my jeans but managed to keep my hungry lips to his. I reached one hand between us and pulled down on the elastic hem of his boxers.

And suddenly Edward pulled away. "Bella, I can't," he said breathlessly. "We shouldn't."

I looked into his eyes, feeling the tears again begin to pool. "So now it matters?" I question, my voice holding an angry edge. "Now you care that you have a girlfriend-a fiancee."

"No," he argued. "Yes. Of course it matters. But that's not why."

"So you're just an asshole then?" I spat. "You're willing to cheat on Tanya but not with damaged goods like me?"

He furrowed his brow as he shouted out his frustrations. "Bella, what are you talking about?"

"What are you talking about?" I snapped. "What are you so afraid of? Why can't you? What's stopping you?" I babbled.

"I'm sorry but I just can't. It wouldn't be right."

"You're confusing me. Inside you were different. You wanted different things. You wanted me and you said Tanya didn't matter. Now I'm throwing myself at you and you say she does matter. But that's not the reason why you won't go through with this? And the only thing I can think of is that you don't want me after..." I paused. I couldn't say it. I was still struggling with it.

But Edward saved me. "That's not it at all. You're just so...sad. I don't know. I don't want you to do this like this. You're rushing. I'm rushing. That's not what this should be. It's not fair to either of us. And Tanya. I don't know," he rambled. "I don't know what I'm really doing anymore. I don't want to take advantage of you. I don't want to hurt you. I'm hate seeing you like this but I am not going to keep hurting you. I know you don't see it that way right now but tomorrow morning you may see it differently."

I ignored his arguments and continued with mine. "You don't want to be the first to be with me after..." I trailed off again unable to finish my sentence. "But I don't want him to be the last man to touch me."

He pulled me in for a hug and kissed the top of my head. "It's been a long day, baby," he ended the argument with a change of subject. "Let's get some sleep."

I bit my lower lip in concession. We would end the war with a peaceful stalemate. At least for the moment. Because neither one of us was wrong. But that didn't make either one of us right. I rolled over on to my other side and faced away from him. "Will you at least hold me?" I asked softly.

He didn't respond with words but I felt his arms wrap around me tightly. He kissed my neck and back before I heard a soft telltale snore. And soon after I felt myself fall into sleep as well.

XXXXX

The night progressed slowly. The babies slumbered in their beds. The young children slept peacefully on their cots. The older children slept on the gym mats, along with the few parents that were trapped. The staff used the extra crib mattresses.

Emmett was the only one left awake in the gym, keeping watch on everything else. He had refused to sleep and allowed everyone else to try to get some rest. Try, being the key word. He would go to the comfort and aide of a child that would wake screaming. Making sure that everyone stayed where they were supposed to be. He paced around, brain reeling, trying to find a way out of it.

I sat in the kitchen area, a slumbering infant cradled to my chest. It was all I could do to keep myself from falling apart. To be that close to something so small and so helpless helped to give me some courage. He was something that needed me to remain strong to protect him. Edward sat across from me, stealing quick filled with sadness in my direction. I couldn't help but feel as if he were watching me, babysitting me. Waiting to come to my rescue when my walls all would come crumbling down. But I tried not to notice. If I were to give him the attention he wanted then he would only push for more. But the more I tried to not notice him, the more he seemed to notice me. So I gave in and spoke to him, but it was going to be on my terms. "What's the first thing you're going to do when you get out of here?"

"I don't know," he sighed. "I haven't really thought about that part yet."

"I can't decide," I spoke softly. "I have a whole list but I'm still working out the order. Have a smoke. Have a drink, or ten. Take a shower. I think that is number one. I'm covered in..." I trailed off. We both knew about the blood I was covered in, both mine and Maria's and didn't really need the reminder. So I continued with my list. "Eat everything I have in my house. And mostly just bawl my eyes out."

"Bella," he cried making his way towards me.

"Stop it!" I shouted in a hushed tone. "I don't need you to do this for me. I'm a grown woman. I'm fine. Stop worrying about me and start worrying about you. You have people counting on you and... I told you stay out of the way and stay away from me."

"I can't. I'm not going to go and do something stupid. But I'm not going to abandon you."

"Sticking with me is stupid," I reminded him. "They have it out for me. I pissed them off and… I don't want them to take anything out on you. They can do whatever they want to me." I shrugged. "But you…and everyone else. It's not fair. And I'm not going to let it happen to any of you."

"Stay out of the spotlight. Leave them alone and they'll leave you alone."

"I can't. I started this whole mess and I've got to get us out. I can't sit back and wait for help. Help isn't coming. They can't come. They won't risk the lives of the kids."

"Bella, it's late. It's been a long hard day for you. Maybe you should lie down. I think it will make you feel better. I think I can handle it in here until Alice's shift would start."

I shook my head. "No. I'm fine," I argued. "I don't want to sleep. I'm..." I trailed off. I didn't want to admit how scared I was.

"I'm sorry." Edward breathed.

"You have nothing to be sorry about."

"You're hurt."

"That had nothing to do with you." I smirked. "That was me and my big mouth again."

"I should have stopped them. I will from now on. I won't let them hurt you anymore."

I bit down on my lip and looked away from Edward. Tears clouded my vision. "Don't," I whispered. "There was nothing that you could have done. And if you tried… I don't know what he would do to you. So I'm glad you didn't. Let me do what I have to do and you stay out of it," I pleaded again. "I can take whatever happens. Just let it go."

Edward leaned closer to me. "How much more are you going to take?"

"I'm fine. I'll be fine. And I can take it," I insisted. "They can only hurt me if I let them. And I'm not going to let them." A long pause pushed us away and I spoke just to stop it. "Jacob sent me a message. Telling me that he loves me and he's praying for me. And all this bullshit that just doesn't sound right. That's not Jacob. He doesn't do that. He doesn't pray or anything." I sighed. "We're just going through the motions. He's saying that because he's supposed to. That's what the lover of someone in my situation is supposed to say, so he does. He doesn't mean it." I shook my head. "It's funny." I smiled and wiped a stray tear from my cheek. "You think that this is supposed to make us closer. Make me miss the simple things. Finally find all his quirks endearing. Value and appreciate the love we share. You know that whole thing, you love something you let it go. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. All that shit. But that's all it is, is shit. Everything that I thought mattered before, doesn't."

"Is that your way of saying you give up?"

I shook her head delicately. "No. It's my way of saying that I feel lost now. My whole life is a ship out at sea and I fell overboard. I'm stuck in the middle of the ocean with nothing to hold on to."

Edward shrugged. "You've got me."

"Stop," I interjected rather loudly. "Stop trying to save me. Or whatever it is you are doing. I told you-"

"And I don't care what you told me," Edward shouted at me in a hushed tone. "You don't get to make my decisions for me. This isn't some kind of hero complex, this is about doing the right thing. You aren't the only one who gets to do that. You can't be the only one to make sacrifices." He watched me open my mouth to protest. "And don't you dare interrupt me to argue because I'm not going to listen to anything you have to say. I'm not going to let you get hurt anymore."

"I don't think you're going to have a choice on that one." We both jumped at the sound of Nemo's voice. He smiled at us for only a brief second. "Come with me." He pointed to me.

I shook my head defiantly. "I've got to watch the babies."

Nemo shrugged. "They're all sleeping. Let Mr. Super Hero do it."

"No," Edward interrupted. "Let Bella stay and watch them. I'll help you."

"I don't think so." Nemo marched forward and grabbed my arm, pulling me along with him. Edward jumped up and ran in front of Nemo.

"Edward, you should sit down and listen." I looked deeply into his eyes.

"I think you should listen to the lady," Nemo agreed.

Edward held his ground. "Not this time."

Nemo locked eyes with Edward and neither one of them conceded any ground. "Then I guess we're going to have a little detour." Nemo smiled, grabbing Edward and dragging us both with him.

XXXXX

It was the first night in over a month where I slept soundly. I wasn't restless or fidgety. And I wasn't plagued by nightmares. I opened my eyes to find Edward already out of bed. And from what I could tell he was in the bathroom cursing about something. I got out of the bed and I found myself in no more than a pair of panties. I was reminded of last nights events. Edward had rejected me. He didn't want to take advantage of my vulnerable state, or so he claimed. He argued that I would feel differently in the morning. And I didn't. The only thing I regretted is the fact that it didn't go farther. If only I could get him to understand my reasons.

I dressed quietly and walked towards the bathroom. The door was open and I leaned against the wall spying on Edward. He had his back to me, still dressed in only his underwear. He was grabbing at his clothes hung over the shower rod cursing madly. And I couldn't help but laugh. He jumped up startled by the sound. "It's not fucking funny," he snapped at me angrily. "My fucking clothes are still fucking wet. So what the fuck am I supposed to fucking wear?"

"It's a little funny," I sighed. "And it's your own damn fault. I didn't ask you to climb into the shower with your clothes still on."

"Fuck!" he cursed loudly. "I know it's my own damn fault. A lot of things are my own damn fault but I don't how to keep..." he sat down on the side of the tub. "My life is is ruins and I don't know what to do about it."

"Join the club." I shrugged. "Does your offer still stand?" I changed the subject. He furrowed his brow in confusion. "Can I still... It would only be temporary," I stammered. "Would it be too weird now? I don't have to. I have other places I can go. Maybe stay with my mom for awhile. Or I don't know. I'll figure it out. Never mind." I turned around to leave him.

He quickly jumped up and grabbed my arm to stop me. "No. I didn't mean it like that. Of course you can stay with me-us-Tanya and I. I would be mad if you backed out on me now," he said with a smirk. "It'll be good. We'll help each other." His hand traveled down my arm and grabbed my hand. "We'll figure this out together."

My heart raced and I felt the sting of tears again. "Stop," I cried. "Just stop." I pulled my hand away from his. "Stop stringing me along. I can't do this on and off thing with you. It's killing me. I just want... You can't have it both ways, Edward."

"I know," he said hanging his head. "I'm sorry," he apologized. "Just forget about it. And let's get out of here," he suggested, stepping into his pants. "I'll take you to your place so you can pack what you need then we can go home."

"Edward," I sighed. "I don't think... Maybe you should just take me to get my car. I think that maybe moving in with you might be a bad idea. I mean look at how these past twelve hours went. It wasn't exactly ideal."

"Bella, it's fine. You need this. We need this. Like I said, we need to figure this stuff out and..." I wanted to argue but his angry glare stopped me before the words even came.

I sighed heavily. "Just drop me at my car. I can manage getting my things myself," I conceded. "You should go home and spend some time with Tanya."

"Bella, please stop fighting with me."

"I'm not fighting. But you've made your choice. So now go be with your family."

I heard a low groan escape from him. "Bella," he growled closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. "Why can't we just be? Can't we just be simple? Why does everything have to be so complicated for us? Do we have to define everything? Can't I just want to help you with no strings attached?" His eyes met mine and silently pleaded.

"Nothing about this- about us is simple. That got thrown out the door a long time ago. We both did things that... we can't forget. It's changed us. And I really don't think we can go back so lets stop trying. You go and do your thing and I'll do mine." My lips turned down to a frown. I bit my lip to try to keep the tears from coming. It was becoming all I did. I looked away from him to hide my sadness.

There was a long pause between us. "I think my time would be better spent with you. I have to... I want to help you." He delicately put his fingers to my chin and forced me to look at him as a single tear fell from my eye. The pad of his thumb gently brushed it away. "What is wrong with me? I promised that I would never let anyone hurt you again but here we stand... you're hurting and it's my doing."

"I'm fine," I said pulling away from him. "Let's just go and get this over with. I don't want to drag this out anymore. We both have other shit we have to do." And it was over. He dressed in his wet clothes and we were out the door. The drive to Charlie's house was silent. We weren't ready to discuss the things we needed to discuss. We were both very good procrastinators. "You just stay here. I'll only be a minute. I don't have much that I want to get," I told him as I walked away quickly.

I used my key to unlock the door and walked inside. I jumped and dropped my keys in fright when I found Jacob lying on the couch. "Oh," I breathed. "I... You... You shouldn't be here," I finally managed to speak.

"I know," he sighed taking a long drink from the beer can in his hand.

"That's very brave of you," I spoke softly ignoring the bigger picture at hand. "My father is the Chief of police and you're drinking his beer, in his house, while you're underage."

"I'll be 21 in less than a month. And I think I've earned this," he said, raising his can to me.

I ignored him. "And what are you still doing here? I thought I made myself pretty clear that you weren't welcome anymore."

He looked away from me and took another long drink of his beer. "I was hoping that you changed your mind. You do that a lot now. You're becoming slightly bipolar. And I guess I can't really blame you."

"I didn't. I won't. Change my mind that is. It's time for you to move on and move out. There is nothing left for you here, Jacob." I walked past him but paused when I got to the staircase. I was expecting him to be angry but instead he was so sad and defeated. It seemed to be going around. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to be like this but..." I stopped. There really wasn't a good way to end the sentence so I just stopped.

"Bella, I don't know what happened to you and I get that it's hard for you to share. But damnit, Bella. We were engaged didn't you think I deserved to know?"

It didn't take long after that for me to stop feeling sorry for him and start being angry. "No, you don't deserve to know shit. Did you really think that me telling you what happened would help us? I tried to keep it bottled up inside of me because I knew you wouldn't get it. You wouldn't understand. You wouldn't be able to see me for me anymore. All you'd see is all the bad things that happened. All the things that I did and that happened to me. Those things don't define me. Or at least they shouldn't so I wanted to leave them behind. But you don't get that. You don't care about me and what I want or what I need. But you're too selfish to see that. You have your own selfish reasons for wanting to know and I don't get it. What good does it do? I just can't do it anymore." We stared into each other's eyes until the anger began to dissipate. "It doesn't matter anyway. We're done. This is over. Get over it."

"Get over it? You broke up with me for no reason at all," he argued.

"I have reasons. I have a lot of fucking reasons and I don't have to justify them to you. It's over. We're over."

"Bella, please," he pleaded. "I love you. And I'm here for you. I just want to be a part of your life. Every part of your life."

"I'm pregnant," I blurted out, interrupting him. I regretted it the instant I saw the look on Jacob's face. I immediately corrected myself. "Don't worry. It's not yours. It's just one of those things that you wouldn't understand. Are you starting to get it now?"

Edward choose that moment to walk in through the front door unannounced. "You've taken more than a minute so I figured I might as well help. In your condition you shouldn't be doing any lifting anyway..." he stopped when he entered the room and found me and Jacob.

"Yeah," Jacob sighed. "I'm starting to get it." He clenched his jaw in anger as he stared between Edward and I. "Fucking forget it!" he exclaimed standing from the sofa. "I guess I'll be on my way. You know, you could have just told me you were fucking someone else now and it would have made this mess a whole lot easier," he spat as he stormed past me.

"Jake," I called out after him. "Wait, its not what you..." but I didn't finish. It didn't really matter what he thought. So I just watched him walk out the door in anger.

"Are you okay?" Edward asked me softly as he came to my side.

I nodded. "Yeah, thanks." I began to walk up the stairs to my bedroom. "Like I said I don't have much so this shouldn't take long." I gathered some clothes and a few toiletries and paused in the middle of the room. "Will I need blankets and such?"

"No," Edward shook his head. "Unless you want them. And if you don't like what I have we can always buy you whatever you need or want."

"I don't need you to buy me things," I argued. "You're doing enough. Too much actually."

"It's the least I can do," he said closing the distance between us in just a few short strides. "I have a lot I have to make up for." He placed his hands on my cheeks and stared into his eyes. I could see his green eyes glisten with tears. "Bella," he breathed bringing his face close to mine. Our cheeks brushed softly against one anothers. He turned just slightly and brought his lips to my cheek.

I whimpered softly. "I asked you to stop that." I pulled away from him. My brow knitted together and I bit my lip to try to keep myself from crying. "Let's just go. I have stuff I want to do. And you need some practice on how to be appropriate around me. Because I don't think that Tanya would appreciate all the touching and kissing and especially the nakedness. In fact, she may even want to kill me. Or you. Probably both of us." He nodded somberly. "I won't be long. Just a few nights until I can sort my shit out. I'll get back to work and get my own place and I'll be out of your hair. And your life can go back to normal. You can forget all about me." I turned my back to him and grabbed my bags from the floor.

"I don't want to forget all about you, Bella. I lo-" he was interrupted by his ringing phone. He closed his eyes and groaned softly as he took it from his pocket. He sighed when he read the Caller ID. "It's Tanya. She's probably worried." He ignored the call and walked to me. "Let me take those," he demanded, grabbing the bags from my hands and walking out the door.


	8. 8: All This Darkness Will Surround You

**Chapter 8**

**All This Darkness Will Surround You**

I cringed when I saw Tanya's car in the driveway. Not only did I spend the night with her husband, and tried to sleep with him, but he had also invited me to move in with them. I was certain that she was going to claw my eyes out or at the very least hurl some colorful obscenities in my direction but instead she had been more than welcoming. She wrapped me up in a hug and squealed in delight. "This is going to be so much fun! I grew up with two sisters and I miss having another girl around. Let me show you your room."

She released me and grabbed my hand but suddenly my eyes widened as I felt a wave of nausea hit me. "Bathroom," I demanded pulling my hand away from hers.

"Oh," Tanya gasped taking in my suddenly pallid and sickly face. "That way," she shouted pointing to my left. "Around the corner, second door on the right."

I covered my mouth and ran. What a way to make an entrance. But at least I made it there before my stomach retched repeatedly. And minutes later the moment passed and I again returned to feeling normal. When I was through my ribs ached and my throat burned. I splashed some water on my face in an effort to clean myself up a bit and was extremely thankful when I found a bottle of mouthwash on the counter. Being pregnant sucked. But at least it was proving to be slightly predictable. I think you could set a clock to my vomiting schedule. I would be good until about 6 tonight, unless I happened to smell something revolting by then. Which is entirely possible since I found almost everything revolting these days. I gave myself a few more minutes to make sure that the sickness had passed and I walked back out the door and found Edward waiting for me. "Sorry," I apologized.

"It's fine," he sighed. "Tanya had an appointment so I'll show you to your room." He led me back to the foyer and up the staircase. He pointed out a second bathroom at the top of the staircase. We took the hall down the right and he lead me into a bedroom. "My bedroom is right next door so if you need anything."

"I'll be fine. And thank you," I said again as soon as Edward unloaded the last bag of my belongings into the guest room. He had insisted on carrying everything himself. Apparently my bastard child rendered me useless. "And I want you to know that I promise as soon as I get some things together I will go back to work and get a place of my own and get out of your hair."

"No rush," Edward said as he offered me a small smile. "It's the least I can do."

"Please, let me know if there is ever anything I can do for you."

"You already are." Edward nodded.

"And Tanya too. She has been far too nice to me. Much more so than I deserve."

"She likes you," Edward said. "She's excited to have another woman in the house. And a pregnant one at that. She's already offering to remodel so you can have a nursery in here."

"Oh," I sighed, not knowing what to say to that. I was already conflicted enough about everything going on. The baby. Moving in. Being so close to Edward all the time.

Edward noticed the pain registering on my face. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean- I'll tell her to cool it with the whole baby thing. She's just... she's a lot like Alice. She's easily excitable and has a lot of energy and personality and... well, you'll see." He laughed lightly.

"You both understand that I don't plan on staying forever. A week or two at the absolute most," I reminded him. "I just need time. A little time. And I just… I don't plan on staying that long. You guys need your space and you certainly don't need to remodel your house for me. I appreciate it. I really do. But you guys are getting married and with Raena... you really don't need me hanging around. I'm just in transition."

"Yeah." Edward nodded. "Stay as long as you need. Don't rush this. You need some time. You're going through a lot." His hand rested on my arm and sent a chill up my spine. "I'm really proud of you. You're doing well. Trying to move forward and all."

Rather than cry I laughed. "Are you kidding? I'm an absolute disaster. I cry all the time. I feel like shit. I can't make up my mind as to what I'm doing. I'm scared shitless of my future and I know a lot of that can be attributed to this whole pregnancy disaster. But that's not why sole issue. I've go so many issues now I'm still trying to figure them all out. Life used to be simple. Wake up and get your shit done. Now waking up is a chore and getting shit done? I can barely function let alone get shit done." I stopped myself quickly. I didn't need to burden him with my problems anymore.

"I'm here for you if you need to talk. Whenever. Okay?"

"Yeah," I lied. He was the last person that I wanted to discuss my feelings with. I was trapped. I was bursting with emotion and had no where to release them. I didn't want to burden people with my problems. A few knew where my issues steamed from and the rest I didn't want to explain. People felt sorry enough for me even when they only knew half of my troubles.

"Promise?" he asked me softly. I sucked in my bottom lip and nodded. "Do you want a tour of the place?"

"No," I declined his offer. "Not now at least. Maybe later. It's been a rough few days for me and it's finally catching up with me. I think I'm going to settle in and maybe take a nap."

"Yeah, sure," Edward said with a smile. "Tanya said her first trimester all she did was eat, sleep and vomit. Since Tanya found out about your pregnancy she's spent every waking moment reminiscing about her pregnancy with Raena. And asking me to pass along some words of advice. I told her it would be much better coming from another woman. She'll probably ambush you when she comes home just so you're prepared."

That's just great. "Thanks for the warning." I sighed and collapsed on the bed.

"If you need anything, I'll be downstairs in my office. I have some work I have to finish up by tonight." And with that he left me alone.

I closed my eyes and tried to relax. Over the past few days I've been on overdrive and I need a break. I pulled my iPod out of my purse and played my classical music playlist, allowing it to help me unwind and lure me into sleep. But of course as soon as I was just about to fall asleep my phone rang. I ignored it and allowed it to go to voicemail. I should have ignored it but I figured it was Charlie checking up on me and if I ignored him long enough he would freak out so I dialed my voicemail and listened. I was unpleasantly surprised to hear Carlisle's voice instead. Any amount of relaxing I had done was completely reversed and then some as I quickly dialed the number he left for me.

XXXXX

"It seems that we have a problem." Nemo announced, dragging Edward and I over to the corner where his accomplices stood. "Seems like we have two trouble makers now," he said as he shoved me forward making me fall to my knees. "What do you think we should do with them?"

"Don't you think she's been punished enough?" Omnis smirked, stooping down to my level to blow me a kiss.

"Get away from her," Edward demanded.

"Now he speaks." Nehil laughed. "Now that you're going to have to watch me have my fun with your girl." He smirked as he gave Edward a quick jab in the ribs.

I bit my lip and stood slowly. I took a few careful steps and walked behind them into the storage closet and opened the door, setting one foot inside, letting their bodies block me. I raised my shirt above my head, throwing it across the room and unbuttoned my jeans. "Let's get this over with," I said quietly in a detached tone. I had lost all emotion from my voice as I shimmied out of my pants. "As long as none of the kids see this, I don't care." Nehil approached me and I struggled to keep my body from trembling in fright as his rough callused fingers rested on my bare shoulder, pushing my right bra strap down my arm.

"Bella-" Edward started to interject but was again punched in the gut but this time by Nemo.

"No, not like this," Nemo spoke softly as she shook his head. "That isn't going to teach him a lesson. That will just make Mr. Super Hero mad. I don't want him mad. I want him to be defeated." He smiled.

"If we're not going to do this, can I put my clothes back on?" I spoke, my voice still lacking emotion.

"No," Nemo's voice was just as emotionless as mine. Nemo tightened his grip on Edward as he walked him forward. He stopped when Edward was right in front of me. "You both deserve this." He smirked. "You," he looked to Edward. "Will learn something from this. You," He turned to me. "Probably not so much. But it's worth a try." He paused for a moment as he released Edward with a small push. "Hit her," he demanded casually.

"What?" Edward's head whipped around and stared at Nemo, hoping that he had heard him wrong.

"Hit her. Hard," he expanded. But Edward didn't so much as flinch. "If you don't do it, they will. And they probably won't be very nice about it."

"It's okay," I offered Edward some reassurance. "It's really okay. It doesn't matter. Just do it so we can get this over with. I have to get back to the babies."

Nemo nudged Edward forward just a little closer to me. He put his mouth up to Edward's ear to whisper. "And I bet Nehil won't stop after he hits her either. She's already offered up her body. I don't think he'll turn that down again."

I slowly nodded my head at Edward. There was no getting around it. When someone has a gun to you, you're kind of at their mercy. Edward clenched his jaw, sighing heavily as raised his right arm. I closed her eyes and braced myself for the impact. But when Edward's hand finally connected with the tender flesh of my cheek, it was only a light slap that barely even stung. "What the fuck was that?" Nehil laughed. Even Omnis laughed from her post in the hallway.

"Again. Harder," Nemo demanded, settling into a chair.

"That's enough," Edward insisted.

"No. Again. Harder. And don't disappoint me. Remember, if you can't do it they will," he reminded Edward.

"It's fine," I responded, my voice harsh as I spoke to Edward. "Do you need some motivation?" I offered. "I can be a bitch if that would make you feel better." Edward cringed and shook his head. "Then just do it." Again Edward raised his hand and slapped me, but this time there was a stinging force to it that turned my head and brought a tear to my eye.

"Better." Nemo clapped as his smile broadened. "But not good enough. One more try."

Edward's nostrils flared in anger as he readied himself. He clenched his fist tightly and swung away, his fist connecting with such force it knocked me down to my knees. "Shit!" he cursed. "I'm sorry." He bent down to help me, but Nemo pulled up on his shirt collar. I stood on my own and stared blankly forward.

"Very good," he applauded Edward. "I didn't think you had it in you."

Edward twisted to glare at Nemo. "Are we done here?"

"You are." He tossed him towards the door. "But you," he turned to me, watching me cover and tenderly massage my pained face. "We've got other matters to attend to." Omnis escorted a defeated Edward out the door and slammed it behind them. "I don't care how long it takes." Nemo whispered into my ear. "But I'm going to break you."

I emerged from the storage closet just over an hour later. My hands trembled as I fumbled to redress herself. "Bella?" I jumped as a shadowy figure walked past the hall and turned to me.

"Jasper," I sighed, taking in the welcoming sight of a friend while breathing a sigh of relief and blushing furiously with shame.

"What's going on?" he asked softly, almost running to my side. I shook my head to stop him. "What happened?" He shouted as quietly as possible. His eyes grew wide as he took in the sight of me. He looked absolutely terrified. It took him longer than I thought it would for him to notice my lack of clothing. I guess my face looked worse than I thought. He turned his head away and allowed me to dress in moderate privacy.

"Nothing," I sighed. I saw his mouth open again, ready to press me for more information. "Please. Not right now. I won't be able to keep it together." I threw myself at him and he wrapped his arms around me in an awkward hug. He was my best friends boyfriend but beyond that I didn't really know him much. A few casual conversations as he came in to visit or do some odd jobs for the Cullen's. But something about the situation we were in allowed us to get past all that and become a lot closer. "Thank you," I said softly as I pulled away from him.

"Bella, can I... Is there something I can do?"

"No," I said as I shook him off.

He nodded and changed the subject. "Alice was worried when we woke up and couldn't find you. She's been freaking out actually. She sent me to find you. She wanted me to tell you it's your shift to sleep."

I snorted a laugh. "Like that's going to happen. But thanks for passing along the message." We stood still and silent for a moment. "I should get back. I don't want Alice to keep freaking out." I turned away from him for just a moment before I looked over my shoulder. "You won't... tell anyone about this, will you?" He frowned I could tell he was conflicted. "Because I would rather it just be kept between us. I'd actually rather it just be my secret but it's too late for that. And I don't really need everyone out there to know. It's just easier that way."

He nodded. "I understand. But you should, you know, tell people. It may help." My frown deepened and I shook my head almost violently. "Well, then I'm here if you need to talk or anything. We're all in this together."

I nodded my response and walked away slowly, keeping to the shadows as best I could. I didn't have a mirror to see what I looked like, but I'm sure it wasn't exactly pretty. When I reached the kitchen area I found everything in order. Well, mostly in order. All the babies were sleeping peacefully but Alice and Edward were frantically pacing the floor. "Jesus, Bella!" Alice shouted, running to me and throwing her arms around me. I inhaled sharply as she squeezed the still tender flesh of my back. "Where were you? I was worried sick. I panicked when I didn't find you in here when I woke up and Edward hasn't exactly helping me any. He's gone absolutely crazy! He keeps cursing himself and insisting that he's killed you." She released me and it was her turn to cringe when she took in the sight of me. "What happened?" she asked taking my face in her hands and examining it closely.

"Shit!" Edward cursed closing the distance and looking at me. "I'm so fucking sorry," he apologized. "It's all my fault. I shouldn't have done it. I gave you a black eye."

Alice released my face and balled her hands into fists. "You hit her?" she shouted at her brother. "What is wrong with you?"

"Alice, it's not what you think," I finally spoke. "It wasn't his fault."

"Then what the hell happened?"

I shook my head. "It doesn't matter. It was an accident. He didn't mean to nor did he want to. As you can see he's been a wreak about it ever since," I spoke softly and pointed to Edward. His face held a look of permanent sadness and dark circles under his eyes. "So let's just forget all about it. It's over. And I'm fine. Really."

Alice was reluctant to drop the subject but eventually I persuaded her, only after I convinced her not to murder her brother. He was only acting in everyone's best interest. Eventually she believed me but of course he didn't. She insisted that me and Edward take our shift sleeping. That she could handle the sleeping babies and Jasper was only a shout away if she needed him. I tried to argue but she insisted and pushed me from the door closing it behind me. After a minute Edward was followed through the door. He wrapped his arm around me and led me to the far back corner. "It's not much but Alice said she and Jasper found it surprisingly comfortable." He sat down on the collection of crib mattresses. He patted beside him insisting that I join him.

"I'm not really tired," I argued. "I'm sure there is something else I could be doing."

He grabbed my hand and pulled me down to him. "Bella, you need to sleep. But at the very least lay here with me and rest."

I conceded and sat beside him. I rested my head on his shoulder and we were silent for a minute. "Want to talk about it?" he offered.

"No," I replied softly.

"Was it like last time? Did they beat you?"

"No," I said again.

"Did he-did he hurt you?"

I bit my lip. "Yes," I whispered deciding not to lie to him. I felt my eyes sting as I tried to hold back the tears.

"Did he...touch you?" he asked lower his voice.

"I said I don't want to talk about it." I let out an exaggerated breath before I turned to him and pressed my lips to his. It took him a second to reciprocate and I quickly pulled away. "I'm sorry," I apologized as I rested my head on his shoulder. "I needed it. I didn't want his lips..." I trailed off, I didn't want to go into detail and by the way his hands balled up into tight fists and his entire posture became rigid I could tell that he didn't want any more detail than that. "I just needed something real." I bit my lip before I continued to speak. "I can feel myself breaking apart and slowly becoming two pieces. Two empty pieces. There is the Bella that existed before all this started. She was a little lost and maybe some what confused but that's normal, especially for someone my age. And then there is this sad, pathetic shell of a person that sits beside you now. She's broken beyond repair so damaged from everything that's happened and it's not even close to being over. And I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to put myself back together. And even if I do will it be any better? I mean, I have nothing. I stand for nothing. I just exist. And what kind of life is that? It's not." I shook my head to clear it. "Sorry. I don't mean to be like this. I don't mean to burden you with everything. But I don't know who else to talk to. You're it. You see me like no one else does. I can fake it around everyone else but you... you see me. Every part of me. And I like it. It helps me. You make me feel... better. Slightly fractured but still whole. You're like glue holding me together. And I know I said you didn't matter before. But I lied. I do feel something for you. And I know I shouldn't. Shit! You have a family to think about. And I don't want to ruin that. So I will keep my hands and my lips to myself from now on. I had a momentary lapse that will not happen again," I finally concluded scooting farther away from him to give him the space I had promised. "Forget I said anything. Just forget about me."

"Shut up," Edward growled at me. He grabbed my hand and pulled me into him. He wrapped his arms around me and lifted me up placing me in his lap. "I don't care," he said his voice a low and husky growl. He pressed me into him tightly as our lips met again in a hungry kiss.

XXXXX

The conversation with Carlisle had been quick. He said he had some information he would like to discuss in person and in private. He did allude to the nature of our impending conversation and it had my stomach twisted in knots. I tried to push all thoughts from my mind and resume my resting and hoping for sleep but I after five minutes of trying I deemed it impossible. I made my way downstairs and spied on Edward while he sat at his computer working. I watched him for a minute before he seemed to notice my presence and turn to me. "Are you ok?" He stood and made his way to me.

"I'm fine," I sighed. "I was just thinking of going out." I shrugged. "But my car is still at the restaurant."

"Oh," Edward responded. "Where do you need to go? I could take you."

"You have work to finish," I reminded him. "I'm a big girl, I can handle going out by myself. I just need a set of wheels. Can you spare ten minutes to drive me to my car?"

"It's really no problem for me to drive you," he insisted. "Where are you going?"

My face drew into a pout. "It's personal," I made an excuse. I could tell from the look on his face that it wasn't enough for him. I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms across my chest. "You just couldn't spare me the embarrassment. I have an appointment with my doctor. My personal doctor." He looked at me blankly as if he wasn't getting it. "OB/GYN. Baby things. Female things. All of a sensitive subject matter that I would prefer to just do alone. As would you. I don't think you'd feel too comfortable in that waiting room."

"At the hospital?" he asked brow drawn.

"Yes," I said exhaling angrily. I just wanted to get my car and have a bit of freedom. Was that so much to ask for?

"I'll take you," he insisted again, grabbing his keys. "I need to visit Emmett anyway. You do your thing. I'll do mine. Then we'll meet halfway. I'll take you to get your car after." I didn't have a good argument against that so I begrudgingly accepted his offer.

Edward tried to initiate a conversation with me in the car but my mind was elsewhere and he got the hint with my heavy sighs and empty staring. When we got to the hospital we split up, he made his way to Emmett's room in ICU and I wondered, trying to find Carlisle's office. And thank god he was there. "Glad you could make it so soon," he greeted me as he politely stood from his desk.

"Let's cut the crap and get to why I'm here, you said you had information on... my condition?" I began.

"Yes," he said as he returned to his seat. "I was conflicted on wether or not I should tell you this... the doctor in me said no. It would be unethical. But as your friend I decided that it didn't matter. You deserved to know." I didn't speak I just wanted to hear him get to the point. "I know we've discussed your current situation and your options."

I slowly released a breath I wasn't aware I was holding. "Yes, and I've made my choice. No matter what happened to bring this child into the world, it still deserves a chance. And I am going to do my best to raise it to have a normal life far different from the one I've experienced."

"A very respectable decision," he agreed with me. His face registered happiness and delight while his body seemed to tense even more. "I'm glad to hear it. And you know that my family and I will help you with whatever you need. Financially and otherwise."

"I am aware," my voice was flat. I was keeping my emotions in check. I didn't want to end up breaking down like I had been.

"But beyond that we've also discussed other options you have regarding," he licked his lips and folded his hands nervously, "paternity," he concluded awkwardly.

I nodded somberly. "And I thought that I made it clear that it didn't matter."

"Yes," he nodded his agreement. "But I have received some new information regarding one of the... candidates." There was a long uncomfortable silence between us. "Shall I continue?" he asked me softly. I nodded unable to find words to respond. "Are you rethinking the option of doing a paternity test when it is a viable option?"

I shook my head. "If you've eliminated one candidate, so to speak, then I think it's safe to say we have a winner."

"And you're sure that your fiancee-"

"Ex," I corrected quickly. "We broke up."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"I'm not," I muttered softly.

"You're sure the child can't be his?" he asked me again.

"Carlisle, Dr. Cullen, I don't know what to call you in this situation."

"Carlisle is always fine, Bella."

"Not only were we safely using condoms," I said without a blush. I never thought I'd be able to speak so freely about such subjects but the crisis had changed me in so many ways. "I live with my overprotective police chief father. Jacob lives in a room the size of my closet at his paralyzed father's house and his father never leaves home. That leaves us with very little privacy. Our intimacy was very limited. So unless I'm already," I paused to think, "like three months along or something I think it's safe to say that no, he is not the father."

Carlisle nodded. "And I can eliminate one more name." He shuffled through some papers on his desk. "This is coming from your friend not your doctor about to break his oath so I would appreciate if you didn't tell anyone about this conversation." I nodded accepting his silent terms. "It seems that Laurent, you would know him as-"

"Nehil," I interrupted him.

"Yes. I have a friend at the coroner's office that owed me a favor and he allowed me to look into his reports and medical history and it seems that two years ago he had a vasectomy. Meaning that he-"

Again I interrupted Carlisle, "I know what it means." My voice was distant and unsteady. My body shook uncontrollably and tears feel before I could even register what emotion washed through me and completely took over. "Fuck!" I swore loudly and I didn't stop. I went through every curse I knew and repeated them at least three times before the tears reached a crescendo that stopped my voice.

Carlisle's doctor appearance and demeanor faded away and he once again became my friend. He rushed to my side of the desk and loosely wrapped one arm around my shoulders. He didn't offer words. He just let me vent out my fears and frustrations as he offered his arms for support. When I calmed he finally spoke, "Would you like to talk about it? I have some wonderful colleagues in the psychiatry field." I shook my head. No way I was ever going to say any of the things racing through my head out loud to a stranger. "Before I decided on my field of study in med school I did do try my hand a psychology. I'm a bit out of practice but I would be more than willing to-"

"No!" I shouted cutting him off. "Are you fucking crazy?" I snapped. He tensed at my shouting and gave me a baffled look. "I'm done talking about this." I stood.

"Bella, I know it's hard but you may feel better if you-"

"No," I cut him off again. "Carlisle, this isn't up for discussion. Especially with you."

I ignored him as he called after me and walked out into the halls. I found Emmett's room easily. Edward was standing at the foot of the bed talking to Rosalie. II stood in the doorway, not wanting to set foot in. "Hey," he greeted me the moment his eyes landed on me. "That didn't last long."

"I have to go," I said quickly. I could already feel my body begin to betray me. My heart was racing, my lungs didn't seem to be able to pull in enough oxygen and the tears... well did those ever stop anymore.

"Is everything ok?" I could hear the worry in his voice.

I nodded slowly. "Yes. I just have to go now," I repeated myself.

"Can it wait just a minute Rose is telling me about this new Doctor that Carlisle called. He thinks he found the problem. After surgery Em should w-"

"Edward, please," I begged as a tear slipped from my eye.

"What happened?" he asked coming to my side. He brought his hands to my shoulders and I recoiled immediately.

"Don't touch me!" I snapped loudly. Edward backed up to the other side of the room. I took a few deep breaths and tried to right myself. "I'm sorry," I apologized. "Forget it," I said softly leaving the room and racing down the hall. I could hear him call after me but it only made my feet move faster. The only problem was that I had no where to go once I exited the hospital.

"Hey, Bella," he said slightly breathless. "What's going on?"

"Nothing," I shook my head and refused to look into his eyes. "I just need to go. I have other things...You stay...I'll call a cab and get my car," I babbled slightly incoherently.

"Don't be ridiculous. I'll take you to your car."

I groaned. "Edward, you don't have to do this. I'm fine."

"I beg to differ," he said softly. He brushed hair out of my face and tucked it behind my ear.

"Stop that," I cried as I pulled away from him.

"Bella, talk to me."

"No. There is nothing to say. I'm fine. I just want to get my truck."

He nodded, dropping it. "Then let's go."

The rest of our time together was silent. I could often hear a low rumble from his throat, a sign that he wanted to talk he just didn't know what to say. He would steal quick glances in my direction and offer me soft pleading eyes. But I didn't give in. I didn't want to talk. So I turned my head and looked out my window. With each passing second the scenery whizzed by even faster. I sneaked a glance at the speedometer and it seemed that he finally got the point. His speeding was a clear signal that he seemed to be in a rush to get rid of me or simply a kindness to me to get me the hell to my car as fast as possible. Whatever the case was, I was grateful. And within minutes we were in the diner parking lot. "What time will you be home?" he asked as I opened my door.

I scoffed and rolled my eyes. "Fuck, Edward. Can you give it a rest? I don't even have to answer to my father like that."

"I know," he sighed. "I just-"

I didn't wait for his response. "Thanks for the ride. I'll see you later."

He sighed in annoyance as I slammed the door on him. "We usually eat dinner around 6-ish. We would like it if you were there," he yelled through his open window. I didn't acknowledge his invitation. I just got into my truck and sped away, as I fought to keep myself composed enough to drive.


	9. 9: You're Not as Brave as You Were

**Chapter 9**

**You're Not as Brave as You Were at the Start**

I drove even though my vision was clouded with tears. At first I didn't have a destination. I just knew that I needed some space. And shortly my grumbling stomach forced me to finally pick a destination. It didn't matter where, I knew that in the end I would just end up throwing it all up anyway. I pulled into Taco Bell for a quick meal I managed to keep the tears back during my meal. Not as if everyone couldn't see my swollen bloodshot eyes that were the tell tale signs of my tears. I did get several worried glances but was otherwise left alone. As I got up to leave my phone rang. It was Edward. I ignored the call and got back into my truck.

My next destination was a familiar one. I found myself sitting in my truck again staring at the building that brought all the stress and misery into my life. But this time I didn't hesitate. I opened my door and walked up to the front door. I did hesitate there, my hand shaking as it touched the cool metal of the doorknob. After a few deep breaths I pulled the door open and stepped in. I closed my eyes and waiting for the freak out to begin. But by some miracle I was able to open my eyes and move to the new window. It wasn't open as it used to be. It was now covered in Plexiglas with small holes to facilitate talking and a small slit on the counter just enough to fit your hand through to pass through some papers. "Hello," I was greeted by an unfamiliar face that was far too happy. I read the name tag (those were new since I left too) that hung from around her neck, Leslie. "How can I help you?"

"I, uh, is Esme here?" I asked my voice not nearly as shaky as I thought it would be.

"Ummm," she she sighed and bit her lip nervously. "I think she may be out to lunch."

"Her car is in the lot," I informed her.

"Oh," she breathed. "Just give me a sec?" she said as she picked up the phone. "Who should I say is asking for her?"

"Bella," I said softly. "Bella Swan."

I could see Leslie's smile falter for just about one second, I assume she recognized the name. I was really beginning to hate that. She held the phone to her ear for about 30 seconds before she returned her attention to me. "I'm sorry. She's not answering. She must be in some kind of a meeting. When she's done I'll tell her you stopped by or would you care to leave a message?"

"Tell her to call me, Bella Swan, when she gets a chance. I have a few things to discuss with her. So, yeah, please just tell her to call me," the words rushed from me and I quickly walked back out the door just as my hands began to shake. I don't know why I continue to torture myself. I throw up in the bushes and sulk back to the car. I sit for a few minutes and think. I don't like the things I'm thinking of so I stop. As I drive aimlessly my stomach rumbles. I feel like I'm constantly eating because I am constantly throwing up. I hate being pregnant. I drive through McDonald's and gorge myself once again. And then I begin to think. I again don't like the things I am thinking of but can't help myself. I am tired and should go back to Edward's and finally get that nap I've been craving. Or maybe just go to bed and call it a day but when I get back to my car I found myself driving in the other direction. I'm still not done torturing myself.

My third destination however was unfamiliar. It also left me terrified. And throwing up in the parking lot did nothing to settle my fears.

I sat in the little cubicle fidgeting uncontrollably. I crossed and uncrossed my legs. I messed with my hair, up in a ponytail then back down, no, back up. I folded and unfolded my hands. I rapped my fingers on the small ledge in front of me. I did everything I could to keep myself from looking around. I did everything I could to keep myself in the small uncomfortable seat. It took everything I had to stay in the large room that still seemed way too small. I heard the loud buzzer and looked up to the ceiling. Would there be enough time to sneak out? I wished that at that moment I could run away like the scared little girl I felt like. But I put on my brave face, folded my hands, stared straight ahead and held my surging emotions in.

"So it is true," he responds as he sits in front of me. The very sound of his voice makes my skin crawl. I've become such a pussy. I sit back in the chair a little, trying to find some comfort and maybe appear a little more confident. "I thought the gauds were fucking with me. I never expected to receive one, let alone two visitors today. And I especially thought that you would be the last person to ever visit me." I sit silently unsure of what to say. I'm not even sure I fully understand why I'm here. "So what brings you here?"

I shrug my shoulders. "I'm not sure." I lick my lips and exhale heavily. Suddenly the Plexiglas separating us doesn't seem like enough and I shift uncomfortably. "I have a lot of things to sort out and I can't do that alone. And I guess you're the only one I can speak honestly to right now.

He laughs and the sound makes me shrink away slightly. "And you're coming to me for advice? I didn't think I could do anything to get under your skin. But here you sit, fucked up enough to come and visit the man that tried to kill you and pretty much everyone you know and ask for advice."

I shake my head. "Not advice, James. Closure. I need closure."

Again he laughs. "You called me James."

"That is your name," I say softly. "I thought calling you Nemo would be... I don't know. That part of your life is over." I know it's not much but reminding him that the life he knew and loved is over was all I could think of to get to him. I long to be able to hurt him. To give him nightmares. Like he had done to me. And while I said it I tried to hide my fear by glaring at the man that had caused me so much pain.

"Yes, you're right," he sighed softly but his smile remained. "I suppose you calling me James now is much more fitting." There was a silence that fell between us. It made me even more uncomfortable. "You're boyfriend came to see me today."

"Jacob?" I breathed. What the fuck was he doing visiting this asshole? Especially after breaking up with him this morning. "Jacob came to see you?" I asked again still in shock. It didn't make sense. I bit my lower lip and suddenly anger bubbled up inside of me. If I ever see that asshole, Jacob, again I am going to kill him. "It's a pain in the ass to visit an inmate. All sorts of dumb fucking rules that don't even make sense. I had to take off all my jewelry. I can't wear T-shirts with logos or designs or writing on them. I can't wear skirts above my knees. I can't show cleavage. I had to prove I was wearing a bra because god fucking forbid my nipples somehow manage to poke through this oversized sweatshirt and set one of you guys off. But it better not be an under wire bra because it much might set off the metal detectors. I had to sign papers and waivers and god knows what else," I ranted hardly pausing long enough to take a breath. "Why I went through it all? I'm not really sure. Because now that I am here, I wish I would have just stayed at home today. But at least I had a reason. I needed this. I wanted closure. I needed to put an end to all this. I needed to box all this shit-oh, wait, I'm not supposed to curse while in here. I need to box all this... stuff up so I can finally stop dwelling on it. I need to move on with my life. But Jacob?" I spat his name, lacing it full of spite. "He had no reason. None of this concerns him. We're done. I broke up with him. But he was just that goddamn selfish and desperate for answers that he came to you.

"Now, now, darling. Calm down," James said as he leaned forward. I drew back as he grinned at me. "Who is Jacob?"

XXXXX

Alice was right. The make shift bed was surprisingly comfortable. I laid on my side staring at Edward. His eyes were trained on me. Neither one of us was tired. We should be after everything that has happened over the past few hours. But the adrenaline continued to pump through our veins keeping our eyes wide open. He leaned into me and pressed his lips to his. This is how it was going for the past... I don't know hour or so we had been here. It started out fast and full of passion but we slowly cooled down and were now reduced to gentle kisses and soft looks. But it kept our minds off of the three people with guns holding us hostage.

"It looks my better," Edward finally interrupted our silence in a hushed whisper.

"Huh?" I questioned. I may not have been sleeping but I was zoned out.

"Your eye," he responded. "It looks better. The swellings gone down now it's just a little bruised." He hooked away sadly. "I'm sorry."

I rolled my eyes. It wasn't his fault but he would never be able to see it that way. "I said it's okay. You were just doing what you were told. You didn't have a choice then. But you do now. You should stay away from me," I pleaded again. "Save yourself the guilt and make sure that something like this doesn't happen to you."

"And I told you that I can't do that." He shook his head and gently touched my arm.

"Stop," I pleaded, pulling away from him.

"No, Bella, you need to stop." He growled moving closer to me. "You pull me in. You use these beautiful words and powerful looks and strong emotions and you make me care. You make me forget about the life I have outside of here. You make me realize that, like you, I've just been going through the motions of life. And I want to stop that. I want something real. I want you. You make me want to be with you. Really be with you, Bella. This is not the adrenaline talking. This is me talking." He reached his arms out to me, cupping my face and forcing my eyes to stay on his. "This is me pouring my heart out to you. This is me acting like a lovesick teenage fool. This is me falling in love with you." He gnawed on his lower lip before he continued. "And as soon as I think that we're both on the same page. That we both want the same thing. You push me away again."

"Because we can't do this," I whispered. "This is wrong. You love Tanya. Out of the billions of women in the world, you fell in love with her. You choose her. And I'm sure it wasn't a spur of the moment kind of thing like this is right now. You met her and you dated her and you fell in love. You pictured your life and saw her in it. I'm just a distraction. A diversion from all this shit going on right now. And that's okay. Because I need it too right now. I'm using you to forget about..." I looked away from him.

"But you said you cared about me," he argued.

"Yes, I did. I do. But I also care about Alice and Jasper and everyone else trapped in here with us. But do you see me declaring my love for them? No. Because that is stupid. You're not in love with me."

"I know I'm not in love with you yet. I never said I was. I said I was falling in love with you. When I think about what I want to do when I get out of here... it's you I see. I see going home and being able to go on a date with you. I want to forget all about this place and treat you like you should be treated. No more sneaking in the girls bathroom to kiss or hiding in the corner like this. I want to be with you and make a life for you and make you forget all about what just happened back there."

"Yeah, that sounds nice but it's not possible," I argued. "I'm never going to forget about this place. And neither will you. When we get out of here... you're going to go back to Tanya you are going to fall back into that life. And when you see me. You're going to regret everything. Every kiss and every touch. Every single thought you had. Because you love your life. And no matter what you feel right now. Things will be so much different out there. You aren't going to feel the need to protect me and to save me. I'm not going to be a damsel in distress. I'm just going to be another sad girl that you feel sorry for. All you'll have for me is pity. And you won't want to see me because you'll feel guilty and because you'll feel sad. I'll remind you of all this evil. There is no romance in that. So stop trying to force it. Let's just go with it for now and when we get out of here... we'll forget all about it and move on."

Edward opens his mouth to protest but is stopped when we heard a shrill shriek come from Alice. "Bella!" she screamed, her voice scared and frantic. I held his gaze for another few seconds before I shook him off and ran to my best friend. "Something's wrong." She held her arms out towards me showing off the limp infant.

I could feel all the color and warmth suddenly drain from my body as I ran out of the room. My feet felt like they were cinder blocks, heavy and hard to move. "Nemo!" I shouted but my voice sounded weak.

He suddenly appeared in front of me with a sly smile. "Haven't had enough of me yet?"

I ignored him. "You have to let someone go."

He laughed in my face. "Not happening, sweetheart," he said as he ran his fingers through my hair. "Like I've said, we're all in this to the end."

I shook my head, trying to find the calm and strength I needed to convince him. "One of the babies is sick."

"Not like you haven't dealt with that before," he snapped and turned his back to me.

"It's not like that," I insisted, grabbing his arm. "She needs to get to a hospital."

He laughed me off. "You re-inflated someone's lung in a daycare office and you're scared of a sick baby?"

"I can't help her. She needs medicine," I almost begged. "Her parents only leave us with enough for two doses. She had both yesterday."

"And you expect me to believe that if I don't let her go she will die? What the hell can a baby have that would do that?"

"Dilated Cardiomyopathy," I explained in a mad rush. "She had surgery when she was three months old. She has the chest scar to prove it. And to keep her heart functioning properly she gets 3 milligrams of Captopril 3 times every day. If she misses a dose it will become difficult for her to breathe and her heart will begin to race. We are past that part. We are to the part where she loses unconscious. And if she doesn't get medical help or at the very least another dose of her medication she will have a heart attack. A 15-month-old baby girl will have a heart attack and she will die. And you will have fucked every chance you have at ending this well."

Nemo stared at me blankly. "Well, we certainly wouldn't want anyone to be fucked now do we?" he eyed me suggestively. There was a short pause where he expected me to react. And when I didn't he responded casually, "No. I don't think so."

"She's going to die," I argued.

"We all do eventually," he shrugged. "Some earlier than other's. You just keep that in mind."

XXXXX

My brow knitted together in confusion. "Jacob didn't come to see you? So what? You're just lying? Trying to get under my skin again?"

"No," James responded, shaking his head. "I got to know you pretty well over those, what was it? Three days? I never heard you mention anyone."

"Why would I explain myself to you?"

He shrugged. "I just thought that it would have come up."

I scoffed loudly. "That's the sort of thing that friends talk about. And in case you've forgotten, we're not friends. We are the exact opposite of friends," I seethed.

"You also never mentioned him to any of your friends. Especially when you were sneaking off to the corner trying to find the perfect time to fuck the guy who is not your boyfriend." He sat silent for a moment letting it sink in. Then he continued, "And usually when I hold a gun to some ones head, they try to plead with me, appeal to my more human side and remind me of what they have to lose if I kill them. You never did. You just stood there almost begging me to pull the trigger. I think that's why I could never do it. You had so much fight in you. I found it very... thrilling. You were a challenge. And I've always liked a good challenge."

I tried to block out most of what he's said. He is trying to manipulate me. "Stop trying to get inside my head. It didn't work before and it's not going to work now."

"But it works so well on your boyfriend," he smirked.

"You just said you didn't know Jacob."

James shrugged. "I know. I'm not talking about Jacob. But since we're on the subject, what does your dear Jacob think about-"

"Jacob and I broke up. I broke up with him," I explained quickly. "So let's stop talking about him."

"I'm not the one that brought him up," he said nonchalantly.

"I know you're trying to use some kind of psychology against me, but it's not working. All you're doing is confusing me. You bring up my boyfriend, or ex-boyfriend but then you deny it?"

"I brought up Edward. You brought up Jacob," he corrected.

"What does Edward have to do with any of this?" I shout, growing annoyed with James and his games.

"He came to see me this morning. I've become very popular amongst your little group of friends. I hear you even have a support group.:

"I didn't come to talk about this." I shake my head and look down at the tabletop. I twisted my fingers nervously.

"What did you come to talk about? The little bundle of joy you're expecting?"

My eyes shot up and grew wide with shock and fear. "How did you know?"

"You're boyfriend told me."

"Stop calling him that!" I saw the guards look to me and eye me with suspicion. I look back to the table, trying to calm myself.

"Now, now, Bella." James shakes his head in disapproval. "Don't get upset. It's not good for the baby."

I take a few deep breaths still trying to calm my nerves. "You don't get to talk about this baby. You have nothing to do with this baby."

"That's not what Edward seems to think." He smirks at me again and it makes my stomach twist uncomfortably in knots. "It seems as though he has come across some information about my dearly departed friend Laurent. He was good at following directions and had no fear but he never was very bright. He thought that if he had a vasectomy that there would be no DNA left behind after he... well, I'm sure you know all about it. You did get to know him on that sort of personal level, didn't you?" I hold my breath as my body seems to freeze. "It didn't remove his DNA but it did make him incapable of having children thank God." He looked deeply into my eyes and I had to look away. "I'm sure that's at least some good news for you." There was another pause where he waited for my response. But I didn't have one. "But on with the story Edward came to curse me out mostly. But he ended by telling me that I was going to be a father and he wanted to know what it felt like to have a piece of me out there but never being able to see it." He paused again, but I still refused to respond. I just tried to shrink away and blend in with the seat and become invisible. That would solve a lot of problems for me right now. "I found the question so odd that I had to laugh and ask him the same thing."

"Shut up," I finally spoke. My voice was weak, hardly loud enough for him to hear.

"So I take it you've been holding out on him."

"Stay out of it."

"And I hear that you two have moved in together. How sweet. His fiancee isn't getting in the way, is she? I have the number for a very good guy who could solve that problem for you if you've got the cash. He'll even make it look like an accident."

"I don't have to justify myself to you. I came here for closure. Not to talk about my life. Not like you even care anyway. You're just collecting little bits and pieces of me to use against me.

James smirked, rested his arms on the table and leaned across, his face right up against the glass only inches away from mine. "I'm in prison, sweetheart. What good will that do?"

"I don't know!" I shouted, trying to keep my voice as low as possible. "It's just what you do."

"Well, how about I let you off the hook this visit."

"This visit?" I scoff. "What makes you think I'll ever come back."

James ignored me and glanced at the clock. "I will leave you with a small piece of advice."

"I don't need advice," I snapped bitterly. "Especially from you.

"Then why did you come?

"I told you, I needed closure."

"Hate to break it to you, but you already got your closure. In your eyes everyone got what was coming to them."

I shrugged. "Not everyone. You're still alive."

James smiled. "You had your chance to kill me but you didn't. If I really stopped to think about it, I'd bet you have developed some sort of feelings for me."

I slammed my fists down on the table. "You don't get to do that to me! Not anymore!"

"What's that called? Where you fall in love with your captor? Stockholm's Syndrome? You have a chance to get rid of me forever and you don't take it. You come visit me. You tell people you're pregnant with my child. I think that someone might have a little crush on me."

"Don't be stupid," I roll my eyes. "I didn't tell anyone it was your baby." I suck in my lower lip in nervousness. " I've only told two people that I'm pregnant. And I will never reveal the father of this baby. Because it doesn't matter. I try not to think about it because what it stands for... what happened... It didn't come from love or any sort of good circumstances. And that's all that really matters. For all intents and purposes this child has no father. Even if I keep it. Which God knows I shouldn't. You know, I don't have to explain myself. Not to you or to anyone. I don't know why I came." I gripped the table, wanting to stand and run away.

"You came," James smirks, "Not to explain things to me. Because I have already figured all this stuff out. But to figure things out for yourself." He leaned back in his chair. "And you and I both know what that baby stands for. And don't bullshit me and try to tell me that I'm wrong. I can already see it in your eyes. You've made up your mind and you've gone and fallen in love like the poor pathetic little sap you are. And if you weren't going to keep the baby, you would have already done it."

"Two minutes," the guard booms loudly.

"You know nothing about me," I speak through clenched teeth.

"Really?" He raises his eyebrow. "Because I can see right through you. Do yourself a favor and get out while you still can. One way or the other."

"What are you talking about?" I ask, as I shake my head.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about. You're keeping the baby. You're breaking up with Jacob. You're moving out. And moving in with Edward and his family. Seems like someone is getting their hopes up. Tell me, are your feelings being reciprocated?"

"What?" I scoff. "I don't know what I'm doing with the baby. Right now I'm leaning towards adoption. But I don't know. And Jacob... that was already a sinking ship. And none of this has anything to do with you." I look at the clock and watch the seconds tick by.

"And no matter how many times you tell me that you don't have to explain yourself to me, you do anyway. Why is that?" He smiles when I don't respond. "Did you get the closure you were looking for?"

I frown. "Not exactly."

"Because this trip wasn't really about me, was it?"

"What else would it be about?"

"You're a very good liar. You've even gotten yourself convinced." He smiles. "You're a lot like me. You'd make a good criminal."

"I am nothing like you!"

James raises an eyebrow. "Really? I see too many similarities to count. Stubborn. Crafty. Intelligent. Bitter. Angry. Charming. Strong. Magnificent liar. And you're very capable of murder." By then I was in tears.

"Times up," the guard announces loudly. "Inmates stand."

"Sorry, sweetheart. We'll have to continue this next time.

"Fuck you," I cried as I watched him back away and out the door to return to his cell.

"Are you alright, miss?" The prison guard asked as he approached me when I haven't filtered out of the room like everyone else.

I couldn't find the words to I just nod. I just needed a minute to get myself back under control. After a few more questioning glances from the guard who was very eager to get rid of me, I rose to my feet and got to my car as quickly as I was capable. As soon as I was in my truck I break down. I sob hysterically for what seems like forever. When the tears finally slow to nothing more than a soft whimpering flow I start my truck. By then it was near dark, the sun was falling behind the horizon and if I wasn't such a mess I would appreciate the beauty of the moment. The colors of the sky were really lovely but I don't care. Tears still fall but it was soft and lacked the loud sobs that would give me away. So I drive back to Edward's. They are all sitting at the dinner table when I walk in.

"Good, you made it!" Tanya exclaims as she sets a wooden bowl full of salad on the table. "We saved you a place," she says gesturing to her left.

I shake my head. "I don't-I'm not..." I sniffle as I feel the tears well up again. They look so painfully cute. Man, woman and child gathering around the table for a well balanced dinner. It's like a goddamn Norman Rockwell painting. Everyone is smiling and happy. Their lives are perfect. I am never going to have this. "I'm tired," I excuse myself, my voice cracking as I back away.

Their smiles fade as I feel the first tear slip down my cheek. "Bella, what happened?" Edward asks in a panic. "Where were you?" He gets to his feet and I put up my hand to signal him to back off and surprisingly he stops. I shake my head and wipe at the tears in vain they will just keep falling anyway.

Tanya ignores her fiance as I have and turns her attention to me. "Are you okay?" her voice is dripping with concern. I really wish she would make it easy for me to hate her. But no, she has to be the nicest fucking woman I've ever met.

I shake my head and look away ashamed. "I'm fine. I just... I don't know." I turn my back and begin to walk away.

"Bella," Edward calls after me and I hear his foot steps come to me from behind. And that makes the tears fall harder and faster.

"Edward, stop!" Tanya snaps at him. I turn back around to find her glaring at him. "Can't you see that she doesn't want to do this right now? Do you?" she directs the last question at me. I simply shake my head. "Is there anything I can do for you?" she offers politely, her eyes shift to Edward for a second, giving him the hint on how it-I- should be handled.

"You can stop being so nice to me." The words fly from my mouth and I instantly regret them.

"I'll do my best for now," she says softly. "Because I'm sure that's just the hormones talking right now. It looks like you've had a long day. You can tell me in the morning if you'd still rather me be not so nice to you." She lifts her fork to her mouth and takes a bit of her salad. Edward sits down and follows her direction and begins eating his pasta.

"I'm sorry," I apologize. "I don't know where my mind is at."

"I know," she says with a soft nod of her head.

"There is so much that..." I stop, now is not the time or the place. "I'm sorry. Enjoy your dinner."

"We'll talk later," she offers. "If you want."

I nod and retreat to my bedroom. I turn out the lights and I lay in the bed and close my eyes. As soon as I am settled in and alone the tears stop. I toss and I turn and I try everything I can think of to fall asleep but again I fail. My mind is too busy for sleep right now. I need to clear it before I go crazy. So I pick up my cell and dial. "Does your offer still stand?" I ask when he answers.

"What offer? Who is this?"

I ignore his questions. "Are you busy? I really need someone."

But he seems to have worked it out. "Yeah, sure. Is this a phone conversation or-?"

"No, I'm on my way," I say and grab my keys.


	10. 10: Making Up For All This Mess

**Chapter 10**

**Making Up For All This Mess**

I walk through the door unannounced and sit beside Jasper on his couch. He closes the book he's reading and sets it on the coffee table in front of him. We don't say anything for a long time we just stare blankly ahead. "Thanks," I say, finally breaking the silence.

"It sounded like you really needed someone." He nodded.

I release a heavy breath. "I do. I don't want to admit it but I do."

"What happened?" he asks, scooting closer to me and resting his arm around my shoulder.

I bite my lip nervously. "How does everyone do it? We all lost things and saw things and did things that no one should have to. How do you do it? You lost so much in there. It's really changed your life so much more than most people in there yet you seem so... How do you do it?"

Jasper looks away from me and I see the slightest hint of a frown. "Sometimes I can't," he admits softly. "There are moments when the pain and grief is so heavy I can't move. I can't think. All I can do is cry." I can see tears well in his eyes but they refuse to fall. "At first it was hard. I thought it would be impossible. After the two days I spent in the hospital, I spent the next two talking to a lot of people. Family. Friends. Doctors. Therapists. Priests. You name it, I tried it. But none of it helped. None of it worked. And I just kind of freaked out. Totally flipped my shit and went crazy. I drank a lot- I was drunk. I broke up with Alice." I look at him and wanted to interrupt but he continued. "I packed up some of my shit and Sam's shit and got on a plane and went back to Texas to be with my parents. They watched Sam while I disappeared. I did a lot of stupid things to help myself through it all. I went back to drinking and doing drugs. And then one night I woke up covered in my own vomit in a room I couldn't recognize with a woman I couldn't remember. Two weeks after we got out and I couldn't remember the last ten days. The entire time I spent in Texas was nothing but a blur. And I was terrified. My son had already lost his mother and now he had lost his father too. I abandoned him. For what? Because I held hostage for a few days? Saw some shit I didn't want to? So did he, you know." His voice cracks.

"And this girl," he continues. "Yeah, she was a girl. She was young. Maybe 18, maybe not. I was still a little out of my mind and can't really say for sure. But she was wise beyond her years. And she looks at me and shakes her head, in a way that lets me know that she pities me. That she- this young woman-girl that has to sleep with sad desperate men like me to pay their bills... she pities me." A tear fell from his eye and he quickly wiped it away. "And she tells me, 'Baby, I watch the news, I know who you are and you're secrets are safe with me, no self-respecting hooker kisses and tells'." He closes his eyes as he says her words almost as if he is reciting it word for word from memory. "And she says that with a fucking smile and she goes on, 'I know your story and we've all got skeletons in our closets. My life hasn't exactly been a Cinderella story or I wouldn't be working the streets. What's done is done. A lot of bad shit went down, I'm sure more than I know too. Some people died. And no amount of drinking is going to change that. You have to remember that some people lived too. You lived. Your boy, he lived. And those people that you lost, they don't want to see you do this to yourself. Honor them. Remember them. Make them proud. Have faith. It all works out in the end. God has a plan for us all. Sometimes the path is dark and rocky but in the end when you get there, it will all be worth the while.' And then she kissed my forehead and held me while I cried on her shoulder. She was right. And it was like this huge weight was lifted from me. Instead of offering me sympathy, she offered me hope." He paused and drew in a deep breath. "That was the first time I really cried. I broke down and sobbed in her arms for a long time. And those tears felt good. They did more for me than the booze or drugs or anything else." He paused to sniffle.

"And don't get me wrong, I still wake up filled with sadness sometimes. But I think we all do. And I don't know if we can ever really get over everything but I'm sure as hell going to try. And sometimes while I'm out I'll find myself face to face with a wall of whisky but I eventually force my feet to move me past. And if I can't do it by myself, I have some really amazing family and friends that will help me."

He ends his story there and I stare at him in shock. "Why didn't you tell me?" I finally ask.

"I just did." He shrugged. "You had your own shit going on. I didn't want to burden you with any more."

"Jazz," I start but don't know how to finish. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," he says, shaking me off. "The prostitute was right. Everything turned out alright in the end. I came back and my life began to make sense again. Everything started to fall into place. I proposed to Alice and she said yes."

A startled gasp escaped me as I smiled. "You finally did it? That is so great. I'm so happy for you! Why didn't I know?"

He shrugs and chews on his lip. "Listen, don't let Ali know I told you. She'll kill me. She wanted to tell you herself. She wanted to tell you right away but..."

"I was being a shit friend," I conclude for him. "Wow. I'm an asshole. I just abandoned you guys. Maybe that's why I'm such a mess right now. I mean, you had your problems but you're over it now. And everyone else... well, it's like it didn't even faze them at all. Look at them."

"Come on, Bella!" Jasper shouts. "Did you really think that we all got out of there and just moved on in an instant? We all had our problems! I spent two weeks slowly trying to kill myself. Jessica did try to kill herself out of guilt." My eyes grow wide in surprise. And here I was giving her a hard time because I thought she didn't give a shit. "You didn't know that? We've all suffered! We're all still suffering. If you would have called or tried to keep in touch you would know these things." He paused when he saw the first of the tears slipped down my cheeks. "After I left her, Alice lost it. She didn't move off the couch. She stayed there for days doing nothing. She didn't eat. She hardly slept. She wouldn't even move to go to the bathroom. Carlisle had her admitted into a psych ward. That got her attention. She finally started to function again. And after a week and a lot of help from some really great people she was released. But she still goes to therapy three days a week. She takes Sam to his appointment then she goes to hers."

I wipe away the tears but they keep coming. "I had no idea."

"We're all fucked up because of what happened. Emmett may never wake up. He might die. Rose has stopped taking care of herself. She hardly eats. She's lost about ten pounds already and she never leaves the hospital. Carlisle never does either. He either sits with Rose or throws himself into his work. And Esme, she locks herself in her office and tries to drink away her guilt. You're not the only one. No one is fine. We all have nightmares. We're all struggling. We're all struggling with this shit. You just haven't been around to see it."

"I'm a horrible person for not knowing any of this. I thought that..."

"You're not horrible," he corrects me. "None of us knew this stuff until we started those meetings. It's helped us. We've talked out a lot of shit. We've shared our shit or someone has called us out on it. And that is what has helped. It's brought us together. It's made it easier. Because we don't have secrets. And once you start to let go of the secrets, everything starts to get easier. Are you ready? To share your secrets?"

I inhale deeply and nod slowly. I'm not really ready but how can I say no? That was my cue to bare my soul to him. "How much do you know?" His brows knit together as he concentrates. "How much do you know about me? And what happened in there?"

"No matter how much I tried to drink all those memories away, I still carry them with me. Though it does get foggy after I was whacked on the head and shit." He rubs the back of his head gently. "The doctors said there was some damage. I forget things easy now. And sometimes someone says something or tells a story and they act like I should know but I don't. They say it could get better, I could start remembering all those things. But then again maybe not." He shrugs nonchalantly.

"So you remember when you saw me in the hallway and..." I stop short when he nods. "I'm sure you've gotten most of it figured out then. But I think it's time for me to finally just say this all out load and get it over with." I pause and lick my lips. Anything to stall and keep myself from crying and breaking down again. "This is the first time I'm going to be completely honest with anyone. So this is kind of a big thing for me. I haven't told anyone else yet and I'm not ready to. But I need to start somewhere. And I completely understand if you don't want to hear me out. This isn't yours. I don't want to burden you with anything else if you're not ready. I'm not even sure I'm ready but I feel like I have to. I can't keep this in. I can't keep lying and pretending all the time."

"We all made a promise to be there for each other and I intend on keeping it," he assures me.

"I know. You are there for me. And you always have been. But this... If it gets to be too much for you, let me know and I'll stop."

"Bella," he says with a soft laughter. "I told you about a two week drinking and drug binge I went on, complete with epiphany inducing prostitutes. I think I can handle it."

"Promise that you'll keep this a secret. I don't want... no one will understand. I need... time. Or something."

He pulls me in closer to him and looks deep into my eyes. "I know how bad it got at times. I was there too. I might not know all the details but... I know it was bad."

"Just promise, okay?"

"I promise," he agrees.

I pull in a deep breath. "I'm pregnant." My frown deepens as my hand falls to my stomach.

"Congratulations!" Jasper wraps his arms around me in a hug.

"No," I say pulling away from him. "This is not a happy thing. It's not good. It wasn't planned obviously. And it's not my fiance, ex-fiance, I broke up with him yesterday-this morning... it already feels like forever ago. But it's not his. Not Jacob's." I pause and gather some courage. "While we were there... I was... You saw... Something happened."

"You were raped," he says, trying to save me.

"No. Yes. I mean, yes. I was." There was a long and heavy silence that fell between us. "I now know who the babies father is. And it's the worst possible person."

"Nemo," Jasper says, jumping to his own conclusion. "That's why you went to see him."

"How do you know I went to see him?"

"I've been trying to go. Face my fear and close that chapter of my life. But then I saw you. And I ended up waiting in my car. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for."

"It's not his baby," I say cutting him off. "He never touched me." I bite my lip and try to stop the tears as I rest my head on his shoulder. "He wanted everyone to get that impression so they would fear him. But he wouldn't because of the woman. They were together. But he wanted everyone to think that if they rebelled like I did, he would do horrible things to them. But he never actually laid a hand on me. He never touched me. At least not on the outside. But the others... they were more violent. More physical. Omnis beat me and..."

"And Nehil he raped you."

I paused before I answered. "Yes," I said softly through a cry. "Sometimes I still feel like I'm trapped there," I change the subject for a moment. "I know it sounds stupid. But in a way I am. Since it all started I've been lying to everyone about everything. And I thought that it would be easier to just always keep lying it's so much easier than the truth."

"It usually is."

"But now... I can't lie forever. Eventually people will notice. And I don't know what to tell them." I pause, trying to sort through my thoughts. "I've known for awhile. And I've finally decided what I'm doing. I can't abort the baby no matter what. I don't know why I even thought I would be able to. This child has every right to live. And I know that if I carry it to term I will never be able to put it up for adoption. I know this child deserves so much more than I can give right now. But I just don't think I can let go that easy. For as broken as my heart and mind and body is right now, I still can't. And when I finally eliminated those options, I spent days praying for something to happen. For God to finally take mercy on me and make it all go away. And then I felt so guilty. This baby deserves to live more than I do. It's never made the mistakes that I have. And honestly, I think it's the only thing keeping me together right now. Because I don't know what... Without that I think that I might have..."

"It doesn't matter." Jasper reassures me. "Because it all turned out alright."

"No, it hasn't. Because I still haven't exactly told you the truth. You've jumped to your own conclusions but... I think I made a mistake wanted to tell the truth. It doesn't matter. I'm finally getting on with my life, even if it's just a little, and telling the truth is only going to complicate things more."

"You wanted to talk," Jasper reminds me. "You called. You wanted to get this off your chest and finally have someone there to listen and help you and here I am. Just do it."

"I thought that I could do this but I can't. I can't, Jazz."

"Yes, you can." Jasper gives me a quick hug for reassurance.

"Going any farther with this is stupid. It's not just about my life anymore. This has the potential to ruin lives, multiple lives and... that's just not fair."

"What about what's happened to all of us is fair? We were all hurt. Most mentally. Some physically. And a few got both. None of that was fair. But it happened and now we have to deal with it. There is no more running or hiding for us. The media has half the story already and the other half is bound to come out when we have to testify in court to lock that fucker away."

"It's not because of them. I mean it is... I guess it wouldn't have happened if... It's not Nehil's baby either. I was-he- he's not the father. I thought he could be. But he isn't. He can't be. Medically he can't be. So it just leaves me with one last person." My voice cracks and I begin to break down again. I throw myself into his arms and sob.

"It's not going to get any better until you finally say it out loud. You have no idea how much that will help."

"I know but I don't think I can. I mean, I can but I don't think I should. Like I said this has the potential to ruin lives. I don't want to hurt anybody."

Jasper sighs and rubs my back. "So you're just going to keep hurting yourself?" He allows my sobbing to subside to a gentle flow of tears before he makes a move. He takes my face in his hands and brings my face inches away from his, forcing me to look into his eyes. He rubs the pads of his thumbs along my cheeks and dries my tears. "I promised you that I would keep your secrets. And I promised you that I would help you. So let me. Let go of your fear. Talk to me and we will figure this out together."

"It's Edward. Edward is the father." The words rushed from me, my voice quivered as I said it out loud for the first time. I can see the look in his eyes. That what-the-fuck look. He wants to say something. I don't know, maybe he wants to yell at me. But he just fucking stares at me. He's frozen holding my face between his hands. I try to pull away from him when I hear the front door open but his grip is strong. "You promised to keep your mouth shut so don't you dare breathe a word of this to anyone." My voice became stronger with each word I spoke. "Not a word!"

"We're ho-" Alice's whimsical voice floats cheerily through the room. It makes me feel like an even bigger piece of shit. Jasper reacts by releasing my face and jumping from the couch but still pulls me with him. "Sam, go to your room," she demands the child in a cold tone. He obliges, bouncing happily down the hall. As soon as he is in his room and out of ear shot Alice speaks again. "What the fuck is this?"

I turn my attention away from her and look at the hardwood floors. I bite my lip and cross my arms over my stomach nervously. "What the fuck is going on?" she asks again when neither one of us answers. I glance towards Jasper who seems to be torn. I give him a pleading look and he remains silent. "Is this why you've been avoid me?" Alice questions. "Are you fucking my husband?"

XXXXX

I walked across the gym slowly, gnawing on my lip nervously. "Hey, Bella," Emmett's voice boomed. He still managed to sound cheerful. "Oh," he gasped. "You look like shit."

"I know," I responded softly but didn't comment farther on the subject. "I need a favor."

"Shoot."

"I need to get one of the babies out of here." He stares at me, not commenting, just waiting for me to finish. "Emily is sick. She needs her meds. Nemo doesn't care. But I can't watch anyone else die."

"What do you need me to do?" he asks without a second thought.

"I need you to tell me that my plan isn't stupid and won't get us all killed." His face becomes serious as he listens to me intently. I go over the details quickly and he adds a few of his own and in about fifteen minutes we've got it.

"That could work. It's... maybe a little insane and could go horribly wrong." I frown. "But it could go even better than we hoped. And what other choice do we have? At this point I'd try anything to help put an end to this."

I grimaced at his words. "You were supposed to tell me my plan was stupid and that he had a better idea."

"No, no. This is good," he reassured me. "We're going to go with it. And we don't have time for anything else." He walked away and retrieved two kids. I recognized them immediately. They were good kids, mostly. At 12 Aaron was the oldest kid in the day care. Taller than me by about two inches, outweighed me by a good amount and could be very intimidating. Since turning 12 a few weeks ago he had become even more angry and unmanageable. He argued that he didn't need a baby sitter, as he often called us. But his overprotective mother didn't listen to him. He was argumentative, loud and spent a great deal of time in Esme's office. But he was also very smart and outgoing and easily stayed clear of trouble when he wanted to. He could cause hell but as long as you knew the tricks to handling him (which I think only a small hand full of us did) he was actually a really good kid. And then there was Cody. A really sweet 9-year-old with a mop of shaggy pale blonde hair. He was tall for his age, thin and athletic. "I am not going to force you guys to do anything. I can't. And I shouldn't even offer it to you guys but what the hell," he said. The boys looked to him in shock at his cursing. "I know I told you guys to sit down, be quiet and do nothing. And especially not to think about doing anything stupid or heroic but things have changed. I need a volunteer to do something heroic, really stupid and very dangerous." Aaron's hand shot up quickly. "I thought so." Emmett chuckled. "Cody, you come with me." He motions for the small blonde to follow him.

"But I didn't volunteer," he said meekly. "I really don't feel like getting shot today, Mr. Emmett."

Emmett chuckled. "I know, me either," Emmett said leading the boy away. "That's why we get the easy job."

"So what's my job?" Aaron asked me as soon as we were alone.

"First, be quiet or you will get nothing but shot at." Aaron crossed his arms over his chest in annoyance but kept silent and focused on me. "You are getting out of here."

"What?" he shouted, his voice rising in anger. "That job blows. I thought I was going to get to do something cool."

"You're twelve. And already too old for day cares, babysitters or whatever you want to call it. Take this as an opportunity to prove that you are mature and responsible and can follow directions. Maybe then you're mom will let you stay home by yourself. And it is a cool job. You haven't even heard what it is yet," I argued. "Emily is sick and you need to get her out of here. You're the oldest and biggest and strongest and... almost the most responsible and really the only one I can trust to do this so..." Aaron didn't answer, he just continued to pout. "Look, you still run the risk of getting shot at if that makes you feel any better."

"Why are you using me? I don't care if I'm stuck here and I bet my parents don't either."

"Don't be stupid," I snapped. "Of course you're parents care. Lots of people care. And like I said, you're the oldest and smartest and least likely for things to go wrong for. Plus, you're the strongest and you're going to get as many kids out of here as possible."

"And how is that going to happen?" he asked, sounding at least a little interested now.

"I'm going to sneak some kids over to you. And you're going to leave through that back door. Cody and Emmett are going to disarm the door alarm."

"How are they going to do that without getting noticed? Your plan sounds like it sucks."

"Shut up and listen," I argued with him. "Emmett has that figured out. He says it will be easy. Something about a soccer ball. I don't know, that's not our problem. Our problem is getting you out the door with kids and no one noticing. That's our one question mark. But we will get it. I will get you the kids. They will disarm the door and give us the all clear signal. Then I'm going to provide a distraction. And when all eyes are on me. You will open that door, you will take those kids, and you will run like hell. Understand?"

"I guess." He shrugged. "But why do I get the lame job. Why can't I do something brave?"

"You are," I argue. "Do you know what would happen if you get caught. Nothing good. But I think I can trust you to do this. I don't trust anyone else. And I am going to get some serious shit for putting you in this situation. But that's why it has to be you. Because you are the only one who can pull it off. Mentally and physically. So please stop giving me a hard time and just do it. Consider it a favor. So the next time I catch you cursing or doing anything else inappropriate... I think I'll do you a favor and let it slide. Deal?"

"What the fuck," he said, already taking advantage. "Why the fuck not."

I forced a smile. "Don't take advantage of that. And don't let anyone else know our deal. Not only will I get fired for that but bribing you to put yourself in harms way may bead to jail time or something... I don't know. So please, keep this very quiet." He nodded, agreeing to my terms. "But you get the plan right?"

"Take a baby. Wait for the distraction. By the way what the fuck is the distraction?"

I waved my hands in the air. "You'll know it when you see it."

"You don't know yet, do you?"

"No. I haven't gotten that far yet. But I can think on my feet. Just make sure that it's safe before you leave."

"Yeah, sure," he agreed. "So it's just take a baby. Wait for the distraction. And run like hell." He nods as he verbally checks off the list. "Simple enough."

"And you are going to take this," I say, slipping something into the pocket of his baggy jeans. "And you will give it to Officer Swan. There is a note and several objects. Tell them to fingerprint those objects and they will have their suspects.

"But aren't there going to be a ton of fingerprints on that shit?"

"No. And please watch your language around everyone else. The only fingerprints they should find will be those assholes and the teachers. All the things I've given you are things that annoying children can't get their hands on."

"So they'll still have all the teachers fingerprints on them too. You're really not thinking this through, Miss Bella."

"Yes, I am," I snapped at the child. "By law they have all of our fingerprints on file so they will be able to eliminate those immediately. Just trust me on this one, kid."

"Fine," he nods in acquiescence.

"When you get outside don't run up along the side of the building and into the parking lot. Too many windows for you to run past and let them see you."

"But they're covered."

"They still might see your shadow and I don't want to take that chance. So run straight back, through the trees and into the middle school parking lot. DO not stop and talk to anyone. You know how to follow the sidewalk back around to the daycare parking lot or at least you should by now. I don't care who sees you or who tries to talk to you. Blow off your mom if you have to. Find Officer Swan first."

He nodded, listening to every detail. "These guys aren't dumb. What happens when they notice kids are missing?"

I bite my lip and shrugged. "I don't know. But it's better than having a dead baby. So are we ready to do this?"

XXXXX

We all stand still and silent. "Whoa!" Jasper shouts, throwing his hands up in the air as he jumps about five feet away from me. "No! That is not what's happening."

"Don't give me that!" she shouts at him.

"Ali," he steps towards her but backs off when she gives him The Look. And if you've ever met Alice, you know The Look. That look means big trouble. She may be small but she will destroy you.

"I will deal with you later," she seethes at Jasper before turning her attention to me. I should have never came. "It's you I have to have a serious talk with right now." She glides across the room gracefully and backs me into a wall. Pointing a finger into my chest she gives me The Look and I look away. "Care to explain yourself?"

"No," I say softly, meeting her hard glare. My stomach churns in unease. She stares at me a moment and I can see her anger flare as she smacks me across the cheek.

"Alice, stop it. Just let us explain." Jasper jumps in.

"No! I listened to you explain a situation to me once before and I told you I was never going to go through that again and you couldn't even make it a month?"

"That was different. This is different."

"I said I will deal with you later," Alice snaps.

"Alice," Jasper ignores her and continues to try to make things right with Alice. "Bella came to me with some things. She's going through a lot. She'll tell you." He turns to me and waits for me to explain but I just shake my head. "She told me that-"

"Don't you dare finish that!" I snap at him. "You promised that you wouldn't say a word!"

"Bella, I..." Jasper pleads.

"No!" I shout. "You stay out of it. Let me handle this."

"Bella, just tell her."

"I said, stay out of it. Now just leave us alone." He opens his mouth to respond but I begin shouting again. "Get out! Let me do this. You get out!"

"Don't talk to him like that. If anyone is going to kick him out its going to be me," she shouts, poking me in the chest. "Jasper, go check on Sam."

"No, I think that..."

"Go!" Alice and I both shout at him. She waits for him to close the door behind him before she speaks again. "You've only been ignoring me and all my calls with no explanation of any kind. You just disappear from my life. I was seriously worried about you and your complete withdrawal from society. I've been losing sleep for weeks worrying about you. What a waste of my time! You weren't ignoring me because you were having problems. You're ignoring me because you're guilty. Just look at you, you look guilty as shit! I can't believe that my best friend would fuck my husband right under my nose!"

My head snaps up and I stare at her in confusion. "Did you just call Jasper your husband?"

"Yeah!" she continues to shout full of anger. "And you would have known that if you would have been around a little more! But what does it matter anyway? It's not like this relationship is going to last. First hookers and now my best friend!"

"Alice, it's not what you think. Me and Jasper were just talking."

"That was not just talking. There were hugs and looks and touching."

"It was a very emotional moment. And I really can't explain the rest right now. You're just going to have to trust me.

"I wish I could, Bella."

I try to think of something to say to Alice to make everything go away. To explain my absence in her life. To explain why I needed to talk to Jasper first. But I simply can't find the words. "Alice, I..." but I don't know where to go with it. "Please..." Again, I have nothing to follow.

The heavy uneasiness in my stomach mounts and multiplies and rumbles. I glance at the clock behind Alice. Right on time. It's not unease that fills my stomach. It's the strong urge to vomit. I rush past Alice and down the familiar hall and make it to the bathroom just in time. When I'm done, I flush and wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. I sit on the floor and curl my legs to my chest and stare into the hall where they both stand. "I'm pregnant."

Her rage intensifies tenfold. Her lips purse into a thin straight line and her face goes bright red. "Oh my god," she almost cries. "How long has this been going on?"

"It's not Jasper's," I say quietly, my voice scratchy. "You don't have to worry. We're not fucking. We never have. We've never been close to that and we never will."

She studies my face intently. "I believe you," she concedes. "You could never lie to me." She sighs heavily. "Then what is going on?" she asks, crawling to sit beside me. "I want to make sense of it all but I can't. My mind has been going a million miles an hour trying to figure you out." We sit in silence for a moment. "Are you really pregnant?"

"Yeah."

"And its really not Jasper's?" I nod. "So then you and Jacob..."

"We broke up this morning." Was that only this morning? It already feels like forever ago.

"Because of the baby?"

"No," I respond flatly. "It's not his baby either."

"Well, shit," she curses absentmindedly. "Sweetie, we've really been holding out on each other."

"Yeah." I laugh softly.

She rests her hand on my knee. "I think it's time you and I have a nice long talk."


	11. 11: I Gave You All

**Chapter 11**

**I Gave You All**

Alice stood and offered me her hand, helping me to my feet. "I was going to offer you a drink, it looks like you could use it, but I guess that's a little inappropriate right now." I nod in agreement. "I'll make us some coffee I bet this is going to be one of our marathon conversations," she says as she walks to the kitchen.

"Decaf?" I ask as I follow her.

"Fuck!" she curses. "This is going to take some getting used to. Ice cream?"

"Perfect."

I sat at the table and watched her scoop out two full bowls of ice cream and slide one across the table to me. "So you're pregnant," she says to start our conversation.

"Yeah. So you're married."

"Yeah, I guess we've both been keeping secrets, huh?" We paused for a moment. But finally Alice interrupted the silence. "I don't even know where to start. So much shit went down. People died. People I knew, they were murdered. I watched it happen. And the end, when we got out... it was so confusing. I didn't know what happened. You were there, I don't have to tell you. But while we're in there we think that as soon as we get out we can go back to our normal lives. And it wasn't like that was it? We were all in the hospital for one reason or another. There were funerals to attend. And no matter what I tried I couldn't do it. I just couldn't go back to life without remembering it all." She paused to look at her melting ice cream and take a bite. "Jazz had a hard time, he didn't know what to tell Sam. So he freaked out and left." She sniffled as she held back the tears. "I freaked out and had a meltdown. I had already been through so much and then the love of my life just leaves. He walked away without even hardly saying goodbye. I get it now. He explained it and everything but at the time all I knew was that I was alone. And I was scared. And I lost it. I was bat shit crazy. I was pretty much catatonic. Carlisle forced me into a mental hospital." She paused again for another soupy spoonful of ice cream. "I just kept thinking about all the bad things. Almost everyone was in a hospital. Edward was shot. Emmett was fucking almost dead. Jazz was gone. And you, Bella, you were almost killed like every five minutes. Everyone and everything fell apart, me included."

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

Alice ignored me and continued her story. "We all had to have our rude awakening. Jazz had his in the arms of some prostitute. I had mine when I woke up in a drug induced haze in the mental wing of a hospital. We both realized the same thing separately, it sucked but it was over and we were alive. And we didn't want to waste that. There were others that weren't so lucky. How mad were they as they watched us waste our lives like that? I went to therapy and it helped, I was released. Jasper came back and everything came together just right. We didn't want to waste another second of our lives. We rushed to get married. I always planned this huge elaborate wedding but I couldn't dream of anything better than what we got. It was just us and Sam and that was all that really mattered. Our families weren't the happiest to be left out but they were happy for us. And sometimes life still sucks. I'm never going to forget. It's never going to be easy. But its easier this way." She stopped there.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you."

She wiped away the tears that had fallen. "You had your own shit. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you."

"Did Edward tell you I was living with him?" Alice nodded. "I needed to get away. Charlie is great but he's a cop and he's thinking like a cop. He just can't look at me the same anymore. And Jake... I couldn't deal with him anymore. I wanted to get away but I didn't know where to go. It won't last long. Just until I can figure out... I don't even know. I just can't figure anything out right now. I'm worried about Emmett and everyone else. I shut everyone out and everything I've learned about it... everyone is dealing with some heavy shit. So I'm feeling so guilty. But then I'm so consumed with this baby thing. I can't figure that out. What do people in these situations do?"

"I don't know, baby," she said, grabbing my hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze.

"I never thought about kids. I knew I wasn't ready yet. Me and Jake took precautions. And then... I'm taken hostage and almost every decision then over three days was made by one of three people. They took complete control of every aspect of my life. I didn't have a say anymore. They took control of me... of all of us. But now... It's kind of still happening for me. They took control of my body and I didn't get it back. I have to share it. And then I'll have to share my life. And it wasn't my choice."

"It's not fair."

"No. And I don't know what to do."

"You'll figure it out."

"I don't want to figure it out. I just want my life back."

"This is your life now. There is no going back to the way it was before. We all tried and we all failed. There was the life before the incident and now there is life in the aftermath. You can do everything the same but you won't ever be the same again. And that's the honest to god awful truth." She's right and I know it. But it doesn't make it any easier to hear.

Alice and I talked for a little longer before we finally hugged and called it a night. She walked me to the door. "Call me tomorrow. We still have so much to talk about." I nodded in response. "Please don't be a stranger." I nodded again. "Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me."

"Yes, I do. You... Just thank you. And I'm sorry." I turned around to ask her for what but I could tell from the look on her face that the conversation was over for now. I offered her a weak and halfhearted smile before I made my way back to my truck. And I nearly had a heart attack when I climbed in only to find Jasper sitting in the passengers seat.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I cursed as my heart slowly began to settle to a normal beating.

"I thought now would be a good time to finish our conversation. I sneaked out of Sam's window after he fell asleep. Did you really think I was going to leave it on that note? So you and Alice patched things up?"

"Yes," I responded to both questions. "Alice no longer thinks we're fucking."

"Did you tell her it's because you're fucking Edward?"

My heart again began to race. "I am not fucking Edward."

"Then how the hell did you end up pregnant with his kid?"

I looked away from him and pouted. "It's not what you'd think. Fuck! I shouldn't have told you. Just let it go. Please let it go."

He ignored my pleadings. "So you and Edward... this has been going on for a long time?" he questioned me uneasily. "Both of you cheating on your significant others and all of that. I didn't peg you for the type. Edward either for that matter."

"I told you, it's not like that."

"Then what is it like?"

"I can't tell you."

"Can't or won't?" he practically screamed at me. I ignored him again. "Was it before or after?" I continued to ignore him. "Is that why you've moved in with him? Does he know? Does Tanya know?"

"No one knows. Only you. And it's going to stay that way."

"So now you don't want to be a home wreaking whore."

I lost my temper and smacked him across the face. "You have no idea what you're talking about. Get the fuck our of my car!"

"Bella, I'm sorry," he apologized. "I didn't really mean it like that. But... he has a family. Tanya and Raena."

"I know that," I wiped away the tear that had slipped from the corner of my eye. "I didn't want this."

"Then why'd you do it?

"I can't explain it. It's so complicated. I'm not a bad person. I never meant to hurt anyone. I didn't intend on this. That's why I'm keeping it a secret."

"Don't you think he's going to find out? If this all happened before and you tell people it's not Jake's, he's not stupid he can do the math. How long can this have been going on for, Bella? I never thought that he was the type. Jesus fuck!"

I shook my head. "He's not going to find out," I spoke adamantly. "You're going to keep your mouth shut. Because you know nothing about it. It was a one time thing. And you know nothing about it. So just drop it. Forget all about it."

"Bella," Jasper argued.

"No." I shook my head. "No, you don't get to do this. You don't get to argue or have an opinion. Because you don't know."

"Do you love him?" Jasper asked and I sucked in my lower lip, eyes falling to the floor. "Don't get me wrong. You're great and it's not that I don't like you and all but please don't be stupid about this. Edward…Tanya…Raena…He already has one family. And he's happy. At least I think so. I thought so," Jasper stuttered trying to find the right way to say it. "Shit!"

I sighed heavily. "It-it didn't happen before."

Jasper arched an eyebrow. "After?" I slowly shook my head. "Well, what the fuck does that mean?" I lowered my gaze and a small sob escaped me. I could hear him gasp as the realization set in. "While we were there? That explains a lot, I guess. How did…Didn't…How did you two get alone?"

"I'm going to pretend like you didn't ask that. Because I'm done. That's all I have to say about this right now." I noticed the look on his face. He was silently begging me for more information. And it wasn't because he was selfish and wanted to know it was because he truly became a great friend to me. He knew that he had somehow become my confidant and was willing to be the listening ear and shoulder to cry on. He knew that I needed to talk to someone. But he needed to know that I wasn't ready yet. "I'm sorry. But please, can't I just give out one secret at a time? Please be patient with me. Baby steps. I just need to take baby steps. This is so impossibly hard for me. You have no idea."

Jasper nodded and remained silent. "Should we do lunch tomorrow?"

"Don't push. I need time. I'll call you."

"Promise?"

I nodded. "You won't say anything?"

"Not yet," Jasper said as he hopped from the cab of my truck.

"Thank you," I said as he closed the truck door and disappeared into the darkness.

XXXXX

It was now or never time. We didn't tell anyone what the plan was. The less that knew the better. The plan was set all we had to do now was to set it all into action and pray for the best. Emmett and Cody were set up and waiting for my signal. Aaron was ready to grab some kids and run. And I was ready to provide the distraction.

I nodded at Emmett and he nodded back, and so it was set in motion. I waited and watched as Emmett and Cody skillfully kicked around the soccer ball, it only took about three kicks and thirty seconds for Cody to kick the ball at the small button and disarm the door alarm. And thank God for that because it got Omnis' attention immediately. She took four long strides towards them. "Put it away. This is no time to play." Emmett immediately backed off, picking up the ball.

Sorry, won't happen again," he apologized as he held the ball. She rolled her eyes at him and returned to her post in front of the hall.

And now I was on. I turned my back on the action and began my walk to the other side of the gym. But before I could make it to Nemo, Edward appeared in front of me. "Let it go," he whispered to me.

"Not now," I insisted as I brushed past him.

He grabbed hold of my arm and turned me towards him. "Bella, let it go. You're not going to change his mind."

"I don't care if I change his mind but I at least have to try."

"Bella, you're going to get yourself killed." I ignored him and again began to walk towards Nemo. "Bella, stop!"

I turned around and gave him my most menacing glare. I didn't have time for his bull. There was a distraction that I needed to provide. "I don't have time for this." He grabbed my wrist again and I again tried to pull away but he tightened his grip. I had officially lost my patience with him. "I mean it, Edward! Back the fuck off!" I screamed so loudly that my voice echoed through the gym. I bit my lip nervously as I felt every pair of eyes settle on me. Well, I suppose this could work as a distraction too. I'd just have to ad lib a little bit.

"Well, it looks like little miss perfect finally lost her shit," Nemo said as he approached us.

"You have to let her go. Think of it as a sign of good faith. The police will be willing to cooperate with you if you show a little sympathy," I pleaded.

"Darling," he spoke with a laugh. "If I gave a damn about the police, don't you think I'd have made contact with them already?"

"I'm not letting her die," I announced in another echoing scream. I took a deep breath and began to walk towards the infants.

He laughed again as he watched me. "And what do you think your going to do about it?" I ignored him and kept my quick pace. "Honestly, sweetie, you think you can just walk out the front door with her?"

"Something like that," I said as I reached into the crib and picked up the limp swaddled body.

"You're crazy," he called as he chased me. "Put her down and get back over here." I ignored him. "Do you think I'm just going to let you leave?" he shouted as I heard his footsteps quicken behind me. "Get the fuck back here!"

"Bella, stop!" Edward called and took a step forward before Nehil grabbed him and held him place. "He will kill you." I heard him cry in pain as Nehil hit him.

My pace slowed as I came to the hallway I stared at Omnis, her gun trained on me. "Stand down. Let me handle this," Nemo called to her as he approached me from behind. I waited until he was right behind me before I took off running. I didn't even get halfway up the hallway before I was tackled from behind. The blanket flew from my arms and landed six inches to my right. Nemo laid on top of me, crushing me and limiting my breathing. "Is it worth dying over?" he whispered in my ear as he sat up, pressing his knees deeper in my back.

"Yes," I responded breathlessly as he eased the pressure on me and rolled me over to face him.

"Stupid little girl," he said as he threw his head back and laughed. I took the opportunity to throw him from me and reach for the blankets and scramble to my feet again trying to run. But he grabbed me from behind and lifted me from the ground. I kicked and screamed and did everything in my power to break away from him but he held me tightly. He carried me down the hallway and I stilled. "Stupid, stupid girl. Do you have any idea what you've done?"

"Yes," I said softly. Nemo ripped the blankets from my hand and threw it to the floor, aimed his gun and pulled the trigger three times. Nemo had an angry grin on his face, seemingly satisfied that he got to end another life with his gun. The room erupted into a loud chorus of heard shrieks and screams and sobs but I remained calm. I watched his angry grin fall away when his eyes settled on my stoic face.

Nemo looked to his feet to the bullet ridden blanket. "Where's the blood?" his voice was soft as he tore open the blankets. "Where is the fucking blood?" He screamed in pure rage as he finally found the only thing swaddled in the blanket was a baby doll.

He rose to his feet in an instant and pointed his gun right between my eyes. I could feel the cold metal shaft on my flesh as he pulled back the hammer. "I told you I wouldn't let you kill her."

XXXXX

When I got back to Edward's house it was completely dark. I hadn't realized how long I had been with Alice and Jasper. I cursed myself for being out so late and now being locked out. Now I would have to come face to face with either Edward or Tanya, the two people that I had no desire to see at the moment. But at least one prayer was answered when I tried the front door to find it unlocked. Not safe but at least it spared me a conversation. I locked it behind me and tiptoed through the house. I used nothing but the light of my cell phone to illuminate my way, I didn't want to take any chances at waking anyone. I was silent until I reached my room and turned on the light to find Edward asleep in my bed. I let out a loud gasp that woke him. "Hey," he said through a sleepy yawn as he jumped from the bed. "Where have you been?"

"Out," I responded softly as I kicked off my shoes. "I had things and stuff..."

"I was worried."

"You don't need to worry about me," I said, shrugging off my coat.

"But you've been acting so strangely."

I couldn't help but laugh at him. "And how would you know? You barely know me. We spent three days together but that doesn't mean shit. No one was acting like themselves in there. And no one is acting like themselves now either. We all changed. And how could you not? We're all fucked up and nothing is going to change that."

"Bella, it's more than that. I know you better than you give me credit for."

"If you know me so well then tell me what it is. What is my problem? Because I would _love _to know what you think!"

"Please stop shouting," he commanded me. "I don't want you to wake anyone."

"You're such an ass. You can't play this both ways, Edward. You don't get to do this to me. You don't get to keep me here like this, like some dirty fucking secret right under everyone's noses. You said things and did things in there and now... did you ever mean any of it? Or was it all bullshit because you thought you wouldn't have to deal with it? Were you planning on them killing me? Do you regret that I lived?"

"Jesus, Bella!" He shouted at me. "How can you say that?"

"What else am I supposed to think? I get that we all changed in there we saw things that we never wanted to and it changed us. But it didn't make us liars. You said... you promised... You lied! Everything you said in there was a fucking lie. And like the idiot I am, I fell for it."

"It's not like that! You have no idea what its like-"

And with those words I completely lost it. "_I_ have no idea what its like?" My voice was loud enough to wake the neighbors and the tears fell fast in my hysterical sobs. "I have no idea what it's _fucking _like? Do you even hear yourself? You have the most perfect life. You're marrying the perfect woman with the perfect child. You get a happily ever after. You know what I get? I get a bastard fucking baby. And what do I get to say to him or her when they ask about their father? That I was raped? That I never wanted this? That for months I hated the very idea of having this child? I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. I have no idea how I'm going to afford this. I don't want to go back to work, I'm scared shitless but I have no choice do I? I can't live with you forever and ruin your fucking picture perfect life."

Edward approached me and opened his arms, welcoming me into a hug but I quickly backed away from him. "I don't want your fake sympathy," I said pushing him away from me. "I'm leaving in the morning. I can't do this."

"I wish you wouldn't," Tanya's soft voice filled the room. "You just got here."

I backed myself into a corner. "I'm sorry I woke you. I shouldn't have been shouting. I'll leave now."

"No," she insisted as she walked into the room. "It's late. You're exhausted. I won't let you drive like this. And I'm certainly not letting you leave all because Edward is being an asshole." He opened his mouth to defend himself but she instantly silenced him. "Edward, go check on Raena see if all the shouting woke her." He again opened his mouth but Tanya ignored him. "Please leave us alone. I think this is a girls moment."

"Tanya, no offense," he finally spoke. "But I don't think you'll be able to help much. You don't even know-"

She interrupted him. "Edward, no offense but you haven't exactly been helping much so maybe you should leave the poor girl alone." Edward shut his mouth and stalked out of the room. "Do you still want me to be not so nice to you?" Tanya asked with a soft laugh. I shook my head. I don't think she is even capable of being mean to anyone. There doesn't seem to be a mean bone in her body. She closed the distance between us and wrapped her arms around me. "I can tell you've had a long day and have no desire to talk. So why don't you let me get us some chocolate pudding and we'll have a good cry." She was so nice. I hated the fact that I was expecting something different from her before we had met. I hated that I had somehow fallen in love with her fiancee. I hated that she was so nice to me. If only she knew the truth. I don't think she'd be as nice and forgiving as she seems to be right now.

"Forget the pudding," I said between sobs.

She laughed and sat us down on the bed without loosening her hug. "Then let's just have a good cry." And I did. I cried myself to sleep in her arms.


	12. 12: When There's A Gun in Your Hand

**Chapter 12**

**It's Hard to be a Man When There's a Gun in Your Hand**

I had cried myself to sleep in Tanya's arms and that is exactly where I woke in the morning. She spent the night with me, cuddling together on the twin sized bed. I shifted carefully and slowly, trying not to disturb her but from the awkward position I slept in everything ached. "Oh good, you're up," Tanya spoke softly as I finally settled and opened my eyes. "I lost feeling in my left arm awhile ago and it was driving me crazy."

"You didn't have to stay," I said through a yawn as I sat up.

"I know I didn't have to," Tanya spoke softly as she stretched. "But I thought it might help."

"Thank you." I offered her a small smile.

She got to her feet and continued to stretch as she spoke. "I decided to take the day off."

"That will be good for you."

"It's not for me. It's for you. Us, really."

"Oh," I sighed. Why can't she just let me hate her? "I don't... You don't..."

"Just shut up and let me do this," she snapped at me. I bit my lip to keep myself quiet. "I'm going to get Raena up and ready then we are going to spend the day together. And please don't protest. We both could use this girls day out. You're welcome to the shower. I'll wait for you downstairs." Even if I could protest she didn't allow me the time. She bolted out the door and I was left alone.

I took my time getting ready. My shower was so long that the water ran cold when I was done. I tried on three pairs of pants before I finally settled on a pair of elastic waisted sweat pants. It seems like the baby decided to pop out over night. Not enough for most people to notice. But enough to make me look a little fat and unable to button a single pair of my pants comfortably.

It was almost an hour by the time I finally walked down the steps. Tanya and Raena were reclining on the sofa watching an episode of SpongeBob. "I'll wait if you're in the middle of something," I said softly. I was looking for any excuse to get out of this.

"Nonsense," Tanya exclaimed. "I think we've seen every episode of this stupid show anyway."

"Stupid is a bad word, Mom," Raena shouted as Tanya helped her into her coat. "And actually SpongeBob is funny. Not stupid."

Tanya exhaled heavily and shrugged into her jacket. "I'm sorry I said it was stupid," Tanya replied.

"Don't say it to me. You better say it to SpongeBob," Raena said as she walked to the door.

Tanya forced a smile. "Sure thing. The next time I see him."

I walked to my truck but Tanya cut me off. "Ride with us. We'll be able to talk more." I sighed and climbed into Tanya's black SUV. Tanya got Raena strapped in and started her car. "If you don't mind, I think it would be easier if it was just the two of us."

"Of course," I agreed. "Why would I mind?"

"Well," Tanya began but quickly stalled. "I was thinking of dropping her off at the day care." There was a long moment of silence between us. "I would understand it if you didn't want to..."

"No," I cut her off as I turned to look out the passenger side window. "It's fine." We made the rest of the drive in silence.

As soon as we were in the parking lot I could feel my pulse quicken. It wasn't a full on panic attack like it had been in the past so at least there was a marginal improvement. "I'll be right back," Tanya assured me as she opened her door.

"Why don't you work here any more, Miss Bella?" Raena asked as Tanya unbuckled her seatbelt. "I miss you. We have new teachers now and they're not as nice as you were. I hear the babies crying all day. I think they miss you too. You should come back."

I opened my mouth to respond but I really had no idea what to say. "Let's go, Rae," Tanya said, helping her child from the car. "Miss Bella is busy doing other things right now," she said as she closed the door. I felt tears sting in my eyes but I held them back. I was so sick of crying. I looked around the parking lot. Esme's car wasn't there. In fact, I didn't recognize any car here other than Alice's. I looked toward the building. The look hadn't changed much. A new coat of paint. Some window's were replaced but no one would notice that. The curtains were mostly drawn. The entire outside of the building and parking lot were covered with surveillance cameras and the inside was probably too. But the atmosphere around it was completely different. The air was thick and heavy. And it was quiet. Children are never quiet. Not even during nap time. There were still radios and televisions and crying children. And now all I noticed was silence.

"Sorry," Tanya said opening her car door and pulling me from my thoughts. "I thought we could spend the day in Port Angeles doing some shopping? Maybe even a manicure or something?"

"Yeah, sure," I agreed.

"But first how about some breakfast?"

I wanted to protest but my rumbling stomach wouldn't let me. We pulled into the only diner in Forks that served breakfast. The waitress came over immediately and started to pour us coffee. I covered my cup with my hand and smiled at her. "Orange juice please."

I watched Tanya sip at her coffee. I miss coffee. And decaf sucks. I would rather just skip the coffee at all than drink any of that decaf shit. The waitress returned quickly with my juice and took our order each of us going for the veggie omelett.

"I think you should reconsider," Tanya said interrupting the silence that had fallen on our table.

I looked at her and blinked a few times. Where did that proclamation come from? "Reconsider what?"

"Moving."

"Oh," I sighed. "Yeah. I know it's been-"

"No excuses," Tanya said, cutting me off. "I know that you and Edward aren't getting along or whatever. You are doing some kind of fighting sibling thing. And I'm sure there are reasons. And I am well aware that you don't like to talk about those things. But that doesn't mean you have to run away. Right here and now you have a lot of people who understand what you've been through. And we all want to help you. You just have to let us."

I ground my teeth together. "I know but I can do this on my own."

"No you can't. I mean, you could. But why? You aren't meant to live life on your own."

"I won't be on my own. I was thinking of going to Florida with my mom. Staying with her until I can get my feet back on the ground."

"You can do that here. With your friends. They all are just waiting for you to ask. No one knows what to do for you. I'm trying. You keep pushing me away but I don't want you to push me away. I want to be there for you because... I have two sisters and now it feels like I have a third. I know we hardly know each other but I feel like we know each other a lot better than we do. So don't push me away. Let me be your friend. Let me help you."

I stared at her for a solid thirty seconds with out saying anything. Why does she have to be so likeable? The one person in my life that I wanted to hate before I even met them and she makes it damn near impossible. "Why are you so nice to me?"

Tanya laughed loudly. "Why do you always act surprised when people are nice to you?" I shrugged as she moved on. "I might now know you very well personally but a lot of people I know do and they all speak very highly of you. And beside that. You saved my daughter's life. You saved my finacee's life. I owe you so much for that. How could I ever be anything but nice to you?"

If only she knew.

There was a short pause where I should have responded but I didn't have anything to say. So instead Tanya flashed me another winning smile. "Please tell me that you're going to stay." Again she paused for me to say something but I didn't. "Please," she almost begged. "At least consider it." I nodded slowly. I knew that if I didn't, I would never hear the end of it. "Perfect!" she shouted.

Our conversation halted as our omelets were delivered. But of course Tanya couldn't just enjoy her meal in silence. "Edward has asked me to back off with you but I just can't. You've done so much for me. You saved the lives of the two most important people in my life. And I'm going to do whatever I can to pay you back for that."

"Oh," I sighed. "You don't really need to do that."

"Please, Bella. I know what it's like to be a single mom, scared out of your mind. And I can't even imagine what it's like considering... your unique circumstances. So I want you to know that. I'm here for you. We're here for you. In everyway possible. You need a place for the both of you to stay? I can get some builders in to remodel the garage into a place for you and the baby. You need a babysitter. I'll be happy to help. You need anything at all and I will help. We will help."

My stomach twisted into knots but this time it wasn't from the morning sickness. "I couldn't ask you to do that."

She smiled and laughed again. "You don't have to ask. I know that if you didn't do what you did for my family maybe some of those bad things wouldn't have happened to you. So please let me do this." Her smile faded slightly and I found myself speechless again. But as quickly as I had seen it fall, she replaced the smile with an even bigger one. "I went up into the attic this morning and pulled down some of Raena's old things. It's one of those mommy things where you feel the need to keep everything because you are sentimental at the time but it really isn't doing any good collecting dust in the attic. So I would like to show them to you when we get home. I would like you to have them." She stopped and met my eyes, this time it looked like she was demanding some kind of a response. My mind was blank but luckily my thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of my phone. And because it was Charlie I apologized to Tanya and answered.

"You didn't call me yesterday," he chastised.

"I know. I'm sorry. I went to see Jasper and Alice. I was out late and didn't want to call."

"It's good to hear you going out with your friends again." I could hear the happiness in his voice. He thought that things were going back to normal. And I couldn't burst his bubble just yet. There would be time for that later. "So... how are you doing?"

"I'm okay," I said softy.

"I know you need your space, Bells but when are you coming home. It's awful quiet around here without you." I felt my heart sink. I was hurting Charlie now. He sounded so depressed and lonely.

I took a deep breath before responding. "I don't know."

"Okay. But stop by and visit whenever you want. I'll even cook you dinner. Or take you out to the diner. That would probably be safer. My kitchen skills are kind of... limited."

Yeah, sure. That sounds nice."

"And you can get your mail then too. Your lawyer, Mr. Jenks sent you something in the mail and he's been calling for you a lot. He sounded kind of... It sounded important so I kind of broke the law and opened the package. I think he got your file mixed up with someone else's because this just doesn't make sense."

"Oh?" It came out as a question even if I didn't want to know the answer.

"Something about a court order for a DNA sample for paternity testing. I tried to call him be he refused to discuss it with me. Just call him so you can get..." Charlie kept talking but I stopped listening. A bone chilling terror rippled through me. My breathing hitched and my heart started racing faster than it had ever before. I knew the paternity of the baby even if I didn't want to. But why would anyone else want to know? I tried desperately to find a solution. I even paused a second to pray that Charlie was right and Mr. Jenks just messed up the paperwork. But mostly I just sat in a stupor and prayed that I would spontaneously combust on the uncomfortable vinyl booth seat.I don't know how long I stayed rooted in place like that but when I finally snapped out of it Charlie was still rambling. Very unlike him. He was normally a man of few words.

"I have to go," I said just above a whisper for both him and Tanya to hear. I ended the call with my father and looked to Tanya. "I'm sorry but I have to go. You need to take me back to my truck. I have to go."

"Want to talk about it?"

"No." I was surprised at how even my voice was considering I was three seconds away from having a break down. "Not even close." She nodded, reached for her purse and left a wad of cash on the table before walking out the diner with me.

XXXXX

Instead of shooting me Nemo struck me with the gun. And he didn't hold back. For a moment I saw stars and then there was a soft ringing in my ears. All of that was followed by a lot of pain and the taste of blood in my mouth. "Stupid fucking bitch," he growled as he paced back and forth. "You think you're smarter than me?" He jerked me to my feet. "Little miss perfect is going to out smart me?" He dragged me down the hall and back into the gym. "You had your fun. Now it's time for me to have some fun to." I heard the gun cock again. "Was it worth this?" I closed my eyes tightly before I heard the gunshot. I waited for the pain but it never came. I opened my eyes when I heard the screams echo through the gym. I watched it rain down red on the small group of 4 and 5 year olds. Lauren collapsed to her knees, a small spot of red on her shoulder growing quickly.

I stumbled forward a few steps before I was jerked back quickly. I struggled against Nemo's strong arms as he pulled my back up against his chest. He held me so tight against him that I wasn't able to move, I could hardly breathe. "I need to help her," I said as I continued to struggle and try to free myself.

He let out a low laugh as he lifted my feet from the ground. "No," his voice was flat yet harsh. He kept my feet off the ground as he walked us forward. With each step the screams got louder. The children shrieked and looked at Lauren in horror. The faculty did their best to quiet their cries as tears streamed down their faces. And then there was the bone chilling scream from Lauren herself. Jessica ushered all of the 4 and 5 year olds towards her group of three's, father away from Lauren.

I tried to fight against Nemo but it was no use. His anger made him stronger than my fear. He carried me all the way to Lauren's feet before he finally set my feet back on the floor. "Look at her!" he screamed. As much as I didn't want to listen to his demands I couldn't help it. Lauren was lying on her back, her hand placed over the wound on her left shoulder, blood flowing between the cracks in her fingers. A string of obscenities left her lips as she kicked her feet wildly into the floor. "You keep your eyes open and watch this," he growled into my ear as he lifted his leg and dropped the heel of his shoe onto Lauren's shoulder. She cried out again in pain and her face went unnaturally pale almost instantly. "I want you to watch her suffer. I want you to see her die. And I want you to know that it is all your fault." He brought his heel down on her shoulder over and over again. Nemo tightened his grip on me and pulled out his gun again. He held the gun in front of my face and aimed it at Lauren. He then took hold of my hands and placed the gun in them, pinning my finger on the trigger with his own. "Look into her eyes as you pull the trigger and let those eyes haunt you forever."

"No!" I screamed and shook my head violently as I struggled against his strong grip. But the harder I struggled the harder his hold on me became. And in my struggles I felt the gun kick back and the shot ring out loud enough to make my ears ring. My eyes went wide as I stared at Lauren who stared blankly back at me. The shot had went wild out in front of me and buried deep into the wall a mere four inches to the left of Emmett's head.

"You better settle down before you end up killing anyone else," Nemo laughed. I lost all the energy I had to fight him and my body went limp other than the uncontrollable nervous shake of my body and the heavy hyperventilating. "That's a good girl," he cooed into my ear. "Let's just get this over with so we can all move on." I shook my head no. I couldn't watch anyone else die, especially when it was my finger on the trigger. "No," he said flatly. "You've been a very bad girl and you need to be punished." He leveled the gun to Lauren again. His finger gently pressed mine a little harder against the cool metal of the trigger. He kept slowly increasing the pressure on my finger drawing the process out as long as he could until finally the gun in my hand discharged. The bullet struck Lauren in the chest. Her eyes grew wide in shock and never closed again.

"I hope that you've learned your lesson. Now maybe you will be a good little girl and do as your told." He held me in place another minute more as I stared down at Lauren's lifeless body. He slowly released his grip on me and I stayed rooted in place. "Come on now," he said tugging on my hand. "We have more work to do." My feet shuffled and dragged on the floor as I blindly followed him.

Before Nemo could drag me into the utility closet Edward stepped in front of him, blocking him. "Let her go," Edward demanded softly.

"Out of the way."

"No," Edward's voice grew louder and more defiant. "You've had your fun with her. She learned her lesson. Now please let her go."

"Get out of my way," Nemo demanded again. Edward crossed his arms in front of his chest and stood his ground. "Then I guess it's your turn to learn a lesson." Nemo pushed Edward forward into the closet, we came in next, followed by Nehil. The door slammed shut behind us and we stood in a heavy silence for a moment before Nemo pushed me to Nehil. "She's all yours."

"What?" Edward shrieked. "She's been through enough!"

"Oh, this has nothing to do with her," Nemo laughed. "This is for you. This is going to happen to her because of you. You should listen when I give my demands."

"If this has nothing to do with her, let her go. If you want to hurt someone hurt me!"

Nemo laughed again. "I have a feeling this is going to hurt you more than it will hurt her anyway. I think we've stumbled onto something good here. Beating you won't teach you a lesson, just like it wouldn't for her. But look what happened when I hurt someone else because of a mistake she made. I think she learned her lesson. Now it's your turn." Nemo grabbed Edward from behind and held him in place, same as he had for me only minutes earlier. "I want you to watch. And remember that everything that happens here is because of you."

My body tensed as Nehil rested his hand on my stomach and pulled me back against him. "I think I'm going to like having your boyfriend watch me hurt you. It's got me very excited as I'm sure you can see."

XXXXX

"Is there something I can do?" Tanya asked.

"Yeah!" I snapped. "You can shut up and leave me alone." I closed my eyes and rested my head in my hands. "I'm sorry," I apologized meekly. "I keep doing that to you and you don't deserve it. I just... I need some space. The shit is really hitting the fan here."

"I understand," Tanya responded softly. "Just know that I'm always here if you need to talk or anything."

"No," I said loudly as I shook my head. "Not this. I can't. Not with you."

She nodded and pulled into the drive. "I'm sorry, Bella."

I didn't respond as I jumped from her car and went immediately into my truck. I dialed Mr. Jenks and prayed he would be able to take my call. After ten minutes on hold he finally picked up. "I'm so glad you called, Bella."

"Stop with the small talk and tell me what the hell is going on with the court ordered paternity test?"

"Oh, well it's really standard procedure for the trial."

"What does my babies paternity have to do with the kidnapping and murder charges against James?"

"It's for the rape charges."

"I didn't file any rape charges, Jenks."

"I know. It's the state."

"Fuck the state. I don't want to do it."

"It's something that needs to be done before things can move forward. Prove the paternity of the child for the legal aspect of it. Depending on the child's paternity you will be awarded funds for the child, either child support or an inheritance or social security. The appropriate funds can be acquired and set aside for the child."

"I don't want anything but for this mess to go away!"

"I know it's difficult to understand but..."

"But nothing. I'm not doing it."

There was a sigh and a short pause. "You don't have a choice. It's a court order."

"Well get rid of it!"

"I will see what I can do but I don't think there is anything to be done. If you don't submit for this a warrant for your arrest will be issued and the police will bring you in and fit will forcibly be done for you."

"I need you to get rid of it. I don't care who the father is. I don't want anything from him. Get rid of it!" I shouted into my cell before hanging up.


	13. 13: Keep My Distance

**Chapter 13**

**Keep My Distance**

It took a long time for me to settle down enough to drive. And when I started my truck I couldn't think of a single place to go. I needed to get away but I didn't know where to. So I found myself sitting in the daycare parking lot, starting at the building that despite its bright colors and lively decorations, seemed so haunting to me now. It wasn't a happy place to leave your children for a few hours while you went to work. It was a place where I had witnessed people die. A place where I had killed people. A place I was held against my will and forced to do so many things that I never imagined. I may not have died inside those four walls but my life was taken away from me inside there and I'm never going to be able to get it back.

I noticed movement from inside and watched as Alice walked past the window with a child in her arms. She had a smile on her face as she spoke to the infant. Jealousy boiled over inside of me. I with that could be me. But at this time, I still don't know how I will ever be able to go back again. The idea of caring for children makes me a little nervous. How I will be able to raise a child is beyond me.

I got out of my truck and walked inside the building. I ignored the girl at the desk and entered my code into the keypad only to be denied. "Can't I help you?" She asked, rushing from the desk and to the other side of the door.

"I need in and my code doesn't work," I insisted as I tried and failed again.

"Well, why don't you start out by telling me who you are and what I can do for you?" She opened the door and smiled at me.

"I work here," I said as I started to brush past her. She took a step back and started to close the door in my face.

"Oh," she sighed. "I don't remember..."

I sighed. "I used to. I haven't been around in a while. I-I was here when..." I looked away from her. "I just need to get in."

"I'm sorry the code has been changed. And I have some very strict orders to..." she shut the door in my face.

"Alice!" I screamed interrupting the girl. "Alice!"

"Please, miss," the girl reappeared at the desk and tried to quiet me. "How about I call her?" She picked up the phone and a minute later Alice was opening the door.

"Good to see you again, Bella," Alice said. "Are you here to come back to work. Esme has been taking some time off recently but I have started taking over all the office work anyway so I can..."

"Oh, I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet. I just... I don't know. I keep trying."

"Ok. I have to get back to work but do whatever you need."

"How do you do it?" I asked her, completely in awe of how put together she was.

She smiled sweetly. "It's just one foot in front of the other, like it always was. Sometimes it's easy. Sometime's it's hard. But you have to do it all the same." She walked away and left the door open for me.

I took two steps forward and froze. The lobby was warm and welcoming. I saw no horrors here but the moment I crossed that threshold to the rest of the building all bets were off. I forced my feet to take another step and I felt my hands begin to shake. But I came this far and I need to continue. I closed the door behind me, keeping the building secure. I stared down the long hallway and felt all the blood drain from my face. That was the hallway I raced up with the baby doll, where I was sure Nemo was going to kill me.

My feet carried me down the hall to the gym. I looked around at the room that was my prison cell for days and I felt a full panic attack begin to happen. I raced into the bathrooms and threw up then I began to cry.

XXXXX

Edward and I were thrown out of the utility closet and back into the gym at the same time. "Are you okay?" he asked me immediately. I ignored him and grabbed at the pile of clothes at my feet. My hands were shaking so violently I couldn't grab ahold of a single thing. "Bella, talk to me. Are you hurt? Are you okay? Did he hurt you?"

"Of course he hurt me!" I screamed. "You were watching weren't you?" My hands continued to shake while I grasped the T-shirt from the pile only to drop it again. "Fuck!"

"Bella, talk to me," Edward insisted, his voice uneven as if he were about to cry. What did he have to cry about? All he had to do was watch. "What can I do? I need to help you."

"You need to help me get dressed before anyone sees. They can't see me like this." But as I looked up, it was already too late. I could see eyes drifting in our direction.

He nodded and grabbed the T-shirt and carefully slipped it over my head. He was extremely gentle, not wanting to brush up against the bruises already on my skin. He helped me into the rest of my clothes then pulled me in close to him. He held on to me tightly. "I am so sorry," he cried into my ear. He held me another minute before we walked out into the gym. It was deadly silent. The children huddled together in groups against their teachers too scared to even play. Watching someone die does that to a person, even a young child.

"Bella!" Alice shrieked as she ran to me. "What happened? Are you okay?"

I ignored her. "What happened to Lauren?"

She lowered her eyes to the floor. "Omnis had Emmett move her body. I don't know where."

I walked away from her. I could hear her call after me in protest but Edward quieted her. I settled myself into the corner and pulled my legs up to my chest. "Bella," Edward said softly as he sat beside me. "Please talk to me."

I met his eyes and stared for a moment. "They hurt you," I finally said quietly. "Your lip is bleeding."

He wiped away the trail of blood from his chin. "It's nothing. Not compared to..."

"Don't," I nearly shouted at him. "Please don't say it. I can't talk about it. I can't hear it. I just want to pretend that it didn't happen. I'll break down if I don't." I lowered my head and hid it in my lap as the first tears broke free and streamed down my face. "I can't let them see me cry. It's what they want. They have been trying to break me since the moment this started and I don't want to let them win."

Edward scooted closer to me and pulled me into his body. I cried for a few minutes on his shoulder. After the tears passed Edward spoke. "I promise to never let anyone hurt you again."

I chuckled softly. "You can't possibly promise that. I get myself in a life threatening situation every five minutes here."

"I would rather die then let something like that happen to you again."

"Edward..."

"I love you." I stared into his eyes unable to say anything in response. So instead he just kept talking. "I've always admired you, Bella. You're Alice's best friend so I've noticed you. You've beautiful. And there has always been something about you that I've found captivating. I could never describe what it was before but now that I know you... it's not one thing. Bella, I love everything about you. You're selfless. You're smart. You've so strong. The things you've done... you've protected everyone in here. You saved that little girls life and you were able to get six other kids out. They've hurt you over and over and you've hardly shed a tear. you haven't let them break you. And I love that about you. I love everything about you."

"You don't mean that," I whisper softly, as I turn my head away from him.

His placed his hand under my chin and gently lifted my head to look at him. "I do."

"What about Tanya?"

"I think I loved her. But we've mostly been going through the motions doing what we're doing because it's what's expected of us. I don't want to go through the motions anymore, Bella. I want to live. You make me feel alive. And there is no one in the world that compares to you."

"You can't mean it. You just... you watched as... Nehil raped me. You can't tell me that every time you look at me... that's all you can see."

"No. I see a girl who survived. You are doing exactly what you have to do to survive and I want you to. Because I can't imagine a life without you."

"You need to stop. Because if you keep going, I'm going to start to believe you. And all your going to do is break my heart when we get out of here and you go back to your life. You move on and you get married and you forget all about these promises you're making me."

"Stop doubting me. I haven't done anything to make you doubt me."

"You haven't done anything to make me believe you either."

XXXXX

The tears finally subsided when I heard children's voices. I had cried on the bathroom floor all afternoon. I cleaned myself up as best I could and tried to sneak out before anyone noticed me. Unfortunately, just as I came up the hallway I ran into Esme. She pulled me into a long hug and then dragged me through the office and into her private office, closing the door behind her. "It's so good to see you," she exclaimed as she sat behind her desk. She motioned for me to sit so I did, very reluctantly.

"You too, Esme." She reached into her desk and pulled out a bottle of vodka and poured as small amount into two glasses.

"Oh, no thank you," I rejected the glass, pushing it across her desk back to her.

"Your loss." She shrugs her shoulders and finishes both drinks. "Are you coming back to work?"

I chew on my bottom lip nervously and look around the room. It has been completely remodeled since the last time I saw it. There is new carpeting, new furniture and a fresh coat of paint. I can't say I blame her one bit. "Not yet. I was just testing the waters. It didn't go so well. But it will be soon. I hope."

She pours another glass and pushed it towards me. "This will help."

I sigh heavily, very tempted to just give in. "I'm sorry. I can't."

"Did they take your fun bone along with everything else?" she quipped, slurring her words slightly, as she took a sip of the vodka. For the first time I realized that Esme was drunk. Not just a little buzz from the little bit she has drank in front of me, she was well past buzzed. She laughed at her joke and took another small drink.

"I'm pregnant," I admit, my hand reaching to cradle the small bump. "And you're drunk."

Her face fell into a scowl. "I'm not drunk, Bella," she slurred her voice holding the slight edge of anger. "I drink just enough. I need to be preoccupied and this," she says as she holds up her glass. "is just what I need." We fell into an uncomfortable silence. Esme held the glass to her lips and took a slow sip. "Congratulations on the baby. I bet that is helping to keep your mind off of everything else."

"Unfortunately there is nothing out there to distract me from everything else, especially this baby."

Esme shrugged and took another sip of vodka. "At least it's wonderful to hear good news at a time like this."

I ignore her comment. I don't have it in me to tell her the truth, or what I've been passing off as the truth. "Speaking of good news, Alice told me about her and Jasper."

"I've been trying to convince her to keep it quiet and still have a big wedding. People only elope like that if... Well, are you suddenly in a rush to the altar?"

"No. Just the opposite. My wedding is off. I'm on my own." Esme raised her eyebrows at me. "It's how I want it. How it has to be."

There was another long pause in the conversation where neither one of us knew what to say. "This place really fucked up our lives. We will never be the same."

With that our conversation ended. I excuses myself and said my goodbyes to Esme and Alice before running out of the building to the safety of my truck. Next, I found myself sitting at the kitchen table with Charlie. I cooked him an early dinner and sat with him to eat. But mostly I took that time to break the news that I was pregnant. His reaction was just about what I expected it to be. Shocked silence. Murderous rage towards Jacob, who he assumed was the father. When I broke the news about how it happened, or at least how I was explaining it to everyone but myself, there was more shocked silence. Followed by more murderous rage, this time directed towards the men who held me captive. And then his emotional rollercoaster ended with him nearly breaking down into tears, which forced me into tears. Even harder than breaking the news to Charlie, was breaking the news to Renee over the phone. I couldn't talk her out of getting on the first flight to me.

The excitement of the day had me exhausted so I made my way back to Edward's house. All I wanted was to have another good cry and a nape before anyone got home but Edward seemed to know I was coming home and was waiting on the couch.

"What is going on with you?" He asked as soon as the door closed behind me.

"Can we please not do this now?"

"That's all you ever say. You keep avoiding everything. What happened to the strong Bella I got to know?"

I had a million things I wanted to shout at him in an angry response but I just didn't have it in me. "I'm defeated. They finally broke me. I have a difficult enough time pulling myself out of bed in the mornings. So forgive me if I just don't have the energy to have these deep conversations with you."

"Why do you keep doing that?" There was the edge of desperation in his voice. "Why are you so angry with me?"

"Do I even need to tell you?" I shouted, losing my patience.

"Yes! Just two days ago you were cuddling up to me in the same hotel bed, practically begging me not to leave your side. Now you can hardly stand to look at me."

"Two days ago I didn't..." I trailed off. I wasn't going to tell him that I can't stand to look at him because I'm madly in love with him and carrying his baby. I wish I could say those things. I wish I could have the sort of picture perfect life you always imagine for yourself as a child. Yes, I wanted to have children one day. But I imagined the perfect man and the perfect marriage. I may have found the perfect man, but he was going to have the perfect marriage with someone else.

"You promised you wouldn't let me get hurt." I finally said, beginning to break down. "That _you _wouldn't hurt me! But that's all you've done since that moment!" I shouted at Edward. "You told me that you loved me. That you were choosing me. That you wanted a life with me. But you lied. You chose Tanya. And I really can't blame you. I would do the same thing. But it still hurts. I told you not to make those promises if you couldn't keep them but you went and you did it anyway. You made me promises and you _made _me fall in love with you. You keep giving me hope. The looks you give me, it makes me think that you still care. The way you sometimes can't help but touch me, even just a rub on the arm or to get the hair out of my face. You asked me to move in with you for God's sake! But was that just to shove my nose in your happiness with Tanya? If you changed your mind about me, it would have been so much easier if you just told me! You didn't have to tear me apart like this. You should have just been honest with me from the start."

"I did mean all those things I said to you, Bella. I meant every damn word," he said softly, looking deeply into my eyes as he tucked a stray piece of hair behind my ear.

"Then why did you choose her? Why did you break my heart?"

"I didn't choose her. I tried to choose you. I called you for weeks after we got out and you didn't answer a single one of my calls. I came over and you refused to see me. I tried. I tried everything I could for weeks but you weren't there. You couldn't make an effort. You couldn't even pick up the phone. I thought that we were close. I thought that after we got out that we would help each other through this. You were there. You know what it was like, what we had to do to survive. And I needed you. And you weren't there. I didn't mean to break your heart but you broke mine first."

"Didn't you understand? Don't you get it?" I chewed on my bottom lip. "What it was like for me when we got out? I know it was hard on everyone but... Fuck! I was beaten. I was raped. Multiple times. I fucking killed people. People. Not person. Multiple people. I held a gun to Lauren's head and I pulled the trigger. I was forced, I didn't want to do it, but I still did. How the fuck could I help you through your shit, whatever the fuck it is, when I couldn't even handle my own!" I screamed, pushing up my sleeves to show fresh scars on my wrists.

"Fuck," he cursed softly as he gently grabbed ahold of my hands and stared at the pink lines. His brow furrowed in worry and I quickly pulled my hands back. "I didn't know." His voice was rough and raspy as if he was trying desperately to hold back tears.

"Of course you didn't. I didn't want you to. I don't want anyone to know. I mean, Carlisle knows. He's my doctor and all but no one else. I wanted to keep it that way. But there is just something... I can't hardly keep a secret around you."

"I thought we didn't have secrets from each other," he said, his eyes locking on to mine as he took a step closer to me.

I breathed in heavily. I have more secrets than I know what to do with. "There are some things I can't tell anyone. Even you." He opened his mouth but before he could voice his protest I stopped him. "You aren't going to change my mind on this."

Edward took another step closer to me. He was so close our noses nearly touched. He took my took my right hand and carefully traced the scar across my wrist. "Talk to me."

"I can't," I argued.

"Please," he brought his forehead to mine, his eyes meeting mine. "I don't want to see you like this," he said, his index finger traveling the length of the scar.

"I'm better now."

"Don't lie to me."

"I'm getting better. Little by little. I'm talking to people more." I looked away from him. "I told Charlie about the baby. He took it better than I expected. I didn't think I could do it but I did. And it's not like I had a lot of time left anyway." I looked at my slightly protruding stomach. "My stomach just sort of popped out overnight." I sighed, rubbing the small bump so he could see. "It's real now. I feel like it's finally official. I can see it."

Edward looked down to my stomach and gently touched it. "What are you going to do?"

I felt a tear trickle down my cheek. "I don't know."

His eyes met mine again and brushed the tears away with his thumbs. "You know I still care about you."

I nodded. "You need to stop." He furrowed his brow in question. "Please stop saying those kinds of things to me. You either care about me or you don't. You either want to be with Tanya or you don't. You want me or you don't. But just pick one. Because I can't do this. It's driving me crazy. It's the way you look at me... I can't be around you when you're like this. It just makes me remember all those moments. It makes me want to fall in love with you. That look you get in your eyes... even now. You see inside of me. You make my walls come down and that scares the shit out of me. I need those walls or I can't keep my distance. I don't know what to do. My heads a mess. I can't think. I can't concentrate. When you look at me like that... like this... you get so close and you make my heart race and you make me forget all about the worries and the pain. And I just have all these feelings."

He smiled his crooked smile, his eyes not leaving mine. "We all have feelings, Bella.

"Stop!" I shouted, backing away. "I'm serious." He closed the distance between us again. "I have these feelings. And I can't get rid of them. I look at you and I see the way you look at me. The way it makes me feel. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. You've seen me at my very worst. But you still... You've been so kind. You've invited me into your home. You've offered me so much and I can't return any of it. And it's that look in your eyes. You still see me. It might be buried under a little bit of pity but you still see the person that I am. That I was. But it's still not good enough. I'm still not good enough for you."

"It's not pity you see in my eyes, Bella. It's regret." His voice broke as a tear slipped from his eye. "All those things that happened. All those things we promised to never talk about. That we promised we'd forget. I can't forget. I hurt you, Bella. And I can never forgive myself for that. And I know you can't forgive me either." Edward finally released me and walked away, wiping at the tears that fell.


	14. 14: It's Going to Hurt Bad

**Chapter 14**

**It's Going to Hurt Bad Before it Gets Better**

My conversation with Edward left me completely drained. I climbed the stairs to my room, collapsed onto the bed and fell asleep almost instantly. But even with how tired I was, I was still sleeping alone in bed and the nightmares came. I woke with a scream and Tanya was instantly in the room wrapping her arms around me. "It's okay, Bella. You're not alone." She holds me tight and whispers into my ear and it only makes me feel worse. Why does she have to be so nice to me?

"Thank you," I say, pulling myself away from her.

"You don't have to thank me. I can only imagine what you're going through." I don't think she can even begin to understand or imagine what I went through. But at least she isn't pushy and she is understanding enough in knowing that I need time and space. And she always seems to know when I need someone. I wish I could confide in her. She seems like she would be so sympathetic. But there is no way that I can tell her those things on my mind. There is no way I could break her heart like that. She didn't deserve it. She was like a damn Disney princess. You can't help but love her.

"I'm glad you're awake. Are you in the mood for some girl talk? Nothing serious, I promise. Just two girls hanging out and having a chat. I still have some chocolate pudding if you're interested," Tanya smiled and flipped her blonde curls over her shoulder. Ugh, she's sweeter than a damn Disney princess.

"Sure," I said through a sigh. It's not like I have anything better to do. And I am beginning to understand that as the morning sickness slowly is dying down, I think it's impossible to turn down food. Especially anything chocolate. She squealed in delight and ran out of the room, returning in a minute with a cup of chocolate pudding and spoons for each of us.

"I know that you're still... The whole baby thing... It's tough..." she trailed off. "I couldn't help myself. I climbed up into the attic and I took a little inventory on what I have left from when Raena was a baby. I kept so much stuff. And all it's doing right now is just taking up space and collecting dust. And there is no sense in that, when I know someone who could us it, right?" I didn't respond. I didn't have much to say. Yes, I needed the stuff but that was way in the future. And it's still not something I want to be thinking about. And how horrible would it be if I raised Edward's baby from hand-me-down's from his fiancee.

So in my silence Tanya kept talking. "I still have everything. Baby clothes, but you won't know what to do with those until you find out what you're having. Are you going to find out what you're having? You can find out around when you go for your 20 week check up. How far along are you?"

I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself. It didn't help much. So I just munched on my pudding until my heart started to beat normalcy again. "I'm 11 weeks."

"Oh, perfect. You're almost out of the first trimester. The morning sickness should pass any day now. So it won't be too long before you can find out the baby's sex and you can go through the clothes, if you can. I still have all the furniture; crib, highchair, stroller. Oh and maternity clothes, I bet your pants are awfully tight now. I haven't really noticed if you're showing yet, but you are covering it really well with the loose clothes. But if you haven't popped yet, you will real soon. You name it, I probably have it. And I'm not planning on having any more kids until me and Edward are married. So what do you say?"

"Thank you," I say softly, not knowing what else to say. "That will help a lot. It sounds like you have almost everything so I can concentrate on where we will be staying now. Thank you."

"You know you are more than welcome to stay here. I told you, we will make room for you."

"Oh no," I object immediately. "I couldn't. I think you and Edward are going to need your space. And so will I." There is no way I can stay in this house much longer. I can't keep lying to Tanya, who doesn't deserve it. Or Edward, who I can barely keep a secret from. Plus, how can I do that? Raise his child under his nose. What if the baby looks just like him? I'll have no choice but to move to Alaska. No one will come visit there. I should be safe. What is wrong with me?

My phone rang and Tanya excused herself allowing me to answer it. My mom was getting ready to board her plan and would be landing in a few hours, she would get a cab, Charlie gave her Edward's address. How he had it I'm not sure. She delivered the news and hung up, not giving me a chance to argue.

I straightened up my room to keep my mind off of things then made my way down the stairs, finding everyone seated around the table. "Miss Bella!" Raena shouted. "You're having dinner with us! This is so cool! We have chicken and rice. Do you like it?"

I nodded and eased myself into the seat beside the child. "Who doesn't love chicken and rice?" Tanya made me a plate, and again I wanted to hate her so badly. I could make my own damn plate. But she was just so nice about it. She served everyone. I took a bite of chicken and fell in love it was so good. She's not just a Disney princess, she's fucking Martha Stewart too. Maybe I can make myself hate her for being _too _perfect.

"Everything alright?" Tanya asked. "I don't want to pry, you got a phone call and now you're just so..."

"Oh," I shouted nearly dropping my fork. "I'm so rude. I'm so sorry. My mind is all... Ughhh lately." That got a laugh from Raena. "It was my mom. I should have told you but again with the... Ughhh!"

"Baby brain," Tanya laughed. "Get used to it. It's only going to get worse before it gets better."

"Great," I mumbled sarcastically. "But she's coming. She's on her way. She's coming here. Not staying here. But she's coming to visit me. I tried to talk her out of it..."

"No!" Tanya shouted, interrupting me. "No way. It's just what you need. And of course she can stay here. There is no point in her driving all the way to Port Angeles to stay in a hotel. The more the merrier." Seriously, what is wrong with this woman? Can she not just get angry about something? Well, I'm sure I can send her into a murderous rage if I really wanted. But I don't want to go there. This babies paternity will alwyas be a secret. I just want to see her have a bad moment all on her own. I'd settle for a bad hair day or even a pimple. There is no reason for one person to be so perfect. "I can even call one of my sisters and see if she wants some company this weekend, so you can have the house to yourselves. I'm sure you're in need of some good mother and daughter time. Me and Rae Rae too," she said, smiling at her daughter before picking up her phone. I will go crazy if she doesn't have a bad day soon.

"No, you don't need to leave. This is your house. I can't..."

Tanya sighed. "Bella, you are more than just a guest at this house. You and your family are more than welcome here. And don't argue with me on this. You aren't going to change my mind. You are a part of this family now." Tanya's cell phone buzzed with a text message and she read it quickly. "Well, it's settled. Irina would love some company this weekend. We'll pack after dinner." Raena nearly knocked her milk over in celebration. "You and your mom can have the house to yourselves. Think of this as your house, help yourself to whatever you want. What's ours is yours."

"I have a big meeting Monday," Edward added. "I have a lot of work to finish."

"Don't be a party pooper, Edward," Tanya was almost pleading with him. "You can finish it at Irina's."

"I still have a lot to do. And all of my stuff is here. And I have some other guys on the project with me, I'm going to need their help."

"Please," Tanya stuck out her bottom lip in a pout and if she gave me that look, I would have given her whatever she wanted.

"Sorry, babe. Next time." He leaned over and planted a kiss on her forehead.

The rest of the dinner was quiet. Tanya refused my help in the kitchen, of course. And made good on her promise. She and Raena were packed and ready to leave an hour after she loaded the dishwasher. "Please consider this your home while I'm away. Just ignore crabby Edward." She blew a kiss at him and giggled when he rolled her eyes. "If you have any problems call me, I programmed my number into your cell phone. Enjoy your weekend! I know I will!" And with that she was in her SUV and on the road. And I was again left alone in the house with Edward.

XXXXX

The sky was dark and I again had to beg Nemo to allow me to feed for the children. But this time it was easier. I boiled noodles, opened jars of sauce and served up a quick spaghetti meal. And shortly after that we turned out half the lights and slowly the children started to fall asleep. As soon as all the main lights were off and we had nothing but the light of the security lamps above the door on, I heard footsteps approach behind me. Arms reached around me, and not the ones I wanted. I couldn't help but tense immediately as I felt Nehil's breath warm on my neck. "Are you ready to play some more?"

"With you?" I asked. "Never." I tried to push myself away from him, but it was useless. He only held me tighter and closer, crushing me a little and causing me pain.

"Don't be like that, baby. I like it when you fight. And it only hurts you more. Be a good girl and I will be a little nicer too." I knew there wasn't a nice cell in his body. He picked me up, still holding me too tightly to his chest and carried me towards the storage closet.

"Bella!" I heard Jasper shout at me, approaching quickly.

"Not now," Nehil yelled to Jasper as he continued to carry me. "We have things to discuss." Nehil slid his tongue along the side of my neck. I closed my eyes tightly and tried to keep myself from shaking. I would not show fear to him.

"Let her go. You've had enough fun with her," Jasper argued.

"No," Nehil answered and walked past Jasper.

"Nehil!" Nemo shouted from across the room. "Here. Now," He demanded.

Nehil groaned in frustration. "Don't go too far, baby. I will come back for you." He released me and walked to Nemo.

Jasper approached me slowly and held out his arms, inviting me in. I fell into his arms and snuggled my head into his chest as he wrapped his arms around me. "Thank you," I whispered softly. "But don't do that next time. He's ruthless. He'll only end up hurting the both of us, if you stand up for me. I can take it. But I don't want to see anyone else get hurt."

"There is no way that I will ever be able to keep my mouth shut when I know someone is going to get hurt," Jasper argued.

I shook my head and pulled away from him. "You have to. Think of Sam. He already lost his mom. He needs you." I regretted the words after seeing how much pain they brought him. But at least I knew that he would listen.

"Thank you," he said, pulling me in for another hug.

"For what? You're the one that tried to save me."

"For Sam. You got him out. You got him away from these fuckers. You got a lot of kids out. Sam. Raena. That sick girl. And how many others?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "It's been a little busy. I'm not sure. Ten, twelve? Emmett would know. He helped. He did the harder parts."

"No, Bella. We all know that you are doing the harder parts here. I've seen how much they are making you suffer when they pay no one else any attention. It's not fair to you."

"It wouldn't be fair to anyone. But it's better if it's just be me. I've already been through it so... it's not like it can get that much worse. I'm already going to be fucked up and in need therapy. No need to do that to anyone else." I shrugged. If I didn't remain casual about it, I would break down. And once that happened, there was no way I would survive what was still yet to come. I'm was sure the worse was yet to come.

Before the conversation could continue any farther Nemo approached us. "You are summoned."

"You've had your fun with her. Please leave her alone," Jasper said in a almost defeated tone.

"Did you forget who holds the gun?" Nemo asked as he waved the gun in Jasper's face for emphasis. I silently pleaded with Jasper, giving him my eyes. I told him to keep his mouth shut for the sake of his son. He had already lived through his parents breakup. A hostage situation. His mother's death. Any more and I couldn't imagine what the future would be like for him. Nemo grabbed my shirt collar and pulled me to my feet. "You have a job." He dragged me into the kitchen and kicked a protesting Alice out. He picked up the phone cord and plugged it in. So that's how the phone has remained silent for so long. The phone immediately burst to life with a ring. "Answer it," Nemo demanded as he pressed the gun into my temple. "And don't say anything stupid."

I held the receiver up to my ear and answered, my voice holding the smallest in of a quiver. "Hello."

"Who am I speaking to?" It was a man's voice, one I hadn't recognized. My heart sank. I knew it was probable that the FBI were now involved but I was still holding on to hope that it would have been Charlie answering the phone.

"Bella Swan."

"An employee?"

I nodded my head in response, forgetting for a minute that he couldn't see me. "Yes," I said just above a whisper.

"May be speak to who is in charge?" This guy was just right to the point.

"No," Nemo answered.

"He says no," I responded over the phone.

"I am Officer Harrington. Can you give me any information on your situation?"

Nemo shook his head. "I am not at liberty to say."

"How many of you are there?"

I responded without looking to Nemo. "Right now, 30 children I think... a few seemed to have gotten away from us somehow, 8 employees. 2 parents." I felt the gun press harder into my skull in protest.

"Only 8 employees?"

"Two deceased. Maria Manuel and Lauren Estok. That's it so far. No major injuries." This time Nemo hit me over the head lightly with the butt of the gun. I ignored the throbbing pain. "We will be needing supplies. Milk. Food." I heard Nemo pull back the hammer of the gun. "Or not."

"Are you forgetting who is in charge?" Nemo shouted into my ear as he pulled my hair.

"Is there a list of demands?" Officer Harrington asked.

I looked to Nemo. "Money. And safe passage out of the country."

I passed along the message to the police. "How much money?" he questioned.

"How much?" I asked Nemo. Being the middle man is no fun at all.

"2 mill. I will give them 24 hours to complete this then we will discuss transportation." I relayed the message and he promptly unplugged the phone. "Get some sleep, princess. You're going to need it." And with that he walked away.

XXXXX

I walked around the house, prepared to clean and do my part since I was living there rent free. However, Perfect Tanya also keeps the perfect house. So I walked around, trying to familiarize myself with the layout of the house and what was available. There were plenty of movies, video games and board games for entertainment. In the hall closet, there was even an entire pedicure set. That could be good and take up plenty of time with Renee. I hope she doesn't plan on staying long. I can't handle too much. I'm already fed up and frustrated enough, I don't need Renee being all mother hen on me. I need space. I don't know if she will understand that.

I took some time staring at my protruding stomach in the mirror. I looked at it from all angles. Ugh, it was defiantly there. This was really happening. There is no going back now. Shit!

I lied in bed and tried to read a book but my mind wouldn't settle enough for me to concentrate on it. So I looked around the house a little more. After more wandering around I settled on sitting on the kitchen counter eating another pudding. Edward walked in and grabbed himself a pudding for dessert. "I'll try to stay out of your way."

"I know you have a lot of work to do, so I will try to be out of your hair."

This was the first conversation we had since our little blow up earlier. It felt awkward and kind of forced. "I can work around it. I'll get what needs to get done, done. No worries."

We fell silent after that, both of us eating our pudding cups in silence. I couldn't stand the quietness, it was worse than yelling at each other. At least the yelling was honest and emotional. This was just... sad. But I guess he was at least listening to me and keeping his distance. He wasn't staring into my eyes. He wasn't trying to touch me or hug me or telling me sweet things that makes me want to fall even more in love with him. Edward finally met my eyes and all I saw was sadness. It took everything in my power not to rush into his arms. I was going to struggle with this distance keeping as much as he was, if not more. "What?" I asked, trying to sound casual. I threw my spoon in the sink and poured myself a glass of lemonade. Edward shook his head and I could see the tears glistening in his eyes again. Shit! We're back there, again. "I do forgive you," I said softly, breaking eye contact. I said it without thinking. I didn't want to open up this can of worms again. We both agreed that we weren't ever going to bring it up. What a lie that was. "I didn't get to tell you that before. But I do forgive you. You didn't... Nothing was your fault." And here we are again, both of us ready to cry. Memories that we can't escape forever haunting us. There was a long silence as we both struggled to keep our composure.

And then Edward had to go and ruin it. "How sure are you that this baby is not mine?" he question, his eyes staring at the tiled floor unable to meet my eyes.

My lemonade glass slipped through my fingers and shattered on the floor. "Shit!" I cursed, choosing to ignore Edward's question. "I'll clean that up." I jumped off the counter and twirled in a circle. If only I knew where any cleaning supplies were, that would help.

"I got it," Edward stood up quickly and opened the closet in the hall. He caught a broom before it whacked him on the head. My heart began to race, sending me very close to a panic attack. All over a fucking broom. Will this shit ever end? Edward gathered everything he would need and dropped it as soon as he saw my face. "What happened?"

I couldn't respond. I couldn't move. So he just came in close and wrapped his arms around me. "I can't breathe," I finally said. "I need to get outside."

Edward practically carried me out onto the front porch. That seemed to help. I could breathe easier in the cool air and the walls didn't seem like they were closing in on me. "What happened?"

I shrugged. "It just happens sometimes. Little things just trigger these fits. Objects, sounds. A car backfired the other day and it sounded so much like a gun shot I nearly pissed my pants. And that's not a figure of speech, I literally almost peed myself. In there, the broom. It's just a fucking broom but in that room-that closet... It reminded me of... I was locked in there for so long, with all that shit happening and I was surrounded by cleaning supplies and mops and brooms... all that shit. And I just stared ahead and the fucking brooms as he... Fuck!" I sat in a chair and lowered my head between my knees and tried to pull in deep breaths to keep myself from hyperventalating. "I'm trying. But I can't help it. I can't help but freak out when something reminds me of being in there. I'm beginning to think I will never get over it. No matter what I try."

"Oh, baby," Renee said. I heard her high heels clicking on the pavement as she ran up to me and wrapped her arms around me. "What did they do to you?" her voice cracked as she struggled with tears.

"Welcome, Renee," Edward intervened. "Let me get your bags and get you settled in."

Renee started to protest but I pulled away and nodded my head. "It's okay. I just need a minute."

Edward led her inside and left me alone to gather my thoughts. Who knows how long that would take. With the ways things were going my guess would be... just short of never.


	15. 15: We Said It All

**Chapter 15**

**We Said It All**

I sat outside in the darkness until I began to shake from the cold. Then I stayed out a little longer, shivering. It didn't help to clear my mind at all. I didn't think that I would ever have a clear mind again. When I was beginning to lose feeling in my fingers, I finally gave up and walked inside. Edward and my mother were sitting on the couch talking animatedly. I hugged Renee, finally giving her a proper greeting.

"Let me see that baby of yours!" Renee exclaimed, jumping to her feet and pawing at my shirt.

"Hold on!" I shouted, pulled up my shirt just enough to reveal the slightest of bumps. She put her hands on my stomach and squealed in delight. "You can barely consider it a baby right now. It's smaller than my fist and still kind of looks a little bit like an alien."

"Do you have pictures?" she asked.

"No," I responded with a shrug. "I'm only 11 weeks, I was lucky I got an ultrasound so early. They offered but..." I trailed off and shrugged. I didn't want to upset anyone by telling them the long list of reasons why I didn't want the pictures. I wasn't ready to be a mother. I didn't think I wanted the baby. I hated the very idea of being pregnant. I didn't know who the father was at the time. I didn't know if I was keeping it. The ultrasound made it look ugly and deformed. It actually did look like an alien. I caught Edward staring at my stomach and I pulled my shirt down. Why couldn't he just leave me alone? We _promised_! "Did Edward get you all settled in?" I asked Renee.

"Yes. It was very nice to meet him after all I've heard and been told," she said. I wasn't sure what she's heard and been told because I certainly didn't bring any of it up. "I'll be in his daughter's room."

"Raena isn't my daughter," Edward corrected quickly.

"When are you going home?" I asked Renee, trying not to sound too eager.

"However long you need me," she responded, pulling me in for a hug.

It was nice to see my mom and all but I wouldn't say I needed her. I needed to do this on my own. I needed to pull myself together. I needed a lot of things but I doubted that I would ever get any of it. We sat around making idle chit-chat for another hour before Renee's jet lag kicked in and she excused herself to her room. It didn't take long for Edward to pounce on me. "How are you doing?"

"I'm fine," I responded quietly as I stood. I needed some distance. He was determined to break me. "Just keep the brooms away from me for now. And the mops. I'm not a fan of mops either at this point in my life. And... a lot of other things. But we'll just see. I hope I don't freak out every time someone breaks out the Windex." We stared at each other in the silence for a minute. He stared deep into my eyes, making me feel very uncomfortable. It's like he looks inside of my head and is trying to read my mind when he does that. It makes me panic and just start talking. It's probably why I can't keep a secret from him to save my life. Except for one... for now... Hopefully forever. "I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow," I blurt out, trying to end the silence and his uneasy stare. "A follow up on my arm and back, my OB was going to try to work me into the schedule too since I'll already be at the hospital. I was going to try to see Emmett too."

"Need a ride?" he offered. "I should really visit Emmett. The doctors said he needs a lot of support from his family and friends. That will be the only way he will be able to recover."

"Thanks but I think Renee will want to go. So we should be able to handle it." There was a lull in the conversation. We were doing the avoidance dance that we had become so good at. I took the silence as my cue to get my distance. "Goodnight," I called over my shoulder. End this conversation before I did reveal _all _of my secrets.

And as soon as my foot was on the first step, Edward had to ruin my escape again. "You never answered me before." His voice was flat and distant. Not angry or upset... just empty. I guess he was trying to keep his emotions locked and under control just as much as I was. I took in a deep breath and took another step. Maybe I could just ignore him. Forever. "Bella," he called after me, his voice getting louder and holding the edge of anger. "When are we going to talk about this?"

I groaned in frustration and walked down the stairs and into the kitchen. On the top shelf of the panty I found their secret stash of alcohol and grabbed one not bothering to see what it was. I poured a tall glass over some ice, sat at the table and stared at it. If I wasn't pregnant, I would have probably remained drunk from the moment I got out of there. But now all I can do is stare at the glass, listening to it mock me. I know it wouldn't solve any problems for me. But it would at least cloud my head enough for the memories to not constantly haunt me. It might help me sleep at night. It might help keep the nightmares away.

"Bella!" Edward shouted. "What the fuck are you doing?" He sat across from me and slid the glass in front of him.

"It's for you," I answered quietly, still staring at the glass in his hand. "I can't drink it. But you can. If I can't get drunk right now, you need to do it for me. Maybe when you get drunk it will make me feel drunk by association." I shrugged. I know it didn't make much sense. But it was all I had. Maybe if he could let go of what happened and be carefree for a few moments, I could too. Edward didn't stop to consider it. He just held the glass to his lips and took a long drink. He does that without question but he couldn't listen to me when I asked him to forget about the past. "Keep going," I demanded as I watched him finish the glass.

I continued to pour Edward drinks and he never objected. With each sip he took, I could see the drunken haze slowly start to settle in. His eyelids became heavy and drooped. His words slurred and blurred together a little. A little dribble of his drink would slip past his lips, roll down his chin and settle on his shirt. But I still poured him another and he still drank it, even if he sometimes did miss his mouth or hit his teeth against the glass edge of the cup. And as time passed a smile began to form on his lips, his speech became a little difficult to understand and his thoughts made little to no sense at all. I could see in his hazy eyes that he was forgetting about what had happened to us. But it didn't make me feel good at all. In fact it made me feel even worse. Because I couldn't do that.

"Sorry I'm keeping you from your work," I said, finally interrupting Edward's babble on the supremacy of chocolate pudding to vanilla pudding, and don't even get him started on butterscotch pudding! I just couldn't listen to that anymore.

"Work?" he slurred. "I don't have to work until Monday." His smile faded. "I'm a piece of shit," he said matter-of-factly. "I lied. I lied to Tanya. I don't have a meeting. I just didn't want to go to her sister's. I wanted to be with you." Even when he's drunk he can still cross that line. Or maybe it was because he was drunk that he was willing to cross it. Maybe this was a bad idea. Who knows what will come out of his mouth next.

"Edward..." I sighed heavily. We had been over this so much already, I was getting tired of it.

But he just ignored me and kept up with his drunken rambling. "I wish I had met you before. Before we were forced to hurt each other like we did. Before we were locked up. Before I met Tanya." He paused to take another drink. "Like, really met you. Not just in passing as Alice's friend. But really get to know you so things could be different. I would have never met Tanya. She could be in love with someone else, getting married and being happy. We would be living in this house together, happily. We would be planning our wedding. We could be in love and not have to hide it. I wouldn't have to choose. I wouldn't have to break someone's heart. Because I don't want to. I love you and I love Tanya. She's kind and she's sweet and she is exactly what a guy looks for in a wife." I already knew that Tanya was perfect but hearing it from Edward broke my heart a little more. I didn't need to be reminded of how great she was and how broken and damaged I was. "And you... you're brave and strong. You did everything in your power to keep everyone safe in there. You talked me through some heavy shit. And you don't hold any of it against me. You've were there with me the entire time. You've seen me do things. Things I'm ashamed off. We've both been at our worst together and yet we still care about each other so much. In three days we've been through more than most couples in their lifetime and yet we are still making something work. We still have these feelings for each other. And you're sweet and you're nice and you have so many layers that I have only began to see. I want to be with you, Bella. I really do. But I don't know how to. I made promises to Tanya and Raena."

"I know," I struggled to keep from letting my walls crumble. I wanted to cry and fall into his arms. I wanted to tell him that I wanted to be with him too. But it wasn't that simple. "You should keep those promises."

"But I don't know if that is good enough for me anymore. Part of me died inside of there. And another part of me was born. Part of me, let go of the future I had planned for myself. And that piece of me that was born fell in love with you and planned a future with you. We would love each other without complications. We could forget all about those awful things we saw and did and just be together. This baby would be ours and we would love it so much." As I wiped away the tears that slipped from my eyes and I saw tears flooding in his. "And it could! Are you ever going to answer me?" he asked me, snapping angrily. "Is that baby," he pointed at my stomach, "mine?" That was exactly what I was afraid of.

I poured him another drink and he forced it down. "We agreed, Edward." I let out an exasperated sigh. "We promised. And you kill me a little every time you break that promise."

"That was before," he snapped taking another drink. "We thought we could ignore it back then but we can't. I can't. And that was even before I found out about the baby. It haunts me. I see it in my dreams. And now... how the fuck am I supposed to forget now?" He stood from his chair on shaky legs and stumbled his way over to me, dropping down to his knees. "What if that's my baby in there?" he asked before placing a small kiss on my belly.

I refused to meet him in the eye as I tensed up, trying to keep the tears from spilling. "How can it be your baby? We agreed that nothing happened between us. And you will ruin your life if you go around telling people what happened. You will lose Tanya and Raena." He ignored me and rubbed my stomach, he even rested his head against it and tried to listen... as if the baby would tell him if he was the father or not. I retrieved his glass from across the table and poured him another. "Drink," I again demanded. And he did. After a few moments he wobbled unsteady from his drunkenness. His head bobbed up and down as if he was fighting off sleep. He finally lost his balance and fell to the floor settling into a cross legged position. He wasn't staring at my stomach so much as he was through my stomach at that point. "Edward?" I asked.

"Mmmm," was his only response as his hazy eyes flashed up to mine.

This is a good place to have him. He was very near passing out. He wouldn't remember much of our conversation, if he remembered anything at all. It would be perfect. "I have something to tell you," he didn't respond. He just continued to stare blankly ahead. "I found out yesterday who is the father of this baby." I gently rubbed my stomach and he watched me do it. "That's why I've been such a bitch lately. Why I've been so angry with you. I know it's not your fault. But I don't know how to act around you without giving myself away. I fell in love with you in there, Edward." He smiled weakly as me. "And I still do love you. I wish that you could love me back like that. How I love you. I don't want share you with Tanya. I want to be with you and I want you to want to be with me and only me," my voice cracked as the tears streamed down my cheeks. "Because I would love nothing more than to be with you and raise a family with you." I took in a deep breath. "Because this baby is yours."

As soon as the words crossed my lips Edward's eyes closed and he fell backwards, blacking out from the alcohol. It felt good to get that off my chest. I've been struggling to keep that from him the moment I found out, and that was only yesterday! It felt nice to give Edward the answers that he wanted. He did deserve to know, after all. But I prayed that he wouldn't remember a single thing I said come morning.

XXXXX

I was helping Alice with the infants. I felt guilty leaving her alone all the time. But more than half of it wasn't actually my fault. I would much rather be here changing an endless supply of poopy diapers than what I was going through. But she wasn't complaining about it. She had her suspicions that my private time with our attackers was not something I would have been doing if I had the choice. All the lights were off, all we had was the soft blue glow of the blue LED light on the clock on the desk. It was just enough for us to see what we needed without being a bother to everyone trying to sleep. Our attackers were taking turns sleeping since none of them had gotten any sleep since before this all began. It was the perfect time to plan something and make a move. But none of us had it in us. We hadn't exactly gotten much sleep either. And it's a little harder to take risks when you've just witnessed a murder because of an escape plan. Even worse, if you were the one to pull the trigger.

I sat in the rocking chair and my lack of sleep and high amount of stress was taking it's toll on me. My head bobbed up and down, my heavy eyelids closing for longer and longer. I couldn't keep fighting it for long. "Bella," Alice called. My head shot up and I stared at her. I guess I couldn't fight it at all. She had pulled from sleep. "Go on and get some rest. I can handle it in here."

"No," I couldn't help but argue. "You haven't slept much either. You should go."

She ignored me. "Just send Jasper in. We'll take turns sleeping. It will be fine," she insisted. "You need to sleep."

I wanted to argue with her but there was no point. I was exhausted and there was no way I could make it through the night without at least a quick nap. I nodded and walked out of the room slowly, my limbs stiff with sleep. I snuck into the bathroom again and checked my phone that I had hidden in the middle stall. I think all of my messages were full. I responded to the important ones, assuring my family that all was well. I was still alive. I got some information to Charlie to pass along to whoever needed it. Found out all the kids got out and McKenna was in the hospital recovering well. At least there was some good news. I could tell Jasper that Sam was safe and Edward that Raena was now with her mom. I ignored the rest of the messages before hiding my phone once again. I splashed some water on my face and considered settling on the floor and sleeping in here as disgusting as that sounds, I was that tired. And I had enough gross shit covering my body, what was a little more at this point in time?

But before I could settle into the corner, the door squealed open. I froze, fearing that it would be the end for me. Nehil would come for me, have his fun and leave me here to suffer and die.

"Bella," Edward's voice quietly called out.

"Yeah?" my voice broke and cracked. I was too tired to even speak. I was so pathetic.

"I couldn't find you. I was worried."

"Don't worry about me. I'll be fine." I said as I rested my back against the wall unable to support myself anymore. "Raena is safe. She is with Tanya."

"Thank you!" Edward flashed on the light and I hissed in protest. "Turn it off! I don't want them to know I'm hiding in here. I just want to sleep a little."

"No," Edward said, grabbing my hand then switching the lights off. "Not in here." I tried to argue but it was useless, I was pretty much asleep on my feet. He pulled me into the quiet corner we napped in before. The crib mattresses were still there and when I fell onto the them, they were even more comfortable than before. Edward settled beside me and I allowed it. I was too tired to remind him that his Tanya probably wouldn't like that he was spooning with me. But it felt so good and I was so tired. "Thank you for getting Raena out of here," he whispered into my ear. "I owe you so much for saving her."

"She's your family. I had to."

"No," he argued. "You don't have to do anything but you do. I haven't met a person as nice as you. You did it knowing what they would do to you."

My eyes fell closed but I still carried on the conversation. "It was worth it."

"It wasn't the first time he touched you, was it?" he asked, his voice soft and low.

I shook my head. "And it won't be the last either. But it's okay." I was so sleepy the the words slurred together like I was drunk. "I just need to sleep. So I can be ready for more. It's not over yet."

He held me closer and I fell asleep instantly in his arms. I didn't dream. I didn't fidget in my sleep like I usually do. I slept like the dead and he held me the entire time. When I woke the lights were on and Emmett was passing out cereal as breakfast. How long had I slept for?

"Good morning," Edward said as I sat up.

"It's not good. We're still here."

"But we're still alive," he reminded me. Yes, but for how long? Eventually something would need to be done. Someone would have to make a move because we couldn't stay like this much longer. And those were the moments I was worried about. While both sides tried to regain their freedoms and get the hell out of here, people will panic and rush and I'm sure lives would be lost. I just hoped we would all be on the winning side. We had lost enough already.

XXXXX

I couldn't just leave Edward lying passed out on the floor but there was also no way I was going to be able to get him up the stairs. So I brought down his pillow and blanket and tucked him in as best I could. "You better not remember anything we talked about tonight. These pregnancy hormones are awful and I would be justified if I killed you. So forget everything," I weakly threatened. Because we all know there is no way I could ever hurt him.

I tucked myself in next. I wasn't as lucky as Edward. It took me forever to fall asleep and when I did, I was woken by nightmares. I finally gave up when I could smell coffee and bacon. I walked out of my room and heard Edward puking in the bathroom as I passed. Well, he hasn't attacked me with threats or questions yet so I was going to assume that was a good thing. But he could also be so hung over that he just hasn't gotten that far yet. I felt my stomach twist into knots from nerves and I might need to kick him out of the bathroom so I could take my turn vomiting. I rushed down the stairs and found Renee cooking breakfast. She served me a full plate and for the first morning in weeks, I devoured everything in front of me without the slightest hint of morning sickness. Thank god! That got old really fast. She sat a plate out for herself and one for Edward and I took his plate and started eating it. She eyed me and shook her head as she sipped her coffee. "I know that you're eating for two now, baby. But it's his house, the least we could do is leave him some breakfast."

I laughed and took a bite of the scrambled eggs. "Trust me. He's not going to be eating breakfast with us today." She raised her brow in question but I ignored it and finished his plate. I was disgustingly full but it was worth it. I hadn't eaten a meal in a long time that didn't make me at least a little queasy.

"How are you doing?" It was a loaded question the way she asked. She wanted to know details. What was going on in my head. But I ignored that.

"I'm good all things considered." I watched her refill her coffee in envy as I sipped on a tall glass of milk. "I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon but the morning is all yours," I offered. "What do you want to do?"

"I came here for you, baby. What do you want to do?"

I shrugged, I wanted to curl up in a little ball and ignore the world for awhile. But I didn't think Renee would go for that. "I don't know. I mostly just hang out. I'll get ready and we can go shopping or something," I suggested. It sounded reasonable. Shopping is something that most women love to do. They call it retail therapy. _Real _therapy wasn't doing much for me. I don't know what spending my hard earned money was going to make me feel better about anything.

"Sounds great," Renee agreed and we spilt off to get dressed.

I hid in my room waiting for Edward to leave the bathroom so I could sneak in there. And I wanted to do it without his noticing, just in case. But I think I let him have way too much to drink last night. He sounds miserable in there. And it is all my fault. My guilt wore me down and I knocked on the door. "You alright?" I called through the door.

I heard him groan loudly and flush the toilet. "No," was his simple and angry sounding answer. I hope he was mad about the hangover, not my confession. But just in case I began to back away from the door just as he swung it open. "Why did I drink that much last night? You should have told me to stop."

I let out a huge sigh of relief. He didn't remember a thing! I don't have to kill him. Or move to Alaska. Yet. He squinted his eyes, trying to block out as much light as possible. "You seemed like you were on a mission to get drunk last night. Don't you remember?"

"It starts to get fuzzy after the great pudding debate," he laughed then grabbed his head, wincing in pain. "I didn't do anything too stupid did I?"

"No, not at all," I lied. "Can I get you some aspirin or anything?"

"No thanks. I'll do it myself. I deserve this punishment."

"I'm going out with Renee in a little bit do you want us to bring you anything back."

He shook his head and walked away, again starting to look a little sick. "I'll call if I change my mind."

I hurried getting ready. I wanted to get out of the house in case Edward did remember something. Why did I do that? Now I have to live in fear that he will remember my confession. I can be so unbelievably stupid sometimes. Renee was ready before I was and we quickly left. She insisted on driving and I allowed. There was no point in arguing with her when she gets in her motherly moods like this. She drove us to Port Angeles and she went crazy. The first stop was a book store where I think she bought every single pregnancy and parenting book they had. Next, we went to a secondhand shop and she bought everything baby she could find in there. I tried to talk her out of it with every excuse I had... it's too early, wait until we find out the sex, I'll get plenty of that stuff at a baby shower. But she still insisted. My truck was full before she drove us to the hospital.

I spent more time in the waiting room reading year old magazines than in the doctors office. He examined my arm, made me move it in every single direction imaginable and declared me to be perfectly healed. I figured that out for myself weeks ago! I stopped in my OB's office and she did have time to squeeze me in for a quick appointment as long as I didn't mind if she ate her lunch in the room with me. It was a little awkward to be going over everything with my doctor as she munched on a sandwhich and answered all my questions with her mouth full. But it was also in a way reassuring. She was laid back, eating lunch with a patient, fitting me in almost last minute. I couldn't handle an uptight doctor. I had seen enough of those already. Renee was beyond excited to be there with me for the doctor's appointment, especially when I was again told that everything was going well.

I asked her to wait for me in the cafeteria while I stopped in to see Emmett. As usual, Rosalie was keeping vigil at his bedside. "How is he?"

She jumped up from her chair, startled. "Sorry," she apologized. "I think i fell asleep sitting up. I'm so afraid to close my eyes and miss the moment that he opens his."

"No change?"

She shrugged. "I don't notice anything. And I won't until his eyes open. But the doctors are saying that his most recent brain scans show signs of improvement. And it's a good thing. It's hard to be here day after day and week after week with no good news. At least I have some hope." She reached her hand over his and gave it a squeeze. "You keep fighting, baby. And you wake up as soon as you can. We all miss you."

There was a quick pause in our conversation where we listened to the steady beeping of the machines attached to Emmett. It was getting easier for me to talk to people. I spent weeks visiting Emmett as long as there was no one else here. And now, seeing Rose didn't bother me as much. She didn't bother to talk about what we went through. Her sole focus was on helping Emmett get better. I was very thankful for that. It was painful to see Rosalie as a ghost of what she used to be. Her skin so pale it was almost translucent. Her hair unwashed and tied back in a low ponytail. No makeup on. Large, dark, puffy bags under her eyes. Sunken in cheeks. She needed to take care of herself. "I have some time. I'll sit with him for a little bit while you do something for yourself. Shower. Eat. Whatever." She refused at first but I insisted and she ran off, telling me it would only be a few minutes. And I knew that she meant it. She didn't want to leave her man's side when he needed her the most.

The bandage was removed from his head and his wounds were almost fully healed. It had to be hard on Rose to see that. He looked healed but yet he still only lied there. I held Emmett's hand and talked to him. I filled him in on the drama of my life and he listened without passing any judgment on me. Then I resorted to begging him to wake up. "You need to wake up. We're lonely and we miss you. Rose needs you. She's going even crazier without you. Esme... she needs you to talk some sense into her. Alice is married! I missed that too, so don't feel too bad. But she can't wait to share that with you face-to-fare. And Edward needs his older brother's advice. He won't admit it, unless he's drunk, but he's very conflicted. And so am I. I'm going crazy Em. You were the first person I told about this baby. The second to hear who's baby it is for real. This is scary. I know that if I just told the truth I will have family all over. You too... holy shit! You'll be an uncle. And I'm sure you would be a great uncle. But now that Alice is married, you can me an uncle to Sam. Because I can't tell the truth. I told you what happened. It's not fair to Edward to lose his life over that one thing. Right?" I felt his hand squeeze around mine and I jumped out of the chair in a panic. "Oh shit! Can you hear me?" There was another squeeze. I need to start keeping my mouth shut! I just keep telling everyone my secrets. "You better forget about this. I'm serious. I will knock your ass out again if you even think of remembering all the things I've told you over the past few weeks, Emmett! And then I'll have to move to Alaska and hide. Fuck! I really don't want to go to Alaska. It does not sound like my kind of thing."

Rose returned a few minutes later and had some life in her when I told her that he squeezed my hand. She pushed me out of the way and began talking to him, getting him to squeeze her hand lightly a few times too. She ran off to find a doctor and see what it all meant. I sneaked away when she finally returned with a doctor. I ate lunch with Renee in the cafeteria giving her the little bit of good news I had just gotten on Emmett. At least that small improvement was enough of a spark to breathe some life into Rosalie and give us all the hope we were looking for. It was a step in the right direction.

After our lunch Renee insisted on more shopping. She forced me to talk to her, saying that it is why she came out. It was difficult but good to have those moments with my mom. I think she needed to be here for me just as much as I needed her to be there for me. I was completely worn out when we got home and was thankful that Edward had ordered pizzas. It looks like he finally got over his handover and still didn't want to kill me for revealing my secrets to him while he was drunk. Edward ate the pizza quickly and left for the hospital, he was hoping that with Emmett small improvements this morning, he would finally wake up and he wanted to be there.

Me and Renee put in a chick flick, I don't have the stomach for almost anything else. When it was over she decided on more girl talk. It got hard when she kept bothering me to give her some details on what is going on in my life. I didn't have much to say, she knew a lot of it. She got on the first flight out here when Charlie called her with the hostage news. And she was there with me when I poured my heart out about everything that happened inside. Well, everything I was willing to say out loud. I still held onto those few moments that no one will ever get to hear about. She was still here when in my misery I cut my wrists, trying to finish the job that those guys started inside. I was glad she was there then to help nurse me back to health. Sometimes a girl just needs her mother.

I rehashed a lot of things she already knew; the beatings, the killings, the rape, the extreme psychological warfare. I told her about my new fear of brooms and cleaning products and where it steams from. My fears of never being able to be normal again. My worries of raising this child and all that comes with it. She didn't offer me advice. She offered me comfort and encouragement. And she told me that all things would get better with time. I was strong and I could make it through this. She told me she was proud of me. And then she told me that her job was done here and she was going to get a flight home tomorrow. But if I ever needed her I needed to call and she would be right back. We went to bed after that. I passed out quickly but it didn't keep the nightmares away.

Renee cooked us another breakfast and Edward joined us this time. He returned home late last night after Emmett, still hadn't opened his eyes yet. Renee's flight would leave at noon so by the time we had a little more girl talk she packed her stuff back up and it was time to get going. As much as I tried to refuse, Edward somehow managed to talk us into driving us to the airport. The drive wasn't as awkward as it could have been. Edward and I were mostly quiet and just listened to Renee go on about how happy she was to have spent time with me. And how excited she was to be a grandma... even if she didn't think she looked old enough to be a grandmother. It was a tearful goodbye. Renee told Edward to talk care of me and he agreed.

The ride home was just as awkward as I thought it would be. We sat in silence for a long time before Edward had to ruin it. "So... when are we going to talk?"

I groaned and hit my head against the window. "That's all we do is talk! We did this all last night. We both said all we had to say on this. Sorry you were too drunk to remeber. But it's over now. I'm done. You don't like my answers? And that's too bad for you. Deal with it."

"Bella, I understand why you are so angry with me. I've hurt you so much. But I'm trying to make it up to you. Let me help you."

"I don't need your help," I replied quickly, a little bit of anger rising up. Why the hell couldn't he just leave it alone? "I just want to forget about it. Because if we do that then you have nothing to make up for."

"You know we can't forget," he glanced at me quickly before returning his eyes to the road.

"We can pretend." He opened his mouth to protest but I wouldn't let him. "Just stop it! This is not your baby! This is _my _baby! Leave it at that. And stop brining this us! Do you really want to tell everyone what you did? Do you want to live with that? Can you even begin to imagine what people will think of you? They won't understand. Let it go. Move on with your perfect life!" I spat out my words with as much venom as I could muster, hoping that maybe he would finally be able to drop it and move on. It seemed to be doing the trick since I could see the tears slipping from his eyes. "I forgive you. But will anyone else?"

He took a few deep breaths and calmed himself. The conversation dropped and we listened to the radio. We reached the center of town when I answered my ringing phone. "Bella," Jasper responded, his voice sounding stern.

"Yeah, I know. We will talk but now is not a good time. Me and Edward are in the car. We just took my mom to the airport. Tonight?" Jasper agreed to meet me at Edward's tonight for our big talk. I was going to have to think of something to get out of it. I was _never _going to have this talk.


	16. 16: And We're Keeping It All Going

**Chapter 16**

**And We're Keeping It All Going**

I got out of Edward's car as soon as it slowed. I slammed the door shut behind me and ran into my room before he could assault me with any more questions. I knew he wasn't going to give up easily. He is determined to know the truth and I am just as determined to keep it from him. And everyone else for that matter. I throw myself onto the bed and stare at the ceiling. A moment later the door opens and Edward quietly slips in. I close my eyes and ignore him, hoping that he will give up and go away, maybe even assume that I was napping.

"Bella," he says through a sigh. I've never had any luck at all. I groan and roll onto my side to look at him. "I know. You don't want to talk about it. But do you think I do?"

"Of course you want to talk. Every single second we are alone it's all you do. You keep bringing it up."

"Not because I want to. I would love to forget it. No... I know that's not possible. What I want is to go back and make sure it never happened." He lets out a heavy sigh and lies down beside me. He brings his hand to my cheek and gently caresses. "But it did happen. And I just... I want to be there for you. I want to support you. We promised to do that for each other while we were in there."

"And we already broke a lot of them. It's okay." I try to release him of whatever responsibility he thinks he has with me.

He ignores me and brings his hands down to my slightly swollen belly. "You can't say that there isn't a chance, no matter how small it may be, that this child is mine." His eyes lock onto mine. I can't argue with him. He is right of course. Even if I wasn't already 100% sure that this child was his, it was always a possibility. There was never even the consideration of us using protection. "I want to know."

"I told you," I argue. "It doesn't matter to me."

"But it does to me!" He shouts and I draw back away from his touch. "If this is my child then I have a right to know. I have a say!"

"Please," I beg softly. "Don't do this. What good will that do?" I draw in my bottom lip and chew on it nervously. "Do you want to explain what happened to Tanya? To anyone? Do you think any version... truth or lie will make it sound any better?"

"You can't do it alone."

"Yes, I can! People do it all the time."

"I don't want you to. You've done enough on your own." He pauses a moment as he gently rubs my stomach. "I want to know if this is my baby. I want to be there for you if it's my baby." I open my mouth to protest but he stops me. "And if it's not... I don't think it really matters. It could be and that is good enough for me. Even if it isn't, it could be. It should be. Wouldn't it be better if it was me than one of those monsters? Won't it be easier if this child has a mother _and _a father?"

I stare at him wide eyed. "Are you fucking insane?" I sit up quickly and the sudden movements bring on a feeling of nausea. I pace the room frantically, pulling my fingers through my hair as I growl in frustration. "How do you plan on explaining that one? You father a child with one woman but marry another one. If you even get to marry Tanya because if you're playing baby daddy with me I doubt she'll stick around. She might be the nicest person ever but I highly doubt that she'll stick with you after you tell her that you fucked me!" He instantly recoils from my harsh words. "We've already been through this. You choose her. Don't fuck that up. You've already fucked up enough shit! My entire life included! Be with Tanya. You make each other happy. Forget about me. Forget about the baby. This is my life. This is my choice. I can't have you popping in and out, making promises that I know you can't keep. You haven't kept a single one yet. And I can't stand another broken promise from you. I can hardly stand to be in the same room with you it hurts so much." As much as I tried to fight off the tears, I couldn't. I let them fall. Why does he keep breaking my heart like this?

We stared at each other for a long silent moment. Edward closed the distance between us in two long strides. He grabbed my face and pulled my lips to his. He chooses the worst possible moments to be nice to me. To show me any sort of attention and affection. I pull away in a panic and locked eyes with him. I can see regret and pain reflecting in his eyes, carefully masked by a small amount of longing. Panic bubbled over inside of me. "I'm leaving," I blurt out suddenly. "I can't stay here now. I have to get out. I have to go."

Edward released my face and sighed loudly. "Don't run away from me anymore. Stay. Please." He brings his forehead to mine and brings his hands to my face. "This is me surrendering to you. I can't stand to keep hurting you. I choose you. I choose-"

I interrupt him, unable to listen to anything he has to say because I know he doesn't mean that. The moment Tanya walks back into this house he will surrender to her. And I will just be broken hearted all over again. I refuse to fall for his lines anymore. "I think you misunderstood. I'm not just going out. I'm leaving. I'm moving. I'm going to Phoenix to stay with my mom." His eyes were screaming his protest while his lips were set in a hard line. "I can't stay here," I release in a heavy breath. "I can't keep doing this with you."

"Bella," he finally said his protest. It was only one word but his tone said a lot more.

"I'm just slowly driving myself crazy the longer I stay. I broke up with Jacob, sure it was a long time coming but he deserved better than a phone call. I had to move out because I couldn't stomach another look of pity from Charlie. He's got his fucking cop face on. I'm not his daughter anymore, I'm a case. He isn't seeing me. He's seeing all those crimes against me. And he keeps looking at me like I'm just going to crack and fall to pieces. And I might. I really might. I'm close. So I need support not a fucking pity party." I met his emerald eyes and immediately the tears streamed down my face. "You keep pushing and pulling me around like my feelings don't matter. Like I have the time and the strength to keep up with your mood swings. Like you can have your perfect life with Tanya but keep me, your dirty little secret right under her nose. Do you know how that makes me feel? Like some cheap whore! I've already been treated like that. I don't want to go back there." I paused for a moment, wiping away the tears that soaked my face. "I already tried to kill myself once and I don't want to go there again. I can't do that. I need to get out. I need to get better."

"Bella, please," he tried to comfort me by placing his hands gently on my arms.

"No! Stop!" I jerk away from him violently. "I am broken. I was raped. I killed people. I watched people that I love get hurt or die. I thought I was going to have to watch everyone I love die. Including you. I thought he would kill me. I can't stop having nightmares. I tried to go back the other day and I couldn't. I don't have it in me. I surprise myself when I can get out of bed in the morning and do enough to function. Because all I want to do is lay down and give up. And you just keep making it worse. I've been telling you since we were in there to leave me alone. And you just won't listen. I'm not your possession. I can leave. I have to leave. If I stay... I think we've both said all we have to say and we've done all we can do. I'm so tired. I don't have it in me to do this anymore."

"Bella, you can't keep doing this. You're not the only one who is struggling. Things weren't easy for me either. I saw things. I did things. I have nightmares every night too. And the only times I don't seem to have then is when I'm around you. You make me better, Bella. And every time I try to make something up to you, it only makes you mad. It only makes you run away. How am I supposed to fix this if you keep running away from me?"

"You don't. You can't. I told you. I can't do this anymore. I'm done. I'm leaving," I cry. It's the last thing that I want to do. Leave the life I have built for myself here but I don't see any other choice. I can't stay here. There is nothing left for me here. I wish there was but there just isn't.

"Stop pushing me away from you!" Edward snaps at me, shoving me, pressing my back against the wall and pinning me in place. "Every time I pull, you push."

"And when you push, I pull so this isn't going to work. Just let me go," I plead with him softly, trying to keep my tears at bay until I can get away from him to break down. I try to push him away but he doesn't budge. "I can't be here." I tried to walk past him but I couldn't move. And it was making me feel like I was going to break down and have a panic attack.

"Just look at you! What the fuck happened to you? You are just a shell of a person."

I turn my head away from him. "Fuck you, Edward. Let me go." I push forward, moving him just enough for me to slip past him.

"Look at you! Weak and crying until I start yelling! You don't come alive until someone threatens you!" he screams at me and pushes me hard against the wall again.

A tear slowly slipped down my cheek as I shook my head. "Did that make you feel better?" My lip quivered as I glared at him. "You get off hurting women now? Or maybe you just like to hurt _me_?"

"Why would that make me feel better? It doesn't make me feel better. It doesn't make me feel anything. But I think you do. I think you like it."

I stared at Edward, tears freely falling. He did not just go there and say that. "So that's how you justify everything? That's how you make yourself feel better so you can sleep at night? You think I like it? You think I like getting hurt? You think I enjoyed everything that happened to me? You think I liked it when you hit me? You think I like it now? Then go ahead and hit me again." I kept shouting unsure of if I was more sad or angry with him at the moment. "Or maybe I liked it when I was raped? Do you think that's why I'm still so broken now? No one is hurting me anymore?"

"Jesus," Edward breathed softly, baking away from me, finally releasing his grip on me. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I was..."

"Don't worry about," I said, walking away from him. "You've hurt me enough already. There isn't more you can say or do to me to make me hurt any worse than you already have."

"Bella, please," I could hear his voice heavy with sadness.

"Fuck off, Edward." He reached out and grabbed my arm as I moved passed him. I jerked away violently. "Don't you dare lay a fucking hand on me! Never again!" I seethed, my voice dripping with hatred.

I turned to the door to leave, I would worry about getting my stuff later, right now I just needed to put a lot of distance between Edward and I. When my eyes reached the door, I found a wide eyed Tanya standing in the doorway. "Don't you dare leave." her voice was soft, flat and vicious. "I think that Edward is the one that needs to leave. I don't think he needs to be in this house."

"No," I shake my head. "This is my fault. I should go." And I walked out of the room, down the stairs and into my car.

XXXXX

Edward pulled me back down to him on the soft mattresses. "Go back to sleep. Maybe it will all be over when we wake up."

I rolled to face him. "I wish. But I don't think that we could ever get that lucky."

"Then just stay here with me and we will wait it out in this quiet little corner." He nestled his nose into the crook of my neck.

"I can't do that." I sighed heavily. It was a wonderful idea it just wasn't going to work. "I have things to do. I have to get back to Alice. She needs to sleep. I'm sure some other problem is going to come up and I'll have to figure it out. It's never ending."

"Just ten more minutes," he argued before kissing my neck.

I sighed, giving in to him as I wrapped my arms around him. For at least ten minutes it would be nice to imagine if my life were back to something a little more normal. We could snuggle together and pretend we weren't being held hostage by three people with guns, surrounded by 40 scared children and two dead bodies. Who was I kidding? I couldn't let go of it for longer than ten seconds, even with Edward kissing the extremely sensitive spots of my neck and shoulder. "You need to stop," I said, gently pushing on his chest.

"Why?" he asked, bringing his lips to my jaw and placing a soft kiss there.

"We can't." I pushed against his chest again, giggling as his stubble scratched at the sensitive spot on my neck.

"Says who?" He teased, kissing my cheek.

"Edward, stop. We can't."

He sighed and pulled away from me for a moment. "I'm tired of being told what we can and can't do. Can't we just do whatever we want for a few minutes before they take control again?"

"We've earned that right but... we can't do this. I don't want to be the thing that comes between you and Tanya. I've already done enough."

"Bella, this has changed my life in so many ways. It's broken my life up to before this and whatever comes after. Nothing will ever be the same. I loved Tanya but that was before. This has changed me. I have feelings for you now. You are whatever comes after. And I want to start that now, in case..."

I stop him before he can say it. I knew there was a very good possibility that one of us probably wouldn't make it out alive. But I couldn't bare to hear anyone say it. I press my lips to his and tangle my fingers in his hair. It was a passionate kiss, full of passion and hunger. The kind of kiss you save for your last. Because it probably would be.

"Break it up, lovebirds," Nemo says as he grabs my hair and pulls me to my feet. "We have more work to do."

"I need to get back to the babies. Alice needs to sleep," I couldn't keep myself from arguing.

"Listen, sweetheart. When you orchestrate your first hostage situation, you can call the shots. But this is mine so you will listen to me," he growls in my ear as he puts the barrel of his gun to my temple. "And you will do what I say." I couldn't keep the smirk off my face. I had only seen Nemo loose his cool composure the once when I had tricked him and gotten the kids out. So the fact that his temper was now flaring was what I hoped was a good sign. I didn't think things were going as imagined for him. "Do you want me to kill you?" Nemo shouted when he found the smile on my face. "Or do you want more punishment? Who should we kill now." He pulled hard on my hair and dragged me along the floor of the gym. "A child? A friend? Your lover? I'll be nice. I'll let you choose."

"You keep killing us off and you won't have any hostages left for bargaining," I tried to keep my voice as calm as possible.

He laughed. "I think we can loose a few more before we need to start worrying about something like that. But it probably wouldn't be the smartest idea to kill off my hostages while I'm negotiating with the police. So let's just stick to a standard form of punishment for you. What would you like?" I would like to go home and finally have a peaceful moment, but I don't think that's the answer he was looking for. "Should I hand you over to Omnis? She had a lot of fun with you the first time. Would you like to play with Nehil again? I don't think he will ever get enough of you. Or would you like to see what I can do? What would actually teach you a lesson? Or are you too stupid to learn?"

"That all depends on who you ask. My English teachers always thought I was really smart but for some reason my math teachers always disagreed."

Nemo released my hair and threw me to the ground. "Enough!" he screamed so loud that the entire gym fell into silence. All eyes settled on the middle of the room where we were. "Let's do it right here." Nemo called for Nehil and Omnis to join us. They surrounded me, guns drawn. The place was still eerily quiet for a room filled with children. "Would you like some entertainment?" Nemo shouted for the room to hear. "What would you like to see? How should we teach this little pain in the ass a lesson? Or should we just kill her?" That brought on screams and shouts and crying from all directions. "I guess you get to live, at least for a little longer." He pulled me up to my feet. "Though you may not want to when we finish with you," Nemo said with a smirk. He grabbed the hem of my shirt and pulled it over my head. My arms flew up immediately to my chest to cover up my nakedness.

"Not here," I argued. "Not in front of them. Do whatever you want with me. But not like this."

"Oh no. I think right here will be perfect." Nemo smiled as he grabbed my arms and held them to my sides as Nehil reached to unzip my jeans. In a matter of seconds I was stripped naked and forced to my knees. Nemo and Nehil each had one of my arms stretched out to my sides. I could hear my coworkers trying to distract the children from me. But Nemo kept yelling, insisting that everyone watch what happens to someone that doesn't listen to them. Omnis removed her belt and I felt the cool metal buckle make contact with the tender skin on my back. It didn't take long for my wounds to open and the warm sticky blood to begin to flow down my back. I didn't bother with counting how many times she struck me. I didn't have the energy to concentrate on anything other than trying to keep a straight face, to not scream and cry. I didn't want them to have the satisfaction or to frighten all the kids. So I took my punishment with little more than a few stifled moans.

"Is that enough?" Nemo shouted, pulling me to my feet. I kept my eyes down, not able to look at any of the faces in the crowd. After a second I could see a few of the white tiles were stained red with my blood. My knees went weak and I swayed on my feet, nearly crashing into Nehil. "You want more?" Nemo pushed me away from him, right into the arms of Nehil. My knees did give way then and I fell to the floor onto my knees.

Nehil laughed. "This is what you want?" He grabbed my hair in his hands and pressed my face into his groin. "You want them to watch while you suck me off?" I was rapidly approaching my breaking point. I didn't think I could last much longer. I could feel the sting of tears in my eyes. My body was beginning to tremble. My breathing was coming in quick pants. And my vision was starting to darken. Nehil laughed again and released my hair. "I'm sorry, baby," he crooned as I crumpled onto the floor. "I can't give you the satisfaction right now. You're a mess. Clean yourself up. We'll play later."

I could hear their shoes hit the tiles as they walked away from me, leaving me completely exposed in the middle of the floor. In the silence of the room their laughter echoed throughout the entire gym. I looked up to find every person staring at me wide eyed before I finally broke and passed out.

XXXXX

I made it to my truck before I let myself have a meltdown. I sobbed hysterically like the pathetic weakling that I was. I cried so hard I couldn't draw in a breath. I ignored the knocks at my window and only moved to make sure that both doors were locked. I didn't know who was there either Tanya or Edward but I didn't want to deal with either of them at the moment. Or preferably ever again. I cried for what seemed like hours before I finally calmed enough to dry my tears and start my truck. Time to move on again. I just couldn't find a place where the new me could fit into now. I drove around before I finally found my destination. I parked my truck in Alice and Jasper's driveway but I couldn't bring myself to get out of the car. But I didn't have a choice when Alice pulled in and parked behind me. "Bella!" she shouted at me as I stepped out. "It's so good to see you a... what happened?" her voice rose and octave in panic as she wrapped her arms around me. I shook my head as she wrapped her arm around my waist and led me inside. "Sweetie, talk to me." She sat us on the couch and I began to cry again.

"Can I stay the night?" I asked, when I finally found my voice.

"Stay as long as you need. You know you are always welcome here."

"I just need the night. I'll gather my stuff and call Renee. I'll move in with her."

"In Phoenix? No. Don't leave. I just got you back." Alice wrapped her arms around me.

"I have to. I can't stay here. I have nothing left."

"You have me," she argues.

"With the way I'm going you'll hate me in about two days."

"What happened?" she asked again.

I wiped away the tears and sniffled. "Edward and I got into a fight. That's all we've been able to do really since... But he said some things... We both said some things... He was so..." I couldn't find the right words so I stuttered and trailed off.

"Ready to talk about it?" Jasper asks as he materializes in the room, arms crossed over his chest.

"No," I said keeping my voice flat.

Alice sighed and released me when her phone rang. She rushed off to answer it and Jasper settled onto the couch with me now. "Bella, you need to talk about it before you completely fall apart. You're close now." I nodded but refused to speak. "Did you tell him?"

"No," I shook my head. "I told you I can't. No one can know. It's not fair. It's not right. I don't want to ruin his life."

"He made his choice. I think he can deal with the consequences."

I shook my head. "It's not like that." I paused for a moment to take a deep breath. "He wants to be the father. He wants to help me and be there for me. That's why we started arguing. But I can't do that. I can't let him throw away his life."

"Bella, you two made your choices. Getting pregnant is always a possibility when two people have sex. It happened to me when I wasn't expecting it. But I figured shit out and did what had to be done. Edward can do the same."

"I told you, it's not like that. You don't understand."

"Then explain it! Make me understand. How complicated can it really be?"

"I can't, Jazz. I made a promise and I want to keep it. No one can know what happened. Please."

"You can't run and hide from this forever. Eventually he's going to figure it out. When that kid grows up to look just like him. And if he wants to be involved why are you even bothering to keep it a secret? He wants to be there. Don't deny him that. You have no right."

"You have no right!" I snap at him. "You don't get it."

"No, I don't. Because you won't talk to me. If you didn't want to tell me why did you ever tell me he was the father? You could have just let me believe that it happened because you were raped. Now you're just hiding behind that."

"Stop!" I shouted, feeling like the walls were closing in on me. "You have no idea what it's like. You have no idea what happened. And it's going to stay that way. I don't care what I have to do to keep that secret I will take it to my grave because no one will ever know. They can't. No one will understand."

"No shit! How do you explain that one? You complain about how hard it was in there for you. But it couldn't have been that hard for you if you if you were able to sneak away to fuck Ed-"

I slapped him across the face, cutting him off. "Shut up! You have no idea what I went through. I didn't just sneak off to go fuck anyone. I told you it wasn't like that."

"So what, did you sneak off to go make love to him?"

I raised my hand, poised to slap him again. "No! I didn't want to! He-" Alice leapt into the room, Sammy at her side, a huge smile plastered on her face and broke up our conversation. "We need to get to the hospital. Emmett's awake."

"We're not done," Jasper growls, grabbing my arm and leading me out to the car.


	17. 17: This Delicate Balance

**Chapter 17**

**This Delicate Balance**

It was an awkward car ride. Sammy and Alice were beaming, bouncing excitedly, unable to contain their excitement at being able to see Emmett awake. They had no doubt that he woke up fine. They ignored all the facts that there was a very real possibility that he would wake up with brain damage or memory loss. Jasper was silent and brooding as he drove. He was constantly eyeing me through his mirrors to give me a glare, reminding me that it wasn't over and that he would get his answers soon. I couldn't keep myself from squirming. I can't tell him the truth. Maybe I just let him keep the conclusions he has jumped to. So what if he thinks I'm a home wreaking whore? I'm not. I'm doing everything in my power to keep this a secret and keep him with Tanya, she would be the perfect wife that he deserves.

As happy as I was that Emmett was awake, I had some reservations. I prayed that everything was alright. That there would be no lasting brain damage and the only memories he lost would be the ones where he was unconscious. Because if he could remember everything i told him... Fuck! That would be disastrous.

Jasper grabbed ahold of my arm as we raced through the hospital halls. He held onto me as if he let me go I would run away or disappear, and I wanted to. His grip was so tight that I was sure it would leave a bruise when he finally released me. We reached Emmett's room and found the door closed. Carlisle and Rose ran up to us and wrapped her arms around each of us. "The doctor's are in with him now."

"How is he?" asked Alice eagerly.

Rose shrugged in response. "He's awake. He was smiling at me and he said my name. He looked good to me. But the doctor's keep telling me to wait before I get my hopes up. Too late."

"It sounds good. He's already made that much progress. But there is still the possibility that there will be at least a little memory loss," Carlisle adds. "But we are thinking positive."

There were more hugs as Esme joined us and Rose gave her the same speech as us. "Bella," Carlisle said pulling me from my thoughts. "Can I have a word?" He grabbed my arm and pulled me free of Jasper's grip. He lead me into his office and closed the door behind us. "I haven't been able to get ahold of you since we talked last. How are you doing?"

"How does it look like I'm doing?" I snapped. I put my fingers in my mouth and began to gnaw on the nails.

"It looks like you've been crying," he observed.

"Glad you went to school 18 years to be able to give me that diagnosis."

"Anger is good. But I think it may be a little displaced. I'm not really the one you are angry at am I?"

"I already see one shrink. I don't need another. And yes, I am angry at you. I am angry at everyone. You weren't there. I hate you for that. I hate how everything is now. Do you even see how fucked up everything is? You didn't even look at your wife when she came in. Do you even notice that she's drunk all the time now? You pulled me away to talk while your entire family is out there. Your son is out there finally out of a coma. And you'd rather be here asking me how the fuck I'm doing?"

He sinks into his chair and lets out a loud sigh. "Bella, I would love to be out there. But I am worried about you. You look like shit. You even looked better when you tried to kill yourself. We've all lost enough. We don't want to lose you too."

I sat into the chair opposite Carlisle. "I promised not to do that again. I might still be a mess. But I won't do that. It was stupid."

"How are you doing? Honestly."

"Awful. Physically I'm good. I got the all clear from my physical therapist. My body has healed nicely. My OB/GYN said everything is good. Morning sickness has passed. But my head's a mess. I can't help but fight with everyone. I have so much anger inside of me. I had a melt down when I saw a broom the other day. A fucking broom reduced me to tears."

"Is your therapist not helping?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't know. It's hard. No one here has dealt with someone like me before. My issues have issues. And talking about it isn't helping. It still sounds scary. And there are some things that I just can't say."

"It's the only way to get better."

"No offense but, how the hell would you know? Have you ever been this monumentally fucked up? You are telling me to talk it out when you are ignoring your wife and her problems. Is she talking it out? Are you even trying? And you have no idea what it was like to be in there and what happened. You can't tell me that talking about it is going to help. Talking is what got me into trouble in the first place. I am much more comfortable now keeping my mouth shut."

"Bella," Carlisle says in his disapproving doctor voice.

"I'm done. I'd like to see Emmett now."

He sighed and stood but his look told me we weren't done yet. Why wouldn't everyone just leave me alone?

When we got back the hallway was crowded. Edward and Tanya were there, neither one of them were looking too happy. They had smiles on their faces but underneath it all, I could tell that when I stormed off the conversation did not get any better for Edward. It was reassuring to see Tanya at least a little unhappy. I guess she can't be happy all the time. I quickly met both of their eyes and they both thankfully ignored me. At least I had that one thing going for me right now.

A moment later the doctor's come out of Emmett's room and flash us a smiles. "So far so good." We all let out a collective sigh of relief followed by a celebration. "His scans all look good. And he seems to have no noticeable brain damage or memory loss. There is still the possibility that some complications will arise. But we are optimistic."

"Just give them the good news and send them in, Doc!" Emmett calls from in the room.

"Under normal circumstances we like to limit visitors. But I think we are being forced to make an exception today. Just be quick. He will fatigue more quickly. And try not to upset him. He is still recoveri-"

"Come on!" Emmett yells. "I'm getting lonely in here!" His doctor sighs and stands aside to usher his family in. I linger in the halls. I'm not family, I shouldn't be in there with them. This is a private family moment. Plus, I didn't think I could handle being in there if he suddenly blurts out my secret. Not to mention that there are at least three people in there that I think want to physically harm me. This is supposed to be a happy moment for Emmett and his family. "Bella, get your skinny ass in here!" Emmett yells. "I know you're out there." Never mind.

XXXXX

When I woke up I was lying on my stomach on a pile of crib mattresses. Thankfully someone had built a sort of wall out of gymnastics mats to give me some privacy. Good thing since I was still undressed but at least I had a blanket over top of my backside. The events of the past few days must have finally caught up with me because my entire body had a dull ache to it (especially my back), my muscles were sore and stiff and it took more than a reasonable amount of effort to lift my head an inch off the floor.

"Don't," I could hear Edward command me from somewhere near my feet. "Just lay still."

"What time is it?" I asked, lowering my head back down to the mattress slowly. I didn't want to get up. I would rather hide in the corner like this than face what was out there. Plus, I didn't have enough energy to fight with him at the moment.

"Late afternoon. Evening," he responded quietly, his voice flat and lacking in emotion. "You slept through most of the day."

"Shit!" I sat up quickly causing pain to ripple through my entire body, but Edward came to my side and carefully helped to lie me down again. "No, I need to get back to Alice. She's been awake forever. She needs to sleep."

"We took care of it. You just rest now." His voice was soft and low, just a little above a whisper.

It sounded like it would take too much effort to argue with him so I let it go. "Where are my clothes?" I asked suddenly very aware of my nakedness. Not like it should matter much anymore. Edward had been forced to watch as Nehil stripped me naked and raped me last night. And this morning everyone watched as I was stripped and tortured. I don't think I will ever be able to look any of my coworkers in the eyes again. Why couldn't these monsters just kill me and get it over with?

"Just lay there, you don't need them right now." He sat crossed legged at my side and gently ran his fingers through my hair. The way his long fingers brushed through my now short hair was relaxing and comforting and if he continued it would most likely lull me back to sleep and hopefully some happy dreams.

"I can't just stay naked," I responded, snuggling my body closer to his. His body was warm and safe and I wanted to be closer to him. The room felt very cold on my exposed skin and he seemed to be radiating a lot of heat. "Eventually I am going to have to move from this spot, you know. It would be nice to be fully clothed and maybe even pretend that not every single person has seen me like this," my voice cracked slightly but I was able to recover and keep the tears locked up.

Edward took off his sweatshirt and placed it around my shoulders. "You can use this." I shrugged my arms into his sweatshirt it warmed me a little but I was still cold so I nestled closer to him and rested my head in his lap. He continued to soothe me by playing with my hair.

"Where are my clothes?" I repeated when he didn't answer my question. It was a nice gesture to have his sweatshirt. It was big and cozy and still warm from his body but I still needed some pants.

He shrugged. "Your shirt is useless. We'll worry about your pants later. Right now just sleep."

"How bad is it?" My voice cracked again.

I knew it couldn't be good, I saw the look on his face after Omnis beat me the first time. I'm sure a second didn't improve the look at all. My back muscles ached with every breath I took in. It throbbed and ached until I moved and then it felt like a fire across my back. "A lot of bruising. Some cuts. None too deep. It should heal easily enough."

It felt a lot worse than that. I turned onto my side so I could look up into his eyes. "How bad did it look? I mean, was it very traumatizing to watch?"

"Yes," he answered quietly. His mouth was set in a straight line, his brow furrowed. He looked pissed.

"What did I miss?" I asked, panic building inside of me. That look on his face told me that something was very wrong.

Edward shook his head. "Nothing. Don't worry about it."

"Don't worry about what? What happened?" I tried to sit up again but Edward stopped me.

"Nothing happened." He kept his hands on my shoulders, resting as delicately as possible, to keep me in place. "Have you eaten or drank anything recently?"

I couldn't remember doing much of anything for myself. "I don't know. I can't remember the last time. I've been so worried about everyone else."

"You need to start worrying about yourself, Bella." Edward let out a heavy sigh. "You worry me too much. Eat. Drink," he demanded as he slid a plate and a bottle of water towards me. "You'll feel better."

I took a small sip of water but pushed the food away from me. "I don't have much of an appetite."

Edward closed his eyes and let out a low growl. "Can you at least pretend like you care about yourself? Even just a little?"

"What's wrong?"

"If you're not going to eat, close your eyes and rest," demanded Edward, the emotion vanished from his voice.

"Would you just answer me? What is going on?"

"I thought they were going to kill you, Bella. But what they did... it wasn't much better."

"Thanks," I sighed. "That makes me feel so much better."

Edward ignored me. "Life as I knew it is over. I watched him rape you. I watched them beat you. I listened as they argued about weather to kill you or not. And I didn't do a damn thing to stop it.

"You couldn't. And I don't want you to. I don't want anyone getting hurt on my behalf. Especially you."

I could see his jaw tense. "I won't see you get hurt anymore. Just stay here and let me handle the rest."

"You know I can't do that," I weakly argued.

"Please," the tone of his voice was almost begging. He dropped onto his stomach, lying on the mattress beside me. "I need you to take care of yourself. I can't stand to see them hurt you anymore. I won't give them a chance. I can't lose you."

"You can't lose me if you never had me to begin with."

"I have you right now." His eyes met mine. "And I'm not going to let you go. I need to keep you safe. I can't watch them hurt you anymore. As much as I tried to fight him off Nemo held me there and made me watch as Nehil touched you. And you said it wasn't the first time either. It hurts to hear that you have been put through that and I didn't stop it. I watched them beat you in the middle of a crowded room and I was paralyzed with fear. I couldn't help you. I couldn't stop it without them hurting you more," his voice cracked and I could see tears pooling in his deep green eyes. "When you passed out I thought the worst. I tried to get there to help you but he wouldn't let me. Nemo sat between us for an hour with a gun pointed at your head. I listened to him debate with himself if he should kill you or let you live. I had to watch helpless. That hour was torture. And it made a lot of things very clear to me. In those minutes I sat there praying for your life I made a lot of promises. I will not let you get hurt again. You will stay here and I will keep you safe. You will not leave my side ever again. I will not lose you. Because I love you."

I didn't respond with words. I simply put my lips to his and kissed him hard. Was it love? It was hard to tell. Your emotions run so high in a frightening situation like being held hostage. But if it wasn't love, it was close. Over the past two days, Edward was the person I had come to depend on. He tried to protect me. We bonded in some very dark moments and it made us so much closer than I ever imagined I could get with a person in that short amount of time. Were we simply believing it could be love so we could have at least one good emotion along with all the rest of the shit we were forced to deal with?

It didn't matter because in those moments, it was love. And it didn't matter where we were and what was going on. We just wanted to be two people in love. I climbed into his lap and opened my mouth to him. His tongue explored my mouth as his fingers tangled in my hair. He fell onto his back and I straddled him, rocking my hips against his. My trembling fingers worked at his belt buckle. He put his hands onto my back and I drew in a sharp breath. His body tensed and he shut himself down, pulling away from me. I tried to kiss him again but he didn't respond. "No," he said softly, placing his hands on my upper chest and pushing me away slightly. "We can't." I glared at him then I rolled off and lied on my stomach. I was going to pout about it. He started it by saying he loved me he rejected me? "Bella, listen please. I want to. Believe me, I do. But we can't do this here, like this."

"What if here like this is all we get?" I argued weakly. And if I was going to die I wanted one good moment to remember. Maybe even help erase the memories of what had happened. And I was damn sure I didn't want Nehil to be the last man to have touched me.

"Don't talk like that. We're going to get out of here and we're going to be fine." He snuggled close to me, careful not to put his hands on my back again, and ran his fingers through my hair.

"How do you know?" I nestled my head onto his chest.

"Emmett has a plan."

I opened my mouth to speak but he put his fingers to my lips to keep me quiet. "Not right now. Let's just lie here like this for a little longer." I wanted to argue. We needed to get out of here before anything else could happen to us. But I felt to safe in his arms I agreed.

XXXXX

It was against my better judgment to walk into Emmett's hospital room but I did it anyway. I silently prayed that all the secrets I had spilled to him were safely locked away in his brain never to be remembered again. And the doctors did say that this visit would have to be quick so it should be too painful. I had seen him many times before but it was a surprise to see how good he looked. I mean, he did kind of get shot in the head. He looked so... happy. He had just come out of a coma which he spent months in and he already seemed more well adjusted than the rest of us. I wish I could hate him for that. But at the moment all I had was happiness in my heart. At least until the hugs and kisses and excited gushing stopped and Emmett started to speak. First, he wanted a detailed explanation of what happened after he blacked out. He got a quick condensed version that didn't answer any of his questions at all but Carlisle said that was all he would get for now. Details would come as he got better.

"As excited as I am to finally see everyone, I do have some business to attend to. Jasper!" Emmett shouted from his hospital bed, his voice laced with angry malice. "As soon as I can crawl out of this bed, I am going to kick your ass." The mood of the room shifted instantly. We all fell silent and stared uneasily at Emmett for a moment. "You knocked up my baby sister, you asshole. And you can't even make an honest woman out of her after all these years?"

Everyone's eyes widened and stared at Alice, carefully studying the size of her stomach. "That's why you guys eloped?" Esme shouted happily, wrapping her arms around her daughter.

Alice shifted uncomfortably on the balls of her feet. She shook her head and shrugged. "He's been unconcerned for awhile now. I don't know where he is getting his information."

"You told me," Emmett argued. "You used to talk to me a lot. I think all of you did. I've been waiting a long time to threaten Jasper's life until he finally married you. You've been together forever. He can't knock you up then-"

"No need to kick my ass. We're already married," Jasper interrupted. "Alice," He lowered his voice as he turned his attention to his wife. "Is there something you have to tell me?"

"Nope. I am very much not pregnant."

Emmett furrowed his brow. He closed his eyes and seemed to be concentrating very hard. "Edward," Emmett said, his eyes still closed.

"Yeah?" he stepped forward.

"You and Tanya get married yet?"

"Wouldn't dream of it until you could be there with us."

Emmett took a deep breath in. "But you are Alice?"

"Yes," she said as she wove her fingers with Jasper's.

"But you're not pregnant?" Emmett asked again.

"No."

"Rosie, you have something to tell me?"

"God no!" she exclaimed. "I've had enough on my plate right now without adding babies into the mix."

"You don't want to divorce me do you?" he asked, his voice lowering.

"What the hell kind of questions are you asking?" she snapped at him. "You really think I would spend every waking moment in this hospital praying and waiting for you to wake up just to tell you I want a divorce?"

"This is so confusing," Emmett sighed. "I have all these memories but can't really figure them out. I heard things but I guess I got them all confused." My heart was racing. I wasn't sure if it was in fear or relief, because I was feeling a little bit of each. He had memories of what we had all said to him while he was out. But at least the details were such a jumbled mess that he couldn't make heads or tails of them. "There were constantly voices inside my head that weren't mine. I couldn't remember who's voices they were at the time. It was scary. But I could constantly hear things. It would lead to these weird dreams. Really vivid. Like a movie. But the moments I can remember were never quiet." I was on the verge of a panic attack. He had some memories of what we said to him. I didn't know if he had them all or how complete they were. But the fact that he had any at all was absolutely terrifying.

"You were never alone. I was here," Rosalie said, squeezing his had. "Almost all the time. I never left you alone. There was always someone. We wanted you to know that you were loved. That you had so many people waiting for you." Her voice broke as she spoke and tears fell freely from her eyes.

Alice stepped in when Rosalie broke down into tears. "We were all here for you. The doctors wanted us to talk to you. They thought it might help. So we all told did it."

"Some of us shared our favorite memories," Carlisle added. "And some of us told you about what you were missing in hopes that you would wake up to join us. And you finally did. I'm glad that it got through. Just keep asking us questions, son," Carlisle urged. "We will help you sort them out."

"20 questions. Got it," Emmett agreed. "While I was out, who got married?"

"Me and Jazz," Alice answered. "It was a quiet civil ceremony that we didn't really tell anyone about until afterwards. Sorry." she apologized sheepishly. "I think we'll have to do some kind of something to include you guys. We were just in a rush. And not because I'm pregnant." She added after everyone gave her a quick look.

"Who is getting a divorce?"

The room fell complexly silent. "Probably me, Hun," A nurse said walking into the room to check on him. "Sorry to worry you. But I had just seen him in the halls... it's not important. Welcome back. The doctor wanted me to let you know that you have five minute before I have to clear this room out." And as quickly as she came in, she slipped out.

"Well, that's a relief. I was running out of options." Emmett exhaled loudly. "What about the name James? Does that mean anything to anyone?" The room went completely silent at that. Talking about the things that happened after like marriage and babies was one thing but our memories of what happened on the inside were something of a different nature. "What did I say?" Emmett asked. The smile fell from his face quickly as he looked at all of our faces. "Oh, shit! Tell me he wasn't a kid that went to the daycare! Don't tell me any of those kids got hurt."

"No!" We all shouted together.

"Nothing like that," Alice finally spoke. "He is..." she trailed off not knowing exactly what to say.

"No one," I finally spoke. "I mean Nemo. James is Nemo."

"What else do you remember?" Esme asked to change the subject.

"Penguins! I had a lot of dreams of penguins. Nasty evil penguins. Anyone have any ideas on that?"

We all smiled and laughed, he was on his own with that one.

"He's not dead?" His tone was quiet and serious. No one could speak so we all shook our heads slowly. I felt tears sting in my eyes and I turned away, wiping at my cheeks before anyone could see. "The others?" I couldn't quiet the loud sob that came from me as more tears spilled from me. "Maybe you're right. We should wait to talk about what happened." The room went quiet again for a long time.

"Alright, let's just go back to the game. Who is pregnant? Someone has got to be pregnant. I thought I was told I was going to be an uncle but Alice... Eddie! Congratulations Tanya!"

"Oh no," she denied. "Not me."

"Shit! This is harder than I thought it would be," Emmett whined.

"Maybe we should let you rest," Carlisle interrupted. "And we can pick this up again tomorrow."

"It's me," I finally admitted. He was going to find out about it anyway. He just better not remember all the details. "I'm pregnant. And we are pretty much family so yeah, I guess you're going to be an uncle."

"No shit!" Emmett exclaimed, extending his arms for a hug. I shuffled forward and accepted the big bear hug from him. Edward was right beside my left shoulder and I couldn't help but chance a sideways glance at him. It was a huge mistake. He was staring right at me with that look on his face. The one that told me we had more things to discuss. He was not going to let it go. No matter how many times I insisted. No matter how bad our arguments got. He was tenacious and refused to let up. I could feel my body tense and my heart race, panic again setting it. Emmett loosened his grip on me for a moment then grabbed my shoulders and looked directly into his his. His smile was gone, the little color he had faded, his eyes grew wide and his pupils were dilated. His untrimmed fingernails dug into the soft flesh of my shoulders. He knew.

The nurse walked in as quickly and quietly as before. "Alright, folks. That's enough for the night."

Emmett didn't release me, he kept me rooted in place. My brow creased and the tears started to form again. He pulled me back to his chest, cradling me tightly. "I remember," he whispered soft enough I knew that no one could hear. It still cause a sharp chill to travel my spine. I cried hard, my tears quickly dampening his hospital gown.

"I said, that's enough," the nurse repeated, placing a hand on Emmett's shoulder. "You can finish your reunion tomorrow. But right now, you look like shit. You need rest."

"Come tomorrow," he whispered to me again before finally releasing me. I could feel everyone's eyes on me, wanting to know more about the quick moment that just happened between Emmett and I. But I blocked it all out and ran. I didn't even waste time on a goodbye. I had to get some distance. I ran to the lobby doors before I remembered that I didn't drive myself. I was at Jasper's mercy. I wandered back through the halls to the cafeteria. It was quiet at this time of night but my grumbling stomach forced to to purchase a bag of chips from a vending machine. I rested at a table and just as I finished the bag, Edward sat beside me. My body tensed and my blood began to boil. "We need to talk," he said softly.

I couldn't help but laugh. "No good conversation starts that way. And I'm done talking to you. I told you before."

I stood to leave but he grabbed my arm and held me in place. "I'm sorry."

"No you're not. And neither am I."

"I am sorry," his sad eyes met mine and I sat back at the table, my knees growing weak. He holds so much power over me and he doesn't even know it. "For everything. I never meant to hurt you. Not before and not now. All I think about are ways to make things better and no matter what I do, I keep making them worse, don't I?" We sat quietly for a little while. "Don't run away."

"I don't have a choice."

"You always have a choice."

"And I chose to leave."

"If that's what you wanted, you would have left in the beginning."

I shrugged. "Things change. I thought I could do this, but I can't."

"Let me help you."

"Help me? How the hell do you think you can help me? I can't help myself. Charlie failed. Carlisle failed. Therapy is a major fail as of right now. What do you think you can do?"

"I don't know but I'd like to try."

"Because it's helped so much in the past. Look at what happened this afternoon. What we said to each other. And Tanya... what did she hear?"

"Just the end, when I was a real asshole. She wants you to come back. She'd rather have you there than me right now."

"I can't. I told you, this thing is over between us."

"So I will leave for awhile. Better me than you."

"No, I am not kicking you out of the house so me and your fiancee can live together. How could I ever do that? I don't know why the hell I agreed to live there in the first place. I had no right. I shouldn't have... You need to be with her."

It got real quiet after that. We both looked away from each other quickly. I took that as a sign to leave but as soon as I stood, Edward began to speak. "A lot of things have happened between us. Some good and some bad. We've said a lot of things. Again, some good and some bad. Some of them I wish I could forget. And some of them... they keep me going. I hold on to those moments and they keep me going everyday. Not many people go through what we went through. Even fewer of them survive. And those moments... they were about as life changing as it gets. Inside it became clear to me what mattered. And I'm sure you are well aware that there were some painful realizations about what mattered more to me. And in the end, it wasn't my life that I was worried about. It divided me and my life. There is my life before. And there is my life after. My past is already set in stone, there is no changing that. But my future... it isn't shaping up the way I thought it would. The way I want it to. Because, Bella, you are my life after. Can't you see that?"

"No," I said softly. "Because you didn't me. You choose Tanya. There is no going back from that now. You made your choice the moment it was over. You went crawling back to her immediately. You could have had me. But the time has passed. I didn't sit around waiting for you. I had enough shit to do. So go back to Tanya. That is your life after. That was your choice. Don't chance your mind now because you have some latent guilt."

"Latent guilt? I have felt guilt since the moment-"

"It doesn't matter. It's over. I told you, you can't have it both ways. You're telling me you want me while she stills wears your engagement ring. It's not sincere. I don't buy it and I never will. Don't waste your time."

"Bella, please."

"Goodbye, Edward." I walked away from the table without looking back.

Jasper was walking into the cafeteria just as I was walking out. "What the hell happened back there? Where have you been? Did you tell him?" H asked noticing Edward seated behind me.

"No, let's go."

"Bella, you have to-"

"I'm not telling him and you will understand why when I tell the story. Do you want to hear it or not?" Jasper didn't say another word as he followed me out the doors.


	18. 18: The Voice in Your Skull

**Chapter 18 **

**The Voices in Your Skull are Always Screaming**

Of course in my cowardice decisions were made for me. I couldn't run away and hide like I wanted to. After everyone was kicked out of Emmett's room, they all decided now would be another great time to go out for a family /I-survived-hell dinner. I tried to skip out and asked Jasper to take me home but he refused. He didn't seem willing to let me out of his sight. So I found myself uncomfortably seated between Alice and Carlisle and directly across from Edward. Every time I looked up, Edward tried to catch my eye and convey a secret message. So instead I stared at the table trying to hold off on having an emotional breakdown.

Carlisle was using his doctor's voice with everyone, discussing Emmett's current situation. He had discussed things with his doctor and was beyond optimistic. Everything looked and sounded great. For everyone but me. Why couldn't I just keep my thoughts bottled up inside my head like a normal person?

"And you, Bella," Carlisle said, pulling me out of my own head. "Emmett was glad to see you. Thank you for being there. You seemed to pull something out of him."

I nodded but remained quiet, still staring at the table. I didn't want to look up to see everyone's eyes on me. This wasn't something that I was going to discuss with them. Now or ever. And thankfully the food was delivered at that moment to save me. The table stayed mostly quiet with nothing more than small talk as everyone ate. I picked at my food. It didn't matter if the morning sickness had finally passed or not, the stress of my life was enough to keep my stomach in knots anyway.

"Bella, you okay?" Alice asked. "You're being very quiet."

I nodded and shuffled food around my plate. "Just tired." I sighed, risking a look up to find Edward staring. "I'm going to get some air." I pushed away from the table and walked outside. The night air was cold but welcoming in its quietness.

"What's wrong?" Edward asked, stepping out of the shadows.

I jumped, startled at the sound of his voice. "Why can't you just leave me alone?"

"I can't," he said, grabbing my arm and pulling me away from the windows. I struggled, trying to resist him.

"Stop!" I pulled my arm free from his grasp. "I told you to leave me alone." He grabbed me again and pulled me to the side of the building. Panic bubbled inside of me. I was not ready for this. "Let me go."

"Just hear me out," Edward pleaded, pushing my back against the wall. His hands pressed against my shoulders keeping me firmly in place.

"Please let me go," I asked softly.

"Things happened between us, Bella. And I'm sorry for that. I don't know how many times I can say it or in how many ways. But I want you to know how bad I feel. I have nightmares almost every night. I can't forget. And I am trying to make up for it. I want to help you in as many ways as I can so I don't feel so guilty."

"Please stop," I begged.

He rested his forehead against mine. "I need to make it up to you. I need to fix you. I need to help. I love you. I can't see you like this anymore."

"Then let me go. That's the best thing you can do. Let me go."

"It might be selfish, but I don't think I can." His hands traveled up my arms and to my face, holding it in place and forcing me to look into his eyes. His nose gently brushed up against mine before he brought his lips to mine.

I turned my head away from him and cried loudly. "Stop," I requested softly. He ignored me bringing his lips to neck. "Stop," I said more forcefully. He left a series of kisses on my neck as the tears spilled from me. "Stop!" I pushed against his chest and he stumbled backwards a few steps. "Your fiancee is still inside so your words don't mean shit! You can't have us both, asshole!" I shouted, the anger finally being released. "You were there. You should know. You should get it. I know some bad things happened. But I didn't ask for them. I never wanted this. And despite what you all think. I'm not a whore. I am not a slut. I didn't ask for it. I didn't want it."

"That's what makes it so much worse," Edward said, his voice cracking as he wiped away the tears. "That's why I want to help." His hands massaged my stomach carefully.

"Stop! Why can't you leave me alone? I told you if you want to help, let me go."

His hands refused to move from the small bump of my belly. "But..."

"No. I told you to forget about it. Don't you listen to a single Goddamn thing I've said. I didn't want this. I didn't want any of it. I didn't ask for it. But it fucking happened. Regardless of how it happened. I didn't want it. None of it. So do me one fucking favor and let it go. After everything that has happened between us... if you really want to help make up for all the shit that you feel obligated to feel guilty about let it go. Forget about it. Because you are only making it worse. I didn't want it. No matter how it happened. I didn't want it. Now, please let me go. And never touch me again. I've had enough."

"Why? What changed your mind?" He paused, running his long fingers through his hair. "When we were inside... we... you..."

"When we were inside you told me you loved me! You said that nothing was going to change that!" I shouted. "But the moment we were free you went running back to her. You promised me you wouldn't break my heart but you did it anyway."

"I was scared. I was stupid. I know that and I'm sorry. Just give me a second chance."

"She's still there! You still won't let her go."

"Why won't you listen? Why won't you try?"

"It's because I do love you!" I shouted unable to keep it in anymore. "I can't stand to be around you because I do love you that much. But it's obvious that you don't feel the same way. You don't love. You just feel sorry for me."

He folded himself into me again and I fought against him. "Stop it! Leave me alone!" Edward didn't move away from me. Instead he folded his arms around me and held me tightly. "Don't touch me! Don't fucking touch me!" He brought his lips to my neck again in a soft kiss, meant to calm and comfort me. I turned my head away trying to block everything out. I didn't want him to be nice to me. It would only make things so much harder than they already were. "Please, stop." I grimaced and tried to fight him off. But it was useless. His refused to let me go. "Edward, stop," I almost growled at him as his hand slipped under the hem of my shirt. His fingers brushed over my stomach delicately before he moved it slowly over my ribs. My body tensed, not prepared for the feel of his touch. Tears formed and fell instantly as his hand snacked up, cupping my bra. "Please, stop," I sobbed. "I don't want..." But he didn't respond. I took a deep breath, prepared to yell and scream at him but I didn't get the chance.

"Edward, listen to her. Get the fuck away from her and get inside," Jasper shouted, coming to my rescue.

Edward tensed but he didn't move. He turned his head to look at me but I couldn't meet his eyes. I trembled and sobbed uncontrollably and I heard him stumble backwards. "Fuck!" He cursed. "Bella, I'm sorry." He stepped towards me again, his hands gently grabbing my arms. "Shit! I didn't mean it like that. I just wanted to let you know that it didn't matter. I love you." His hands cradled the small bump that was his child.

I cried even harder and tried to turn away from him. Edward didn't move until Jasper grabbed him and shoved him aside. "Leave us the fuck alone."

XXXXXX

Emmett was the one to approach me. His thoughts were exactly the same as mine. We couldn't just sit by and wait. We needed to get out before we all ended up dead. His plan was simple. Wait until they were distracted and use his brute strength to overtake them so everyone could get out and the police could get in. It was good. It had potential. But it was incomplete. He didn't plan the distraction. I guess that is where I would come in. I seemed to be pretty good at providing distractions and occupying their time. So I again took control, much to the protest of Edward.

"You will not get yourself killed. I won't allow it," he growled at me. I met his hard gaze. "Bella."

"Remember how this worked out last time you tried to stop me?"

"That's exactly why I won't let you do it. If you instigate them again..."

"What if they get bored of me and want someone new? What if it's Alice? This had to end. Now."

"Bella, I've already watched them hurt you in almost every way possible. I can't let that happen again. We just started something. This thing between us..."

"If we don't get out of here we're going to die. Everyone in here is going to die. There will be no thing between us because there will be no us. I'm doing this. And you will let me." Edward grabbed my arm hard to keep me from moving. His eyes locked on mine, begging me silently. "I have to," I argued, trying to pull away from him. But he held me tightly and brought his lips to mine. Right in front of everyone who cared to look. It wasn't soft or gentle or friendly. It was hard and filled with desire and desperation. I opened my mouth to him and allowed myself a few seconds to forget about all the shit going on around us and just enjoy the moment. "What about Tanya?" I asked, pulling away from him just enough to speak.

His fingers tangled in my hair as he exhaled loudly. "It's over. She will understand." We kissed again. I was aware at the very least that Emmett, who was standing just beside us, was staring at us shocked by what he was seeing. "I love you," he said quietly before placing a chaste kiss on my lips. "I don't want to lose you."

I nodded, finally acquiescing to him. I kissed him hard again, fearing that it could be my last. "I made up my mind when this all started that my relationship was over. I don't want you to make your choice because of that. I do love you. And it will hurt like hell if you don't pick me. But I'd rather you reject me now rather than later. If you're going to break my heart, do it now."

"I love you," he repeated. "And nothing is going to change that."

"It doesn't change the fact that I still have to do this."

"Please..." he sighed heavily. "Come back to me." He kissed me once more before letting me go.

I took in a deep breath and I walked over to our three captors. "You need to make some concessions."

"Look who is back from the dead," Nemo said with a smile. "I've missed your wit. You always know how to keep this thing interesting."

"We've been here for nearly three days. We're almost out of infant formula and the dirty diapers smell awful. Let the infants go."

"No," Nemo answered flatly.

"We can just put them all in one crib and wheel it just outside the door. Let the police deal with it."

"No," he repeated.

"You think they cry a lot now. Just wait until they have no food left. And that smell? It's only going to get worse. It's just a few infants. You still have plenty more hostages to get what you want."

"No."

I took a deep breath and stepped closer. "I'll do anything," I said low, hoping for a sultry sound but it came out more sad and pathetic than anything. So to get my point across I reached for Nemo's belt but before I could get any farther than that, I felt the butt of Omnis' rifle make contact with my skull.

"Don't even think about it, bitch!" She spat at me and my knees gave and I collapsed to the floor. Getting their full attention was easier than I thought. I felt a kick to my ribs and I curled up in the fetal position.

"Omnis, enough!" Nemo shouted, pulling the woman away from me.

"You already fucking the little slut?" she yelled back at him.

Before he could respond the alarm system shouted and all hell broke loose. Hadn't we disabled it already? Did it reset automatically? Did they reset it? Was it another door? Were the police finally coming to rescue us? I looked watching as Angela ushered children threw the door. The three captors all raised their weapons and began shouting but you couldn't hear over the deafening sound of the alarm. I went wild, reaching for their guns, clawing, hitting and kicking whenever and wherever I could. But it was no use. Nehil punched me with no restraint and I fell to the ground again. The rest I saw through clouded vision in what seemed like slow motion. The three went running to the doors, guns aimed. I couldn't hear if shots were fired over the alarms and the even louder ringing in my own ears. I watched as the sea of children got smaller and smaller as they ran through the open door up until the very last minute. By the time the door was secured again by Omnis there was only a small group of children left maybe around 15 of them. Most of them were the older school age children and a few toddlers clinging desperately to the legs of the stuff members. I'm sure there were still infants inside. It wasn't easy to get them out.

Nemo was very animated while he yelled. His arms flew around. His face turned red. He pointed his gun at each and every person left. Emmett jumped forward and attacked Nehil. The plan was to get everyone out and he wasn't going to quit. The fight was vicious but it was useless when Nemo joined in. His face was quickly battered. Jasper jumped in to help but was instantly knocked out when the butt of Omnis rifle struck his temple. I figured Edward would try to save the day next but he never jumped out of the crowd of people. In fact, I didn't see him at all.

Everyone fell to their knees, I assume on Nemo's command. He again moved the gun and took aim at everyone. And I struggled to move to try to help but I was almost frozen, my movements were so slow and stiff. I watched in horror as he fired into the group of older children and watched the grey walls turn red with a shower of blood.

The alarm finally stopped and my ears were flooded with the sounds of crying. "Let them out," Nemo demanded. "I think we've proved our point. And they will understand our message loud and clear. We still have enough hostages." He opened the doors, the alarm not sounding and shoved the five screaming children he had shot out the door. "Try that again and I will kill every single one of you! As it is there is going to be a great deal of punishment to be dealt with. Who wants to go first?" I finally had pulled myself up to sitting, resting my back against the wall. If I could have raised my hand to volunteer, I would have. No point in anyone else getting hurt.

Jessica stood up, her eyes darting nervously around the room then she took off for the door. Nemo pulled the trigger and fired, missing her as she pushed her way through Omnis and out the door. I didn't notice what happened until Rosalie broke the silence with her unrelenting screams. Crumpled on the floor was Emmett a large puddle of blood surrounding his head. Nemo's shot had missed it's intended target but it still found someone anyway.

Rosalie's cries got louder and soon everyone else joined in. Nemo continued to shout and threaten. He threw a few punches. He hit Rosalie enough to make make her loud cries stop. She fell to the ground and curled up with Emmett. There was more shouting and violence before Nemo reached into the crowd and pulled Edward up and dragged him across the floor towards me.

I felt the tears come when I had seen why Edward made no move to help his brothers. His face was ashen white and his left shirt sleeve was soaked with red blood. Edward had been shot.

XXXXXX

"What the fuck was that?" Jasper shouted when Edward left us alone. I didn't respond. My knees gave out and I slid down the the frozen ground below. "Start talking. I am not going to let up until I hear the truth."

"The truth is complicated," I said when I finally calmed down enough to speak.

"I don't give two shits," Jasper shouted and sat on a curb across from me.

"What did you see? What did you hear?" Did he get it? Did he understand without me having to tell him?

"I saw him all over you. I watched him reach towards his baby. Did you tell him?"

I shook my head softly. "No. And I've told you that I can't. He keeps asking. It's almost like he wants this baby to be his. Which is so awkward and weird."

"Why? It is his."

"Just shut up and listen." I licked my lips and took in a deep breath. "We didn't mean for any of it to happen. It started out innocent. And as things got worse, we got closer. We kissed. And we talked but it didn't go beyond that."

"Immaculate conception?" Jasper raised his eyes in question.

"Shut the fuck up and listen!" He drew back at how loud my voice grew. "I can't tell you this if you're not going to listen. You don't understand how hard this is for me. I never wanted to say any of this out loud. And I still don't. It's not what you'd think. But I don't care what you think. Because you're version of it... I could live with that. Just think of me as a slut and a home wrecker... whatever you want. Because you're lies are so much easier to digest than the truth."

"That's not an answer," he simply stated.

"I know. But can't we leave it at that?"

"If that was it then there is no reason for you to tell him. You both made this choice now live with it."

I exhaled loudly. "But I told you, it's not that simple."

"Explain. And it better be damn good. If it's not you will tell him. Or I will. And I don't think I will be very nice about it."

I chewed on my bottom lip and thought about my words carefully. "Like I said, it started out innocent. And they were continuing like that, slow and innocent. We both knew we had something going on and we liked it. But we weren't going to do anything until we both got out and made things right. But then..." my words got lost in my throat. "Things got really complicated in there. You saw it. You knew what I went through."

"So that gives you free reign to fuck whoever you want?"

"No," my voice lowered to a whisper. "It wasn't like that. And even if you think that of me... Do you really think Edward would do something like that?"

Jasper snorted loudly. "I didn't think he would but he did. It's not like you held him down and raped him." I took in a sharp breath at Jasper's words. Tears instantly stung in my eyes. "Shit, Bella. I'm an asshole. I didn't mean that." He dropped to his knees in front of me and wrapped his arms around me. "It was a bad choice of words."

"See?" I asked him, hiccuping through my cries. "Sometimes things happen even if you don't mean for them too."

"There's a difference between saying something stupid and doing something stupid."

"Not as much as you'd think." I continued to cry on his shoulder. He gently rubbed my back, tracing small circles until my cries stopped.

"None of this explains how it happened."

"I know," I paused for a moment. "I wasn't crying for the reason you thought. It...I... It's because you weren't too... Before I go any farther you have to promise me something." He nodded in agreement. "You will understand as soon as I say it. And once it's been said, you will forget about it. No one will know. We will never speak of this again."

"Bella, he has a right..." he stopped himself short. "I will promise not to say anything if I feel like that's the best idea. But I don't see how that is possible. Like I said, you two made the choice now deal with the consequence."

"It wasn't a choice. Just like you didn't have a choice on if you wanted to be a hostage or not. Sammy didn't have a choice when Nemo killed his mother. None of us really had choices when we were in there. We just went along with the it and prayed that we would make it out alive. I don't know why I ever told you the truth or at least some version of it. I guess I just wanted to tell someone. Because it's hard to keep it all in. I hope and I pray that there are only three people who know what happened. You're going to be the forth and the last. And you _will _keep my secret. Because there is no way that I am letting Edward know that he is the father of this child." My hand instinctively fell to my stomach.

And my story stopped before it could start. The sound was so quiet that I thought I imagined it. It was the sound that I had made when Nehil kick me in the ribs. The way that all the air was forced from someone's lungs in a painful soft gasp. I didn't think words could pack that much of a punch, but I guessed wrong. When I looked up, all I could see was Tanya's strawberry blonde curls bouncing as she ran away from me.


	19. 19: Your Hands

**Chapter 19**

**Your Hands Can Heal, Your Hands Can Bruise**

I already knew that my life was completely ruined and over but I wasn't going to let that happen to Edward. Or Tanya for that matter. I'm sure that's how she felt. Not to mention, I am selfish and I mostly didn't want Edward to know my dirty little secret.

I moved faster than I thought possible and ran past Tanya and in front of her, stopping her in her tracks. "Please," was all I was able to say, as if somehow good manners would make it all better. I didn't know what to say next. There were so many things I could say but none of them sounded right. Fresh tears streaked down her creamy cheeks, glistening under the pale light of the streetlights. She cried loud, heavy and brokenhearted sobs that I was very familiar with. She shuffled on the balls of her feet, trying to sidestep me and run away. I grabbed her arms gently and tried to meet her eyes. "I know that you want nothing more than to murder me with your bare hands but I am begging you to give me a chance."

"Why?" she said, sniffling. "I came out here to check on you. I loved you like family because you saved mine. I knew Edward came out here to talk to you. And I know that you haven't been getting along. He's been kind of an asshole. And I guess I can understand why. He's been spending all his time lying to me so he could fuck you. I trusted you. I invited you into my home. Just so you could flaunt this affair in my face?"

"No. I didn't mean for you to hear about it. No one was supposed to know. And I know that doesn't make it any better but..." I looked around, waiting for someone else to come. I had already had three unexpected visitors pop in on me when all I wanted was a few peaceful and quiet moments alone. "Can we go somewhere? To talk?"

"I don't have anything to say to you."

"But I have a lot to say to you. I know what you heard is... shocking. But it's not what you'd think. Not at all. I just need a chance to explain it to you then you never have to see me again. I am leaving. I am moving to Phoenix. And I promise that you will never see me again."

Tanya weighed her options, staying quiet for a long time. She nodded her head, finally granting me my wish.

"I'll make your excuses for you. Take Edward's car. I will make sure he gets home. And give you enough warning," Jasper finally jumped in the conversation. He surprised me by giving me a sympathetic look. I was sure he was going to dance around like a three year old yelling 'I told you so'. But instead he wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head. "We'll finish later," he said softly. "Call if you need me. I can be there in five minutes." And with that he disappeared back into the restaurant.

The ride to Tanya's was silent and extremely awkward. Sitting across from her at the kitchen table was even worse. There was no good way to start this conversation. So it was time to do what I do best, stall and make excuses and hope she doesn't notice. "I don't know what to say to you that will make you understand. I don't think that there is anything that will make this okay. No version, lie or truth, is going to make it sound any better."

"Damn right it won't," she said, sounding angry for the first time. "How am I supposed to forgive my fiancee's mistress?"

"I'm not... I wasn't his mistress. It was only once. And it didn't mean anything."

Her emotion showed all over her face; her brow creased with worry, her lips formed into an angry scowl, her eyes reflecting nothing but hatred for me. And I couldn't blame her. "Did you do it here? In my house? In my bed? With me and my daughter here?"

"No," I replied quietly. "Please give me the benefit of the doubt. I know that is asking for a lot. But please understand that it didn't happen how you think it did. I didn't move in this house to be closer to him and to break you guys up. I never wanted that. I want you guys to stay together and be happy and perfect. We never did anything here. It was just once, a long time ago. It was an accident."

"How do you accidentally fuck someone else's boyfriend?"

"It's not what you'd think. I know what you are obviously thinking, probably in haunting detail too, but it's nothing like that. I've never lied to you and I don't want to start now. But I don't think I can tell you the truth. That isn't going to help. It probably doesn't even sound better than what you are thinking about. You weren't there. You-you wouldn't understand. I don't think anyone would. And you won't ever see things the same again. And it shouldn't be like that. Just trust that Edward didn't do anything wrong. It was all my fault and hate me forever. But please don't tell him. That is all I ask."

"I can't do that. You know I can't. I just want the truth. I want to hear you say it."

"I can't do that. Just believe that it was never meant to happen. It's something that we've both moved on from. We promised not to think about it or to tell anyone because as far as it matters to us, it never happened. He doesn't know about this baby and he doesn't need to."

"That's not fair to him," she argued, not meeting my eyes.

"But it's the best thing to do. I told you that it's not what you'd think. Just pretend that you know nothing about this, please."

"I owe you nothing!" she shouted. She lifted her gaze to me and I saw the fire in her eyes. She was moving past sadness stage and was beginning to get angry. "And I can't just forget that you had an affair with my fiance."

"I told you, I didn't. Please believe that."

"I can't believe a single word you say! All you've done is lie to me."

"I never lied to you. I just didn't tell you the entire story. No one knows. Just forget about it. We didn't have an affair. It wasn't like that."

"Then how did you become pregnant with his child?"

I was finally out of time. I couldn't make excuses any longer, she wasn't listening. All I had left was stalling. I let the silence fill the room as I poured myself a glass of water. And as I stood at the counter taking long slow sips I wracked my brain trying to think of anything else to do to buy just a few more seconds to keep the truth hidden. Because once it was out there was no taking it back. It wasn't a secret anymore. It was out in the open ruining lives like a disease. I was again out of time. I sat back down across from Tanya, my grip so tight on my glass of water that my knuckles were white. I was almost afraid that I would crush the glass. It wouldn't be a bad thing. I'd have to go to the hospital to get stitches and that could buy me a few more hours. I released the glass and exhaled heavily. It was time. "Either answer is going to hurt. So I will let you pick your poison. Truth or lie?"

"Why would I listen to another lie?"

"Because it's easier. It might hurt for now but the pain and memory will fade as each day goes on." I shrugged my shoulders. "The lie is easier for me to tell. Less painful. And more believable. I would love it if you would just accept that Edward and I made a one time mistake. That we met up and meaningless sex in one stupid moment. It would be even better if you would understand that it wasn't his fault. I would love it if you could move on and forget all about it. And not even bring it up to him. Because if you do... he might be the one to tell you the truth which isn't as easy to take."

She laughed and rolled her eyes. "If that's your version of the lie then what is the truth?"

It should be easy to answer. Those were the memories that haunted me the most. But the words refused to come. I pulled air into my lungs but it refused to be formed into sound waves and words. I struggled against the silence for a minute before my first words stumbled out quiet and shaky. "I didn't want to. He didn't want to. But we... we didn't have a choice." I reached my trembling hands for the glass and took a drink, trying to calm myself. If only it was something a little stronger than water.

"You didn't have a choice? What the hell does that mean?"

"It means that we had to!" I shouted, the anger I had been holding inside me since it happened finally boiled over. The truth was finally coming out and it felt strange to say those things. It was an odd combination fear and of shame and of relief for finally admitting it out loud, unloading my inner guilt and fear. "It means that technically you could call it rape!" I shouted, finally saying the harsh truth of how I felt about it out loud. That was the truth that I wasn't even willing to admit to myself. "It means that neither one of us enjoyed a single second of it! It means that..." I finally broke down. I cried worse than she had. My sobs bordered on hysterical. And I nearly jumped out of my skin when she wrapped her arms around me in a comforting hug. How the hell could one woman be so nice all the fucking time?

I finally calmed enough to finish. "I guess it doesn't make sense unless I start from the beginning. The very beginning." I began from the moment that Nemo walked into the infant room and took control. I gave Tanya more detail than I gave my therapist. And slowly I started to wind down. Because she didn't care about the details. She would care about the emotions. "I was in trouble a lot. I somehow became the person that they would deal with. And it also mean that I was the person they punished. I put up with a lot. And I was okay with it. Better me than someone else. I didn't cry when they hit me. I even bit my lip to keep from screaming when he raped me. And each time something didn't go their way, my punishments got worse. And after every time Edward was the one to comfort me. He was my savior in there. And I hate to admit but I did develop feelings for him because of it. But I wouldn't ever act on it because even if I didn't know you, I couldn't do that to you. So it never went too far. And I apologize for every single hug and kiss that we shared. But it was all I had to keep myself from falling apart."

I chanced a look at her and saw that she too was crying. "There was one time that I wasn't the only one who pissed them off, Edward did too. So they took him into the room with me and they made him hit me. He didn't want to do it. He took a little bit of a beating before I finally convinced him that it was okay." I paused to gather my thoughts. "And the next time we both made them mad... like I said before, the punishments only got worse."

XXXXX

Nemo hoisted me up with his other hand and shoved both Edward and I into the broom closet. "Are you okay?" we both asked each other at the same time.

"You're bleeding," he said, reaching for my face.

"So are you," I reached for his arm.

"How fucking touching!" Nemo shouted. He paced the room frantically. He seemed to be a man unraveling. I did my best to ignore him and concentrated on Edward.

I pulled off Edward's shirt. "Does it hurt?" He shook his head no. I studied the wound, relieved to find it was only a flesh wound. The bullet that he was struck with had merely grazed his arm and seemed to have done minimal damage. The bleeding was already beginning to slow and stop. I tied his shirt around it just tight enough to apply a little bit of pressure to finally stop the bleeding.

"What about you?" he asked.

"I'm fine," I responded quickly. "I might be mildly concussed but it's better than everyone else. I did my best to block the images of the bleeding children out of my mind. I prayed that I was right, that they only suffered from shots to the arms and legs and would survive. But what kind of life would they lead after that? How does a child grow up feeling safe and happy after going through all of that?

"Enough with the fucking pleasantries! I didn't bring you in here to fucking chit chat! You need to be punished." He pulled me to my feet and slammed me against the wall. "And this time I promise you, I will break you. I am not going to let you keep getting away with shit, Princess." His breath was hot against my ear as he snarled his threats. He turned away from me and stared Edward down. "You move so much as an inch and it will only make me hurt her worse before I kill her. You know I can do it and I will. Be a good boy and just watch." I heard the loud clanking of his metal belt buckle as he unfastened it.

I knew the routine, I did my best to zone out, like I had done in the past. But it was much harder this time. Nemo's lips brushed up against the soft spots on my neck. His left hand snaked around me and rested briefly on my stomach. I could feel the cold metal of the gun in his right hand resting against my right hip as he moved his other hand up my chest. I bit my lip, tasting the metallic blood as I bit down harder to keep myself from breaking down and screaming. I involuntarily shuddered as his left hand traveled up to my chest, exposing my left breast.

"Don't do this!" Edward shouted rising to his feet.

Nemo ignored him and pushed his gun harder into my hip as a reminder. He laughed menacingly and then released me. "You know what, you're right. I don't want to do this. I have no interest in this bothersome piece of trash." Nemo stepped away, buckling his belt and I quickly tried to right my shirt. Not that Edward and everyone else hadn't already gotten an eyeful of me. Nemo continued to laugh as he approached Edward. "I'd much rather you do it."

"Do what?" Edward questioned, missing the obvious. That only made Nemo laugh harder.

I took in a deep breath and stared into Edward's eyes. "Me," I said quietly, taking a step closer to him.

"What?" he shouted, still not making the connection. And when he finally did, he looked horrified. "No." He looked right at Nemo when he refused.

Nemo raised his gun but didn't take aim. It was just a subtle hint of a warning. "If you would like to live, no is not an option."

Edward looked deep into my eyes, searching for an answer. I nodded, trying to reassure him. "It's okay." I closed the distance between us, my eyes never leaving his. He didn't say anything but his eyes spoke for him, offering an apology in advance. "It's okay," I reassure him again. It would only be easier on us if we got it over with quickly. So I unzipped the sweatshirt Edward and given me and let it fall to the floor. It was the only thing I was wearing.

Edward brushed away my hands as I tried to lift his shirt off of him. "Stop, Bella. I can't do this."

I took in a deep breath when I heard Nemo cock his gun. "You'd rather die than have sex with me?"

"No. I just don't think I can do it like this. Literally. I don't think it will work."

Nemo's laughter roared again. "Performance anxiety, little faggot? And I thought you actually liked her. I guess she was just your fag hag. You better get it up. Or she dies." I felt the pistol against the back of my head.

"Not helping," Edward muttered to himself.

"Close your eyes," I whispered. "Clear your mind. Forget about him. It's just you and me." My words couldn't have been very reassuring considering my voice was so unsteady. So to show more confidence, I unfastened his belt and slipped my hand inside his pants, gently massaging him. He responded by bringing his lips to mine for a slow and soft kiss to gently ease us into the mood. It didn't take long for the rest of his body to begin to respond, I felt him twitch and harden in my shaking hand.

But almost immediately after it started Nemo grabbed my hair and pulled my head back violently. "This isn't meant to be fun for you. You're not going to be making love," he spat. "You're going to fuck. Fast and Hard." He released my hair and began to shout out orders. "Get undressed." Edward quickly obeyed, his eyes trained on the gun that was still aimed at my head. "Push her. Throw her to the ground." I lie down on the cold concrete floor before Edward could even think about arguing with him. "You next." Edward dropped to his knees slowly.

"I'm sorry," Edward whispered as he lowered himself over top of me. I could see the fear in his eyes and the threat of tears. I nodded, trying to give him a small smile to comfort him but I failed miserably and ended up with an awkward grimace instead. It shouldn't be too bad. Had we not just minutes before admitted that we were going to give a relationship a try. Wouldn't it come down to sex eventually?

"What are you waiting for?" Nemo growled. "Fuck her like your life depends on it. Because it does." His laugher echoed off the four close walls. "Now!" He shouted when we didn't move. Edward buried his face in my shoulder, repeating his apologies as he slowly slipped inside of me. I inhaled sharply, unprepared for the sudden rush of pain. I bit my lip to stifle any sounds but a low groan escaped me anyway. I hadn't been a virgin for awhile but I suddenly felt like I was again. I turned my head to the right, to keep my tears hidden from Edward. I had been in this situation before with Nehil and I thought that this would be easier, with Edward being the one but I was wrong. It only hurt worse coming from someone that I cared about. "I said no making love. I want to see fucking," Nemo continued to shout his commands.

"I'm sorry," Edward kept repeating, his face still buried in my left shoulder, hiding his remorse and shame, as he thrust into me.

"Harder!" Nemo shouted as he began to laugh again. The pain rippled over me with each thrust, and they only got harder and faster with each one. The feelings building inside of me weren't that of pleasure it was of pain. It magnified with each passing moment to the point I felt certain I would break apart. A choked sob escaped me and only encouraged Nemo more. "Harder!" My body began to shake as Edward obeyed Nemo's every command. The heavy thrusting rocking my body, creating a lot of friction between my injured back and the hard concrete floor. I stared at the back wall, the rows of dirty brooms and mops mounted on the wall even seemed to be laughing with Nemo. "Don't tell me, you aren't enjoying this?" Nemo bent down and whispered in Edward's ear. "I want you to get off on the power you have over her. On the pain you are causing her." I kept staring at the mops and willed myself to zone out but no matter what I tried, I could not get lost in the moment.

It seemed to take hours but finally Edward's movements became strained and erratic and I felt the familiar warm rush that signaled his completion. And he finally stilled inside of me with a pained grunt. Nemo's laughter trailed off and he applauded our performance.

"I'm so sorry," he said again, as he finally lifted his head from my left shoulder and tried to meet my eyes but I couldn't move my head to meet him. I just lie still, staring at the mops that were now beginning to cloud as the tears welling in my eyes.

XXXXX

Tanya held me close as I finished the story. I left off the details but it was still painful enough to say. And listen too, I'm sure. Her fingers combed through my hair, trying to bring me comfort. It took a long time but I finally calmed, crying myself out. I detangled myself from her and could see the tear stains on her face as well. "See?" I said, my voice cracking, being strained from crying. "The truth hurts worse doesn't it?"

Fresh tears streaked down her face as she pulled me against her chest again where we both resumed crying.


	20. 20: Oh, My, Look What You

**Chapter 20**

**Oh, My, Look What You've Done**

"I don't know what to say," Tanya says after all of our tears finally dry up.

My phone vibrated loudly on the kitchen table in front of me. I noticed one new voicemail from earlier and ignored it, paying attention only to the text Jasper had sent as his five minute warning. He did a good job stalling. I got way more time than I thought I would. I got to tell Tanya most of my hostage story without missing too many details. And most importantly, she knew all the dirty details on me and Edward. Now I just had to make sure that we were on the same page. I don't think she hated me anymore for what happened. I just have to make sure that this secret stays between us. "Tell me that you understand. Tell me that you don't hate me. That you don't hate him. Tell me that you won't say anything," I almost begged her.

"How could I hate you for that?"

"And you won't say anything?"

She was silent for a long time. "I don't know." I stared at her, waiting for her to see it my way. To agree with me. "I need to think."

What was there to think about? "Why?" I asked, my voice holding a slight edge of anger in it. I wrapped my arms around myself in an attempt to quell the panic. No one could know about this. She had to understand why. "I told you, you didn't want to know this. You didn't want to be burdened with it like I am. Because now that you know, you can't go back. You can't help but be consumed with it. So how do you live your life like you're supposed to? How do you look at me or at him and think of anything else? I don't know. Because I haven't figured it out yet either."

"I know. It happened and I can't not think about it. I became very close to you since I've met you. I already knew you did amazing things to save my family. And now... to hear everything you went through. My heart breaks even more for you." She pauses and runs her fingers through her hair. "How can I keep this to myself? How can I pretend that I didn't hear that. That I don't know..." she trailed off, not knowing what else to say.

I thought that I didn't have any more tears left in me but I felt my eyes sting with the new tears again. "You have to. It's not your secret to tell."

"I know," Tanya said, her voice breaking. ""I know you didn't have a choice. I know that he didn't have a choice. But I still can't forget it. No matter if you guys wanted it to happen or not, it did. How can I kiss Edward when he comes home tonight? How can I go to bed with him and not think about it? I can't sleep with him again and not think about what happened between you two. How can I possibly ever fuck him again and not think about what he had to do to you. How badly you've been hurt by this. I won't be able to picture anything else in my mind."

"It's not his fault. He didn't want to," I argued.

"I know," she agreed. "How am I supposed to look at you and watch your belly grow and not say something?"

"You won't have to," I reminded her. "I tried to stay here and get back to a normal life and that clearly isn't working now. I am having a hard time being around Edward." I stopped myself before I could tell her any more on that. I didn't want to tell her why it hurt so much to be around him. I am trying to keep them together, not tear them apart. "I have no choice but to move to Phoenix with my mom. Get a new start."

"You can't!" Tanya practically screams at me.

"Please, you have to think about what this means. It's bigger than you. This would would ruin my life. Edward's life. And yours. Don't ruin what you have with him. It's not worth it."

"I don't want to," she cries. "I love him. But I need time. I don't know how to think about this. I don't know how to carry it around with me and not think about it. I don't know how you do it. But you shouldn't. You can't. You can't keep this from him. If he is the baby's father then you can't deny him his rights."

"Do you know what you're asking me?" I demand her, my voice rising slightly. "You want me to tell everyone what I just told you? You want everyone to know. You want me and Edward to suffer those looks from people? Haven't we been through enough?"

"So don't tell them. But you can't keep him from his child," she argues.

"How do I allow him to be a father without telling people what happened? Allow them to look at you with pity because they think you're the poor fool still with some guy that cheated on you? Have them give me dirty looks because they think I'm his mistress that flaunted her affair by moving in with you two? You aren't thinking this through. We can't tell anyone. It has to be a secret. It's the only way."

"But it's not fair."

"Fuck no, it's not fair! None of this is fair."

She stands and paces the room. "I don't know. I need to think."

"Don't. Just let it go. It's better if we forget all about it. I've been doing fine with that for months."

"I don't know if I can. I don't know if i can keep this from him. He has a child. He would want to know. He will want to be there. You shouldn't have to do this on your own. I know what it's like to be a single mother."

"It's better if I'm on my own. For everyone. If you tell him, do you know what will happen? He will be there for this baby. And no matter how hard you try, you will be jealous."

"It's not about me or you, it's about that child who deserves to have a father. I raised Raena on my own. And I can't believe that a good man like Edward wanted someone like me. I can't believe that he is this willing to help me raise my daughter. And if he is that willing to help with Raena, just imagine how much love he will have for a child of his own. I can't keep him from that."

"Don't look at it like that."

"I can't help but look at it like that. How else is there to see it? Would you rather that child grow up with two loving parents or one? What about when they grow up and start asking about their father? Are you going to keep lying? What are you going to say? That he was an asshole that raped you? That you never wanted this child? Think about the consequences. Think about the future."

"Think about your future!" I shout at her. "Do you think your relationship will survive this if you tell him? What? Like we can we really live together as one big fucked up family? Do you really want to share your family time with mine? Do you want to share Edward with me? And what about your daughter? Don't you think Raena will start asking questions when she gets older. Won't she want to know how this happened? How are you going to explain it to her?" Tanya slowly sank back down into her seat across from me and sat quietly. I finally found the right never, hopefully scaring her into seeing it my way. "What do you think will happen? If you don't forget about it you ruin everything for everyone. But if you keep this a secret... we all have a chance."

"I don't know..." she says, her voice so low I almost don't hear it.

"Please," I beg, grabbing her hand and giving it a small squeeze.

She looks into my eyes, I can see her brain processing, trying to find the right answer. "Do you love him?" she asks, suddenly. I am taken aback by her question. And I don't know how to answer. I know the answer she wants to hear and I should say no. But that isn't entirely the truth. I do have feelings for him. I don't know if it's love. But it's close. How could I not fall for him in those moments we were together. How many times he saved my life and treated my wounds. He was the thing that kept me going. He was my rock. He was my sanity. And when we got out those feelings never stopped. "You give me your answer and I will give you mine."

I open my mouth to speak but I have no words. I can't lie to her. But I can't tell her the truth. We are right back to where we started. I hear the car pull into the drive. "Don't say anything tonight please. You know I'm right," I say as I stand from the table.

"I'll do my best," she said standing for the table and pushing in the chairs. "But we will finish this." I agreed, nodding my head. It was all I could do to keep her from saying something to Edward and ruining it for me. At least it bought me some time to think of a good solution.

"Bella," she called just as my hand reached for the door knob. "If what you say is true... how does he not suspect that it's his baby?" she asked, her voice calm and quiet. I looked away from her, unable to come up with a good answer fast enough. "He does, doesn't he?" I don't respond. I just push open the door and slip out the back door into the darkness, praying that everything would work out.

XXXXX

The tears spilled from eyes faster than I could wipe them away. I ignored Nemo's laughter and Edward's pleading apologies. I couldn't deal with any of it right now. I just needed to get away. I needed to be alone. I pulled Edward's hoodie around me tightly as I pushed open the door and walked as quickly as possible across the gym. I knew everyone left was staring. I'm sure they wondered about the tears I had been able to hide for so long. I'm sure they wondered about the fresh wounds. And if they were looking close enough, I'm sure they wondered about the blood between my legs.

I didn't turn on the light. I just backed myself into the far corner, my back sliding down the wall as I balanced on the balls of my feet. I hugged my knees and cried. They were all the tears I kept held in since the beginning of this situation. I cried so long and so loud that I didn't hear the door open. I didn't hear the footsteps approach me. And because of that I almost jumped out of my skin as I felt arms around me. I jumped straight up and fought against the arms. I pushed and I hit and I kicked as I backed up farther against the wall. I couldn't see who it was but I knew who it was just the same. And I needed time and I needed space. He had to understand that.

"It's just me," Edward's voice interrupted the steady sounds of my tears. He approached me again, this time more cautiously. "I'm so sorry." He didn't need to say it. I already knew that he felt like shit about the entire situation. I'm sure in ways he felt worse about it than I did. I tried to resist him as his arms tried to encircle me. I twisted and turned but he still didn't get the message. He still wrapped his arms around me tightly and brought his lips to my ear, to whisper his apologies.

"Don't!" I screamed and backed away from him. On instinct I pulled his sweatshirt even tighter against my body. I knew with the lights out he couldn't see me and it wouldn't matter if he could anyway. But it brought me a little bit of comfort none the less. I felt his hand rest gently on my shoulder and I shook and shuddered until he backed away from me. "Don't touch me!" My voice held a little anger tied in with depressing pain. "Please," I begged him. Tears didn't just threaten, they poured from my eyes. He continued to apologize and it only made me angry. Couldn't he see that it wasn't helping? I just needed some time. I needed a little space to freak out in privacy before I could pretend my life went back to normal. Could I tell him these things? Did I have a choice? No. If I didn't he would never leave me alone. When I opened my mouth to tell him all of this, all I could do was scream. When I finally ran out of air I sobbed.

I closed my eyes tightly against the blinding light as Edward flipped on the light. I guessed that seeing me in that state helped him to understand my pleading. He settled down and sat cross legged on the wall across from me. His eyes never seemed to leave me as I continued to throw a tantrum that would rival any toddlers. But I had a reason. I was broken. They finally broke me. It wasn't them that could hurt me. It was Edward. He waited until I calmed before he so much as moved. He slowly drew his legs up to his chest and rested his head onto his knees. "Did I hurt you?" he asked, his voice soft and low as if any sudden changes might startle me into another fit. And it just might have.

The laughter that escaped me bordered on hysterical lunatic. I guess that's what I must have look like too, judging my the pained look on his face that he tried desperately to keep from showing. "Of course you hurt me," I finally answered. The way his face contorted at my answer set me off into another round of tears. This one passed much quicker. "I know it's not your fault," I said as soon as I was capable of speech again. "Don't blame yourself."

"How can I not?" his voice cracked as he spoke.

I finally met his eyes and shrugged. "It's easy," I said simply, all emotion had left my voice. I was cried out. My breakdown had passed and I was once again able to resume my strong and unaffected demeanor. "It never happened."

"Bella, I-I..." he stuttered. "I will never be able to forget about that. I will feel guilty about it for the rest of my life. No amount of anything I ever do for you will ever make up for it."

"Please. Don't," I begged. "I don't blame you. You... doing that, it kept us alive. And I know that I am not the only one that is going to have nightmares over it but please allow me to be selfish right now. It was bad enough..." His face collapsed into a look of complete sadness with each word I spoke. His body trembled and tears slipped from his eyes. "It was hard enough to live through let alone to continue to think about. So please, can we just pretend it never happened?" He didn't respond to my desperate pleading. "Please, Edward. I can't. I can't think about it anymore. I can't talk about it. I can't relive it. I need to let it go. And so do you. Or I will never be able to..." My voice became more hysterical with every word. I was on the verge of another fit when Edward finally caved in.

"If it never happened," he said, his face calming and the tears stopping. He got to his feet and slowly walked towards me. "Then we need to clean up every trace of it off of you." His voice was cold and distant. I could tell he was struggling to keep his composure for my sake. "Let me help you." He held out his hands to me I hesitated but eventually accepted and he helped me to my feet.

Edward led me to the sinks and I grimaced the moment I saw my reflection. I butchered my own hair. It fell in dirty, choppy clumps some stuck together with dried blood. My face was swollen and bruised. The cut above my left eye reopened in my struggles during the escape attempt. My lip was split down the middle and there was still a trickling of blood coming from my nose. I glad I couldn't see the rest of my body in the small mirror. I'm sure it didn't get any better.

Edward turned on the faucet and placed his hands on my shoulders, delicately helping me lower my head into the running water. He gathered some soap and lathered it in his hands and massaged it into my hair. He carefully rinsed until the water was no longer red with my blood and the bubbles had all disappeared. He had no way to dry my hair so he let it fall down against my face and drip. He cradled my cheeks for a second before then running his long fingers through my hair. I made a good effort not to cringe every time his fingers tangled into a thick knot of hair. He gently worked his fingers through until my hair looked somewhat normal. At least it was cleaned.

He gathered a handful of paper towels and dampened them in the sink. He gently took my face in his hands, his eyes meeting mine and I could see nothing but an infinite sadness in them. He carefully wiped my face down, the towels becoming red almost instantly. He threw them away and continued to wash my face until it too was clean.

His hands came to my shoulders and pushed his sweatshirt off right shoulder. His eyes met mine in a silent question. I nodded my head and he slowly unzipped the oversized sweatshirt and gave it another push until it fell to the floor. I nearly lost it again at the sight of Edward as he took in my battered body. His eyes grew too large. His breathing halted for a few seconds then quickened, his chest heaving. The grip he had on my shoulders increased to become painfully tough, his short fingernails digging into my skin. He tried to keep from making a sound but despite his best efforts a painful strangled sob rumbled from deep within him. "Oh, God, Bella! Look what I did to you." His body gave out and he collapsed onto me. His arms encircling me and holding on for dear life. He buried his face into the crook of my neck. "I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry," he sobbed. "I will spend the rest of my life making sure no one ever hurts you again. I know I can never make it go away. I know I can never make it up to you but I am going to try like hell until the day that I die."

My body tensed and stiffened. Even if I had wanted to cry and wrap my arms around him, I couldn't. I couldn't do a thing, my body was paralyzed by a tense fear. "Please, don't do this. We promised," I whispered. He seemed to be in a trance, my words bringing him no comfort at all. So I switched tactics. I held his face in my hands and forced him to look into my eyes. "You didn't do this. You didn't hurt me. Because nothing happened between us. They've been hurting me the whole time. This is them. Not you. You would never hurt me." I nodded and he copied my movement. "Now please help me get cleaned up. I can only imagine from your face how awful the rest of me looks."

He pulled away from me and grabbed another handful of paper towels. And gently he ran them all over my upper body he was very gentle with my back and I tried not to wince as he tried his best to be careful with the reopened wounds. And handful after handful of paper towels slowly my body was being cleaned and it brought me a little comfort. For as dirty as I felt, at least I didn't look it now. He hesitated again when he came to my lower body. I could see his body tense and his breathing hitch. "Bella, I..." he trailed off, holding the damp tissue near the apex of my thighs. I didn't respond. I couldn't. I was frozen. And he seemed to be as well. I heard a small whimper escape his throat. "I'm so..." but he stopped himself. "I'm sorry if this hurts you," he finally said as he began to wipe away all traces of his assault on me.

XXXXX

I carefully and quietly sneak around the side of the house and find Jasper's care idling in the street. I climb in, close my door and don't meet his eyes. I rest my head back against the seat and close my eyes. Maybe if I pretend to sleep, he will leave me alone.

"You look like shit," he says as I feel his care lurch forward to life.

"Thanks," I whisper and sink deeper into the seat, trying to disappear.

Jasper leaves it at that. He drives in silence not pressing me for information. I don't know if I am relieved or not. No, I do not want to go over my entire story again. But in a sense if I'm going to have to say it, I just want to get it over with. No reason to keep dragging this out. Having to rehash the same painful story two days in a row. Because I know Jasper won't relent. He has been on me for the truth for so long now. I can't stall much longer. I released a heavy sigh. "Edward raped me." The car jerks to a sudden stop as Jasper slams on the breaks. "Shit, Jazzy," I say, trying to recover from the sudden stop. I massage my shoulder where the seatbelt dug into my the tender flesh that had just healed.

I focus my attention on him. I have never seen his eyes grow wider. "What the fuck did you say?" he says each word slowly, almost as if it is it's own sentence. His knuckles are white as he squeezes the steering wheel. He looks wild. Almost feral. Oh shit. Maybe this was a bad idea.

"Calm the fuck down," I demand, knowing it won't do any good. There is no good way to take in that information, especially the way I just said. "It's not like that."

"How the fuck..." he starts screaming but stops himself and closes his eyes. He takes in three deep breaths. His grip loosens on the steering wheel and I can no longer see the quickness of his pulse in the throbbing vein in his neck. The crazy is still in his eyes when he opens them again. But when he speaks at least he is no longer yelling, "there is only one way to take the word rape."

"I used to think that too," I bite my lip and look away. "But then... You know what happened to me in there. You know that Nehil... raped me. I think everyone knows about that. They saw things and they heard things. And I brought a lot of it on myself. I thought I could take it all so no one else would have to. Why make so many people suffer. It just didn't make sense to me. What is the difference between one beating and one rape compared to five or even ten? It already happened, nothing was going to take that away. And regardless of what happened and how many times, the pain stays the same. So why not just keep taking it myself and save everyone from the same broken fate I suffer now." I stopped and took a few deep breaths to calm my shaking voice. "I thought I could handle everything they threw at me and for a while I did. Then... Fuck! He is smart. Nemo is smart. He knew what would break me. And he fucking used it. He used Edward. He said it was our punishment for the escape plan. He forced him to... He made Edward..." I just couldn't say the words again. "Edward tried to refuse. But Nemo held the gun to my head the entire time." There were no tears this time. I had none left. "He broke me. And he broke Edward too." I finally turned away from him and looked outside at the row of houses lining the street. Were any of the people inside those houses as broken as me. Were any of them suffering? Or was I the only one?

"Thank you for telling me," he said, his voice returning to a quiet and almost calm tone. I was thankful that he wasn't making it a big deal. He listened and took it all in and didn't freak out. He didn't try to apologize for something he had no control over. He didn't wrap me up and promise to make it all better because it would be a lie anyway. It's like he knew exactly what I needed in that moment. "I get it. I understand why you don't... I'm not going to tell. You probably should. Edward would want to know. But it's not my place to tell. I shouldn't get involved."

"Tanya knows. I told her the truth. And it all but destroyed her. I don't think she's going to keep my secret."

"Maybe it's for the best," he says simply. And we remain in silence for the rest of the drive.

Jasper makes excuses for me to Alice while I sneak into their guest bedroom and curl up on the air mattress they left out for me. I pull my phone from my pocket and listen to the voicemail I had been ignoring in light of more pressing matters. Emmett's voice came through the air like a whisper. "-don't get it. Jesus, how fucking complicated can a phone be?" he sounded far away from the receiver. "Oh shit. Hello," he responded his voice louder. "I think this call connected. It's not ringing anymore. But I don't know. For all I know I'm talking to myself." He heaved out a loud and heavy breath. "Yeah, I'll go to bed in a minute. Fuck, these nurses are all up my ass. You'd think I'd been in a coma for weeks or something," he forced an awkward laugh. "Aww, shit, Bella. Are you seriously ignoring me?" There was a few seconds of silence before he spoke again. "Whatever. I remember. Not everything. Obviously I've got some major shit going on in my head. But I remember people visiting me. I remember what they said. What you had to say was pretty fuckin- Alright! Turn the fucking light out! I'll be done in a minute! Jesus! Come visit tomorrow. We'll talk. Maybe these fucking nurses will let me have that. Bye. Yes! I'm fucking d-" The message ended abruptly.

Not again. I cannot go through that same story again. I curl into the fetal position and cry as quietly as possible until I fall asleep.


	21. 21: There'll Be Nothing You Can Do

**Chapter 21**

**There'll be Nothing You Can Do**

I walked the halls of the hospital very slowly. No one really enjoys the hospital but I have grown to truly hate it and it's not just on principal alone.

The hospital carried so many more memories for me. I hate it for the smells. Not just the heavy scent of bleach and other cleaning solutions. But the blood. The smell of my blood all over me will forever haunt me. But that wasn't it. I remember the scent of other's bloods on my hands. The heavy stench of pure evil hung in the air around me. Just being back in these walls it brings back those haunting memories.

I hate it for the sights. I had seen my friends and family at their worst here. I had seen them broken and bleeding, struggling to survive. And remembering the few who didn't.

I hate it for the sounds. Screams of kids, that I may or may not have known. Screams from my family and my friends. Screams of pain and suffering. Loud crying from friends and family. The steady rhythmic beeps of machinery that meant everything was ok... until suddenly it wasn't.

I hate it for the simple fact that I have spent far too much time here in the past weeks.

And on top of my hatred of this place, I have to rehash the same traumatizing story. I hated to admit just how broken I was at the moment and I feared that my showdown with Emmett would only make matters worse. And I don't know how they could get any worse.

I paced the hall outside of Emmett's room about ten times before Rosalie stood just inside the doorway and glared at me. "Are you going to come in or what?" she snapped at me. I froze in place. "Now's a great time for you to visit. He is sending me on a pizza and burger and wing and... you name it he wants it. I guess not eating real food for that long really gives you some major cravings." We exchanged some small talk and then she left.

I still wasn't mentally prepared to face Emmett and his questions so I continued to pace the hall. On my third lap I heard Emmett cursing from the confines of his hospital bed. "Oh for the love of God, Bella! I can see you out there. Are you coming in or what?" If 'or what' was really a choice, I think I would take it.

I planted my feet and took in a deep breath. I spun on my heel and marched into his room. I was as ready as I would ever be. "Hello, Emmett," I said quietly, keeping my eyes drawn to the ground. "How are you feeling?" My voice was flat yet cordial, not the way I ever spoke to my friends.

"Like I just woke up from a three month coma. Now let's cut the crap. Sit down." He gestured to the chair to his left. "We've got a lot to discuss. I'm sure Rosalie won't be gone too long. And these nurses are in here doing things to me every ten minutes. Sit." He demanded again and this time I listened. I sank into the stiff green material and shifted around. I was never going to be comfortable in that seat so I gave up fidgeting and pulled my knees to my chest and tried to hide behind them.

"Play the game. You ask. I'll answer." I said, my voice muffled slightly as I continued to hide my face from him.

Emmett took in a deep breath and wiped the palms of his hands on the blanket draped over his legs. "I have a bad case of Swiss Cheese memory. Lot's of holes. With some help, I've already been able to get a pretty good picture of what happened in there. Rosalie gave me a good run down of things last night. She said that you risked your lives for everyone in there. Multiple times. Alice and Jasper stopped by this morning and they insinuated about some things. What they did to you. How they hurt you to punish you. And I'm sure the things they were willing to say out loud are only the half of it." He paused. I assume he was waiting for a response but I couldn't find my voice. My eyes already clouded with tears. He didn't continue so I lowered my feet to the ground and looked at him as the first of the tears began to fall. He reached for me and enveloped my small hands in his. "I remember a lot of those things clearly. Some of them not so much. And others not at all."

I nodded again. "Your family seems to have filled you in with some pretty accurate details. Why do you need me? What's your question?" My voice was unstable as I spoke.

"I'm getting there," he sighed. "I have some memories that I can't place. They've helped me sort through those. A lot of them are snippets of bigger things. Some of them seem to be nothing more than dreams. But there are a few that I need some more help with. No one that I've talked to was there for some of these moments."

I grew impatient as he paused again. I wiped away the tears and tried to keep my voice steady. "What's your question, Emmett?" my voice was cold and distant.

"We planned the escape?" He asked, though he sounded perfectly confident that he knew the answer. "The one that I ended up getting shot over." I nodded. "Edward too?" I nodded again. "And before you went off to save all our asses again, he kissed you." I pulled in a sharp breath. I don't know why. I was expecting it after all. "And it wasn't just a friendly kiss." He paused, waiting for me to rebuke his claims. "You don't deny it?"

I took a deep breath to try to calm my nerves. "No. I don't deny it. You were right there. But I doubt you fully understand what you saw."

He laughed, it sounded awkward, a little forced. "I think I know a little bit about kissing." He paused a moment and his smile fell into a look of concentration. "Edward told you he loved you."

I wasn't going to deny it. I couldn't lie to him. What was the point? The truth was buried in there somewhere. "Yes."

"Why?"

"One would assume because he loved me." I could tell from the look he gave me that he didn't like the answer. "I know your memory is hazy at best right now but you can't tell me that you don't know what it was like. It was hell in there. Things got intense. Edward helped me through it. I guess I helped him through some stuff too. We leaned on each other and helped keep each other sane. It felt a lot like love at the time."

"Is it?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "I can't really speak for him but I would guess it wasn't. You saw him and Tanya here together yesterday."

"And you?"

I didn't want to lie so I did my best impersonation of a politician and avoided the question. "Moot point."

I could tell he wanted to push it but he left it alone for a moment. "So we all went through hell together and it brought us all a lot closer together. Some of us a lot closer than others," his said. His eyes conveyed his meaning to me. "Then what happened?"

I'm sure he wanted a different answer but I was going to be literal. "All hell broke loose. You got shot."

"And you?"

"I ended up with a different set of scars. Some of them are carefully hidden under layers of clothes. But most of them you can't see them on my skin but just look at me. I bet you can almost see how fucked up I am under the surface right now." He squeezed my hands in gentle reassurance as another round of tears fell. We fell silent for a few minutes. I wanted to leave our conversation at that. He wanted to push for more details. But we both needed a break, if only for a moment.

"So you're pregnant?" he finally broke the silence. "Congratulations." There was a quick pause in the conversation. "How far along are you?"

"About three months," I said softly. I could tell he was doing some quick mental math. I don't know why he was dragging this out. He could just ask the damn question he wanted and make this a hell of a lot faster.

"But you're not wearing your engagement ring anymore." He noted, running his thumb over my fingers.

"Me and Jacob are over. I know you know this. You know _all _of this so just say it," I demanded weakly, pulling my hands from his. He didn't respond. "You told me you remembered everything so stop fucking around and just say it."

"Who's the baby's father?" He looked away from me.

I pulled my knees up to my chest and buried my face again. "Just say it."

"I need to hear it from you."

"I already told you all of this once."

"Then tell me again, damnit!" His voice boomed, echoing in the tiny room as he hammered his fists down onto the bed. His sudden anger brought my emotions to near hysterics.

I lifted my head and rested my chin on my knees, trying to keep him from seeing my body shake. "Don't make me say it," my voice was as soft as a whisper. "It hurts too much."

He grabbed my hands again and gently pulled me. He pulled me to my feet then patted his bed. I lowered myself down beside him and he wrapped his arms around me. "I'll kill him for what he did. How he hurt you. How he's still hurting you. The next time I see Edward I will kill him and no one will blame me."

Instead of cry, I laughed. "No." Emmett drew his brow in confusion. "It's not his fault." He stared at me and waiting for me to continue. I licked my lips and took a deep breath. "Of all the things you forget..." I sighed. "It was revenge. Nemo's revenge. For the escape. He shot you. He shot a bunch of kids and let them go. Then he forced Edward to..." I didn't finish the sentence. And from the look on Emmett's face, he didn't need me to.

"Oh shit," he cursed, the little coloring he had draining from his face.

"Exactly," I sighed. "That's why it's been such a big secret. Because it has to be. I can't tell anyone about it because they wouldn't understand. You were there and I bet you barely understand. The things that Nemo did... He wasn't violent or unstable like the others. He was worse. He was cold and manipulative and smart. And he knew exactly what to say and do to get what he wanted. And at the time we were all totally clueless to that." I was dangerously close to another meltdown. "I should have killed him while I had the chance."

"It wouldn't change anything."

"Just because it wouldn't change anything, doesn't mean it wouldn't make me feel better. I can't change my situation. I can't let anyone in on the secret for reasons I hope you understand. Things happened. I did things in there... I never thought I would could do. Never thought I would be capable of. I thought that I wouldn't be able to kill someone and if it ever came to that... I thought it would ruin me. But it didn't. I can live with that. I am almost happy that I did it. It's the best decision I made in there. That's not the moment that I have nightmares about. That's not one of the moments I regret. I regret that I didn't get to finish the job. I regret that James... Nemo is still alive and still trying to play his stupid fucking games with me. With us."

XXXXX

It didn't take me long to get over my pity party. Edward finished cleaning me up. After I was cleaned Edward was very careful not to touch me. So we cried. We made more promises. We pretended to forget. But the memory hung heavily around us.

We joined our friends (or what was left of them) outside the kitchen area and they thankfully didn't ask questions. But I did. "Emmett?"

"Rosalie snapped," Angela explained. "Her brother was knocked out and unresponsive and her boyfriend was shot in the head. She became a spitfire and somehow was able to hold them off so we could get him outside."

"And?"

Alice shrugged. "We don't know. The two of us trying to carry that ogre out should have been impossible but... We left him right outside the door and prayed that everything was going to be ok. It's all we could do. Even that was risking a lot."

"Rose?" I asked, looking at her sleeping form, curled up against Jasper in the corner.

"They knocked her around a little." Alice said. "Nothing too bad. She finally cried herself to sleep a few minutes ago."

"Jasper?"

"Still out from the hit he took."

"How many kids are left?" I asked, looking around the gym and finding it empty.

"All in the kitchen," Angela answered. "Ten total. Five infants. Two toddlers. Three school age."

We stayed quiet for a long while.

I snapped. It took me a long time to reach that point. But a girl has her limits. While inside I had lost count of things like hours and days, it all just ran together and seemed like one endless day. Sure I was as clean as I could get with some soap and paper towels but I had gone too long without a shower. I had barely eaten. I hadn't slept so much as fallen into a temporary coma from pure exhaustion. And I had suffered enough beatings to leave me with permanent scars. I was surprised I was alive at all.

We seemed to have said all that we had to say. We were quiet. Our captors were quiet. The kids were quiet. It was completely silent in a way it never had been. And somewhere in the silence something inside of me snapped. "This stops now," I said with a sudden conviction in my voice.

I couldn't watch any more of my friends suffer. I couldn't wait to see if they would live or die. I had to end it all before things continued and only got worse. I had no plan. I didn't care if I lived or died. I just wanted the nightmare over.

I turned my back on my friends and began to walk away. I heard Edward shout his protest but I ignored him. My pace didn't slow as I approached Nemo. "Just can't stay out of trouble can you?" he called to me. I ignored him and continued past him and up the hallway that could lead to my freedom. Still with no plan in mind.

"Where the fuck do you think you're going?" Nehil growled as he grabbed me from behind. He lifted me off the ground and I kicked and fought with everything I had, doing very little damage to him but he finally put me down and I again started to walk up the hallway. "Do you enjoy your punishment?" He was already at my heels. His hands gripped my waist and he dug his fingers into my flesh, keeping me frozen in place. "Is that why you keep breaking all the rules?" He leaned in close to me, pressing his body against mine, as he whispered into my ear. "Do you want me to hurt you again?" He brushed his fingers across my neck and through my hair. "Because you should know I won't let you run away from me."

"If I wanted to run away I would have done it already," I explained, my voice flat and detached.

"Then what's with the field trip?"

"I thought I'd go for a walk. Stretch my legs. Get a drink." I shrugged casually.

"Not without supervision, baby," Nehil's hands wandered down my shoulders and rested at my hips.

"As I've already said, if I wanted to escape I would have done it a long time ago."

Nehil laughed in my ear. "You think you've earned our trust in some way?"

"No," I responded looking back and addressing Nemo. "I'm not stupid but neither are you. You know I won't risk hurting my friends. I won't walk out the door until they do first."

Nemo chuckled behind me. "Let her go. Let's see where this leads."

Nehil grunted and reluctantly released me. I ignored their conversation as I stalked up the hallway, my mind spinning trying to find a way out of this mess. I turned into the office and stopped short. I had all but forgotten what lie in the office, the past days events having blurred together. Maria's body was still lying in the middle of the office, dry blood browned with age matted in the carpet, the stench of decay beginning to fill the room. I allowed myself only a moment for the memories and the grief to pass before I stepped into the office. I tried to ignore the body and the bloodstains as I moved about the office, willing myself to find some answer in the disaster. Rifling through desk drawers, finding nothing more useful than pens.

I paused a moment to stare at the door to Esme's private office. I wracked my brain, trying to recall days ago, back when this all started and I swear that door was left open. I peeked inside I worked on trying to save Maria's life to make sure that Esme wasn't also shot and bleeding on the floor. Now the door was closed. Had I imagined it? Had everything that happened affected my memory? It was possible.

"What is this about, Princess?" Nemo asked, suddenly appearing in the door frame behind me.

I tried to quell my panic of being watched as I approached the unlocked cabinet, grabbing a bottle of Tylenol and a set of keys from the hook. I shook the bottle of pills at him, hoping to distract him as I slipped another bottle into the pocket of the hoodie. "I have a headache. Among other things. I only wish there was something stronger," I explained as I unlocked Esme's office. Nemo laughed as I slowly pushed the door open, not knowing what to expect.

"What are you doing now? Nemo asked.

"I need something to wash it down with." I stepped into Esme's office and froze the panic rising in me again. You couldn't see anything out of the ordinary. Esme's office was in it's organized disorder sort of state. My eyes continued to scan the room and only because I know Esme and her office so well, I noticed a few things out of place. The phone at an awkward angle on her desk. The empty water bottle barely visible beside her desk, just beside the heel of the shoe that was on Esme's foot at the beginning of this adventure. I wanted to hold onto the hope that she had kicked her shoe off as she escaped when all of this started. But I couldn't. I knew she was there. I could feel her energy, wild and terrified as she hide, trying to keep herself safe. But more than just sense her presence, I could smell it, not like the unfamiliar scent of decay outside her office. It was the familiar odor of old urine soaked into the carpet that all of us that have helped to potty train the toddlers were used to. Nemo would notice it the moment he set foot inside this room. So I couldn't let him in. He couldn't know about Esme. He couldn't have another one of my loved one's to torture.

I checked over my shoulder, Nemo stood beside Maria's body looking into her lifeless eyes. I moved into the office quickly before he could notice. I walked around her desk and saw her. She was curled into the fetal position, hiding between her desk, visibly shaking. But her eyes were wide open and focused on me. As she took in the sight of me, all bruised, bloodied and battered her eyes grew even wider. I offered her a small smile, trying to reassure her. She seemed uninjured but I silently mouthed a question anyway. She nodded and offered a small smile in return. I opened the large oak cabinet behind her desk, trying to not be too obvious of my secret conversation with Esme if Nemo decided to look into the office. I pulled out the bottle of vodka she kept there for 'special occasions' like when we all got together and repainted the walls, or when Jessica finally got her CDA. There was only a quarter of it left but it would be enough. I unscrewed the cap and took a long drink from the bottle, letting the liquor burn my throat on it's way down. I took another drink with a couple of Tylenol and felt a slight tug at the pocket of my sweatshirt. I looked down to find Esme removing her hands from my pocket, a slight extra weight in in now. We exchanged more smiles and nods before I turned my back to her. I took another drink of the vodka, my already cloudy head getting a little more hazy. I reached in my pocket and felt for the small bottle and pulled it out, carefully squirting the contents inside the vodka and giving it a little shake.

I walked out of the room, closing the door behind me and took another small drink from the bottle. Nemo was still staring at Maria's body as I walked past him. "You stood up to Nehil and risked his wrath for a couple of Tylenol and vodka?"

I shrugged. "Mostly the vodka. Too bad there wasn't more. I don't think you'd blame me for wanting to get _really _drunk."

"No," Nemo said, approaching me and taking the vodka from my hand. "I can't hardly blame you. But your punishment is about pain. I think you deserve to feel that pain."

"You don't think I've been punished enough?"

"Clearly not," he nearly growled at me. "Anyone else would psychologically damaged beyond repair, shaking and sobbing in the corner for months to come. But you... I thought maybe I had you broken for a second. You ran away crying leaving your boyfriend devastated in your wake. And I thought I finally had you. But you try to clean yourself up," he said, brushing stray hairs out of my face. "And put on a brave face and continue to piss me off," he spoke, his voice low and rough.

"Is that why you allowed me to come up here? Is that why you followed me? I piss you off so you need to punish me more? You needed absolute privacy to rape me?"

"If that's what I wanted, I would have taken you a long time ago," he said through a smile. "I wouldn't have allowed Nehil to play with you. I wouldn't have let Omnis beat you. I wouldn't have let your boyfriend get a turn." His lips continued to curl into a smile while his eyes remained dead and empty. "And if I was going to choose anyone it would be that little brunette friend of yours."

Anger rose up inside of me. "Don't touch her," I said through gritted teeth.

"I've thrown you to the wolves. But I have been saving your little friend all for myself."

"I said, don't touch her."

"Haven't I proven to you by now that I am the one who is calling all the shots? That I am the one with all the power?"

"And haven't I proven to you that I am very resourceful. Do whatever you want to me. But if you touch her and I _will _kill you."

"I already do whatever I want to you. And when the mood strikes me, I will do the same to your little friend. And there will be nothing you can do to stop me," he said, his finger tips trailing down my jaw line to my neck where he wrapped his fingers around my throat like a halo. "And how the hell do you plan on killing me?" he asked, squeezing his fingers just a little. "If you were able to do it. You would have done it already." He squeezed his fingers tighter around my throat nearly cutting off my air supply. "I will break you. I will make you submit to me."

"You're going to kill me here? Without an audience?" I asked, my voice strained as I tried to find enough air.

"No," he responded releasing me. "There are fates worse than death."

XXXXX

I walked out of the hospital feeling a little better. My secret was out to a lot of people. It made me feel better to have gotten at least a little bit of that weight lifted from me. And so far everyone understood. No one hated me. Or Edward. And they were all remaining silent. But how long could that last? My luck wasn't that good.

I pulled out my phone noticing missed calls and a voice mail but I ignored it all. I had something I had to do first. I dialed and waited after three rings my mother finally picked up. "Hey, baby. How are you doing?"

If only I could tell her the truth. "Can I still move in with you?"

"Of course, baby. You know you are always welcome. I think this will be good for you. Get away for a little bit. Rest. Relax. Let mom take care of you for a little while."

"Thanks, mom." We continued to talk and make plans for a few more minutes before we both finally hung up.

I made a few more phone calls before listening to my voicemail. "Hey, Bella," I heard Tanya's sorrowful voice fill my head. "I kept my promise I didn't say anything. It was hard. But I owed you at least that much for all you did for my family. But I can't keep it up. It will slowly kill me. I've done a lot of thinking. And I have made up my mind. Meet me tonight. At the house at 7. I will make sure that we're alone." There was a short pause where I could hear her breathe over the line. "And Bella, be there or I _will _tell him."

_**Author's Note: **__So... there you have it. Another chapter done. I'm sorry it has taken so long to get it out. But I have been (stalling) having a little trouble with the chapter contents because we are coming down to the end of this story. I estimate two or three more chapters to go. And for those of you who are sad to hear that... there should be a short sequel to follow. If all goes well. I already have a plot worked up in my head._

_And as another note, I have been toying with the idea of writing some outtakes for this story. Maybe something from Edward/Alice/Tanya etc. point of view or something... anything really. Things that aren't a part of the story but you wish they were. If there are any moments you would like to see let me know and it might make the cut. Thanks for reading! And Merry Christmas!_


	22. 22: I am Ready, I am Fine

**Chapter 22**

**I am Ready, I am Fine**

It was difficult to fill the rest of my day. I had no where to go and nothing to do. Time seemed to go by slowly, which in a way was good. I didn't want to meet with Tanya. But it was the moment I have been dreading for so long that I just needed to get it over with. But no matter how much I wanted to get it over with, I still showed up a half an hour late (and was amazed that Tanya wasn't calling me to make sure I hadn't chickened out of our meeting).

During our brief conversation where I called her back to agree to this stupid meeting, she had assured me that she would leave the front door unlocked and I should come right in and make myself welcome. She insisted that her house was still my home as well. Even after everything. She really was an amazing person. I wish I could be even half as amazing as she was. Or that she could just be an awful person so I could finally get to hate her.

I stood on the front porch, one hand on the doorknob and checked the time on my phone, 7:37. I released a breath, I wasn't even aware that I was holding and let myself in. I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't what I got. The house was dark and silent. No television, no music, no sounds of life anywhere in the house, not even a single light on. Was I too late? Did she already leave to find Edward and tell him the truth? I shut the door behind me and prayed that the sound would make Tanya rush to begin this meeting. But there was nothing. "Tanya?" I called out quietly, afraid to disrupt the total silence of the house.

I nearly jumped out of my skin as a light was suddenly turned on. "She left," Edward said, his silhouette appearing in the hallway.

I was instantly filled with panic. "I'm only a little late. I was supposed to meet her here. She didn't say anything did she?" I cut my rambling off before I said too much.

Edward laughed and brought a glass to his lips. "She said a lot of things," Edward answered as he turned his back to me and walked into the kitchen.

My knees shook as I followed him. "Like what? What did she say?" My voice was so small I wasn't even sure he could hear me. Edward ignored me as he poured himself another glass of what looked like whisky. He sat down at the table and I copied him, sitting across from him. "Edward, I-"

"She left you a note," he cut me off as he slid a letter across the table. "I was just about to open it and read it. I was convinced you weren't coming back. Not after I..."

"I wasn't planning on it," I said softly. "I was just coming to talk to Tanya." He didn't respond, he just took another drink. He wasn't making it seem like she had told him anything but I could be wrong. What if she left him another note? And where the hell was she anyway? "Where is Tanya. This was kind of an important little meeting we were going to have."

"She's gone. She left."

"When is she coming back. It's really important that I talk to her."

Edward was silent for a moment. "She's not." He tips his glass and finishes it all in one large gulp. "I was a fool to think that my life would ever be the same. I knew it was stupid but I tried it anyway. And I failed miserably. I wasn't happy. Tanya wasn't happy. You weren't happy." He put his glass down and rested his head in his hands. "When we got out, I was going to do it. It was on the tip of my tongue. I was going to end it with Tanya, like I said I would. But then she ran into my arms and... I felt normal. Those three days melted away and it was just like it used to be between us. I thought it could stay that way. I couldn't have been any more wrong." He looked up at me, tears glistening in his eyes. "Today was the day where I was finally going to break it off with her. It was time to move on. She saw it coming. She had her bags packed before I could even tell her it was over. I guess she knew before I did. We were changed. And no matter how hard we try, we can't go back."

He walked away to fill his glass again. While I was alone, I tore open the letter and began to read.

_Bella,_

_I know I promised you that we would be alone to talk. But it's not me that you need to talk to. And we both know that._

_I know I promised to give you a chance to change my mind. But there is no hope in that. I have heard the story. I have made up my mind. And don't think it's out of spite or jealousy. I harbor no ill will towards you, no matter what you might think. You both had to make some difficult decisions and I know you question them but you shouldn't. You made the right choice. The only choice there was really. And not only does Edward deserve to know the truth. But I think you need to tell the truth. Keeping this secret is tearing you apart. And you don't deserve that._

_And speaking of things that you deserve. You deserve whatever you want. Including Edward. I put up a good fight. But in the end, I realized a lot of things, one of which is that you two are made for each other. I've seen the way you two look at each other when you think no one will notice. It looks a lot like love. Like you just found your other half that you didn't even know was missing until that moment. Edward and I never looked at each other like that. I thought it was love between us, but I guess we came up just short. I wish I would have seen that sooner and saved us all some time and trouble. And I'm not mad at you. Don't ever think that. I still think of you as a friend and that won't ever change. You've done so much for me and those that I care about. _

_But I am glad that it worked out this way. It's better for me and Edward to end this dying relationship before it's too late. And don't think of this is as your fault. I know you like to play the martyr. But this isn't about you. It's about me I guess. I tried but this isn't my happily ever after. But this isn't the end of my story. Edward wasn't my Prince Charming, he was just a really nice guy. But I know my Prince is out there somewhere, just waiting. But this letter isn't supposed to be about me and my story. This is about you. Edward could be your Prince Charming. He could be your happily ever after. You two (well, three) could be so happy together. Don't allow your guilt to make you run away and miss out on what could be the greatest thing of your life. You deserve to be happy. This could be it. Or maybe it isn't. But you'll never know unless you try. _

_Tanya _

The letter falls out of my hand and floats to the table. It wasn't what I was expecting. Nothing in my life ever goes as expected. Tanya's letter has left me confused. She isn't supposed to be kind and understanding. She should hate me. She shouldn't give me her blessing to be with Edward, she should be cursing me to die alone for ruining her relationship with a great guy. But even if she gives me her blessing. Edward doesn't want me. He has made that perfectly clear over the past several months. I push and he pulls away. And when he finally seemed to be willing to start over with me... it was all out of guilt. Guilt that he shouldn't be carrying.

When I finally look up Edward is beside me. "I know there is nothing I can say or do to make up for everything. But I'm going to try. And I'm going to start right now. By finally telling you the truth," he says, dropping down to his knees to look me directly in my eyes. "I know what I want. I've known all along but I was afraid to admit it. I was afraid to let go of the past because I was afraid of what the future might hold. I was afraid that you wouldn't give me a chance, not that I can blame you for all the ways I've hurt you. But I'm not giving up. I'm going to fight. I'm going to fight for you and never give up." He takes my face in his hands. "Because I lo-" I cut him off before he can finish by pressing my lips against his.

XXXXX

Nemo handed the bottle of vodka to Nehil and I watched as he finished what was left of the bottle in one large gulp. I rejoined my group and Edward tried to press me for information, particularly why my neck was red. I ignored him and allowed my mind to drift and wander. I had come up with possibilities and maybe even gotten the ball rolling on an escape plan but I still needed a lot of things to go just right and to do a lot more work. And it didn't help that I was at least a little drunk.

"Talk to me," Edward begged from beside me. I didn't even know he was there. I had so much I should say to him. His mother was there. Locked him her office. She's okay but for how much longer? And how much longer do we all have? This situation is a ticking time bomb for all of us. We needed to get out of there and I had some ideas and some items that could help us. But did I want to involve him again? He was already shot once, luckily I've had paper cuts worse that that. He was already subjected to their form of punishment and the guilt nearly tore him apart. I didn't want to drag him down again. No, I needed to do it on my own.

So after an hour of thinking I got permission to make lunch for those of us that remained. There weren't a lot of us left, which was good since there wasn't much food left. Of course Edward was at my side, though at least he was keeping a little bit of distance. Nehil was watching over us, snacking out of an oversized container of animal crackers. Despite wanting to keep Edward out of my plans I had no choice but to let him in. He could do what needed to be done while I provided the distraction.

"Don't worry about me. Do what I asked. No matter what happens. Just stay here and do what I asked you to," I left Edward before he could protest. It wasn't difficult to find a distraction. All I have to do is get close to Nehil and he distracts himself.

After Nehil is through with me and return to the kitchen. It doesn't look like Edward has done anything but when I catch his eye he gives me a small nod. "I hope it was worth it," he whispers.

It will be worth it if it works. And if it doesn't, it was all we had.

Lunch was served and eaten and we settled into an uneasy silence, just waiting for things to get bad again. We were all aware of just how short on time we were.

And finally I began to see the opening I had hoped for. Nehil paced, shaking his head slightly, his breathing heavy. No one else seemed to notice until he jackknifed at the waist and vomited all over the floor. It got Nemo's attention and that was all I needed. I gave out the signal and everyone raced towards the doors. I waited until everyone was clear before I followed.

As I walked I felt a hand at my shoulder and was jerked back violently. I fell to the floor and looked up to find Omnis with her gun leveled at my head. I closed my eyes and readied myself for the shot that would end my life but I heard Edward shouting for me instead. My eyes snapped open as Omnis aimed her gun at him. I kicked my legs out and knocked her off balance. I got to my feet quickly and tackled her. She dropped the gun as she fell. I mounted her and before she could react I grabbed and unfolded the pocket knife that Esme had slipped into my pocket and thrust it into Omnis' chest. When she screamed and began to fight me I pulled it out and drove it in again and again and I didn't stop until she stilled.

I thought that I would feel different. Attacking Omnis. Probably taking her life. But I didn't. I slowly got to my feet, wiping the blood from my hands onto the borrowed sweatshirt I wore. Edward was grappling an unarmed Nemo. I made my way towards them, knife clutched so tightly in my hands that my knuckles were white. Nehil was curled into the fetal position on the floor and as I passed he grabbed at my ankles. "What did you do to me?" Nehil asked, voice sounding choked and distant.

I tried to shake my leg to get this hands off of me but he was using all of his dying strength to hold on. So I dropped to my knees to respond. "In college my roommates boyfriend thought it would be funny to pull the Visine trick on his professor to get out of a test. It's rumored that if someone drinks visine they get diarrhea. So he went to his office under the guise of a study session and emptied an entire bottle into his coffee when he wasn't looking. When we all showed up to class and the professor wasn't there he bragged about what he did. How we should all thank him because he outsmarted our professor and not only did we get to skip our test but we got to laugh out how miserable he must be at that moment. But it turns out if you drink that much visine it does so much worse than give you some uncontrollable diarrhea. Our teacher was admitted to the hospital with a long list of life threatening symptoms. Nausea. Vomiting. Blurred vision. Dangerously low body temperature. Difficulty breathing. Seizures. If it goes untreated long enough coma and death. My roommates boyfriend spent some time in jail for his prank. I think I'll get off a little easier than that. I'm just glad that I was aware of what happened because that stupid and dangerous prank saved a lot of lives today. My professor didn't die. But I hope you do."

Nehil's face contorted into a look of pure anger and he drew his hand back to strike me. I didn't have time to react, his fist struck me and knocked me onto my back. "I will not let some little bitch like you kill me. And I will end your life for trying," he shouted, brining his hands around my neck. Blackness instantly blossomed into my vision as I struggled to find air. I brought my hands up and thrust the knife into Nehil's body. I tried to turn my head away and I felt the warm blood drip onto my face. It didn't take long for his grip to loosen and for me to roll out from underneath him, pulling in a deep and gasping breath. He grabbed at my ankles again and I kicked him away. My common sense told me to run away but I didn't. I couldn't. My body turned around to face Nehil, he was once again curled into the fetal position still pulling in short gasping breaths as his blue shirt darkened with blood.

I knelt beside him and raised the knife above my head. "You have done your best to hurt me and to break me. You may have hurt me but you will _never _break me. I survived this. I survived _you_. And despite your best efforts, this little bitch _will _kill you. And I will carry no guilt or waste a single tear over ending your worthless life," my voice didn't even sound like my own as is crossed over my lips. It was rough as a lion's growl. I drove the knife down into his chest and he stilled almost instantly.

I looked up to find the room quiet and empty. I stood, my bare feet slipping on the bloody floor as I raced across room to the door. The snow felt like hundreds of needles against my feet as I stepped outside. The snow was marked with a lot of blood and foot prints as I carefully stepped forward. I heard a gun being cocked from behind me. I turned to find Nemo holding Edward in a choke hold, gun aimed at his body. "You need hostages," I said quickly. "You know this entire area is surrounded by police, FBI, Swat teams... everyone. And if you want a chance of getting out of this alive, you need hostages."

Nemo paused for a moment and smiled. "Always so smart. But you got one thing wrong," he paused to lock eyes with me. "I only need one hostage." He pulled the trigger and the sound shocked my entire body.

XXXXX

Edward pulled away from me and stared into my eyes as if he were looking for answers. He opened his mouth to speak but I pressed my index finger to his lips. "Don't. Please, don't say anything. Just..." I trialed off and brought my lips to his again.

The kisses were slow and careful, something we never did in the past. There was always a sense of urgency when we kissed before. Like each kiss might be our last, because they could have been. But this time, we had all the time in the world. So my lips brushed against his in the gentlest ghost of a kiss. And with touch of our lips the kisses became longer and stronger but only marginally so. A slow fire kindled between us as I finally opened my mouth to him. I could taste the whisky on him and wondered if that was the only reason we were doing what we were doing. It didn't matter. I couldn't turn him down now if I tried. I wanted this too much for far too long. I wanted at least one time with him to erase the memory of our first time. I wanted to pretend that our child was conceived like this.

Slowly things progressed between us, his hands scanned over my entire body as if to memorize every contour. I did the same to him, my fingers gliding under his shirt and roaming over his chest. Our shirts were quickly lost in a frenzy and my bra straps fell off my shoulders and his hands traced the outlines of my body. His fingers slid down my neck and chest and under the silky material of my bra. His body tensed and he froze, quickly pulling away. "Is this what you want?" he asked, unable to look me in the eyes.

"Yes," I answered breathlessly and tried to connect our bodies again.

He pulled away from me again but finally met my eyes. "Not like this." He grabbed my hands and led me up the stairs and into his bedroom. We lied in the bed and our bodies tangled together again as the rest of our clothing was stripped away. He was hovering over top of me as still as a statue. "Talk to me. Tell me this is okay."

"This is okay," I whispered as I traced abstract patterns across his back. "I want this. I want you."

"I'm afraid that I'm going to hurt you. Again."

"Shh," I whispered into his ear as I pulled him down to me, feeling his body against mine. "It's not like that. This time it's just you and me. We're doing exactly what we want. When and how we want it. Don't think about anything. Just let go of everything and enjoy this. Like me."

His body trembled a moment then slowly the tension began to ease. "Keep talking," he begged.

"Forget about the past. Right now it's just you and me." I lifted my head and gently kissed a small trail across his neck. "Since the first time we've kissed I wondered what this would be like. How you would feel pressed against me. How your kisses would light my entire body on fire. How gently your hands would slide up my body just to tease me. How you could find and kiss every spot that I liked. How carefully you would-" I gasped as he filled me.

Edward froze, the color draining from his flushed cheeks. "Did I hurt you? Am I hurting you?" his words rushed out in a panic.

"No," I gasped and smiled at him. "This is perfect. It feels right." He released a heavy breath and carefully moved inside, again pausing me make sure I was alright. "Please, don't stop." I assured him with a breathy moan. "Please don't ever stop again." And he didn't.

"Never," he whispered. "I'll never let you go again."


	23. 23: Holding Me Back

**Chapter 23**

**There's an Old Voice In My Head That's Holding Me Back**

I was bordering on a panic attack. I woke up in a strange and unfamiliar room, my naked body tangled into another's. My only saving grace was that I slept without a nightmare. And once I was awake enough for my senses to fully kick in, I understood why. I was locked in an embrace that was familiar to me. It had kept me sane for a few of my worst moments. Edward. The events from last night came flooding back into my mind.

"Hey," Edward's sleepy voice groaned in my ear as he snuggled in closer to me.

"Hey," I responded, when I was finally calm enough to speak.

"You're still here," he ran his fingers through my hair, or tried to. My bed head was a tangled mess still and his fingers kept getting stuck. "Last night was too perfect. I was sure that it was a dream."

"No, not a dream," I reassured him, more because I needed to hear it too. I didn't think it was possible for us to overcome everything that happened and be able to function as a semi normal couple.

"And you're not going to run away from me this time?"

"Does it look like I'm going anywhere?" I ask as I bring my lips to his. Like last night our kisses started out slow. It was easier that way.

"This is okay?" he asked me between kisses.

"It was fine last night and it's still fine right now. But it's going to be less fine if you keep me waiting. Let's not make a big deal out of this, please. Can't we just for once live in the moment like normal people?"

He didn't respond with words instead he brought his lips to mine in a kiss. All of his previous hesitation was gone. This time he didn't pause to see if I was alright. There wasn't a moment of hesitation as he took me into his arms and pushed into me. This time it came to us naturally. There was fire and passion. It was raw and real. And most important, it was normal. With not even a hint of pain, regret, guilt or sadness. Not so much as a thought wasted on our tragic first time.

We were breathless, bodies sticky with sweat but still he held me so tightly as if I would disappear. And it's not like I could really blame him for thinking it. It's not like our relationship (if you could even really call it that yet) had been about anything else. One of us always pulling away from the other. Why would now be any different. Nothing had really changed. We admitted our feelings for each other. But we were still as broken as could be. There really was no way of undoing all that pain.

"I'm never going to let you go again," Edward whispered into my ear. He gently kissed my neck and laughed as my stomach interrupted the moment with a loud growl. "But I guess at some point I am going to have to feed you. I make a mean omelette," he suggested.

I couldn't hold back my grimace. "I'd rather not. The last omelette I at didn't sit well with me."

"French toast?" He offered, rolling out of bed.

"Sounds good," I sighed and watched him dress in the same clothes as yesterday.

"Take your time getting ready. I'll be waiting." He disappeared out the door and I couldn't force myself out of the bed. My brain was in overdrive. Could this really be it? Could being with Edward be the answer to all my problems? He chased the nightmares away for one night but could he do that forever? Could I give myself to him completely when I wasn't even sure what I had left to give? I forced myself into the shower, trying to still my racing mind by reassuring myself that things were okay and were going to keep being okay unless I did something stupid to mess them up. Like over analyze everything about my night with Edward and our future together. _Just live in the moment_, I reminded myself, _and everything will be okay_. Easier said than done. My mind wouldn't stop the entire duration of my shower and I had a feeling it wouldn't stop for the rest of my day.

Twenty minutes later I was across from Edward, nibbling on the French toast he made for us. I wish I could say it was delicious but honestly I didn't taste a thing. I was too busy trying to keep myself from having another panic attack.

"Everything okay?" Edward asked, clearing his empty plate from the table. "Is this too much? Is this too fast for you?"

"No," I answered quickly as I swirled the French toast in the thick syrup. "Everything's fine. You're perfect really. I don't deserve it."

"Stop being so hard on yourself. Nothing that happened had been your fault so stop trying to blame yourself for everything. You _do _deserve to be happy."

"I didn't mean it like that," I rolled my eyes but still couldn't bring myself to meet his gaze. "It's not about what happened. This is about now. I didn't think we would ever get here. It's a little shocking and overwhelming. I'm still adjusting to this life now. New place. Need to get back to work. Baby on the way. New boyfriend," I risked a peek at him and saw his smile. At least I knew where we stood now. "And I want to be happy, I do. But it's been awhile and it will take me a little bit to get all the way there. I'm close though, don't worry." I flashed him a smile I hoped was convincing enough.

"I know what you said before but things have changed now," he started off quietly. "I want to know if you're carrying my baby. And regardless of the test result, I want to be the dad."

I drew in a quick breath. I wasn't expecting that. Not that I didn't think it would ever come up again, but not so quickly. Not when I still had so much left to figure out. "Can we wait to have this conversation?" I could tell by his look he wanted to argue. "Just until tonight. It's a conversation that does need to be had. I just have a few things I need to get done first. Some plans that I made."

"Want some company?"

"No, that's fine. Just a few things, I have to do on my own. I'm actually a little behind schedule, I didn't plan on sleeping in like this." I pushed away from the table my plate still half full. I cleared my plate and offered him a kiss on the forehead. "I'll be back."

"Promise?" he asked, his eyes following and studying my every move, doubt written all over his face.

I offered him a smile and slipped out the door.

XXXXX

My body was frozen from shock not the cold as Edward tried to twist free of Nemo's grasp but it was too late. The bullet struck him and he crumbled down into the snow, completely quiet and still. I couldn't even force myself to move when Nemo wrapped his arms around me and his gun to my temple. He eventually lost his patience with me and lifted my feet off the frozen ground and began to carry me towards the woods.

"You won't get away," I whispered as I finally broke free of my shock. "You know they have this place surrounded."

"But I have a hostage," he reminded me, pressing the gun even harder into my temple.

"You still won't get away with it. I'd rather die than let you get away."

He couldn't hold in his laughter. "Oh, you'll die for all that hero shit you pulled but not until after I get away."

"It'll never happen. Just listen. They're all around. There is no way out of this." He put my feet back on the ground and I took my chance instantly. I turned to him and went wild. I screamed and kicked and threw punches all directed towards him. I felt a few connect and heard his grunts of pain and surprise but he recovered quickly. Too quickly for any help to have arrived. He lifted the gun, took aim and put a bullet in my shoulder. I went down instantly and so did he.

I looked up Edward holding a bloodied rock in his hands. He dropped it on Nemo's still frame and rushed to my side. "Are you okay?" he asked, dropping down into the snow beside me.

"I'll be fine. Just my shoulder." I tried to shrug but my arm refused to move and it just sent a searing pain shooting through my entire body, I held back the grimace of pain. "I thought you were dead. He shot you."

He threw himself down into the snow beside me and pointed to his shoulder. "We have matching wounds. But it looks like we'll both live." He reached his arm out to mine and took my hand in his. "Is he dead?" Edward asked me as I looked over at Nemo's body.

"I hope so," I responded but my hopes were dashed when I saw his chest rise as he took a breath. I dug in the snow to my side and came up with his gun, just in case. "We did it. We made it."

"We should probably find the police, make sure everyone got out alright and get to the hospital. We will live but we still need surgery."

"No," I said, gripping his hand tighter. "They are on their way to us. I just want to wait here and enjoy the moment. We're free."

"We're free." he echoed.

I was right, the police burst through the trees weapons drawn. It didn't take them long to take in the scene. I threw the gun back into the snow and raised my arms up as best as I could. "This is their leader, I dipped my head in the direction of Nemo. His two accomplices are inside, dead. Everyone locked in with us should have gotten out before we did. Check the front office, Esme Cullen was locked in there."

I could feel Edward's glare on me and as I turned to him I could see his angry look of betrayal. He pulled his hand from my grasp and I instantly felt the loss, tears stung in my eyes. I didn't get to respond and apologize before Charlie was on me, wrapping me in his arms and draping his coat around my near naked body. He asked a million questions and lifted me off my feet and carried me like a baby to the ambulance. I looked over my shoulder at Edward who could not meet my look as the paramedics surrounded him and helped him to his feet.

Any composure that I pretended to have left at that moment melted away when I looked at Charlie. I had never seen someone look so devastated. I reassured him that I was fine as best I could but I was hard to understand as I sobbed uncontrollably. He yelled at every person who tried to speak to me and insisted that I get to the hospital before I answered any questions.

The next hours went by in a blur but it didn't matter to me. I was alive. As far as I knew my friends were still alive. And we were free.

XXXXX

I drove aimlessly at first just wasting time as my mind reeled. Finally with little time left I reached my final destination and I pulled out my phone and dialed Charlie's number. Thankfully it went straight to voicemail. "Hey, dad," I spoke softly. "I just wanted to call and let you know that I have some things I have to do. Don't worry about me. I'm fine. Well, I'm getting there. I'll still call you and I'll see you soon. There's just some stuff I think I need to do first." I hung up quickly as a knot formed in my throat.

The next call would be even more difficult. I worked some magic with my cell phone to ensure that it went straight to Edward's voicemail as well, I was too much of a coward to say it to his face or even directly over the phone. "I'm leaving. Not for good. Don't panic. It has nothing to do with you. Last night and this morning... it was great. Perfect really, except for one thing. Me. I need some work. I need some time. I need to figure myself out first. I can't be with you, really be with you in everyway that you deserve, if I can't stand to be by myself first. I'm sorry. Don't give up on me. Just give me some time. I'll be back. This time it is a promise. I'll call you soon." I hung up just as the first tear fell. I waited only a moment before I dialed Edward's number again. I couldn't leave it at that without feeling guilty. "One more thing before I go. I'm sorry to do this to you like this. I'm sorry I'm such a coward. But..." I hesitated as I gathered my courage. "This is your baby. I couldn't leave without letting you know. And I'm sorry I have to leave. But I swear I'll be back. Don't give up on me. Please be patient and let me figure this out. I need this first. I won't take long. See you soon." I bit my lower lip and released a heavy breath. "I love you. And I will come back to you."

I hung up the phone and stowed my phone into my purse just as I handed over my plane ticket and boarded the plane to Phoenix.

THE END

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**: There you have it the end of this story. But like I have said before, there will be a short sequel to follow (so keep a look out) so don't hate me too much for endidng it like that. There is more to come, if you will just stick with me.


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